Doesn't it feel terribly unfair sometimes that..

[DrowninginMaryBeardsBeard]

The kids in primary school who tend to be the clever ones also, unfairly, seem to be attractive and popular too.
Not sure if its just my kids school. Obviously my kid is beyond beautiful to me. But she's not as well put together as these girls, her hair is all over the place due to her inheriting curly hair from me, she's too skinny due to food aversion.
Then there's a group of girls who are just beautiful, they always have neat work, speak several languages, get the best parts in the school play, they look... cool... even at nine. Mums are equally stylish usually European women.
Why is this? Attractive well educated women have attractive clever children. Scatty, hairy mares like me born without beauty and brains have to run around like headless chickens, work more hours for less pay so have less time for taking our kids to the hairdressers and spending hours teaching them Spanish, doing long division or reading the classics?
It's like if you see the line of kids you could almost match them up with the parents without knowing. Slightly overweight child with the overweight parents, messy kid with the messy mum (that's me!), hippie child with the hippie parents, sleek ponytailed outdoorsy child with horse riding mum. I mean this isn't exactly rocket science. But the link between attractiveness, academic ability, class and 'polish' .... that I find fascinating.
Is there also a link with neurodiversity?
For what it's worth my primary school was not middle class at all, kids with parents in prison or addicts who had left them with grandparents to raise, and this was not the case. We were all the same class and so that wasn't a factor. It was more who was 'pretty' and that was only decided by who the boys wanted to kiss, so not a true representation of beauty. I remember there being a sort of 'blonde privilege' where blondeness was a marker of beauty which brunette would never beat, regardless of facial symmetry. That would never fly now and would be rightly challenged in DD's very diverse school.
And these ramblings are why I'm exhausted every day...

I think neurodiversity is certainly a factor.

My grandma was, and is, incredibly chic and put together. My mum failed to inherit that skillset and so did I! I look like a lumbering troll most days. Now I have a dd with curly hair so the odds are stacked against her ever looking effortlessly cool, poor thing.

Speaking as a person with poker straight hair, those of you with curls ought to be GRATEFUL. And if your children have curls you should be DELIGHTED. I would have killed for the slightest wave or a bit of movement, not just straight straight straight hair every day of my life.

I think in the primary/junior years of school you might have a point OP but IME it was more a case of organised, successful parents who made the most of the looks they had, had children that equally appeared well presented and quite intelligent but not super intelligent. I wouldn't say it was inate beauty though. My DS is now in 6th college and personally I think that correlation goes out of the window as the teenagers have individualised their looks and it has nothing to do with parents. Equally, in my DS's sixth form which admittedly is not in a conventional city in England and is pretty bohemian, the notion of popularity changes from the school years so the intelligent teenagers, probably more so girls that are naturally pretty but scruffy are cooler and shine in college when they were probably were overlooked at secondary as they were not polished.

I think the region thing is true and I find that really curious but I don't think that one is better than the other. I live in Brighton but have family in the south midlands and London and I do notice this in the local population. However, many people don't really move around as much as everyone thinks so there are generations of families in certain areas in the UK and there presumably is some correlation looks wise.

I think it's down to natural selection. If you're born with good looks, intelligence and a pleasant personality then you have the privilege of being able to choose your partner from a similarly blessed cohort. The children you have are highly likely to be genetically blessed, and so it continues.

I think it's cyclical. The vaguely pretty or clever ones get praised very early on, they are then confident and enjoy being in the spotlight because they get lots of positive reinforcement from everyone around them, so they are then willing to put themselves forward, hold their head high, dare I say, be a bit bossy.

Other children who have had subtle put downs (not necessarily from parents) start to take a step back, keep their heads down etc.

I think you think the popular smart ones are pretty because they probably hold themselves better, aren't afraid to show off etc.

To be fair, I have always found and others I know, have said the same. Back when we was at school the 'cool kids' (pretty and popular) are now the ones that are not so pretty and not doing well and the ones that were over weight and not so brushed up on beauty are the ones that are now looking great and actually doing better.
I get what you are saying but my point is, it doesn't really mean anything as people change / children grow up.

I know several people classed as like you say, I hate the school run (usually the scruffy one as I have just come from doing the horses before school run, as have to get to work after) and some parents are so judgemental. Makes me laugh they look down at you and won't speak to you in the playground. Yet they see you out riding your horse and want to be best friends. People are so weird.

