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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked me to contact manager and let them know she will be off work.

151 replies

JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 16:24

Basically, I made friends with a girl at a former job.

I moved on to a new role in a different organisation and a few months later, she started in a completely different department at the same organisation. Our roles do not cross over I do not know her colleagues at all. This is a very big public sector organisation where we mainly WFH.

Her life has been a bit of a rollercoaster for a while and I am trying to help her through this. Lots of issues with her partner. We speak most days but this weekend it was radio silence, I knew something was up.

Came home from school run to a note through the door saying she is fine and so are the children, however partner is not. Tomorrow can I contact her manager and tell her she won't be in for a couple days as she has family issues.

I understand this needs to be her focus but this makes me really awkward . I am not her next of kin or family, if her line manager has questions I would be unable to answer as I have no idea when she will be back or what has even happened - she started less than a month ago and has not even had a pay day yet. I am also in probation as a new starter (although further into mine) and whilst I don't think I'd get in trouble for it I don't like the impression it would give to my manager if she thought I thought this was an acceptable way to contact a manager.

My friend is terrible with her phone, rarely ever has credit so relies heavily on imessage/facetime audio, which is why I am assuming she has asked me to contact her manager.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to not message her LM and fall out but at the same time I think this is just not really fair to put me in this position. I haven't been able to contact her all weekend, so have no way of getting a message to her to say I don't want to do this as messages aren't going through to phone, have tried to call but as its FT audio there is no VM function.

I could go to her house (which is a 15-20 minute drive) however I've no idea what this situation is and what I'd be walking into, or if she is even there.

AIBU

Yes - yes you are, contact manager
No - stay out of it

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 27/11/2023 18:16

I see why you’re cautious but I think you can pass on the message in a very factual way (i.e. “I got a note through my door asking me to inform you…” and probably give them the note while you’re at it, unless it has other stuff on it that’s not for sharing) without it being in any way negative for you at work.

I’d do it not so much for the friend (though why, if you’re prepared to help her with what sound like messy personal problems, you’d baulk at this, I’m unclear), but because leaving your work hanging wondering whether she’s going to turn up seems a bit unprofessional if you’re in a position to keep them informed.

Time enough to point out she should just email next time and it’s not really a good to ask you to do it, when you can sit down with her over a cup of tea again, by which time work will probably already have made the point.

JVC24601 · 27/11/2023 18:17

Raising safeguarding concerns doesn’t make it worse- the safety of her and the children are a serious concern, surely you realise that?!

I’d be contacting the police with all the information you have, and I would send a photo of the note to HR explaining.

Safeguarding concerns are EXACTLY the situation now.

Throckmorton · 27/11/2023 18:18

Definitely contact the police!

Astrid01 · 27/11/2023 18:18

As a manager, I would appreciate the message as I would immediately start trying to contact her to find out what is going in. It would also mean that she couldn't claim she forgot/ was too unwell to call first thing so would help with addressing the issue as she clearly needs some help.
If you say the message as posted earlier, that you got a note through the letterbox, I wouldn't think badly of you.
If you're unsure, could you ask your manager for help?

Eleganz · 27/11/2023 18:19

Agree with other suggesting contacting police for a welfare check.

Most sick leave policies I've seen require the individual to make contact directly. For example my work has an absence line that you must phone yourself to register and absence. Only in exceptional circumstances would someone else be allowed to call in for you (i.e. you aren't capable of doing so yourself).

However there are some concerns here for this colleague'm welfare. You could therefore let her manager (copying in your own line manager) know what has happened, that she pushed a note through your door requesting you to contact the manager, you didn't speak to her or see her, that you have tried and failed to get in touch, etc. this is not phoning in sick for her but it is letting someone at work know that a colleague has contacted you and that you are concerned for their welfare as a result.

HerRoyalNotness · 27/11/2023 18:20

I’ve done it for my colleague. It’s really not a big deal, just pass on the message

EasternStandard · 27/11/2023 18:21

Yanbu they need to do it

Differentstarts · 27/11/2023 18:23

My work would not be OK with this iv rang in sick many times from a hospital bed but it's always been me. Unless she's in coma she needs to ring in herself. If it's really not possible because of no credit on her phone maybe you could ring manager and ask them to call her but not say why, but it's still not going to look great

Original poster
JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 18:23

Note is definitely her. She has form for this kind of chaos. I understand all your concern but this has been the theme of her life since I’ve known her, from what she’s said her family life etc was similar. There is lots of chaos and trauma.

Her Daughter was leaving with who I assume to be her aunt when I got to the house but they had gone when I had parked. So know the children are ok. The time she would of dropped the note of would of been.

