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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked me to contact manager and let them know she will be off work.

151 replies

JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 16:24

Basically, I made friends with a girl at a former job.

I moved on to a new role in a different organisation and a few months later, she started in a completely different department at the same organisation. Our roles do not cross over I do not know her colleagues at all. This is a very big public sector organisation where we mainly WFH.

Her life has been a bit of a rollercoaster for a while and I am trying to help her through this. Lots of issues with her partner. We speak most days but this weekend it was radio silence, I knew something was up.

Came home from school run to a note through the door saying she is fine and so are the children, however partner is not. Tomorrow can I contact her manager and tell her she won't be in for a couple days as she has family issues.

I understand this needs to be her focus but this makes me really awkward . I am not her next of kin or family, if her line manager has questions I would be unable to answer as I have no idea when she will be back or what has even happened - she started less than a month ago and has not even had a pay day yet. I am also in probation as a new starter (although further into mine) and whilst I don't think I'd get in trouble for it I don't like the impression it would give to my manager if she thought I thought this was an acceptable way to contact a manager.

My friend is terrible with her phone, rarely ever has credit so relies heavily on imessage/facetime audio, which is why I am assuming she has asked me to contact her manager.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to not message her LM and fall out but at the same time I think this is just not really fair to put me in this position. I haven't been able to contact her all weekend, so have no way of getting a message to her to say I don't want to do this as messages aren't going through to phone, have tried to call but as its FT audio there is no VM function.

I could go to her house (which is a 15-20 minute drive) however I've no idea what this situation is and what I'd be walking into, or if she is even there.

AIBU

Yes - yes you are, contact manager
No - stay out of it

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/11/2023 16:26

I would pass on the message and leave it there.

Springcleaninginsummer · 27/11/2023 16:27

No, she can't pass this onto you to do. She signed a contract for the job and she knows that she has to ring in sick. She could have topped her phone up in the time she spent writing a note and coming to yours. Just step away from this and prioritise yourself.

Verv · 27/11/2023 16:28

Personally, I wouldn't do it, or get involved in any way shape or form.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/11/2023 16:28

Stay out of it!

Daphnis156 · 27/11/2023 16:28

Don't get involved.
Tell her you are unable to do this and she must ring in herself.

Cactuar · 27/11/2023 16:29

Have you got a HR department? If so I would let them know the circumstances- they can contact your friends line manager and I would imagine would want to contact your friend in this situation in any event.

TyneTeas · 27/11/2023 16:29

Everywhere I have worked you have to make contact yourself

TrashedSofa · 27/11/2023 16:30

I think I wouldn't have ever got the note, if asked.

Createausername1970 · 27/11/2023 16:31

I am not sure I would go to her house on my own.

I think I would do as she asks, but make it very clear to her manger that you don't know anything other than the note through your door. You could take a photo of it and offer to email it to the manager.

It's great that you have been supporting her recently, but don't do get drawn in or agree to lie for her, or anything that would jeopardize your own job security.

HollaHolla · 27/11/2023 16:31

Once my Mum let my Manager know (in the days before being able to email from phones), when I was unexpectedly taken into hospital - and my ex partner a couple of times, when I had such a bad migraine, I couldn't see/function. But, Y'know, we lived together.
This is inappropriate to ask you to do, and if it was one of my team, I'd be having quite a serious conversation upon their return, about the responsibilities you sign up for.
However, I do see that she's left you in a bind. Can you copy your friend in on the message, and ensure she can see what you've said - and be clear to the Line Manager that you are only passing on the message, and further discussion would need to be had with her?

TenderChicken · 27/11/2023 16:31

It's really inappropriate of her to ask you to do this. It doesn't make either of you look very professional.

She sounds very chaotic.

SnowflakeSparkles · 27/11/2023 16:31

A note through your door saying her and kids are fine and partner is not?

Fuck phoning the manager I'd be phoning the police.

Seriously though I would insist on getting hold of her and I would send her a message saying you are really worried and can she please phone you first so you can hear her voice. Tell her you won't send the message to work until you speak to her, whether you plan to actually pass on the message or not.

FWIW in the event everything is fine, surely it will be her this situation reflects badly on and not you.

HardcoreLadyType · 27/11/2023 16:32

Just pass the message, verbatim. If they ask for more info, say you don’t have it and they will need to contact her directly.

SnowflakeSparkles · 27/11/2023 16:34

It's even weirder because in this day and age you can email/IM/text in sick without having to speak to someone. It might not be ideal or polite and might be against some policies but in reality at least the managers will know.

It's just really off to me that she would allow such a cast of suspicion or drama around herself by not simply taking a minute to phone in sick herself. I would honestly be quite worried.

susiedaisy1912 · 27/11/2023 16:35

So she's ok and had time to write a note and deliver it to your house but can't phone or email her manager? Sounds to me like she knows it won't go down too well with her boss so wants to let someone else do her dirty work.

JadziaD · 27/11/2023 16:35

I think her behaviour is ridiculous and completely inappropriate and you have every right to be annoyed.

I'd probably pass on the message but I'd be very clear in how I did it, "Hello, I'm afraid I don't know why I've been asked to pass this on rather than friend contacting you directly, but this is what she put through my door today."

RudsyFarmer · 27/11/2023 16:36

I don’t understand why this would be a big deal. You pass the message along, via email if need be. If pressed you just tell the truth. The note was put through your door, you know she has done personal issues and know nothing more than that. Job done. How does this reflect badly on you?

RudsyFarmer · 27/11/2023 16:36

*some

SnowflakeSparkles · 27/11/2023 16:37

Sorry to keep posting but, if she works from home then surely she has a laptop connected to internal email and messaging systems even if she can't use a phone. I would be really quite worried tbh, but then again I do listen to a lot of true crime so maybe I'm being a bit dramatic.

WhamBamThankU · 27/11/2023 16:38

Could it be a sort of cry help from the friend? Could her and the kids be in danger from the partner?

PossumintheHouse · 27/11/2023 16:38

If you feel you should pass the message on, contact HR and let them deal with the situation.

You say she doesn’t have credit, but surely she could receive a text message/email/Facebook message from you? I’d personally be telling her that I am unable to pass on the message and that she must get in touch herself.

Whatever happens, they aren’t going to be happy with her. Less than a month at the workplace and she pulls something like that?

MattDamon · 27/11/2023 16:38

SnowflakeSparkles · 27/11/2023 16:31

A note through your door saying her and kids are fine and partner is not?

Fuck phoning the manager I'd be phoning the police.

Seriously though I would insist on getting hold of her and I would send her a message saying you are really worried and can she please phone you first so you can hear her voice. Tell her you won't send the message to work until you speak to her, whether you plan to actually pass on the message or not.

FWIW in the event everything is fine, surely it will be her this situation reflects badly on and not you.

This. Are you sure she's safe?? I'd be doing a welfare check on her before anything else.

Frogmarch89 · 27/11/2023 16:39

I'm confused. If she mainly wfh why doesn't she just email her manager?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/11/2023 16:41

I'd explain the situation to her manager and yours. She's put you in a very awkward position and I wouldn't hide that from them.

Be very clear with them that you've tried to contact her to say it's inappropriate, but you haven't been able to make contact.

Any welfare concerns can be dealt with by them tomorrow.

I wouldn't go round there yourself in case the 'my partner isn't' is a round about way of saying that her partner has caused an issue.

susiedaisy1912 · 27/11/2023 16:41

Can you text her op and ask her what's going on?