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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked me to contact manager and let them know she will be off work.

151 replies

JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 16:24

Basically, I made friends with a girl at a former job.

I moved on to a new role in a different organisation and a few months later, she started in a completely different department at the same organisation. Our roles do not cross over I do not know her colleagues at all. This is a very big public sector organisation where we mainly WFH.

Her life has been a bit of a rollercoaster for a while and I am trying to help her through this. Lots of issues with her partner. We speak most days but this weekend it was radio silence, I knew something was up.

Came home from school run to a note through the door saying she is fine and so are the children, however partner is not. Tomorrow can I contact her manager and tell her she won't be in for a couple days as she has family issues.

I understand this needs to be her focus but this makes me really awkward . I am not her next of kin or family, if her line manager has questions I would be unable to answer as I have no idea when she will be back or what has even happened - she started less than a month ago and has not even had a pay day yet. I am also in probation as a new starter (although further into mine) and whilst I don't think I'd get in trouble for it I don't like the impression it would give to my manager if she thought I thought this was an acceptable way to contact a manager.

My friend is terrible with her phone, rarely ever has credit so relies heavily on imessage/facetime audio, which is why I am assuming she has asked me to contact her manager.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to not message her LM and fall out but at the same time I think this is just not really fair to put me in this position. I haven't been able to contact her all weekend, so have no way of getting a message to her to say I don't want to do this as messages aren't going through to phone, have tried to call but as its FT audio there is no VM function.

I could go to her house (which is a 15-20 minute drive) however I've no idea what this situation is and what I'd be walking into, or if she is even there.

AIBU

Yes - yes you are, contact manager
No - stay out of it

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 16:42

She doesn't work Mondays so tomorrow is her first working day of the week.

I am completely in agreement with those who have said she could email or IM from her work laptop. This is what I am annoyed about there are plenty of ways for her to make contact without having to call. It feels more to me that she does not want the confrontation and not that she NEEDS me to do it.

OP posts:
Verv · 27/11/2023 16:44

@JackMummy12 This woman seems chaotic. No credit, rowing with partner, calling in sick, it all sounds very dramatic.
Honestly, pretend you haven't seen the note.
If you work, and are reliable, don't let someone else's chaos be associated with your name professionally.
If you do it this time, she will be at you to do it every time.

Frogmarch89 · 27/11/2023 16:44

JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 16:42

She doesn't work Mondays so tomorrow is her first working day of the week.

I am completely in agreement with those who have said she could email or IM from her work laptop. This is what I am annoyed about there are plenty of ways for her to make contact without having to call. It feels more to me that she does not want the confrontation and not that she NEEDS me to do it.

I work in a large pubic sector department as well. What I would do is email the manager with a photo of the note. Emphasise that you have no more information and are unsure why she has asked you to contact them.

SnowflakeSparkles · 27/11/2023 16:44

JackMummy12 · 27/11/2023 16:42

She doesn't work Mondays so tomorrow is her first working day of the week.

I am completely in agreement with those who have said she could email or IM from her work laptop. This is what I am annoyed about there are plenty of ways for her to make contact without having to call. It feels more to me that she does not want the confrontation and not that she NEEDS me to do it.

Sorry OP, that sounds really stressful. I genuinely would be stuck too with all the different possibilities of what's going on and not know what to do for the best.

Is it possible to send her a message feigning ignorance with a breezy, "oh don't worry if your phone isn't working, you can log in and skype/teams/email manager so I'll let you do that as they'll probably want to check you're okay anyway" type message?

Wakeywake · 27/11/2023 16:46

Just say you were asked to pass on the message and have no further information. It won't reflect badly on you. She, on the other hand, is in line for a disciplinary.

redalex261 · 27/11/2023 16:49

If it is public sector I would contact manager let them know about message and leave it at that. No-one would think badly on you for doing this and will have absolutely no impact on you. They may have to trail to her house to do a safeguarding visit if they can’t get hold of her or next of kin. She is breeching her contract by not contacting line manager herself and it generally a disciplinary matter to fail to contact in person without good reason (think coma, held hostage!😬). She is likely to fail to get through probationary period with this kind of behaviour - major red flag in first month of employment.

margotrose · 27/11/2023 16:51

I'd be more concerned that she is not okay. Can you go and see her or at least speak to her before doing anything?

The note sounds really odd and is screaming "red flag" to me.

CatamaranViper · 27/11/2023 16:53

As a manager I wouldn't accept a random person calling in sick for an employee.

SnowflakeSparkles · 27/11/2023 16:57

CatamaranViper · 27/11/2023 16:53

As a manager I wouldn't accept a random person calling in sick for an employee.

This too. It's presumptuous of her to even assume that what she's asking you to do would be accepted.

