Newborn and smoking grand parents

[iverreacted]

My mum (baby's grand parent) is a smoker. I'm in the position where I have to live with my parents for a month with a new born. My mum smokes.

She doesn't smoke inside and instead goes to the shed. Obviously it's nearly minus degrees now and she has a separate coat she wears. However on the journey home she had a cigarette and wore the same coat and got in the car in the back next to him (we live 3 hours from the hospital). I wasn't allowed to sit in the back with my child.

AIBU in the risks of passive smoking?

I'm not destitute.

Then move. Problem solved.

Why are you not allowed to sit next to your baby? That would worry me more…

Why weren't you allowed to sit next to your own baby?
If possible you need to move because it sounds untenable.

You are taking a risk I can’t imagine taking.

I don’t know what life circumstances led you to consider living with a smoker or to allow your newborn baby to travel in a car with a smoker. I imagine they are fairly dire.

if you have any options at all, I would move out. If you don’t, then I would just keep the baby away from your mother as much as possible.

I don't understand

1. why you 'weren't allowed' to sit next to your newborn
2. why you 'have to live with her for a month' - if you're not destitute.....

You're not actually answering the questions though, so impossible to judge fairly

Yes thank you.

I was (still am, even after reading the updates…) wondering as well.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

your mother is exposing your baby to 3rd hand smoke!

3rd hand smoke is a serious health risk and children exposed to 3rd hand smoke are more likely to suffer from frequent infections, asthma, infections and it may even be a considerable risk factor for SIDS!

It wouldn't bother me if this was my mum, at least she's not smoking in the house.

My MIL smokes though and it bothers me a lot, but I can't stand my MIL. She smokes in the house though and smokes like a chimney so absolutely stinks.

But if it's your mum I'd turn a blind eye if I were you. It's just smoke on a jacket. She's not smoking in the house.

What do you mean you weren't allowed to sit in the back next to your baby? Said who?

Left me after my c section and legs unable to move. Thats been the biggest shit they've given me this week.

My mother is just really hard work and won't communicate.

I presume you knew she smoked before you gave birth.

The midwives give the advise

What would you like to happen op?

Grow up

What are your options given that you can't change that your DM smokes?

I imagine sitting in a front passenger seat might be easier with birth injuries than a back seat, for getting in and out. So maybe it was the midwives not allowing op to sit in the back.

I'm not sure what you want, op. Yes it's an additional risk to your baby, you're choosing to take it by living with her. What would you want her to do? Shower after every fag? Use patches or vapes instead?

She's being very hospitable to put you up. I wouldn't expect her to go through the horrors of giving up smoking just for your benefit in this one month.

I don't know. The health visitor is coming tomorrow (I hope) and I should get some answers then.

Ideally I want her to smoke in other clothing and wash her hands, teeth etc.

No it was my mother not allowing me.

Sitting in the front or back makes no difference. I wanted to be near my baby.

My dm smoked Back In The Day. I was diagnosed with asthma at 27..
Nobody was allowed near my ds if they smoked.. You need to move out op..

I hate smoking and seriously judge people who smoke around small children. It shows her skewed priorities.

I think that's the best you can hope for. Smokes outside in a specific coat...then washes hands thoroughly when she comes inside.

It's not ideal but that is minimising the risk at least. Many of us grew up in far worse environments. And you're only going to be there for a short while.

OP I understand you find this stressful and it is not ideal. However, what you need to weigh up are your other options besides living at your DM'S and whether they would be better or more damaging for your baby.

Yes. This is definitely the current advice. I wouldn't let any smokers hold my baby.
I see a lot of the advice here being "never did us any harm" but they clearly know now that it is a factor in sids. I don't think you are over reacting OP.

My mum and dad both smoked like chimneys throughout my childhood including in the car with the windows up. I don't have asthma. We all have anecdotes I'm sure.

I have lung damage from my parents smoking around me when i was a child but at least she is doing the right thing in going outside to smoke. i dont think there's much you can do other than stop your mum holding the baby when she's recently had a cigarette but i can see what a dilemma this puts you in.

I’d be concerned too, I was very paranoid about my babies being around 3rd hand smoke but thankfully was limited to one friend who visited rarely. Due to SIDs risk. This isn’t OP being totally neurotic. However if you’re staying with her then it’s really difficult. I’d just be honest, say the advice given by medical professionals has really scared you. She might ask how she can help. Clearly washing hands etc is very important, you don’t want baby snuggled up to her if her clothes smell of smoke.