Hmm, I dunno. I was one of the cleverest kids at school and I was a complete shambles. I can't really remember what people looked like at primary school, but certainly at secondary school the brightest girls weren't the prettiest and most polished ones. The pretty and polished Queen Bee types were usually good at sport and drama, mid-ranking academically.

OP, you said, 'usually European', is it a cultural thing, a couple of a girls in DD's class whose Mum's were from a country in Europe always had the girl's hair plaited amazingly at 7,8,9 clothes ironed, washed clean coats etc, that said, there is a daughter of a Swedish Mum who wasn't like that and was always in outdoor gear that was quite dirty.

Maybe they don't find your type of humor funny.

Meh, people grow into themselves.

No, it's not unfair, because neither good looks or intelligence guarantee happiness.
Emotional intelligence is the key to happiness and success.

I'm the messy mum with the messy children. :-(

But then dh is super organised and disciplined and somehow he has the same messy children (inspite of being very involved with them)....

For God's sake value yourself and your daughter. She's not too of anything and neither are you. Everyone has their pluses and minuses, things they are good and aren't, some are better looking some are worse, some are fashionable, some are not. It's not what people look like it's what inside that counts.

They may be absolutely awful people even if they do look good and speak a load of languages, are neat etc. What an incredibly dull world we would live in if everyone was the same and like that.

Is this a private school?

Op what really jumps out at me is that you are projecting your own insecurities and world view onto your child. It's not healthy to look a group of kids and compare them through this lens. Kindly, I think it would be a good idea to work on your own self esteem which will benefit your child too.

Disagree sorry.

Brains and beauty rarely go together in my experience. Indeed if anything the opposite is true.

Also lots of lovely looking children quickly lose their looks with age and others very much grow in to them.

I also disagree about the neurodiversity.

DC are neurodiverse but they are the first to be so in my family. They are really good looking kids (not biased she regularly gets stopped in the street and complimented). The are clean, well turned out, popular etc.. they just happen to have significant additional needs. Certainly hasn't impacted on their looks.

Ew your child gets stopped in the street for people to comment on her physical appearance? I would not be pleased with that at all!

I don't think this is true. This is the type of thing that people want to be true because it suggests that there is some sort of parity and justice in the world. But beautiful people, failing injury, carry that symmetry with them through their whole lives.

I think YABU. I don't see a correlation at all.

My six year old daughter is very bright, blond and blue eyes yet very rarely gets invited to parties and is often on the periphery of the friendship groups. Obviously it might change as only six but it isn't always the case.

😆 at the "messy family" bit, you've got us to a T there! We went to DS1'S careers evening last night, and all 3 of us had significantly more mud stains/ holes in our clothes than the mean! Part of that is down to getting outdoors a lot, part to being poor.

We are also an autistic family. DS2 is by far the cleverest in his class, but certainly doesn't look put together, especially with his terrible lack-of-haircut, due to him not tolerating getting his hair cut....🤷‍♀️

I think you’re pigeon-holing people too much OP.
Not many kids fit your categories. Most are a mix of features, good and bad.

I came from a very academic background, which was loving and nurturing. I was clever and did well at school. I was also quite pretty as a child and young adult. I always had friends and was socially comfortable. I went to university and became a doctor.

But we were very poor when I grew up, as my Dad left and my Mum struggled to find work. My brother was on the autistic spectrum (undiagnosed - it was the 70s), suffered with depression and killed himself age 20.

I have a good professional job and I’m healthy, but I have zero sense of style and my house hasn’t been decorated for 30 years, so it looks scruffy. I’ve been pretty unlucky in love so I’m a single parent. I have mild OCD and lie awake at night worrying about my kids dying.

My kids are bright, attractive and popular, but they have no father, and my younger child has an anxious nature and some OCD features. We are comfortable but not wealthy.

So you see - in some areas of life I and my family are lucky and truly blessed. But in other areas I have been dealt a pretty shit hand in life. Nothing is black and white.

I live in an area with a very high number of graduates.

Most of the kids at our primary look messy and geeky. None of them look beautiful.

The ones at secondary just look like teens.

My daughter is drop dead gorgeous at 17 and really clever. However she has ASD so struggles socially. I don’t buy into your theory.

And from what l remember at school it’s the late bloomers/ weird kids who are the most interesting later in life.