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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I wish I hadn’t had my son

109 replies

Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:11

Horrible thread but if I’m honest with myself I really don’t like him very much and he really doesn’t like me. We just constantly rub one another up the wrong way. He hates me and screams got his dad all the time; if I try to speak to him he just screams over me. I have other children and my relationship with them isn’t like this. I hate spending time with him.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/11/2023 17:09

How does his dad react to his rejection of you, and preference for him?

marthawashington · 28/11/2023 17:09

Try looking at Dr Becky Kennedy videos. When you work on the positive attachment the better behavior follows. I've been there and it really helps

Perfect28 · 28/11/2023 17:11

What do you do when he hits? Is there any reason he feels so sad/bad?

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 17:15

I’m pretty good at routine @OhComeOnFFS … I don’t have too rigid an approach but we do have a fairly good one going. I don’t offer snacks … I don’t know, really!

I know the general consensus on here is that kids are awful to their mums because we’re the ‘safe’ parent and maybe that’s true but he just really seems to despise me sometimes.

I don’t yell either - I do think you may have got the wrong impression.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 17:15

I don’t know @Perfect28 but he certainly doesn’t seem happy at the moment, I agree.

OP posts:
craigth162 · 28/11/2023 17:17

I sympathise 100% and tbh feel th3 same. I currently have a painful breast absess and bronchitis and and a single parent to a 3 yearold with additional needs. He is hard hard work and a lot of the time i regret having him. Lets both hope it gets better

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 17:18

I’m really sorry to hear that @craigth162 Flowers

OP posts:
prestonlass · 28/11/2023 17:18

My 3yo can also be difficult and often behaves in a way that feels downright mean, he is also obsessed with daddy and pretty much ignores me whenever anyone else is around. When he was about a year old he went through a very intense daddy phase for a good year or so and it got me really down to the point of actually being depressed, so my guess is he's still feeling some confusion about that. What I really try to do now is notice when I'm feeling negative towards him and remind myself of something cute or funny he did, or a time he was affectionate, and that lifts my mood and reframes my perception of him. His behaviour often improves just because I guess he feels more loved. Sometimes though I do just say something like "I'm feeling frustrated now because you just hit me/said something hurtful/did something I asked you not to do, so I'm going to go in another room. When I come back we can have a cuddle and play some more.". He often actually apologises when I come back!
Another way to think of it is you're the "safe" person he can let out all his feelings with - everything is just so intense at this age that minor things cause a huge meltdown and he knows you're there for him whatever he does, or maybe he's testing whether you are because he can feel that maybe you'd sometimes prefer not to be!

Chickenkeev · 28/11/2023 17:22

Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 16:56

I know - although he isn’t literally a baby, he’s a young child and one with firm opinions and a temper and unfortunately I am frequently at the receiving end of both.

You just sound like you're wrecked. Kids of that age can be very trying. My daughter is older, but we had a couple of mornings in her early years at creche/school where she just would not cooperate with me and i ended up slumped on the floor in tears, completely defeated. She did grow out of that, but it was tough. Hang in there x

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 17:24

That resonates @Chickenkeev Flowers

OP posts:
pandarific · 28/11/2023 17:28

@Standardssolow my little boy was a pain in the arse at 3. I know this may not be what you feel like doing but how about roughhousing with him? Tickles, hanging him upside down by ankles, big squishy bear hugs, playing horsey? Some kids want that physical connection with you.

Mischance · 28/11/2023 17:29

Sorry to hear this - it must be so hard.

One suggestion - talk with your OH and make sure he tells DS that he is out of order when he does these unacceptable things to you. It will not work if OH just laps up the attention without making sure your DS knows he has done something wrong. I am not suggesting big negative actions, but no positive ones that might reinforce the behaviour: "You must NOT do that to Mummy - it is wrong and I do not like it."

Mischance · 28/11/2023 17:30

I sometimes used humour: "Really? - you are joking!"

Chickenkeev · 28/11/2023 17:30

Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 17:24

That resonates @Chickenkeev Flowers

If it makes you feel any better, she has been great for years now. Getting her up and out for school never a problem. I suppose the older they get, the more they are able to regulate their emotions etc. 3 is really quite little when you think about it.

