Doesn't it feel terribly unfair sometimes that..

[DrowninginMaryBeardsBeard]

The kids in primary school who tend to be the clever ones also, unfairly, seem to be attractive and popular too.
Not sure if its just my kids school. Obviously my kid is beyond beautiful to me. But she's not as well put together as these girls, her hair is all over the place due to her inheriting curly hair from me, she's too skinny due to food aversion.
Then there's a group of girls who are just beautiful, they always have neat work, speak several languages, get the best parts in the school play, they look... cool... even at nine. Mums are equally stylish usually European women.
Why is this? Attractive well educated women have attractive clever children. Scatty, hairy mares like me born without beauty and brains have to run around like headless chickens, work more hours for less pay so have less time for taking our kids to the hairdressers and spending hours teaching them Spanish, doing long division or reading the classics?
It's like if you see the line of kids you could almost match them up with the parents without knowing. Slightly overweight child with the overweight parents, messy kid with the messy mum (that's me!), hippie child with the hippie parents, sleek ponytailed outdoorsy child with horse riding mum. I mean this isn't exactly rocket science. But the link between attractiveness, academic ability, class and 'polish' .... that I find fascinating.
Is there also a link with neurodiversity?
For what it's worth my primary school was not middle class at all, kids with parents in prison or addicts who had left them with grandparents to raise, and this was not the case. We were all the same class and so that wasn't a factor. It was more who was 'pretty' and that was only decided by who the boys wanted to kiss, so not a true representation of beauty. I remember there being a sort of 'blonde privilege' where blondeness was a marker of beauty which brunette would never beat, regardless of facial symmetry. That would never fly now and would be rightly challenged in DD's very diverse school.
And these ramblings are why I'm exhausted every day...

Yes, of course. It's often said as a cliché "I'd rather have brains than beauty" or similar, but the truth is they often go together. Like many good but seemingly unrelated attributes are caused by the same genes.

@FrozenGhost but why is that? Is it that beautiful women seem more enthralling when they're clever or cultured too? Is it that my poor upbringing and crap diet due to finances makes me look awful?

I think it's a bit of everything. Certain genes cause multiple attributes so they often occur together. The halo effect where beautiful people seem smarter and nicer. Then it's a bit of a cycle - without as many opportunities, you have less money to look good, maybe a worse diet. So the cycle continues.

Well, it's true that life isn't fair. It's also true, though, that you're setting a rigid standard for looks, style and ability. There's a lot more scope in the world - for one example, jolie laide is a thing (and the thing that most famous models have!) For another, sex appeal isn't linked to gloss or class.

You can go much further with this: I love fashion, and would bet my imaginary diamond bracelet that none of your polished playground mums show any initiative style-wise. You've got talents, as has your DD. From your writing style you seem like a sparky, witty character. Creative, perhaps?

Life isn't fair but, fortunately, its opportunities certainly aren't limited to a single type of person.

I have never spotted such a thing. I was (am) academic and when I went to school in the 80s we were streamed on academic ability and there was a complete mix of good looking, not so good looking and everything in between.

Was there something that stopped you from getting a good education?

I am very clever. But rather ugly.

Privilege certainly plays a role here. There are reasons intergenerational poverty exists, including barriers to education. Parental education itself has an important role in educational outcomes. Good nutrition plays a role in looks and health outcomes. I think you see this more at the extremes though, the well off and the very poor. I wouldn't say this is an obvious issue at my DC school, I'm trying to think of anyone that would tick all those boxes and can't. Though a lot of the local families that are well off have their children at the local private school so maybe they've self selected out of it.

DD probably ticks all the boxes except being popular. She's much better put together than I ever was. DS is popular and really smart, but overweight and wouldn't be considered attractive. I'm also overwheight and wouldn't be considered attractive, but my DD looks like I did as a kid, not me overwhelmed and overweight and sick. I think it's easier to be those things if you come from a background of money and privilege. But I did know a lot of smart people growing up who were neither popular nor good looking. I don't think your school is necessarily representative.

