Newborn and smoking grand parents

[iverreacted]

My mum (baby's grand parent) is a smoker. I'm in the position where I have to live with my parents for a month with a new born. My mum smokes.

She doesn't smoke inside and instead goes to the shed. Obviously it's nearly minus degrees now and she has a separate coat she wears. However on the journey home she had a cigarette and wore the same coat and got in the car in the back next to him (we live 3 hours from the hospital). I wasn't allowed to sit in the back with my child.

AIBU in the risks of passive smoking?

Thanks.

Because you pick your battles.

If you're that bothered by smoking I'd suggest you stay elsewhere where you could control the environment completely. In my opinion your Mum has done her best not to smoke around your child and you are verging on the paranoid in your approach.

How are you going to manage traffic pollution and poor air quality elsewhere ? Public transport has a lot of issues too. BTW, I'm not a smoker and intensely dislike the habit but really some balance is required

I've tried to speak to her but she won't talk.... toxic household. I had a spare coat I wanted her to wear as it's freezing atm etc and she could leave it outside etc,

Sadly life is full of risks. I'm a carer and most of my colleagues are single mothers who smoke. I'm not sure how they could manage not touching their children except showering and completely changing their clothes. So many other things to worry about, including your mum's health.

Actually smoking around a baby is wrong anything else you are finding dramas just because you feel like it

What could we possibly say on here that would make the smoke magically disappear?

I feel awful for you for not being allowed to sit with your baby in the car, that would really have upset me. I’m sure the anxiety over this issue won’t be great for your mental health. I have anxiety and have told my mum she can only see my second baby outside if she hasn’t stopped smoking by the time she’s born. I thought the dangers of third-hand smoking were well known by now, not sure why so many posters are making you out to be neurotic because of your worries! I’d try to stay in a different room for a while after your mum comes back in after a cigarette. I know it’s an addiction but how selfish to prioritise cigarettes over her grandchild. I’ve had some real arguments with my mum about this. It’s so sad.

Dartmoorcheffy: "What are you going to do if you get on a bus or a train and a smoker sits next to you. Plenty of kids grew up years ago in cars with parents actually smoking, and lived in houses where both parents smoked indoors. Not ideal but it happened and it hasn't killed off a generation."

That is so true. I will be 74 at the end of this month and when I was a youngster, nearly all adults smoked, especially the men. I used to sit in a smoke filled living room every evening and at weekends with my father who was a fairly heavy smoker. There was rarely a smoking ban in public places.

I understand the no smoking rules and passive smoking can be harmful to babies and children and those who have respiratory problems but the smell of smoke on someone's clothes does not do harm, even if it is unaesthetic.

Your mother is a considerate smoker because she goes outside to have a few puffs.

Just accept it, your baby will be fine.

DH smoked cigarettes (outside) when DD1 and DD2 were little. He still vapes now.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. 💐

You are quite correct to be concerned, trust your own judgment. Take zero notice of the replies on here that are minimising the dangers from passing smoking. Even if your mother is smoking outside, she will have toxic fumes on her body and clothes afterwards.

Put your baby first and do everything you can to protect them, under the circumstances.

And this behaviour is dangerous.

Shows how uneducated you are

I don't understand what you want from this thread?

You already are 100% certain yanbu so why start it, as you clearly actually didn't want opinions.

You're not wrong about the risks, but what choice do you have? Sounds like your mum is mitigating her smoking behaviour alot, bar this one occasion.

I loathe smoking, it's rank, disgusting and antisocial but yabu you're a guest, you can speak to your mum but otherwise the alternative is stay where you are & keep being rude and aggressive to posters on here who you don't agree with. Because your mind was already made up, so really you just wanted validation.

How is she uneducated she is telling her life story?

Some really bitchy replies to Op on here. Op has already said why she's there, for mental health reasons, so being a spiteful bitch to her and piling on with your sarcastic comments is just nasty. Grow the fuck up.

Op just get out as soon as you can and if your mother is being controlling and unpleasant then minimize contact once you've left. I hope things get better for you soon.

For a start, the OP didn't mention mental health reasons. Secondly, she's hardly basking in the glory of politeness herself.

OP is actively choosing not to answer the 'allowed' question as many have asked it 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP is very rude.

She's also not looking for advice she's looking for verification that she is 100% NBU.

My husband is a smoker, as is his father, and I do understand your worries re your newborn and smoke inhalation. We agreed when my son was born two years ago, that if they’d smoked, when they came in, they needed to change their outer layer (coat or jumper) and wash their hands, DH also brushed his teeth and washed his face for the first few months, which seemed to work alright.
it seems to me, however, that your mum is resisting making changes that satisfy you, which is unfortunate given you have to live with her right now. You can’t force someone to agree with you or to act in the way you deem appropriate, so I guess all you can do is keep baby at a distance if you know she’s been for a smoke and not changed her clothes or whathaveyou.

Life is full of risks for babies and humans. Ideally you should breastfeed but some mothers can't. Ideally you should feed them organic food and bring them up in the country. But most of us can't do that.

Anecdotally my sister has just turned 80 and grew up in house where both her parents smoked 60 a day indoors.

Bringing up children is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't sweat the small stuff

To those saying it didn’t do us who grew up in the 80s/90s any harm. I had terrible chest infections all through childhood needing inhalers and antibiotics. Off sick from school throughout my childhood and teens. I moved from a smoking household and I’ve never had one or needed antibiotics since. So actually it did us harm. I’m sure many people have died from passive smoking and people developing conditions later in life so please don’t minimise it.

I think it’s good to be aware of the risks but certainly from this 1 car journey, the risk to your baby is minute. Have another chat with your mum but I suspect she will think are being OTT and ultimately you cannot force her to behave in a certain way in her own home. Which leaves you with two options:-

1. move out.
2. minimise the risk as much as you are able. Keep baby with you and just explain to your mum you don’t feel comfortable passing baby over if she’s in smoky clothes and unwashed hands.

I'd speak to your HV about the actual level of the risk.

I hate smoking, but FIL smokes (outside only) and I was happy to let him have a cuddle without asking him to change clothes etc as we don't see them often.

Living with her may well tip the balance on the risk for me, personally.

However, as you say, you have to pick your battles. If it's only a month, is it worth gritting your teeth rather than making your life hell? Would she listen to the midwife? Can you shorten the stay at all? Can you spend more time in your room to avoid her right after she comes in after a smoke?

Yes there's a risk to your baby from living with a smoker. But all you can do is leave. Even without the smoking it doesn't sound like it's doing you any good to live there. I would focus your energy on getting into your own accommodation and stop worrying about this. The risk is small for just a couple of weeks. You can't make your mother change her behaviour. What she is doing isn't illegal. I suspect you're focusing your feelings about lots of other issues onto this one thing. Not letting you sit next to your child in the car is a far bigger issue.