I would do everything I can think of to get hold of her and communicate this to her too and then I guess I would pass the message on in the morning and I would have to say in the email "I don't think can qualify as absence reporting but I feel it would be remiss to not pass on this message that I have received from x" or something along those lines?

LoveStHelier · 27/11/2023 16:58

Do not do it. The next thing you know they are contacting you and you are in the middle of everything. No good deed goes unpunished

MarryingMrDarcy · 27/11/2023 16:59

I like the suggestion from a PP of taking a photo of the note, sending to her manager/HR and then telling them that’s all you know. That way you’ve done what she asked but also they can take forward any welfare checking etc given how she has chosen to inform them/you. Plus you’ve not had to have an awkward phonecall to explain, just sent them the info you have access to and leave it at that.

Frogmarch89 · 27/11/2023 17:00

LoveStHelier · 27/11/2023 16:58

Do not do it. The next thing you know they are contacting you and you are in the middle of everything. No good deed goes unpunished

The only issue I see with this is that if the manager doesn't hear from her tomorrow and can't get hold of her on the phone then they will probably have to visit the house and do a welfare check. I think it would be best for them to have all the available information before they go to that house.

Citrusandginger · 27/11/2023 17:03

SnowflakeSparkles · 27/11/2023 16:31

A note through your door saying her and kids are fine and partner is not?

Fuck phoning the manager I'd be phoning the police.

Seriously though I would insist on getting hold of her and I would send her a message saying you are really worried and can she please phone you first so you can hear her voice. Tell her you won't send the message to work until you speak to her, whether you plan to actually pass on the message or not.

FWIW in the event everything is fine, surely it will be her this situation reflects badly on and not you.

I was just thinking this.

PennyNotWise · 27/11/2023 17:03

On the off chance that something bad has happened, like she’s fleeing domestic violence, I would feel really bad if I didn’t pass on the message. was she coming to you for help but you weren’t in so she left a note?
If she’s a pain in the bum her work probably already know.
Then maybe distance yourself if you’re worried about being seen to know her, and don’t want to get pulled into her drama.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/11/2023 17:03

MarryingMrDarcy · 27/11/2023 16:59

I like the suggestion from a PP of taking a photo of the note, sending to her manager/HR and then telling them that’s all you know. That way you’ve done what she asked but also they can take forward any welfare checking etc given how she has chosen to inform them/you. Plus you’ve not had to have an awkward phonecall to explain, just sent them the info you have access to and leave it at that.

I think this is a good idea actually. It’s likely in your policy that she needs to phone her manager herself, so she will have some explaining to do, but you have done your bit and off the hook (and make sure she knows you won’t do it again - assuming she keeps the job that is,,)

N27 · 27/11/2023 17:07

If you haven’t seen or spoken to her, are you sure the note was definitely from her? Could she be in trouble and her partners wrote it? Does he know where you live?

Blink1880 · 27/11/2023 17:09

I think it’s very likely that if you contact her line manager (in whatever way) rather than her, that she’s very likely to lose her job.

If she does it - with a proper explanation- she may be ok, but with less than four weeks service - a random friend isn’t going to cut it.

she had time to drive to your house and put a note through your door - she could have stopped at a phone box and rang her line manager.

IndecentFeminist · 27/11/2023 17:09

I would be honest. Message her and say you don't think it works that way. Take it to her manager and say that you found the note through your door, and you don't know anything else.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2023 17:10

I would contact the manager and say “I’ve had this message. It’s nothing to do with me and I know nothing more. I realise this isn’t appropriate but as I’ve been asked to pass on the message I thought I should.”

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2023 17:11

I also think it might be worth contacting the police and saying you’re concerned

3luckystars · 27/11/2023 17:14

Do not involve your self with this.

Say you are not allowed to
call in sick for another person, sorry she will have to do it herself. Say in capital letters ‘NOT ALLOWED’ wish I could help and hope you are ok but I can’t ring in sick, they will not accept it.

timetochangethering · 27/11/2023 17:14

I would check your work policy on absence, our states that the person must phone their line manager before the time they are normally due to start on the day they will be absent. There would have to be a very good reason not to call, and for it not to be their line manager.

For example a guy working for me had to have an emergency operation - his partner called me, fine.

Another lady was off with stress, she text me, fine. But I wouldn't have been impressed if she had texted another member of staff an asked them to contact me.

Personally I would pass her manager the note and say "I know this isn't normal practice/in line with policy but she put this through my door and I can't contact her and I thought it best to leave it with you."

Candleabra · 27/11/2023 17:15

I agree with contacting the police. She may not have written the note. Or it may be a cry for help. It is bizarre (at best) to expect you to message her work if she has a mobile and laptop. I think a welfare check for her and the children is required.

Butchyrestingface · 27/11/2023 17:16

What a shame your cat ate/puked all over that note before you arrived home.

NotLoud1 · 27/11/2023 17:18

Wouldn’t get involved. Would deny all knowledge of any note