In my experience this isn't always true, the best looking people at my school definitely weren't the smartest. One girl in particular was a model , tall , slender , amazing hair but average intelligence but a really nice person. As an adult she's plagued with insecurity and mental health issues, as is her equally attractive brother. One girl from my class who was extremely intelligent is now a Circus preformer, another is a poet. Its mainly the average people from my school who are successful really. The beautiful and the high achievers burned out.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

How you are in school doesn't always equate to success in adulthood. This won't matter in 10 years time. Just build your daughter's confidence.

I’ve never really thought about it like that. I have twins who rarely look put together and hair mares sounds about right. Just had parents night and according to the teacher they are sparky, smart, popular, resilient and helpful. All their teachers have really liked them as they are engaged. Thinking about it they’ve had every major role over the years, teachers have always said it’s because they are capable / dependable and they are confident that they will do a good job.

I was not popular at school so am always bemused by this effortless cool thing they have going on.

It’s called the Halo Effect

Yanbu. I could always spot that type: earlier as a child, now as a mother. But it doesn't make me jelous anymore.
The only thing I find very annoying though is when they only attribute their success to their hard work and think others are only not trying it hard enough and it's a matter of mindset.

Read something recently where it said the bright kids end up working for the less bright who become entrepreneurs and set up their own businesses. Life is not always like school. My dd was extremely bright at school and pretty well put together but she choose a very academic subject at college which doesn't lend itself to a successful job. Some of those who were all over the place at school have now found their niche and are flying. She would be very happy to get a job from some of them.
Confidence counts for a lot so just love your little one and trust she will get on fine with you being her greatest ally.

I think overall I can see the stereotype you're describing but I also think your view of the world is pretty rigid and agree with all the PPs examples of how it doesn't fit.

Agree with your comment about neurodiversity. This was my first thought when I read "not popular" "chaotic" and "restricted eating" (sensory issue). Perhaps autism or adhd runs in your family? This can certainly (perhaps unfairly) lead to the broad difficulties you describe with organisation, getting along with others etc.

I think it sounds like the way people live they instill into their children.

I haven't noticed this. If I think back to who was popular at school, they were at best average in the looks area. Did fine academically but weren't genius.

I have seen this, in a private school where I taught for a few years.
Many of the children were very attractive, and since it's been over 20 years since I left, I can see that many have grown up to be really handsome boys and stunning girls.
Money buys educational opportunities, good food, and for the women, good skin care.
Life isn't fair.

I don't think there is a connection between brains and beauty. I'm a teacher and I don't agree with that at all. Even thinking about my class this year, it isn't true at all.

I think ability, talent, appearance, polish are all things that are influenced by our parents at that age, whether that's nature or nurture or a combination of both.

But the attractive, cool, well-supported, organised kids are definitely not always the cleverest even if that's the impression they exude through their confidence, or the impression their parents exude through wishful thinking.

My brightest student this year is autistic, disorganised and on the periphery of social groups.

How you look at 9yo is not an indication of future beauty. Age 9yo I got acne earlier than all my classmates and I was covered in spots. I really was very plain indeed. When I turned 14/15 they healed up a bit and my confidence rocketed and I started getting attention from boys etc (not that that's a desirable goal, I'm just explaining). I've never felt insecure about my looks since.

I was also cheeky and obnoxious and unbearable age 9, with only moderate academic promise - tbf I probably haven't completely grown out of being cheeky etc but I did go on to get excellent exam grades and went to a famously competitive uni.

Give your little dd time, she'll blossom. You're comparing her to others too early in life imo

My mother was brought up very poor , but clever, a grammar school girl from the slums, went to school with middle class not her peers. Did fairly well at work, moved up socially. Her love of books and learning passed on to me in genes and practically, so I found school easy and prospered. Average looking, I did better than my parents , so down to genes and good luck. I married a clever good looking man, so my kids are clever and good looking too, they are working at same level as I did. Harder to move up these days, but still a long way from where my Mum started. With help and encouragement your kids can do well, but not if you give up

Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Bill Gates are all reputed to have IQs above 150. Doubt any of them have ever won a beauty pageant though.

'Well put together' 9yo children? WTAF?

I hope you're not passing any of these thoughts (and obsession with girls' and mothers' looks) on to your daughter.

On seeing the supermodel type beauty that dd2 has emerged as at a family wedding recently heard my mum explain to my aunt “well mr Brandt is very tall and elegant” by way of explanation 😀