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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked me to contact manager and let them know she will be off work.

151 replies

JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 16:24

Basically, I made friends with a girl at a former job.

I moved on to a new role in a different organisation and a few months later, she started in a completely different department at the same organisation. Our roles do not cross over I do not know her colleagues at all. This is a very big public sector organisation where we mainly WFH.

Her life has been a bit of a rollercoaster for a while and I am trying to help her through this. Lots of issues with her partner. We speak most days but this weekend it was radio silence, I knew something was up.

Came home from school run to a note through the door saying she is fine and so are the children, however partner is not. Tomorrow can I contact her manager and tell her she won't be in for a couple days as she has family issues.

I understand this needs to be her focus but this makes me really awkward . I am not her next of kin or family, if her line manager has questions I would be unable to answer as I have no idea when she will be back or what has even happened - she started less than a month ago and has not even had a pay day yet. I am also in probation as a new starter (although further into mine) and whilst I don't think I'd get in trouble for it I don't like the impression it would give to my manager if she thought I thought this was an acceptable way to contact a manager.

My friend is terrible with her phone, rarely ever has credit so relies heavily on imessage/facetime audio, which is why I am assuming she has asked me to contact her manager.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to not message her LM and fall out but at the same time I think this is just not really fair to put me in this position. I haven't been able to contact her all weekend, so have no way of getting a message to her to say I don't want to do this as messages aren't going through to phone, have tried to call but as its FT audio there is no VM function.

I could go to her house (which is a 15-20 minute drive) however I've no idea what this situation is and what I'd be walking into, or if she is even there.

AIBU

Yes - yes you are, contact manager
No - stay out of it

OP posts:
HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 27/11/2023 17:22

This ⬆️

GoldDuster · 27/11/2023 17:24

Don't do it, back away slowly. This is nothing to do with you and it's unreasonable of her to try to involve you in in this way. She needs to contact work herself, she can email her manager without needing to make a phone call if that's not possible.

Yes, she might have some things going on that are not her fault, but her job is her responsiblility, she can't outsource calling in sick unfortunately. You wouldn't actually be doing her a favour as it would reflect badly on both of you.

cakewench · 27/11/2023 17:24

Agree with those saying to pass the note along with a very specific comment along the lines of "I'm not sure why she's put this through my door, but I'm just letting you know."

If there's any response to you at all from the manager or HR, I'd just repeat that you don't know what's going on, you aren't close with this person, and you're aware that you aren't a next of kin who can actually make this call for this person. However, you didn't want to ignore the note, so you've let them know.

HR is a good place to bring it, I think.

HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 27/11/2023 17:24

Sorry that was meant to be in agreement with this @JadziaD :
JadziaD · Today 16:35

I think her behaviour is ridiculous and completely inappropriate and you have every right to be annoyed.

I'd probably pass on the message but I'd be very clear in how I did it, "Hello, I'm afraid I don't know why I've been asked to pass this on rather than friend contacting you directly, but this is what she put through my door today."

ichifanny · 27/11/2023 17:28

How do you even know if she wrote the note she could be in danger and could be her partner or someone else who has written the note .

MrsCarson · 27/11/2023 17:30

I'd lave a message for the manager saying that she left a note on your door asking this, and message her saying to not put you in this position again. She could take 2 minutes and contact her own manager, no excuses.

Beautiful3 · 27/11/2023 17:32

Think I'd take her note into work, and say that it was posted through your door? Don't get involved anymore.

Wouldyouguess · 27/11/2023 17:32

JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 16:42

She doesn't work Mondays so tomorrow is her first working day of the week.

I am completely in agreement with those who have said she could email or IM from her work laptop. This is what I am annoyed about there are plenty of ways for her to make contact without having to call. It feels more to me that she does not want the confrontation and not that she NEEDS me to do it.

A few people asked but you have not respended, are you actually sure she is safe? the fact she left a note and not voice messaged you is very worrying, maybe she got beaten up/has bruised face. Can you send police her way to make sure she is ok rather than being annoyed?

user1471447924 · 27/11/2023 17:33

This seems worrying to me? Are you sure she even wrote the note herself…? I’d be tempted to ask the police to conduct a welfare check.

OnlyFannys · 27/11/2023 17:35

I probably watch too much true crime but agree with the others that this is very concerning having not heard from her personally. It could be worth asking the police for a welfare check

SoddingWeddings · 27/11/2023 17:42

Keep far away from this. Call / text her and tell her you can't do that, they won't accept it from you.

