Doesn't it feel terribly unfair sometimes that..

[DrowninginMaryBeardsBeard]

The kids in primary school who tend to be the clever ones also, unfairly, seem to be attractive and popular too.
Not sure if its just my kids school. Obviously my kid is beyond beautiful to me. But she's not as well put together as these girls, her hair is all over the place due to her inheriting curly hair from me, she's too skinny due to food aversion.
Then there's a group of girls who are just beautiful, they always have neat work, speak several languages, get the best parts in the school play, they look... cool... even at nine. Mums are equally stylish usually European women.
Why is this? Attractive well educated women have attractive clever children. Scatty, hairy mares like me born without beauty and brains have to run around like headless chickens, work more hours for less pay so have less time for taking our kids to the hairdressers and spending hours teaching them Spanish, doing long division or reading the classics?
It's like if you see the line of kids you could almost match them up with the parents without knowing. Slightly overweight child with the overweight parents, messy kid with the messy mum (that's me!), hippie child with the hippie parents, sleek ponytailed outdoorsy child with horse riding mum. I mean this isn't exactly rocket science. But the link between attractiveness, academic ability, class and 'polish' .... that I find fascinating.
Is there also a link with neurodiversity?
For what it's worth my primary school was not middle class at all, kids with parents in prison or addicts who had left them with grandparents to raise, and this was not the case. We were all the same class and so that wasn't a factor. It was more who was 'pretty' and that was only decided by who the boys wanted to kiss, so not a true representation of beauty. I remember there being a sort of 'blonde privilege' where blondeness was a marker of beauty which brunette would never beat, regardless of facial symmetry. That would never fly now and would be rightly challenged in DD's very diverse school.
And these ramblings are why I'm exhausted every day...

I was going to say something very similar..despite you saying you're uneducated, you write really well, you're interesting and questioning and I'd imagine you're approachable and friendly too .unlike some of the polished perfect Mummies with their perfect children! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder for sure. I definitely felt the same at a girls grammar school growing up..no TV and homemade haircuts..very uncool, no good at sports etc etc but now I'm older and a granny, I'm glad I was different! Your daughter sounds sweet..I bet she's kind, and that's one of the most important things in life, beauty fades but a kind heart is forever..and I'm envious of your curly hair!!

I was a beautiful and intelligent child. This translated into many opportunities for me. I noticed very early on that I was treated differently. Even today, in the workplace (middle-aged), I still get a lot more opportunities than other people. I still look good for my age, and many senior men are far too generous with me vs others. It’s a good and a bad thing, as the others do pick up on this. Plus, it’s a burden to have a lot of attention from a young age. Is it fair - well, it is what it is. Some are rich, some are wealthy, some are healthy, and some are blessed with good upbringing/families. I am not boasting - I am just saying that being good-looking & intelligent is not always easy.

I think the opposite. Beautiful people often appear less clever to me, I think because their lives are easier so they don’t have to try as hard. I’m very smart and quite ugly, in my profession of incredibly smart people I’d say we are uglier than average in general.

my kids are smart and beautiful of course ;-)

Wow I really hope your child never hears what you think of her!! As long as your child grows up to be a confident, good person who works to the best of her abilities, what does it matter?!

Pretty privilige is a thing. We think of beautiful people in a more positive light, so we treat & look upon them more favourably ...and this aforementioned light also shines on their abilities too. Like a halo.

Yup. I’m one of the polished type of mum. Every morning i do makeup and take nice clothes for school run. I would never leave the house without look decent. Same as both my boys. In my son school there is one particular “messy mum” with messy kids. The mum often drop the kid with bathrobe. I never understand how can people are too lazy to look decent in the morning.

i cant speak about pretty because its genetic but surely everyone can look decent with or without money.

I am an older mum from a city which is notoriously deprived but now live somewhere very privileged. I agree with a lot of what you say, really notice it as my daughter is one of only two non white children in the class.
This city prides itself on being left wing and diverse but it’s really not but you’ll see it filtering down everywhere as the privilaged ones end up making decisions. There was a huge ruckus on our WhatsApp group yesterday after cakes were priced at £1 and £2 at the after shop bake sale. Absolutely ridiculous and not inclusive.
I don’t fit in for many reasons, but the fact I am not from privileged background is really noticeable from the way I am treated right to the house I live in!

As the parent of a child model I encounter rooms full of beautiful children and they all come from different backgrounds. Some have the polished and plucked look, some are more natural and child like. There seems to be a wide range of intelligence across the groups too. You'll find some chatting with other kids, some messing around and being disruptive, some on their ipads and some reading a book. From my experience I cannot generalise, aside from family resemblance I couldn't allocate a child to a parent. Some beautiful kids have surprising parents! My own child was in a commercial and their on-screen family didn't remotely resemble me or my husband. They did look a lot more like a family than we do though! Nobody would expect my daughter to have a short legged, dumpy mum with my colouring. Genetics is a fascinating thing.

I mean, I have an (invisible) disability that means some days I can't lift my arms to brush my hair. But sure, go ahead and judge away if it makes you feel good about yourself.

I think there are two types of clever kids - one is the perfect at everything and very obvious about it type you describe OP, the other is me and my little group of friends - quietly clever, scatty, unattractive, socially awkward and deeply unpopular. I'd much rather have been in the 'middling at everything' group !

I’m very clever but I was really ugly as a child/teenager. Both the cleverness and the ugliness were pointed out a lot, by everyone, not always nastily. They were also teenage social death, I had nothing to do but study, so I got great results. At about 20 I got a bit better looking but the game changer was money. When I started earning a lot I became much better looking due to gyms, clothes, expensive hair, facials etc. No surgery, fillers or Botox. I’m older, but people say I look great. I’d like to say it doesn’t matter but I’m vain.

