To buy less for older working daughter than younger brother and sister?

[snuggleswithmygirlies]

I have bought the Christmas presents for our younger children who are school aged and we have our older dd in her 20s coming for Xmas and staying a few nights.
I have bought about half the amount for her and dh says that's unfair but my argument is she has had years of opening presents to that value and amount, now she is a working adult she wont get as much as the younger ones.
I don't expect to be buying that much for the younger ones once they're the same age.
Who is being unreasonable?

I’d say it depends on the circumstances.

If she’s late 20s, a lawyer getting £50k plus and living with a DP who is also a high earner.
Then I wouldn’t think she needed as much.

If she’s early 20s just starting out her career on £18k a year and doesn’t have much after paying her rent.
Then I would think she needed more than your other DCs.

She won't want to have to transport a huge pile of stuff.
Smaller nice gifts are far better when having to lug them home again.

I feel all children should be treated equally, regardless of age.

My mum doesn’t get the whole sack of present for me anymore.

I’m also I’m my twenties, I have a sister in her late teens and she gets a sack but she still lives at home. Ever since we have moved out and started a family we get a hamper from my mum with something like a nice coffee machine, some bits to go with it and some snacks and bits in the hamper. I think it’s really lovely and I don’t compare it to what my younger sibling gets, because she still lives at home it’s just different😂

Your DH is saying that 'visually' she needs the same size pile as her younger siblings? Or that she needs the same amount spent on her, or both?

Is he still 5 years old?! He's obviously still burning with jealousy and resentment from some childhood Christmas when his 'pile' under the tree was smaller in volume and/or monetary value than his younger brother.

And it appears lots of posters equate how much is spent on a child (or themselves) as a direct reflection of how much they are loved and valued. Which is rubbish and demonstrates exactly what is wrong with our materialistic society today, especially at Christmas.

My 11 year old nephew threw a sulk a few Christmas ago on Christmas day because his much younger siblings got 'more gifts' to open than him. He got a bloody MacBook costing thousands! And some very expensive clothing he'd asked for. I had very little patience for that attitude and told him so. His siblings got toys, dressing up outfits and colouring books fgs.

your argument that she has had years is moot... your younger children have years ahead of them.

Personally as an only child I never had this but I did witness it as friends who were siblings constantly getting less attention, less affection and less presents, they always felt it, felt it was unfair, felt the gap, that they got socks and a jumper and the child got a PS5.. it is massive and shows how much they are valued... compared to "the kids"

don't spend different amounts on your children.

I think it's impossible to spend the same amount of money when you have a big age gap. There is 6 years between my Dc and I remember when the eldest wanted a new iPhone as a main present, it looked so pathetic wrapped next to the youngest presents because she was still at the toy age. It didn't even cross my mind to think I had to spend the same because I'd have had to build an extension to fit the younger ones stuff in when you take into account how much the eldest had altogether.

As long as they are all happy it doesn't matter. I can't remember sitting there Christmas morning doing the maths to check me and my sister had the same spent on us.

My two are younger but their presents are about what they want/ need. DS2 is a cheaper child to please than DS1 and one year, his "Santa present" was a £6 ball, whereas DS1's was a £80 Lego set. It felt odd that there was such a big discrepency, but the children were treated fairly according to their desires that meant more to them than monetary value.

Being identical is not necessarily the same as fair and it can disregard individual circumstances and personality. What matters is meeting practical and emotional needs through life. An adult may "just" get a fancy toiletries set for Christmas, but then need a far more expensive leg-up for a major change like buying a car/ house/ wedding. Dependent children need you to support all their needs all the time.

I always spent the same on my two children but it's spread out differently now my youngest has two children, so his amount is shared out between him and his family.

How old are the ypunger ones

I think it is perfectly reasonable, provided you treat other kids the same once they reach the same age. I would probably have chat with her beforehand though, so she isn't surprised. I've not really cut back on presents or spending for my two yet as they are still Uni age and financially dependent on us, but I would expect things to gradually change as they get older. At some point, I would expect presents to be more or less reciprocal i.e. an adult child would buy similar gifts for their parent as the parent does for their child. Some families might have a norm where adult children buy multiple presents for their parents and vice versa, but that's not how it works in our family.

