To buy less for older working daughter than younger brother and sister?

[snuggleswithmygirlies]

I have bought the Christmas presents for our younger children who are school aged and we have our older dd in her 20s coming for Xmas and staying a few nights.
I have bought about half the amount for her and dh says that's unfair but my argument is she has had years of opening presents to that value and amount, now she is a working adult she wont get as much as the younger ones.
I don't expect to be buying that much for the younger ones once they're the same age.
Who is being unreasonable?

Do you mean you've spent the same amount but bought older DD fewer higher value items? Or that you've spent less on her overall?

Will DD be buying you an DH gifts, or presents for her siblings?

I don't think it's unreasonable exactly, but you might want to at least discuss it with older DD before Christmas Day. It really depends on your family dynamics.

I agree with your husband. Doesn't matter how old she is or whether or not she is working, it is pretty unfair - how on earth do you think she is going to feel? Unvalued?

Ultimately its up to you. But i don't envisage spending differing amounts on my children for gifts, only in relation to my responsibility for their needs living in my house I'd be spending more in that way, naturally, but not for gifts.

It's more that the younger ones have about 20 presents, lots are toys or teddies/squishmallows or in big boxes so look lots even though each present didn't cost a lot individually.
They're also twins so have lots of matching presents or equivalent.
Dd has about half the presents but things like perfume, alcohol, she's into painting so canvases and painting accessories.
I admit looking under the tree it does look geared up for the younger ones with the assumption they (probably don't but pretend to) believe it's from Santa.

I remember getting piles of presents under the tree as a child but when I left home I'd just get a few nice things and give a few nice things a back. I assumed that was normal as it was my own experience but I didn't have younger siblings so I don't know.
She will bring a gift for each of us I'm sure.

I think it's fine, she is still getting gifts. Also younger kids stuff is bigger. My 3 yo has what looks like mounds of toys compared to the 11 yo but it's just that young kids stuff is bulkier.

Also I actually don't think adults need as much stuff, they have their own money while kids don't have the same access to money and only get this stuff at birthday and Christmas. I only had 1 friend who used to get loads of gifts from parents as an adult and we would slag him off for it 🤷‍♀️

I would find it strange if an adult with a job who doesn't live at home expected the same value/amount spent at Christmas as younger siblings that are still children.

I'm with you.

My parents have always been very careful to spend the same amount of money on all of us. Of course that amount varied from year to year, but was split the same regardless of ages. We understood that what it looked like might be different.
I think that's the fairest way. You are of course entitled to do things as you wish.

I cut right back on the amount I gave my 2 DC once they became adults. Both earn more than me! I've a younger DC (not quite teenage yet) who I spend a lot more on. But I don't spend as much on him as I did the older 2 when they were the same age!

I certainly don't get the same amount/value of presents from my parents as I did when i was a child and I don't know anyone who does - it becomes more of a mutual exchange than parents buying for children.

If you take your DH's approach you will be buying the same amount/value of presents for them all forever more. You can't (say) change when the youngest hits 21 because that will mean your eldest has been getting more presents for longer.
I have 2 uni aged DC (close in age) and they definitely now get fewer presents than they did when they were little. Value might not be much less though for now at least, although I expect that will reduce as they start earning as the gifts we buy include things that an adult would probably just buy for themselves. I don't see why it should be any different just because there are also younger siblings.

In our house gifts fall into 2 categories -

1. stocking. They used to have very large stockings because we do main presents after lunch so the stocking was large enough for some toys to keep them going. I have bought new normal sized stocking for this year so they will get fewer stocking presents (but they still have the fun of a stocking). I imagine the stocking might stop as they get their own houses/have DC/are elsewhere for christmas.

1. Main present (or a couple of smaller presents) plus cash. I can see the type of gift changing as they get older (and cash gifts ceasing) and cost probably reducing (e.g. they currently get new phones for christmas every few years which i expect they will simply upgrade themselves when they are earning).

Depending on your split between stocking and main present, is there anything you can remove/reduce which is more obviously explained by difference in age/stage in life? Worth a chat with your DD, and she can join in the fun of buying for her younger siblings.

I agree with your husband. I think DCs should get the same amount until they either settle down/get married, so you are also buying for their other half or they have their own children, in which case you're buying more for the grandchildren. That's how is always been in my family.

Will she and her siblings be exchanging presents?

I have bought things on behalf of them to give to her so they have things to give.

It needs to be the same cost.

I must be an outlier as I spend FAR MORE on my young adult DC at Christmas and birthdays than I did when they were at school.

I usually buy a few tree presents and then they get £500 - £1000 each, depending on what kind of year I have had. I don’t think I spent more than £250 each when they were little.

Yeah, this. My mum likes getting me lots for Christmas, but since I started earning money, I buy things I want/need throughout the year, so really don't need things when Christmas comes. I always ask for PJs, books and chocolate, but she says she feels bad only giving me those things!

I think presents on any one year can't be viewed in a vacuum. It's totally fine to spend less as they get older, as long as you intend to spend less as the others get older.

Gifts have a habit of getting smaller and more expensive with age. So a £100 budget (for example) might buy a massive pile of 5/10/15 gifts - everything a 3 year old wants, or a tiny wrapped airpod box for a teen.

I think an adult should also understand less is spent on them as an adult, than the clearly children, younger siblings. But as years go on will anticipate/expect your gift giving to follow the same pattern with the youngers as it did for them.

A different view I suppose, is how do you open presents on the day? If it's a "here's your pile - crack on" then it's not so "obvious" in terms of difference.

If you do, "one person unwraps a gift, then gets the next one for someone else, and so on". Or "everyone takes a gift and unwraps", then that feels different. Even if you know and they know its perfectly fair, it can still feel a bit sad sitting there as its "oh, one for Meg" "One for Sarah" and "Another for Meg" and so on, watching siblings open gift after gift, with only one or two yourself.

And a possibly just me point, but its not so much the value or amount of gifts that make me feel "left out" but the having something to play with on the day. You could buy me some slippers, or an all inclusive spa weekend and the best gift on the day would be something I could use straight away like a puzzle cube.

Ive spent a lot more on four year old DD than on eleven year old DD. And their eight year old brother is also having less spent on him than his youngest sibling but they are all getting exactly what they want. It's swings and roundabouts. Older DD will probably get a new phone mid year before secondary school etc etc. You have to look at the overall picture.

I've got a sibling 10 years younger and it would never have occurred to me to expect the same number of presents when I was an adult and they were a child. The individual presents I did get (e.g. perfume) were probably more expensive than their individual toys - but I wouldn't have been adding up the monetary value either.

Think you should spend the same on each child, irrespective of age unless you are struggling financially and need to ‘prioritise’ gifts for the younger children and it was explained to the older child the rationale.

I don't see what's wrong with this. As we get older we value more meaningful presents not just a ton of gifts that kids like to open.

You don't have to have the exact same amount of boxes or presents for everyone, that's just ridiculous.

Don't think it needs to be the same number of gifts, but it should be approximately the same value. She is old enough to understand that some gifts cost more than others, but she shouldn't be made to feel that she is somehow less important just because she is older.

I always spend approximately the same amount for my children. . They are all adults but with very different incomes .

DD always has more to open than DS because she asks for specific items

DS never knows what he wants so it's really hard

Totally reasonable, my kids in their 20’s don’t expect to get the same amount as their school age siblings