Stopbloodybanging · 28/11/2023 17:34

I feel so so sorry for you. My neighbour’s ds was like this, as was the ds of a close friend. Both boys have turned into lovely, sweet, caring boys who really love their mums. Please have faith that it will turn out ok. Don’t beat yourself up for having very natural feelings but do your best to ride out this difficult time in the knowledge that it won’t last forever.

Juicymango · 28/11/2023 17:39

Do you work? Maybe going full time and putting him in preschool would help.

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 17:42

Thanks all. I do work yes - he attends nursery then.

OP posts:
housethatbuiltme · 28/11/2023 17:49

Hes 3 for god sake.

All 3 of my kids a 'daddys boys/girl'... why? because daddy goes off to work while mummy is always there. I'm literally just furniture to them but daddy is super special and goes away sometimes.

I struggle to imagine how you could dislike or wish out of existence a toddler as a functioning adult.

He isn't meant to be emotionally stable yet but you are (unless you are in a mental health crisis in which case the child is not the issue and you need to speak to a doctor or nurse etc...).

2catsandhappy · 28/11/2023 17:52

I can only advise to pretend you have a film crew with you. You are making a film about How to Handle Your Toddler. New mums are relying on you to teach them.
It really helped me in those early years.

FranticHare · 28/11/2023 17:53

Sympathies - my eldest was a bit like this.

Have you tried activities where he is completely physically reliant on you? Something like swimming? My eldest has always loved the water, and before she could swim it was great bonding - she couldn't just hit me or what ever as she would have drowned! We went a couple of times a week for a little while.

I also realised I was the 'No' parent as I spent more time with her, and did more of the parenting. I read somewhere about trying not to say the word no. It did not mean she did whatever she wanted - but just rephrasing the answer. i.e. can i have cake 10 mins before dinner? I'd reply what a great idea to have cake - we'll have our dinner first and then have some for our pudding. It nipped the tantrum in the bud, as it was the work No that was triggering them.

It worked for us - but every child is different! But it is just a phase, he does love you, he is just being a 3 year old. Make sure you have time to yourself to give yourself a break - even if its just going for a walk leaving him with your OH.

oakleaffy · 28/11/2023 17:55

OhComeOnFFS · 28/11/2023 17:05

That's very helpful. Have you thought of becoming a counsellor?

Show quote history

😂

@Standardssolow
My son is a man now,( and lovely) but I definitely remember him when he was small preferring Daddy over me at certain times.

I think it’s normal to prefer one parent over another at various times.

I’m certain your son doesn’t hate you-
It’s probably a bit of a vicious circle
Children are very perceptive to moods-

Can you “ Fake it to make it?”

Your son slapping you absolutely isn’t on though, nor is him pushing you around.
Definitely nip that in the bud.

He must know that hitting is bad.

Original poster
Standardssolow · 28/11/2023 18:00

I can live with a preference but this seems more than that. It really does feel like he dislikes me

OP posts:
kwetu · 28/11/2023 18:01

My youngest DS was like this till he was about 4, now he is the kindest sweetest most loving child I've had. Try not to despair, there's hope yet!

Nowherenew · 28/11/2023 18:03

Kids are hard.
There is not one person who has never hated being a parent, even if just for a split second.

He’s only 3.
Age 2/3 is when they can become an extra challenge because they’re leaving the baby stage and becoming little people.
Its also relentless and life revolves around them.

I promise you things will get easier.

If you think you may be depressed then definitely see the GP.

In the meantime, tell your DH that you’re struggling and you need some more alone time.
Even if you just go for a long walk and sit on a bench for an hour. Or go and park somewhere and read a book.
That space and time on your own is so important.

I’d also look into a nursery/extend his hours.
Being able to play all day with friends his own age will do wonders for him and you’ll get a bit of extra space.

Reinga · 28/11/2023 18:05

@FortofPud I think the documentary was episode 2 of "Help me love my baby".
Despite the click-baitey title, I thought it was very moving and honest. The Mums were brave to take part and be so vulnerable.

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