This. Also have a sibling 10 years younger than me and I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting my parents to spend the same amount on me as them when I wasn't even living with them and earning my own money

I think you're right. As you say, once they get to the same age they will get less too. It shouldn't be about the sheet amount of gift anyway should it?

I have older and younger siblings with a decent age gap
please don't worry your eldest isn't going to feel undervalued by getting perfume over 10 squishy toys 🤦‍♀️
and of course the tree will look focussed on the littler ones ! Surely any reasonable young adult will see that's fine 🤷‍♀️
i would suggest you talk to her about it in advance and say now she's older you are going to do fewer more significant presents for her and will do the same for the littles when they reach that age too
or you set a financial budget of £x amount per child and that's what's spend if it's 1 gift or 10 or heaven forbid cash 🤪
adult Christmas with family can still be super enjoyable and special and welcoming without stuff and things

Do those who talk about always spending the same on 'children' think that their parents should provide them with expensive presents for the rest of their lives? Do you expect to be treated like a child by your parents forever?
It's not about being less valued, but moving into another phase of your life, as an adult, which the younger siblings will as well when they are older.
Hopefully, my son's earnings will exceed ours considerably as his career progresses, but presumably some of you would expect us to continue spending hundreds of pounds on him at Christmas, as he is our child?

My mum from when we were 16 moved from just a pile of gifts to just our Christmas Eve boxes (literally pjs, slippers of socks and a book, puzzle box or dvd ) and 3 gifts and money
and it was the same 3 things
perfume (all girls)
a chosen/requested gift (so a bra set or a bag or clothes or some make up or jewelry whatever)
And a small gift bag bag with chocolate and sweets and a silly toy or puzzle

now as adults we obviously no longer get Christmas Eve boxes so now we get
pjs
Perfume
sweets/ chocolate
Mon Christmas Day and that's it

I think she removed stockings when we started secondary school or a year or two after Santa was uncovered

for years my younger sister got loads more and I never recall batting an eye at it and if my eldest was that jealous of a young child Aw a much older child / adult I'd be concerned about my parenting 🤣😂

We’ve always done it the other way. Spent more on a 13 year old than a 5 year old, for example- as better computer equipment is worth paying for but not loads of plastic crap in the form of toys. 5 year old roughly got what the 13 year old did when he was 5. Now ours are early 20s and mid teen - older is working, but at home . We’re spending the same on them.

Presents under the tree come from us in our house - Santa fills the stocking that's left outside the bedroom door. (But yes, I'm amazed people have their presents bought, wrapped, and under the tree already!)

I think your point about your older one having had years of presents already is a bit of a moot point... Your younger ones have years ahead of them, so it would all even out over time.

There's a big age gap between me and my brother (he's younger) and gets more than me...I'd rather that tbh as I can afford to by myself what I want, whereas he can't as is still in uni!

I would not expect to buy for an adult child the way I buy for a younger child. I went to uni at 18 so from then until I graduated, Christmas and Birthdays consisted of money and a small, well considered, token present. Once I was working properly it was just the small present. We're better off than my mum was, so I'd expect to give my grown up kids more financial help, but not piles of presents at Christmas. I think that's totally the wrong focus for a happy life and not the way I'd want my relationships with my adult children to go.

It will only even out if you stop giving them piles of presents when they reach a set age. Otherwise the older one will always have more years of it.

At what point do you think it's appropriate to stop giving piles of presents?

We have an agreement that you get "big" presents until you are 21, and after that you'll get some nice stuff and we Santa will still fill your stocking. We have quite a generous budget for gifts so they're all still getting plenty. Dd2 (youngest) turned 20 yesterday so one more year!

Not unreasonable at all, particularly since youre only talking volume not value. But probably worth talking it through with her in advance so there's no misunderstanding on the day.

no matter how old the children get, they still have feelings, they’re still our children and I think it’s important to maintain equal treatment, for all of the children. The value should be the same, but of course younger children like lots of presents under the tree and if they are of lower price per present, it’s fine.

my eldest is almost 12 and one his gifts is a cookery class at Jamie Oliver’s school. My daughter is 4 and she will be getting stuff like arty sets, dress up stuff…more boxes but not as pricey per item, compared to her brother.