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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School parent deliberately coughing on me every morning

301 replies

Happyluce · 30/11/2023 09:07

A school parent keeps deliberately coughing on me. We stand outside the gates and then in the play ground waiting to go in and they don’t cough for all that time. But As soon as they are next to me they fake cough really loud without covering their mouth or they deliberately clear their throat really loud behind me. This keeps happening every morning. I feel like it’s a way of trying to bully me without speaking to me. What would you do?

OP posts:
LickleLamb · 02/12/2023 08:13

If he is always quite close you could mention 'concerns' to another mum standing there - eg ask someone if you can stand next to them as you feel nervous about 'an unnamed person' who brushes up against you in the crowd at the gate who is creeping you out. You could mention that he coughs in your ear/hair.
Hopefully word should spread quite quickly and make you feel you've got one over him. Downside could be that he stays away or doesn't come close and the other mum thinks you are a trouble maker/ neurotic.

alexisccd · 02/12/2023 08:16

hang back, keep behind him - i can't see why it isn't that simple. is there a reason you can't do that @Happyluce - if you can't hang back then tell him to stop

Xmaswrap · 02/12/2023 08:17

If you’re child goes to a school in a village beginning with ‘G’ then I’d put money on it being my dick work colleague. He’s does shit like this in an office of all women. It’s a passive aggressive way of showing you his annoyance / feel like controlling in a way.
He thinks us woman should be beneath him and his favourite thing to do is the cough loudly up close to you. Or deliberately eat noisily. Basically he has no respect for women and we annoy him by just existing.

Hippodogamus · 02/12/2023 08:18

This is a passive aggressive poute

AlmondButterToast · 02/12/2023 08:23

I'd embarrass him and loudly say next time he does it "yuk, don't stand so close to me and then cough on me, every bloody day, FFS" and give him evils. If you're generally nice and not having arguments at the school gate people won't assume you are the problem. No one likes to be coughed on and if he doesn't give you space after that he's showing himself up massively.

Bitchassmosquito · 02/12/2023 08:26

I would but he tends to come in behind me when walking in single file outside up to the classroom door and even when we get there if I’m not next to him, he will come and stand close and does it

Well yes, he will do this if he’s doing it deliberately. What you need to do is move away from him. Hang back when the queue is forming to make sure he can’t get behind you.

Eddielizzard · 02/12/2023 08:28

Horrible. It could be because he likes you or because he wants to intimidate. Either way, it's unwanted.

I would recommend using as many of the ideas on here as you're comfortable with, but be unpredictable. That way you redefine the narrative and he is no longer in control. It's an approach based on drama theory, which I've found to be extremely effective over the years.

Alohapotato · 02/12/2023 08:30

I would move away.

jc12689 · 02/12/2023 08:32

BruceAndNosh · 30/11/2023 09:09

Turn round and sneeze on her

Don't do that. Always retain the moral high ground.

Just ask her really loudly in front of everyone to cover her mouth when she coughs.

Silverstoat · 02/12/2023 08:39

Ask him to make like his hairline and take a couple steps back.

Calliopespa · 02/12/2023 08:56

Smittenkitchen · 30/11/2023 11:41

Are only stunningly beautiful women harassed by men?
No.

No stunning isn’t required. I have something similar in a local shop. Every time I go in the guy serving starts this annoying casual humming. I’ve asked DH and a friend if he always does it when they go in but no. Clearly I’m just “his cup of tea.” At least that’s how I took it 🤷🏻‍♀️It seemed to me a kind of theatrical way of looking disinterested but maybe it’s attention seeking. Either way, I just ignore it, get what I need, don’t make much eye contact doing so and leave. And don’t go as often as I otherwise would but you probably don’t have that option. It’s either a nervous/unintentional response ( in which case it’s a bit jumpy to say anything ) or a deliberate one ( in which case I’m determined not to give him the pleasure of me even noticing.)

TheBerry · 02/12/2023 09:01

Happyluce · 30/11/2023 13:06

@laveritable I do in the main play ground but waiting for the gate to open in the morning its often crowded and he always seems to get too close and then the reception classrooms are separate to the main building. You have to be single file pretty much till you get to the classroom doors and he will get behind and be way too close then he comes next to me when we reach the door to the classroom

Are you attractive? Does he fancy you or something?

