I wish I hadn’t had my son

[Standardssolow]

Horrible thread but if I’m honest with myself I really don’t like him very much and he really doesn’t like me. We just constantly rub one another up the wrong way. He hates me and screams got his dad all the time; if I try to speak to him he just screams over me. I have other children and my relationship with them isn’t like this. I hate spending time with him.

OP, is he your youngest? Is he jealous of other siblings? Do you spend any 1 to 1 time with him?

He probably reacts to you like that as he will be aware on a subconscious level that you don't like him. You have to work on your feelings towards him. I think counselling is desperately needed. Can you afford it or ask for a referral through your GP?

That sounds so tough. I can see why you'd feel the way you do.
The fact you are here asking about this shows how much you care.
A few things that helped me were, getting down to their level, lots of reasoning, a hell of a lot of praise for doing the smallest good thing, special time such as story time before bed - he gets the important job of choosing the book and turning the pages, lots of helping mummy jobs and praise for being the best helper.
Sometimes it's a way of saying I want you to look at me and if I behave in this difficult manner you will show me more attention. Or this is how I feel in control. Everything feels like chaos and I don't know how to communicate this, so I will act up.
My kids were so bloody difficult aged 3. I had to count to ten constantly (in my head) to keep calm. God it was hard.
Any smacking type behaviour resulted in a sanction such as a toy they loved being removed for one day.

I'm not saying this may work for you or you may not agree with some above things.
I really hope things get better.
One more thing that helped was back up from daddy. To reinforce things.

@Standardssolow this sounds so hard and exhausting Op. it’s hard not to take it personally. It’s easy to suggest gentle methods but when it feels so personal it’s a hit to the jugular.

could you as Dp to take the lead for a while, maybe in time learn some methods that work for both you and your son.

it’s not easy and it feels like forever when you’re in the absolute thick of it.

@Animalprinteverything really really good sound advice.

Hm, could just be a testy 3 year old or he could have pathological demand avoidance/personal drive for autonomy and you telling him to do things and/or doing things for him makes him go into fight/flight mode, he could have oppositional defiance disorder or other conduct disorders.

Regardless of whether he's got any of those things, I do actually think it would help you to read up about these and implement some adjustments that are recommended for each because you don't have to have a condition or diagnosis for accommodations to be made, and those accomodations might just change your relationship with him.

Thanks.

He is the eldest.

@Animalprinteverything one of the frustrating things is that it is me praising him and trying to ‘catch him being good’ as they say (and he often is, he does have some great qualities) but sometimes the nicer I am to him the meaner he is to me. And I do know that a lot of the things I do he won’t know they took a lot of effort or whatever but still, it’s hard being disliked by anyone I suppose.

We just have to trudge along and I really hope in a few years I’m telling other posters how awful my DS was at 3 and he grew out of it.

Please don't take it personally. You are his primary attachment figure and he takes his feelings out on you as a result. Him preferring his dad also isn't something to take personally, it's just a phase. It's hard and draining but he doesn't mean it when he's horrible to you. He really needs for you to rise above the annoyingness and just offer as much love and patience as you can. Take breaks for yourself too, and perhaps think about getting some counselling to explore what went on in your own childhood that encourages you to feel this way.

Lots of great advice here .. would also add that my boys were much better for being outside/ active / trampoline/ bicycle/ swimming/ bubble / trampoline / basketball net ! My younger bro has a five years old boy and says exactly the same .. lots of outdoors & less bargaining & reasoning .. and a strict routine.. dinner bath book bed and big hugs & kisses !

He's the eldest? Younger siblings typically mean the older one will act out. How old is younger sibling(s?) As a parent you are naturally more focused on the baby and can find the eldest annoying which can mean a reinforcing cycle of negative behaviour.

I thought you were going to say he is 17 not 3,

I remember this! Not quite as extreme, but I remember after some traveling for work feeling very sad and rejected when he favoured dad, he was three as well. I also posted on here for help and was advised to "love bomb" him. Just he really loving. It helped to set aside one to one time for something he loves but doesn't get often. We used to go to soft play or park and then have a smoothie and cake at a cafe just me and him, a big treat for him! We did this for a few weeks and it did work. Appreciate it might not be possible to give him a whole day if you have other kids, but some dedicated one to one time on something he loves and no one else does with him should help reconnect.