You could signpost her to some very cheap SIM only deals, so she doesn't have to rely on affording phone credit to the same extent. - https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/cheap-mobile-finder/sim-only/

CrazyHedgehogLover · 27/11/2023 17:43

I would contact the non emergency number for the police and request they complete a welfare check tbh.. explain to the police that the note has been put through your door, she doesn’t usually communicate this way and the note seems off.. also explain to them you dont feel comfortable with handing the note into work until you know it was actually from her..

I wouldn’t be taking a note into work for someone else tbh, i wouldn’t have any actual proof that that person has actually wrote that note..

also in my workplace it’s protocol for the actual person to phone in sick themselves, chances of them accepting a note is very unlikely tbh..

Lookingatthesunset · 27/11/2023 17:44

Call her and ask wtf is going on!!

It would be a really shitty move to pretend you didn't see the note.

I would need to know why she has made this request because it's very very odd.

We (large public sector) are not allowed to text even; we have to phone personally unless it's a physical impossibility.

60PercentClub · 27/11/2023 17:44

Her behaviour makes no sense as it would be so much easier to email her own manager herself. Is she generally really chaotic and unreliable or is this a genuine one-off? Im a line manager in a large public sector organisation. One of the reasons staff are supposed to make contact themselves is because we have a duty of care to our employees, at a very basic level this is knowing why they arent at work and if theyre ok, this is taken pretty seriously where I work. I would email her manager making it clear you know this is not appropriate but you have not been able to contact her to tell her that.

margotrose · 27/11/2023 17:45

I find it odd that so many people are foccusing on OP calling in sick for her friend, and not on how utterly worrying the whole scenario is!

discombobulaty · 27/11/2023 17:48

Daphnis156 · 27/11/2023 16:28

Don't get involved.
Tell her you are unable to do this and she must ring in herself.

Didn't you read the original post?

Channellingsophistication · 27/11/2023 17:49

It’s an odd thing to do when she could call or email her manager to get time off. I’d be concerned that it could be a cry for help..?

BiscuitsandPuffin · 27/11/2023 17:54

This is so chaotic, I'd be phoning social services about the children if they're being kept off school and she's off work for "partner issues." If she doesn't have money for phone credit, how is she feeding them? I really think they need to be the ones centred in this whole thing.

pinkyredrose · 27/11/2023 18:00

What's the issue with her partner, is ha abusive?

Justcallmebebes · 27/11/2023 18:01

Does sound like she's pulling you into her drama

I'd pass on the message, this time, but explain you know v little and can't get hold of her, despite trying and then make it v clear to friend that I wouldn't be doing it again.

I can't see it going down v well for her with her LM tho

Original poster
JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 18:03

I haven’t responded as I have been to her house (husband said her car was there on way home from work ) to find an empty house.

problems with partner aren’t violence but think mounting debt may have caused him to act irrationally.

I do not live near friend so she has come out of way today to put note through door when she could have logged on to work laptop today to contact manager.

I’ve just spent an hour driving round town with my children and husband trying to find her to let her know, I can not act on her behalf, as she has not responded to email. Only way to contact her as phone isn’t delivering messages and no answer from phone. No voicemail.

very grumpy 3 year old as he’s now had a nap that we could do without this late in the day.

I have tried to be a good friend. So sorry I haven’t responded to messages but trying to sort this was my main priority.

I still now have no idea what to do and whether I should say to her LM tomorrow. However I think it will raise safeguarding concerns and just make things worse. U do not want to be in the middle of this

OP posts:
user1471447924 · 27/11/2023 18:06

You definitely need to contact the police, this all sounds very strange, especially since she’s spoken of family problems previously and doesn’t usually have in this way. I’d personally be more worried than annoyed now.

Bananaman123 · 27/11/2023 18:09

I would just pass on the message and leave it up to her manager to contact her.

Dibbydoos · 27/11/2023 18:11

Are you sure the message was from her? Ie was it her handwriting?

I'm thinking all bad things here and hoping she's ok and she's not even my friend.

I hope you let work know she has a family issue and can't be in work but you don't know the details. She'll probably get into trouble because she is supposed to let them know, more likely than not by phone, but at least they will know she's not AWOL.

I also hope the note was from her...

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/11/2023 18:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request