to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

Lifelong resentment goes both ways...how many parties will OP's children miss whilst watching their SS play? My children hated having to wait whilst one of them was at an activity.

I still resent a Saturday waiting in A&E (for five hours) whilst my stupid bother was treated with a broken arm.....you know 35 years ago 😂

It’s just ridiculous.

Emotive threats of lifelong resentment to tell the OP that she must do it.

Or that the DH should simply pay more maintenance too.

How about the mother recognises that she is letting her daughter down. She’s the one that decided to get a job working on a Saturday knowing that she’s supposed to have her daughter.

No amount of ‘oh but…’ changes that. If she wanted to discuss changing the contact arrangements, she should have done that before taking a job that meant she couldn’t fulfil her responsibilities within the arrangement.

This isn’t even about the hobby. The mum seems to have no childcare plan for Saturdays regardless of whether SD goes to the hobby. If DH doesn’t collect her until 4, then the mum needs to make arrangements for her to be looked after???

It’s incredible really.

I cannot imagine committing to something like this without already having a clear plan for who would be looking after my children.

‘my ex’s wife will just have to do it’ is not a plan.

Reason No. 2,843 that I wouldn't advise having kids with a man who already is a parent. The first daughter must feel like a nuisance to both her parents.

Absolutely. I always said I wouldn’t entertain the idea and being a stepparent was difficult enough without younger children. It’s really sad because it’s always the older child or children who suffer. I put myself out to do stuff I really didn’t want to for that reason but it was relatively easy because the only person it affected was me. I feel desperately sorry for kids whose parents have more children with subsequent partners.

@UnremarkableBeasts

oh but....OP hasn't stated they have a contact order...It's an odd set up, which seems to be focused on dads shift.

So what if mum has been accommodating him when he should have the Sat?

There's always an "oh but"

I feel desperately sorry for kids whose parents have more children with subsequent partners
That's quite the statement.
My DSD is in almost exactly the position of OPs DSD (except my DH doesn't work weekends) and she has actively asked if/when I can have another baby! So it can't be that bad, and she seems to absolutely love and adore her brothers even without me swinging in to pretend to be another Mummy to her. So don't you be feeling sorry for her because two little boys she loves also exist.

Doesnt look like OP’s coming back which is valid as she’s got an overwhelming YANBU. What her husband and his ex do about his ex deciding to work on her contact time is their problem.

No way she has 2 parents already - they need to sort her care. How cheeky!

You don’t need a child arrangements order to have agree a clear and definite contact schedule.

If you know that you have contact every Saturday til 4, you organise your life accordingly.

If you need to make a change to that schedule, you agree that change - even just in principle - with the child’s other parent. You don’t just take a job and say ‘can’t have DD in a Saturday’.

This was my first thought, too.

They wouldn't both be working Saturday if they were still together, as one would have to sort their child out. They still need to sort their child out amongst themselves. It is NOT OP's responsibility to do so.

Why should op have to?? It’s the biological mum’s problem if she took a job knowing it would mean she works Saturdays knowing full well her daughter takes part in a particular hobby where one of the days happens to be on Saturdays. It’s up to the parent to sort it. Either the parents have to sort it or tell the child they can no longer go.

Sounds like one of them needs to change their working hours. If you have a dependent child then it doesn't make sense for both parents to be working Saturdays. Doesn't matter if they're still together or not.

I would not sort this out for them. She shouldn't have taken a new job without discussing this first.

I guess worst case of a court determines contact and I'd assume they would just decide on every other Saturday.

@UnremarkableBeasts I had a contact order it stated dad would have Friday 3.30 - Sunday6pm. I still picked them up from school because he couldn't.

Maybe they do have a schedule but dad couldn't do the Sat as he changed his job at some point. Maybe mum said "oh I will have her until 4 then" There's not enough detail from the OP.

I wondered if perhaps DSD is old enough to be left for a few hours, but not old enough to be able to reliably get herself to all the matches. Hence OP framing it as the hobby rather than childcare that she's been asked to take on, and another reason why there's no reason to think she'll 'end up' having to look after DSD anyway.

It's the mum's problem to resolve, stand firm.

@skyeisthelimit

You need to stand your ground and he needs to sort it out. If they are both working then DD comes to you, but doesn't do her thing any more. They need to take the blame for this, not you.

No, just no. The matches are merely a complicating factor. If they're dropped it still isn't OP's obligation to provide unpaid childcare for the two CF parents. She's stated quite clearly she needs her Saturdays at her own disposition to freely plan activities with her own DC. (The same would apply if she were childfree.)

That aside, how refreshing to see an AIBU that doesn't cone down to collective stepmum-bashing. An outbreak of collective kindness or is the DSC mum in this case just a little bit too batshit?

Sorry was typing too fast and not being clear.
I think it is reasonable for the DH to take some responsibility for this hobby going forward. It seems unfair that ex mum has had to take it on every week until now.
And if OP has agreed that DH should work every Sat then it could be reasonable for her to sort out every other Sat. It's not reasonable for her to take on every week !

All I need to hear is that it isn't her child and the child has two parents.

Not your problem. She has two parents let them sort it. Don't be emotionally blackmailed.

What if the DH worked Saturdays when he was still with ex and still works Saturdays now? Some jobs require weekend work if the OP agrees to it or not, so if that’s the case then OP doesn’t need to sort out every other Saturday.

The mum is entirely in the wrong knowing her ex works Saturdays and taking a job working Saturdays thinking OP is the default child care.

Yes ex is unreasonable to take this job and to assume OP would shoulder childcare but I also think it's unreasonable for DH to leave ex to do all the schlepping for his hobby which is clearly important to DSD.
We don't know the exact contact arrangements but having the DSD every other weekend is not unusual and it looks like DH has just avoided having to deal with the Saturday hobby because of his job. The ex may desperately need this money, she may not have much choice and I don't think she should have to deal with every single Saturday on her own. So I am suggesting DH "owns" one Saturday to solve. He then has a discussion with OP to say .. do you agree to take this on so I can continue working or shall I reduce hours at work and we have less income. They decided as a family what to do.
It's also perfectly normal in both blended families and non blended that small DC have to tag along to watch older DC at hobbies .. that happens in plenty of families!

Her parents need to sort this out between them.
They are her parents.
Id leave this with your db to sort out with his ex.

So nice to read a thread where people aren't telling the step-mum OP that 'you knew you had kids when you married him, you have to do this because you're a team.'

The mum is entirely in the wrong knowing her ex works Saturdays and taking a job working Saturdays thinking OP is the default child care.

If indeed that’s what’s happened. How about her thinking the child’s father is the default childcare?