I’d probably say “sorry, would you mind covering your mouth when you cough next to me, thanks” and smile.

Calliopespa · 02/12/2023 09:06

Are you friends with any of the other parents? Could you stick close to them and engage in chat? At least then you would be less aware of it, even if it did continue.

Katy123456 · 02/12/2023 09:19

Are you sure your not reading too much into this, I think it would be highly unlikely.

Either just hang back and stand somewhere else without making a big deal anout it or turn round and start a nice conversation with them.

Fraaahnces · 02/12/2023 09:30

Oh ffs… The “He likes you” excuse went out with the ark. He’s being hostile because he’s a horrible person.

Calliopespa · 02/12/2023 09:40

Could you learn to fart on command by way of riposte? That could be especially useful when he comes up close behind in the queue.

Kingoftheroad · 02/12/2023 09:44

Coolest user name I’ve ever heard

Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 09:49

How about we treat this as a science project OP. Each week take a different approach and see what happens. Report your findings back if you like. My best guess is he is a prize twat who enjoys making others uncomfortable. If he fancied you he wouldn’t be doing this.

How about next week each morning when you get to school look around and see where he is. Do a ‘dance’ as subtly as you can. Hang back (use receiving a text or phone message, as a pretence for hanging back) and keep your eye on him.

Note what he does. You are now a neutral observer of the subject matter, noting what happens to it under different conditions. Report live here if you want. It might help you to feel more power in the situation.

Notice if he does it to anyone else. If he coughs when not near anyone. The more data you have on your subject matter the better able you are to understand it and know what it does. You’ll be better equipped to handle it.

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2023 10:12

I would take a leaf out of Professor McGonagall's book and say "Would you like a cough sweet Dolores?" in disapproving tones.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/12/2023 10:23

If there's no perfume/spray/allergens, he could be trying to get your attention, especially as he's always hovering around you. Which is gross. Or trying to make you step back so he gets to go in first because he was standing there before you stood in front of him and thinks you're jumping the order kids should go in. Which is arseholey. Or he's a heavy smoker with zero hygiene or decency. Which is both gross and arseholery behaviour.

I wouldn't give him the slightest hint that I'd noticed his existence but to avoid his revolting saliva and mucus spray, I'd rather have him go in front than have it in my hair or him within 3 metres of me.

zingally · 02/12/2023 10:35

Just move away?

Or next time, turn around, give him your most withering stare and say "Excuse you." Or "Would you mind covering your mouth next time?"

Personally, I find it very unlikely that a man would be singling out a woman he's never interacted with, to "bully" with fake coughing.

PennyNotWise · 02/12/2023 10:59

This is really bizarre. I don’t understand why you’ve never spoken to each other when you’re next to each other every day and your children play together?

Jollyjumpinjax · 02/12/2023 11:00

Perhaps he's trying to get up the nerve to talk to you!! Unless he/you are married /have an s/on he may well think you're attractive & want to ask you for your number but he's shy?

Calliopespa · 02/12/2023 11:02

zingally · 02/12/2023 10:35

Just move away?

Or next time, turn around, give him your most withering stare and say "Excuse you." Or "Would you mind covering your mouth next time?"

Personally, I find it very unlikely that a man would be singling out a woman he's never interacted with, to "bully" with fake coughing.

I’m not sure I see coughing as a classic bullying move either. Perhaps the crowding you in the queue is a bit more so but then queues are a bit like that. I think it’s more likely he’s a bit nervous for whatever reason and it’s a bit of a subconscious nervous tic or he’s… got a cough. DH got one that went on at a low level for months.

Bettyfromlondon · 02/12/2023 11:02

I think people are being way too generous to this weirdo. In the murky confines of his brain he has invented a petty grievance against you and this is his way of getting back at you.
At the moment this little drama is between you and him.
Do you know the other parents there? Being seen to be "connected" by being seen to have a bit of chitchat might help, as well as providing an opportunity to gently sound out what people think of him.

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