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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I wish I hadn’t had my son

109 replies

Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:11

Horrible thread but if I’m honest with myself I really don’t like him very much and he really doesn’t like me. We just constantly rub one another up the wrong way. He hates me and screams got his dad all the time; if I try to speak to him he just screams over me. I have other children and my relationship with them isn’t like this. I hate spending time with him.

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 28/11/2023 16:12

How old is he?

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:15

He’s 3.

It wasn’t always this bad but he’s never been what I’d call easy. The rejecting me is fairly recent though.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 28/11/2023 16:16

Can your husband talk to him and tell him to be nicer to you

OhComeOnFFS · 28/11/2023 16:19

Did you have trouble bonding with him when he was born, OP?

Do you think he has special needs? Do you think you're depressed?

Noicant · 28/11/2023 16:21

Ok I think you need to reset the dynamic, I got a bit like this when Dd was at her worst tantrum stage and clearly favoured her dad (still does tbh).

I decided that whatever she does I will be kind, patient and loving in word and deed. I validated her feelings, empathised with her (not the same as giving her what she wants) spoke quietly and softly, hugged her when she looked like she needed one (she had never liked hugs tbh but gradually started being more accepting of them even if she initially pushed them away from me, I would just say “ok, if you need a hug you can have one when you are ready). It took WEEKS to see an improvement but it did improve to a much more loving relationship.

birdglasspen · 28/11/2023 16:21

He is 3. Either he needs assessed. Or you have to be calm, kind and strict every single day. So he knows where he is with you. Find something you can both do together and enjoy. Cuddling up for stories. Not screen related fun. Going on little adventure walks round neighbourhood? Be daft, let him paint you! Have a bath together with fizzy bath bombs and colour bath tablets. Your post isn’t very nice? He’s three? Is he the youngest maybe he’s fighting for attention with siblings?

Dillydollydingdong · 28/11/2023 16:22

It's probably just temporary. Kids go through phases of preferring one parent over the other.

MatildaTheCat · 28/11/2023 16:23

Speak to your HV and ask for help. He is 3, that can be awful but he will know if you hate spending time with him and it will descend into a horrible spiral.

He may be going through a phase, there may be other factors at play but get help. Also speak with DH and ensure you are both as consistent as possible with him and for yourself try as hard as you can to make time when you do have nice times together even if it’s five minutes having a story or a bath or jumping in puddles.

I was just talking today with my friend about how absolutely awful our sons were as toddlers yet they became lovely children and adults. Please don’t write him/ your relationship off.

FortofPud · 28/11/2023 16:29

You are right in the trenches of it so can't see the wood from the trees. He doesn't actually hate you in the way that you understand hate, he's just expressing his feelings as he feels them.

Are you able to see him as a vulnerable little boy who desperately needs your love? It can be so easy to forget to view them like this when the relationship and behaviour is tricky, but it's still very much true.

I'm just remembering a documentary i watched years ago about a woman who was struggling so much with twin toddlers. She had a great relationship with one but felt the other hated her and she didnt like the child in return. She did a bunch of therapy and exercises that allowed her to reframe the more problematic relationship and the change in the toddler was like night and day - the little girl had mainly been reflecting back so many of her poor mum's anxieties and mum pulling out the stops and just loving her in spite of the rejection fixed so much (slowly and not easily mind). I wish I could find it online but Google brings up nothing. The point was that the paradigm was very much changeable and full of hope.

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:30

@Northernparent68 , he wouldn’t listen to that.

@OhComeOnFFS - it was a difficult birth and I did struggle. I don’t think I’m depressed although obviously this situation gets me down and makes me feel very troubled and guilty. I don’t think he has additional needs but hard to say for certain.

@Noicant - I know what you mean and I do really try, but just now he slapped me across the face as I lifted him out of the car and honestly I thought ‘fuck you then.’ (I didn’t say it!)

@birdglasspen i do try. I really make an effort but if someone else is around - DH or other family members - then he just doesn’t want me.

@Dillydollydingdong for a long time it was me but I don’t remember him being nasty to DH in the way he is with me. I do kind of feel like it takes the piss a bit, so for ages he would only have me in the night / first thing in the morning, and now it’s only DH except he sleeps through 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:33

@MatildaTheCat - I so hope you’re right as honestly he’s been foul today. I normally can do my best CBeebies presenter impersonation but right now I just can barely bring myself to look at him.

@FortofPud honestly, the amount of guilt and upset I feel is awful. I would love us to have a more positive relationship but it feels everything I do just gets flung back in my face (I know not really but hopefully you know what I mean.)

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 28/11/2023 16:40

I had difficulties after my son was born - long sad story about my marriage was to blame - and my doctor suggested love bombing him and never ever taking it personally. I also took anti-depressants and those three things massively helped. I really hope you can get sorted out with this - it must be awful for both of you.