I appreciate the sim info but I’ve already got her a pay and go sim as her contract phone had been cut off and I was concerned how school would contact her if needed. She doesn’t have social media doesn’t like any of that so there is no FB etc. At one point emails was the only way I could contact her. Our old work gave her a phone because hers was completely smashed up. The internet gets cut off regularly. I gave her a food parcel last week as I was concerned if they were eating.

OP posts:
Topee · 27/11/2023 18:24

I don’t see the problem with passing the message on. Just tell it how it is, you came home to a note, you know it’s not the appropriate way to deal with things but you’re passing the message on as asked.

She may well not be thinking logically and sometimes desperate people do things that don’t make sense.

Farmageddon · 27/11/2023 18:27

Like pp have said, you could deliver the message to work by just saying 'I received a note in my door asking me to pass on this message', but don't get roped into the whys of it all or try to explain more. They will understand that you have been put in a difficult position.

As for the friendship, I would take a step back, this is more drama than you need tbh.

Haffdonga · 27/11/2023 18:27

You would not be doing anything wrong in terms of your own contract by passing on her message exactly as it is without excuses or explanation.
Dear Manager
I have received a note from x delivered to my home address on date that I am passing on to you. I have no further information. She says bla bla ....
I have not been able to make any further contact with her.
Regards

Original poster
JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 18:30

Time would have dropped the note of would have been school run. So assume she was out doing that.

OP posts:
CompanyisComing · 27/11/2023 18:30

I would pass on the message to the appropriate person - “I realise that this is inappropriate and goes against the policy but I’m not sure what else to do; Sophie posted this note through my door and I’ve been unable to contact her further since receiving it, so I’m letting you know as much as I know, and would prefer to have no further involvement with it”.

margotrose · 27/11/2023 18:32

I would e-mail a copy of the note over saying it was put through your door but that you don't have any further details.

Leave it for her manager to deal with after that.

OhNoOhNo · 27/11/2023 18:34

It's not your responsibility, but I would let her manager know.

Task avoidance is a symptom of my diagnosed ADHD. I have a professional career but still have had my husband call my workplace when I've had to take rare time off work in an emergency.

Now I'm senior enough to send an email or text but I have never forgotten the anxiety of making that call.

Littlebrownshoes · 27/11/2023 18:36

She managed to travel 15-20 minutes to your house to deliver a note and she can't manage to make a 1 minute phone call? This is all sorts of strange. I also think the content of the note is suspect.

Can you not call her? Do you have any reason to think she could be at risk of harm?

BetterWithPockets · 27/11/2023 18:37

As some others have said, I’d let her LM know in this instance, while making it clear that you don’t know the details and are only doing so because you received a note through your door asking you to do so. I’d also tell your friend you won’t be doing it in future. What a horrible position to be put in!

Dotcheck · 27/11/2023 18:38

TrashedSofa · 27/11/2023 16:30

I think I wouldn't have ever got the note, if asked.

No- this is immature and cowardly. Don’t do this op

WorkSmarter · 27/11/2023 18:39

I would pass on the message as it's likely she has more sh*t to deal with so do her a favour!

Catza · 27/11/2023 18:45

To be perfectly honest, I am not sure how much of a difference speaking to her manager would make. She is on probation and she is not following sickness procedures, she is not going to pass that probation. So in effect, letting them know and not letting them know will produce the exact same outcome.

Mystero · 27/11/2023 18:45

I would just pass the message verbatim. Tell her you will do so, but warn her the manager may not accept it from a 3rd party and she would be much safer doing it herself too.

Then don't get involved any further. Do not answer questions from her manager or do any digging. Once you've passed the message on it's between her and her manager.

Boysnme · 27/11/2023 18:47

What a situation to be in OP.

if it were me I would email / text / however you can contact her to tell her that it is her responsibility to let her boss know she is off sick and that she needs to do so. Don’t tell her you won’t tell them but equally don’t tell her you will.

I’d then email her manager and state that you have received a note from her asking you to let them know she is off sick. Tell them you have informed her she needs to follow correct procedures however you felt you had a duty of care to still tell the manager.

lf I were the manager I’d say thank you for letting me know, not mention it again to you and deal with it directly with her.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 27/11/2023 18:49

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/11/2023 16:26

I would pass on the message and leave it there.

Same. I wouldn't contact HR as you've been advised, pass on the message and then its between her and the manager.

LakeTiticaca · 27/11/2023 18:49

Keep out of it. Unless a person is incapacitated its their responsibility to call in sick . Depending upon company policy she might not get paid if she gets someone else to do her dirty work

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