To buy less for older working daughter than younger brother and sister?

[snuggleswithmygirlies]

I have bought the Christmas presents for our younger children who are school aged and we have our older dd in her 20s coming for Xmas and staying a few nights.
I have bought about half the amount for her and dh says that's unfair but my argument is she has had years of opening presents to that value and amount, now she is a working adult she wont get as much as the younger ones.
I don't expect to be buying that much for the younger ones once they're the same age.
Who is being unreasonable?

Is the spend equal?

Number always diminishes as they get older as what they want gets more expensive.

We have had the same conversation this year. We will still spend @£200 older two each at least, but they have bought their own homes and earn more than I do!
I don’t want to, but also feel that they have had their time and it needs to slow down at some point.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, we have several children with over 20 years between them and the dependant children are prioritised with our time and resources over the non dependent children & grandchildren. Our children dependant on us don’t have the choice to change their circumstances in any way so we see it as only fair. This has caused a lot of resentment from one adult DC though who wants the world to revolve around their children. I would be there for any of my children and the grandchildren if they really needed but I’m not going to e.g spend all our time and money on going to visit the grandchildren every couple of weeks when it would result in us not having the money or time for our dependant children to do activities and clubs they enjoy.

I never understand this concept that spending exactly the same amount = equal love. My parents used to buy us the things we wanted/needed. I don't think I ever sat and totted up how much each of our presents cost. I was usually just delighted to get the thing(s) that I really wanted, as were my siblings. Sometimes I suspect that meant one of us got something more expensive than the others. Overall I imagine we all had a similar amount spent over our lives. I've never considered needing to add it up though.

It seems even odder to me as an adult to be sat working out how much all of your presents cost compared to your school aged siblings. It might be noticeable if one got a clearly very expensive computer with lots of accessories and games and another only got a box of chocolates. But it doesn't sound like that is the case.

I definitely wouldn't be going out now to buy more things just to even things up - that's just buying for the sake of it and seems very wasteful and unnecessary.

I’d always spend equally on my children.

I think it is unfair and begs the question why you have bought the younger ones so much that her presents look measly beside theirs.

Ive done the same. My 20 year old son lives at home still, works full time, contributes to the household, but has more than double the disposable income i have. He buys himself designer clothes on a monthly basis. My younger school aged children do not get 1/10 what he gets. My christmas budget for him is half my other 2 childrens'. Only seems fair IMO

Value wise my working DD always gets the same as student DS, and I now also include her partner to the same value as I see him as one of our now (they will soon be married). I kind of make sure that they have equal amounts of presents unless one of them is having something special like a new computer or something designer.

I am an adult child and I agree with you. I buy my own necessities and also have enough income to buy things I like. I've been trying to reassure my mum that I don't need to open loads of stuff on Christmas day for about a decade. She is starting to believe me now. I love exchanging gifts but it is not the main part of the Christmas anymore when you're grown up.

I think spending less on her sounds fine in principle, but be aware that she’s probably buying all 4 of you separate presents out of her own (probably quite limited?) pay, which might not be easy for her. So I would definitely try to make it worth her while, if you can afford to.

As long as you spend the same money value on them then fine

I’m with you on this one, DS is working full time and has more disposable then we do so won’t spend anywhere near as much on him as we do teen DD. He had years as a teen getting a lot more value wise (in designer clothes) then DD who still wanted toys and teddies! DD is now at that stage and DS will get pants and smellies lol.

I agree with you to a degree, but don’t you think this is a rather privileged position?

If there isn’t much concern about being able to afford the important / most wanted things, then the family can relax a bit about who gets what and when.

In a family where finances are tight though, where there are lots of things both wanted and needed and no possibility to get even most of them, then what do you say yes to? How do you justify yes to the laptop for child A, but no to the i-pad for child B? Or yes to the i-pad but only an i-pad mini?
Finances are a way to draw a line regarding what is reasonable to expect and a way of rationalising when somebody needs to go without.

Blimey, you'd all hate Christmas at my house, adults don't get presents, at all. Presents are for kids, when you become an adult it stops, regardless of whether you have siblings who are still receiving gifts. We stopped adult presents years ago, it makes Christmas so much less expensive and less stressful. Everyone is happy with this arrangement! We also don't buy for any extended family/friends, I buy Christmas presents for my two young children and my young niece, that's it. And when they become adults, it will stop.

So I'm 100% on your side! I love Christmas SO much more since we did it this way. I don't feel bankrupt every year and don't dread how much it is all going to cost!

Call me Scrooge!

I completely agree with you. She’s an adult earning her own money who doesn’t live with you. I’d never expect the same amount of presents as a younger sibling who believes in Santa!

I have 2 Adult and 2 school age. I cut back on the Adult two when they became financially independent earning there own money, but whilst they were teenagers they got the expensive presents while the little two didn't have alot of money spent at all as what they wanted was significantly cheaper/bought second hand. There's never been a never ending budget and I phones and x boxes are expensive....

When the youngest two are financially independent I will cut back on them too, who knows me and the husband might get each other something for a year or too untill the grandchildren arrive....but im not going to give a grown man earning a full wage the value of a PS5 because that's what his 12 year old brother desperately wants, that seems crazy to me, I spend about 150 on the adults. It'll all be fair in the end.

Christmas changes as you become an adult, it's not the presents that hold the value and enjoyment and im sure your adult daughter will not expect as many presents as her little siblings and will enjoy watching their excitement as well as being happy with whatever she receives from you. I certainly don't receive the same money from my parents as I did as a child nor would I want too.

It's fine. Adults don't get as much as children. Part of growing up.

if you’ve spent the same on them all that’s fine, but why on earth have you got presents wrapped up under the tree 3 weeks early. Surely you set it all up on Christmas Eve as if santas been?

I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all if my mum and dad had done this. To me it seems normal that younger, dependent children will get more than an independent adult even if they’re siblings. Surely by your twenties you wouldn’t be comparing the present count to youngsters?

Surely a grown adult doesn't expect to get the same amount spent on them ? Bloody hell are we raising children to stay children. When do you expect them to grow up 30? 50? or never.

Team mum. But having said that as a pagan family we don't give /receive presents. Saves so much hassle and angst of which I often read on MN.

I have a younger sibling who LOVES what I would describe as "tat". I've never been able to stand it. We've both moved out now, but to this day her "pile" is always bigger than mine because she wants all the festive, sparkly, plastic, glittery stuff and I have always been a fan of long lasting clothes and vouchers/cash to buy books etc. When we were young I may have questioned it (don't remember doing it) but since knowing and understanding the cost of things I've never felt less loved or valued because she had more parcels 🤷‍♀️

If you've spent the same then I don't see an issue. It happens as you get older, you get less presents but they cost more

It's perfectly fine and normal.
You need to rememer that your DD doesn't need extra pressure to purchase really expensive gifts for you for eternity.

@snuggleswithmygirlies Your logic is sound but i'd pre-warn her that visually what will be under the tree looks less for her but cost around the same so that she isn't caught unaware and feels as if she matters less.