Ollifer · 28/11/2023 16:43

Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:33

@MatildaTheCat - I so hope you’re right as honestly he’s been foul today. I normally can do my best CBeebies presenter impersonation but right now I just can barely bring myself to look at him.

@FortofPud honestly, the amount of guilt and upset I feel is awful. I would love us to have a more positive relationship but it feels everything I do just gets flung back in my face (I know not really but hopefully you know what I mean.)

What's been happening today and how have you dealt with it? It'd be helpful to know more specifics

pontipinemum · 28/11/2023 16:44

❤he's 3 try not to be too hard on it. He probably doesn't even understand what he is saying to you.

But I do think you need some sort of outside help on this. You can't let resentments like this grow and fester. He will know and it will have a huge impact on his life/ who he becomes if he feels his mother doesn't love him or like him

Roselilly36 · 28/11/2023 16:44

I am mum to two boys, so I can empathise. 3yo is a really difficult age, myDS2 was a very challenging child.

It will get better OP, my two are grown up now and are wonderful, caring sons.

FortofPud · 28/11/2023 16:46

Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:33

@MatildaTheCat - I so hope you’re right as honestly he’s been foul today. I normally can do my best CBeebies presenter impersonation but right now I just can barely bring myself to look at him.

@FortofPud honestly, the amount of guilt and upset I feel is awful. I would love us to have a more positive relationship but it feels everything I do just gets flung back in my face (I know not really but hopefully you know what I mean.)

I absolutely know what you mean, and there's no judgment here - it's so bloody tough sometimes. But out of the pair of you the only one who has the skills, insight and power to change this is you. And it'll take ages of feeling like it's thankless and pointless because he won't respond to any of your efforts at first. Right now he's stuck in a set pattern of behaviour that he has no way of getting out of by himself. You need to do all the changing for both of you until he learns.

Notice the guilt and let it give you a kick up the bum, but never wallow in it as thats nothing but a waste of time (easier said than done i know, I'm terrible for it!) . He's only 3, there's so much that can be changed here. Imagine him being 10 and still awful - you'd wish you could get back to now and spend a couple of years working on everything to give him and you a better future . So please don't feel hopeless Flowers

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:54

He is tired, I will say that in his defence so to speak. He isn’t normally prone to slapping me across the face.

But today … urrghh. This morning he was on one, pulling the toilet roll off the hanger thing (what is that called??) knocking lamps over, refusing breakfast. I took him to the park and all the way there he was difficult, poking me in the back with a toy until I took it off him and he had a tantrum. Park was OK. Refused lunch, fed ducks, home and he slapped me and kept demanding daddy.

Today was exceptionally bad if you like but I do find him difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:54

And I do know what everyone’s saying and honestly I say it to myself all the time, that I have to somehow do better but it’s so bloody hard.

OP posts:
boong121 · 28/11/2023 16:55

He is 3.. literally a baby. Sorry, you are YABU.

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:56

I know - although he isn’t literally a baby, he’s a young child and one with firm opinions and a temper and unfortunately I am frequently at the receiving end of both.

OP posts:
CHIRIBAYA · 28/11/2023 17:01

I am sorry you are struggling here and hope you can consider an earlier suggestion about accessing outside help to develop some insight and understanding. There is a world of difference between hating the behaviour (which can be tough to deal with as your son is too young to have developed self-regulation skills; he is unable to contain his frustration which is developmentally approprite) and hating the child. When you speak of feelings of rejection, that he prefers other people, 'he just doesn't want me' etc, you are unconsciously transferring onto him similar feelings of rejection/abandonment from your past. I hope you can find someone who can help you process your history safely so it does not get acted out destructively in the present.

thatlondonchick · 28/11/2023 17:04

No I don't get it but then again I don't have any sons. He is your child he didn't ask to be here, but if you feel so strongly about it then give the dad full custody.

OhComeOnFFS · 28/11/2023 17:05

boong121 · 28/11/2023 16:55

He is 3.. literally a baby. Sorry, you are YABU.

That's very helpful. Have you thought of becoming a counsellor?

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 17:07

We aren’t separated @thatlondonchick

It does grate as it feels nothing I do is good enough and I really do do such a lot.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 28/11/2023 17:09

One thing that really helped with my son was routine. Going to bed at the same time every night, eating meals at the same time, no sugary snacks, not too much TV, stories every night, that sort of thing. Even now if he eats at irregular times you can see it in his (normally very gentle) mood.

I know it's really hard but you have to be a bit of an actress at the moment and act bright and breezy where possible. Think of it as you're doing a job if that helps. You wouldn't yell at someone in work, so don't do it at home. It's so hard, I know. I know the anti depressants I took enabled me to cope and things got better extremely quickly after that.