to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

This.

The ex has ASSUMED the SM will take up the slack with the childcare.

Taking the daughter to the hobby, with two much younger kids is just the icing on the cake. Its totally different to just taking her own daughter to the hobby and hanging around. The OP has to drop AND amuse her own two kids the entire time including a two year old. Its just not feasible.

You are not free childcare just because you are apparently 'available' when shes not without discussion on a permenant basis - fine in an emergency - but no as a default without discussion because its convenient for her.

If you say yes, she'll dump on you again and that might restrict your opportunities and freedom in future.

If there had been a discussion in advance, which you had been party to, it might be different. But she's deliberately put you in this position to guilt you into doing it, rather than her sorting out proper childcare and for someone to take her to the hobby. Thats not on because thats taking advantage and dumping rather than having respect for you AND her daughter.

He’s working. How can he be the childcare?

This is a problem for DH and his ex to solve without your involvement. His ex made a false assumption without talking your DH or you (although it should have been through DH not directly to you anyway). They need to solve it between them because it's a no from you. Especially with 2 preschoolers but also even without. My friend is a step mum with no children and it's a complete no from her to do this with her DH's DC because she doesn't want to. Which is absolutely fair enough.

If he can’t be the childcare he needs to sort out an alternative. He’s the child’s parent, he can’t just wash his hands of it.

Surely it’s for the child’s mother to sort out as it’s her contact time and she’s the one making the change?

Even he needs to be talked to BEFORE being dumped on though.

That's the issue - the lack of communication with the assumption by the mother that the step mother will suck it up so she doesn't need to discuss.

Exactly. There is a Contact arrangement in place whereby the father has his daughter from 4pm Saturday one week and on Sundays the next. If the child’s mum decides to now work Saturdays, she has to find childcare on Saturdays-she can’t decide on her own to completely change the childcare agreement.

@Frey11 What have you said to the mum? When does the new job start?

Just say no. I'd suggest that this Saturday, you get up early and take your two kids out for the day, just to make the point!

If you ask yourself what you’d do in this situation… it wouldn’t be ‘I’ll just take the job and who cares who’ll be looking after DD’

Either the mum is in the wrong for unilaterally deciding. Or the DH is lying about having just said yes on the assumption that it can just be the OP’s problem.

If the latter it’s much worse.

The child's parents are being ridiculous. They can't both work Saturdays if they have a child who needs care on a Saturday.

He can push back if there’s been a longstanding contact arrangement and his ex now wants to change things. These kind of changes need to be negotiated.

The ex doesn’t just get to decide she wants to change and make it his problem to solve.

A wise friend of mine always says you should start as you mean to go on, it would be good advice for you Op. If you let your DH push this onto you now he and his ex will expect you to do it ever after. You'll have to be responsible for your DSD most of the day, if the matches are in the middle of the day you won't be able to take your own DC for a day out, it will rule out birthday parties or play dates or even a day out for yourself. If his ex had asked before taking the job you could have worked something out but it's not fair to presume, either on her part of your DHs

No it's the SD's parents issue! But not OPs!

Not your child, not your problem. The mum has decided to work during her contact time so SHE needs to find childcare. Not your DH and certainly not you!

Also true of the mum.
It's her time with the DC and if she wants to work during it then she needs to arrange childcare. She can't just wash her hands of it.

Yanbu at all. It would eat in to all of your Saturdays and would pretty much dominate the day. It’s a huge commitment and huge chunk of your time and as a stepmum it’s not on you to do.

However much a PITA weeken matches are on your own, they would be a totally different ball game with two small children to entertain. I can't imagine the stress of it, well I can and it would be horrendous to face regularly.

Also as others point out, your childrens natural social development and opportunities to develop would be hugely hampered as you would never be available for anything for the season.

Some matches with travelling are 4+ hours.

I just wouldn't do it to my young children.
Not fair.

If your partner pushes this, there will be no greater indicator of him being a dud that doesn't give a toss about you or your children.

Absolutely this!

Although given you work yourself during the week and have 2 small DCs, it's completely unreasonable anyone is asking this of you. This is your time to do stuff with your own DCs & just relax and have some downtime (& no doubt catch up on your own chores!)

The girl's parents need to sort other arrangements for her or she doesn't go.

As a coach of teams for years this kind of thing makes me so angry. It's not the childs fault that both parents decide to work on a Sat.. get the child a car share but her actual parents need to support her on match day sometimes

I see grandparents down on the pitch, they really enjoy it. Meanwhile I absolutely froze.

Not your child, not your problem. You have your own children to think of. I have a 2 year old and a 6 week old and I certainly wouldn't be having them out in all weather for someone else kid.

No, you shouldn’t do it. If your own children were teenagers (or if you didn’t have your own kids) I’d maybe say ok every other week.

When DS1 wanted to play in a Sunday football league I explained to DH that he has to cover it every week so I could look after DD and DS2 (who was a baby/toddler).

I think the answer here is sorry I can’t do it, even if it was your child it wouldn’t be fair on the little ones to commit to this, so the answer would be; if DH works we don’t have the family resource to manage a weekend sport.

Is @Frey11 coming back? How’s it going OP? Have the child’s actual parents arranged to facilitate their DDs attendance at her sport?

Not read rhe full thread so apologies if I've missed something but is there any scope for her to get lifts with any of her friends who do the same hobby/activity?

This isn't OPs problem to sort. She doesn't need to try and do a rota with anyone.