@nutbrownhare15 i know, it’s hard going - I expected some shifting of dynamics but after so long only focused on me or comforted by me there was an abrupt volte face and I do feel a bit like I’m being punished for bringing another baby home!

@notanothernamechange12 and others who have been a bit more abrupt please bear in mind I posted after being slapped in the face and was standing in the kitchen trying to keep it together. I’m a bit calmer now. I don’t dislike him but he has been very difficult today and certainly I do feel

Oh just seen your update - if he's the eldest then it's really normal he'll be feeling the competition for your love and attention. How old are the younger ones?

Does he go to nursery?

Yes 3 days p/w

Aw poor you. Three is such a tough age and he’s probably ‘punishing you’ for his younger sibling - so many kids do this. Poor little chap and poor you too. He’ll outgrow it. Maybe, despite his actions and how it feels he’s pushing you away, he actually wants a little more attention? Could you find a way of carving out some time just the two of you?

Hang in there. Have you seen how many experienced parents here post saying they had nightmare, horrific preschoolers who are now wonderful human, loving adults who you can go for dinner with and enjoy a great conversation. I bet that’ll be you in 20 years. In the meantime I wish you luck! Repeat: it’s all just a phase.

He's 3 ..your his whole world ...I promise it's not personal.,he's just a tantruming toddler he doesn't know what he wants and his communication is limited at that age .
Ride with it ,being calm and fair ,and lots of cuddles
It will pass

From what you've said here it's sounds like he is desperate for your attention and is willing to get attention in anyway, wether that be positive or negative.

When my 4th was a newborn I went through a really difficult time that completely knocked me off my feet. I didn't realised it at the time but I didn't bond with him. I met all his needs and loved him fiercely, but I just wasn't present and to this day (he's 6) I have very little recollection of his younger years.

Last year he got very sick and I thought I was going to lose him. After he started on the road to recovery we both had a lot of trauma to work through after his illness and we spent all of our time together, he wouldn't leave my side. I think that whole experience helped us bond and really opened my eyes to how closed off I had been towards him, completely unintentionally.

He is only 3. He is not the problem ❤️

This article isn't your exact situation but there are enough similarities for it to be worth a read. The website is a treasure trove on negotiating tricky situations with older siblings when a baby comes along. https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/3-year-old-demanding-tantrums-rages

If my experience and eventual insight is any help - maybe he felt he had you all to himself, you were his. You then effectively turned his world upside down by having another child(ren). He was hurt/angry/upset and he’s now punishing and testing you. Try love bombing. Show him you’re still his, no matter what.

Hold on a second, he's 3 and he is the eldest....how long was he an only children and do you have 1 or 2 more?

He's probably just reacting to no longer having your sole attention as presumably your baby(ies) need more. Presumably you spend more time with the younger one than his father too?

If that's the case, this is normal and stop beating yourself up about it. The willpower of a stubborn, jealous 3 year old is not to be underestimated!!

Think you're just going to have to ride it out, lots of mum's "big boy", "best big brother", more attention for him alone when you have the chance and his dad backing you up when he lashes out at you.

Ignore the posters being bitchy. You're stressed by his behaviour but doing your best. 3 years olds are challenging but they won't be 3 forever 😀

My DD was extremely difficult aged 3. Everyone said ‘the terrible 2’s’ but for me the worst age was 3. It was like walking on egg shells trying not to upset her, she refused to let me do anything for her, would kick at me if I attempted to help with laces or buckles, she’d ram her feet into the wheels of the pushchair so I couldn’t push it (had to wheel it like a wheelbarrow) and she had to go in the pushchair because she refused to walk in the direction I needed to go. She used to call me horrible names and seemed to really dislike me. Embarrassingly she’d cry when she had to come home from nursery and all the other kids ran to their parents. I loved her so much, it really broke my heart.

It all stopped when she started school, she became very normal and very affectionate and now she’s 11 and we get on so well, we have very similar interests, she’s thoughtful and kind and really funny.

I tell her about when she was three and she finds it hilarious, she loves hearing about how much of a demon she was. I bet when your DS starts school you’ll find he changes very quickly. It’s just a rotten phase, he will grow out of it.

Thanks. Problem with love bombing is that it’s very hard when they won’t let you anywhere near them. So I do feel we’re at a bit of a stalemate!

@StarShapedWindow thank you. I can relate to some of that, it’s not all the time but sometimes I do feel like we just spend the days fighting one another.