I wish I hadn’t had my son

[Standardssolow]

Horrible thread but if I’m honest with myself I really don’t like him very much and he really doesn’t like me. We just constantly rub one another up the wrong way. He hates me and screams got his dad all the time; if I try to speak to him he just screams over me. I have other children and my relationship with them isn’t like this. I hate spending time with him.

What does he love doing?

The nicer you are the meaner he is to you could be another indicator towards ND. Rejection sensitive dysphoria doesn't just occur when you're rejected but it occurs when you perceive criticism, and he might perceive it as a slight because he isn't praised ALL the time if you see what I mean.

Hey OP. Sending you a hug.

I could have written this post when DS was 3... he's now 5 and the most amazing little person on the planet and I couldn't wish for a more magical human. His dad and I split when he was 1 and we ended up being apart by over 250 miles, making it challenging to see eachother regularly. This hurt my son deeply and we (me and his dad) both tried so hard to meet/exchange as much as possible but for a 3 year old it was alot. As a result, he took his anger/upset/hurt/abandonment out on me as I was the one closest to him.

I was studying at university and working whilst being a single parent to a child that resented me. It hurt so much and I felt exactly how you've described... resentful and like despite doing everything and trying SO hard for him, it was never enough as he just wanted Daddy.

I hate to admit all of that now though, it's actually painful to think back to as he's just bloomin brilliant and I'm so pleased we have got through the other side together. Like other PPs have said, I suggest silly time - the other day I found a list of knock knock jokes and told them to him in the bath, he absolutely loved it. I also snuggle up to him and read 3 stories a night. I actually even made the controversial step of working at his school to make up for lost time as those early years really were challenging - I know not everyone can do that but for us it's definitely strengthened our bond.

Destroying things 🤣

Seriously … this is where I’m a bit lost. I’ve tried so hard, but it never seems to work and it’s hard not to end up thinking ‘oh, sod it then.’

@Jimmyneutronsforehead i do but I don’t think that’s what is happening here.

@inquisitiveinga aww so glad it worked out for you

It's a horrid, horrid age OP.
Get him into FT nursery and you into FT work if not already. You will have a much nicer child in a couple of years, promise.

3 is a bloomin AWFUL AWFUL age. Hang in there, I promise he won't be an arse hole forever.

Thanks, you’ve made me laugh which I didn’t think possible! I mean yeah don’t get me wrong, he can be great but the rudeness, the defiance, the meltdowns, the shouting … I understand the term threenager now!

Is there a reason you're avoiding questions about your other children?

DP and I were just talking today about how guilty we feel when we get cross at DS - he’s 2.5. Toddlers are brutal!! DS also prefers DP but is fine with me when we are on our own - is your DC better when daddy isn’t an option, so to speak?

It must be really hard, and your difficult birth might still be a factor in how you feel.
I can only echo other posters that love bombing might be the way to go and ensuring you guys get fun time together by yourselves.

Ultimately, as the adult, it is your responsibility to sort it. I’m honestly not saying that to make you feel guilty or attack you but just as a statement of fact.

Do you get any time to yourself to recharge? Even just an hour a couple of times a week?

If he likes destroying things take him to those soft plays that have towers to knock down. There must be something he likes which you can do together. If really no I'd be looking to other problems. Does he get enough food and enough sleep? Not too much sugar and TV? What's his behaviour like at nursery? What things does he enjoy with your DP?

@Standardssolow so sorry to read this. It sounds like you’re having an awful time, and 3 can be a tricky age. Please, please know (I have a lot of experience in early years in my career) that he does not hate you. It might feel like that, but he doesn’t, I promise you.

How old are your other children and are they with you on your days with him? When is his dad around, mornings, evenings etc? Does he do any nursery drop offs or pick ups at all? Just trying to get a picture.

I haven’t done so intentionally, I’ve been bobbing in and out a bit, doing bedtime and what not. What questions have I been asked?

@Seagrassbasket he is better then, and we do spend long (long!) days together and he often doesn’t see DH for two /three day stretches because he leaves before DS is up and back after he’s asleep. So I do get DH is more of a ‘novelty’ in that respect. But it does mean the advice to try to have some time just is is difficult to follow.

I know you’re not attacking me, I totally agree with you. But please understand I was venting some feelings that felt very raw (and if I’m honest, angry) earlier.

I really don’t know why people like you bother commenting at all. That was not only unhelpful, but also needlessly vindictive.

My other child is only 5 months so it’s very early days in some ways. I thought I’d prepared him well for her coming but maybe not … she is with us when he’s with me pretty much all of the time bar his swimming lesson. And I do get that’s hard for him but there’s very little I can do about that practically.

It also misunderstood - DH and I are together, happily married most of the time

That sounds so difficult and you seem like a very lovely mother. What a great thing to do to decide to work in his school to make up for lost time. I expect he’s turned into a magical little human because you’ve worked so hard to help him become one.

Oh god, I feel for you. My daughter went through a nightmare phase around 2-3 and it was so hard. We were in lockdown at the time which I think exacerbated it all but she used to hit me so much, throw things, scream. The only way out is through, to be perfectly honest. One thing that helped her was a lot of sensory input- rough and tumble play, getting her to push heavy things, Squeezy cuddles, we even used to have one of us hold her hands and the other her feet and swing her side to side (shuggy boat as we called it when I was young!). Seemed to help calm her down and regulate.

I also ended up taking a 0 tolerance approach to violence, straight to time out, which was a bit traumatic (she SCREAMED) but ultimately better than me losing it and belting her back, which I honestly felt like I could have done if it had gotten worse.

Are you able to get some one on one time with your 3 year old, even just looking at books for half an hour, while dad has the baby?
I had a very tricky child, very very emotional and all over the place aged 3. Weirdly, I found reading The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, by Philippa perrry to be helpful I getting a bit of perspective

Also books to do with managing toddler behaviour generally. Helped me understand him. He’s probably furious with you for bringing the baby home tbh

Well, it’s done now, isn’t it? Do you only have one child?

Can't quite put my finger on it, but something tells me you may not have read the op...

I am the OP!

Oh my goodness the wee soul is THREE?! All behaviour is communication. He’s going through a tough time. So much happens developmentally at that age. My son, never easy, became extremely challenging when he was three abs a quarter. But I didn’t decide I didn’t like the guy! He needs to know you love and support him however big his feelings get. He’s flipping three!!! You’re the adult and his mother. I’m so sad for him. Read up on child development, Google Dr Becky Good Inside, Nurtured First and Big Little Feelings for advice

And when you’ve done that, and the wee soul slaps you in the face, it still hurts, and I don’t mean physically.

I haven’t ‘decided’ I don’t like him. I dislike a lot of his behaviour at the moment. I recognise it is normal. It is still extremely challenging and upsetting to deal with. I wish some would understand that an emotional vent doesn’t define who you are as a human or a parent.