I've been a teacher and a university lecturer and I was very surprised by your observation, OP. Prettiness and intelligence do not correlate either positively or negatively in my experience. There is something around maturity and confidence that I think is more starkly evident in primary school and lower secondary school. The girls who look more mature earlier have a temporary advantage that disappears around sixth form - when you suddenly see the glam girls and the off beat types becoming friends for the first time.

I’m a lecturer so I am the very definition of an intellectual . I’d say I’m fairly attractive and well put together, I look smart most days for work and I’m a healthy weight. I obviously work with academics and I wouldn’t say many of them are conventionally attractive though so not convinced there’s a link between beauty and intellect somehow!

I have 5 DC and they’re all very different. The older 3 choose their own clothing now so have their own styles. Younger 2 dress similar to how I dressed older 3 when they were young- a lot of colourful mismatched clothing. Unsure how well put together they look but they’re obviously all beautiful to me. All intelligent in different ways- not all academically, DC2 is better with interpersonal and practical skills than DC1 who is a high academic achiever.

Natural selection.

I have never been one of the attractive girls, my writing was always messy, and I always seemed to get ink or paint over me. I read a lot and was fairly academic, but never seemed to be noticed for it. I don't remember ever being bothered by it as a child or young person. I am in my 70s and have had an up and down sort of life with divorce, adult childs death, and widowed. As I have grown older, I have thought about this, and why I am hardly ever miserable. I would still rather be me, than anyone else, however beautiful, successful or rich. I think about my life as a story, it is interesting, sad in parts, but always eventful.

Have to agree with you OP. I may get flamed for what I'm about to say but..I moved my child from a state primary to a a highly sought after prep. The children at the prep, in general, are more "attractive" - and by that I mean glowing skin, sparkling eyes, healthy hair - at the prep. Same goes for the
mums. (A fair few chinless wonders in red cords among the dads though).

Another generalisation but wealthy men are often smart, in terms of academics or career choices and as a result tend to have more choice when picking a partner who then tend to be better looking than average. So clever dad, pretty mum, healthy diet, lots of extra curricular activities, holidays etc. Makes for bright, attractive children.
As I said, it's a big generalisation but I doubt I'm the only one that sees the correlation.

An awful lot of is it packaging. I am always struck by actors and actresses who play ordinary people and then look smart and attractive at interviews or events. A lot of women who look on the surface glamorous have quite ordinary looking faces.

IME, society will forgive women for being intelligent and unattractive/a bit dowdy, or beautiful and stupid. If you're both (attractive and intelligent, that is), you're more likely to have problems.

I'm not sure if the 'class' (Ugh, I despise that term and what it stands for) comes into this more. I'm not public-school educated and I come from a modest background. I was a late-developer so quite flat-chested and gangly as a teenager, but when I then grew to my mature height of nearly 6ft tall and fairly full-breasted, and I 'scrubbed up' fairly well, the bullying changed tone. At school the bullying was mostly to the tune of 'Hey Serafina, where's your tits?', asking why I bothered with a bra and when the helicopters were coming to do my hair, not least the relentless bullying for being a 'swot'. This gave way in my early adulthood to constant put-downs as a dense, barely-sentient bimbo, which is inexplicable as stupid is one thing I've never been. On the positive side I got so sick of this that it spurred me on to go to university and get the decent education I wanted - from Bachelor to Master's and eventually a PhD - and clearly after this, the 'bimbo' allegations stopped.

If I thought working in a university would be more enlightened though, BOY was I disappointed. Sexual harrassment is rife, and promotion still more difficult if you're female. And I'm now middle-aged, and aging is the great leveller as people no longer care what you look like. Hooray!

I worked at a famous London tourist attraction. One day a colleague commented that there were really ugly people visiting that day. We then found out it was the day that The Sun newspaper had run a promotion to visit!

Completely agree with this!

What a cheering and heart-warming thread this is. Full of kindness and decent values.

Start with you. You’re you daughter’s primary influence. You have put yourself down so much here, and compared yourself to others negatively. If you want your little girl to do the same, carry on. If you want something better for her, see what you can do to change your image of you. You might be messy and not as wealthy as others - but where’s the shame? If it’s not in you, it’s nowhere. Please, for the sake of your daughter, teach her to see the good in herself, by seeing the good in you. I know this about you - you’re a selfless woman who wants the very best for her girl. That’s a bloody good start and I don’t even know you. So look for the positives, and teach your girl to do the same. Who gives af if there are prettier, wealthier girls who more kids look up to? It’s the quality of the friends, the joy you find in life, the way others feel when they are with you that matters. You already have the tools to make your daughters life full of enrichment and worth. Stop comparing yourself, and then she won’t either. Good luck, you’re better than you know x

I do think stress plays a large part in how people look. Kids who grow up with loving parents and plenty of everything aren't running cortisol the way other kids might be.

My niece has incredibly curly hair and it always looked a mess when she was little. As a teen she has now learnt how to style her natural curls and they are beautiful.
Just a tip, get a serum from a hairdresser to reduce frizz, pop that in after a shower, brush her hair and run some mousse through it then scrunch it so the curls come back and let it dry naturally. Don't brush it once it's dry.

In terms of your post, my nieces are both beautiful girls, quite athletic due to dancing since the age of 5, but in terms of intellect....well.... they're not the brightest.
I think it's a matter of what you as the parent prioritise.

Maybe consider some extracurricular activities to increase confidence and build social skills

You act as if we don't have free will.
Take your daughter to the hairdresser regularly.
Stay calm and cheerful regardless.
Teach ger another language if you want- there are lots if free classes.
Build her self esteem.
My kids don't resemble me because of the choices I made.