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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give up my Saturdays?

593 replies

Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:07

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 28/11/2023 15:08

As PP suggested, is there a retired grandparent who can help? Maybe OP could be one of a pool of people out of grandparents, friends, aunties etc that DSDs mum and dad ask. But it's their responsibility to sort this each week, and if OP is doing it too much, she simply stops, like anyone else being taken for granted with favours would.

sparkellie · 28/11/2023 15:17

This absolutely is not your problem to sort. You should not have to arrange all your weekend plans around your SDs hobby. That is for her parents to do - and neither of them seem to want to.
The mum shouldn't have made a commitment without a discussion with the dad. However, who should be looking after the daughter on the Sat, to me would depend on the current arrangements. How much contact time does your husband have with his daughter? How much maintenance doea he pay to support her? Because it isn't OK for him to be expecting his ex to be responsible for their child 90% of the time. She should be able to work and make a life for herself and the child too.

Elly46 · 28/11/2023 15:18

As pp said, can you go alternate Saturdays, every other. Even every third would be fair as it’s not your issue thst her mum decided to take a Saturday job. That’s a lot of commitment for them to put on you. The fact you have 2 other preschool children is enough to justify actually not having the time to do this. Stick to your guns here they’re being unfair

Blankscreen · 28/11/2023 15:38

No way. It won't be appreciated and you will be taken for granted. You will be the one with two wingeing kids in tow. Thanks but no thanks.

Even if she isn't at the match who is going to look after you SD as both parents are at work now on a Saturday??

I suppose the mum can argue that she has done the Saturdays for years and it is now you DH's turn.... But she really should have had a discussion before presenting it asba done deal.

If you are to look after your SD then they should both appreciate that but it might be that you SD has to stop the hobby.

Redebs · 28/11/2023 15:40

Your husband needs to decide if he's going to change his work hours to have her on Saturdays.

It's between the two parents to work out between them.

Was it the mother or your husband who thought it would be ok to have you take care of the girl? Just wondering...

ButterCrackers · 28/11/2023 15:45

The mother and the father of the child need to sort this out. Tell them that this is nothing to do with you and that you won’t be taking the child. Does the mother have family she can ask?

ButterCrackers · 28/11/2023 15:48

To add in who is expected to look after said child on Saturday? Is it you? Absolutely say no to that. The mother and father could also pay a babysitter.

KombuchaKalling · 28/11/2023 16:05

No, it’s way too tying. One of her parents can take her. Impressively arrogant and entitled for her mother to assume you would do it every week

IndysMamaRex · 28/11/2023 16:18

So you’d be expected to have the 3 kids on your own every Saturday & ferry SC to & from activity?! NOPE.

Sounds like a problem for your partner & ex to sort out between them. Not for you to be run ragged ever weekend for their lack of childcare.

CarrotCake01 · 28/11/2023 16:24

I thought you were going to say that you didn't like your husband was spending his Saturdays with his daughter and I was ready to say I thought it was fair enough that he took her to her hobby every other weekend!

Given what you've described, no I don't personally think you're being unreasonable. It's understandable that you want to spend that time with your younger children or friends etc. Not suggesting that she isn't part of your family of course, but you have a life too and the agreement was for you to have SD every other week. That frees up the other Saturdays for your other children to get play dates or visit family etc.

I think the mum should have checked before agreeing to work Saturdays. Is there a local friend that does the same activity that could lift share maybe?

PoppyOrange · 28/11/2023 16:25

Step mother providing unpaid childcare for parents yet again.

Namerequired · 28/11/2023 16:31

Yanbu, I hope your dp is accepting of it. Their mum should have made arrangements before changing her job if it’s a time she normally has her. Do they have a back up?

notameangirlhun · 28/11/2023 16:49

Isn’t that exactly what the OP’s DH has been doing? His work schedule means he parents his child very little and I’m imagining the mum just has to get on with it.

BIossomtoes · 28/11/2023 17:01

notameangirlhun · 28/11/2023 16:49

Isn’t that exactly what the OP’s DH has been doing? His work schedule means he parents his child very little and I’m imagining the mum just has to get on with it.

Exactly.

TeaGinandFags · 28/11/2023 17:06

You've been blind sided with a fait acompli so you need to stand firm. You have no rights over the girl so you equally have no obligations. I feel that the lack of notice is not an accident.

Ask DH what he and his ex would do if you'd never met or if you broke up? Tell him to do that. Unfortunately, the girl's sport will effectively take up the whole of Saturday and if you do it once you'll be lumbered.

You are being asked because you were the one and only candidate. DH and his ex need to put more names onto the hat.

Juststopamoment · 28/11/2023 17:51

Any of the mother’s family around to help?

notameangirlhun · 28/11/2023 17:56

KombuchaKalling · 28/11/2023 16:05

No, it’s way too tying. One of her parents can take her. Impressively arrogant and entitled for her mother to assume you would do it every week

I agree.

It is arrogant of the mother to assume you would do it OP.

I also think it is arrogant of your DH to leave 12 days a fortnight of childcare to his ex.

I’d guarantee that he didn’t run his work schedule by his ex before deciding to parent so little.

Your DSD has two parents. They both have the responsibility to provide childcare for her, including taking her to her hobbies.

I cannot believe so many posters are piling on the mum when OP’s DH takes so little responsibility for his child.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 28/11/2023 17:56

I am assuming that as the mum and dad work on Saturdays, they have an alternative day off? Whereas you have Saturdays as your day off and they expect you to give up your day off?

Definitely don’t do it. Maybe if the three of you were alternating the Saturdays, but not if it’s just you.

Pumpkinpie1 · 28/11/2023 18:10

OP this is not your problem to solve.
Your H Ex decided to no longer support her daughters hobby by getting a new job that made it impossible for her child to go
She KNEW her Ex H worked Saturdays

Dont be manipulated or guilted into thus

Sennelier1 · 28/11/2023 18:27

You SC's mom made a decision, that same person will have to resolve the problem of her daughter's sportsclub. She could ask a friend or neighbour or a familymember to do that task.. you and your husband are only respinsible for the other week-end.

socks1107 · 28/11/2023 18:31

Absolutely not. It's her parents issue to sort and mum shouldn't have taken a job until she'd asked.

Aimvs123 · 28/11/2023 18:34

Why is not the Dads problem to solve too? Really don’t understand that, he only has her twice a week so the ex needs to work too.. I don’t think it’s the Step-mums responsibility but definitely doesn’t absolve the father.

Kimonokweenie · 28/11/2023 18:36

You are not being unreasonable

put your children first - I think you know that taking them to watch a hobby they don’t participate in every weekend is not putting them first.

honeylulu · 28/11/2023 18:40

No don't do it! She has two parents who can jointly make arrangements and the arrangements aren't you! Sounds like they both assumed you would do it, cheeky fuckers.

Even if you offered to "be kind" and do one Saturday a month I bet you'd just get leant on to do another and another... no good deed goes unpunished!

Then it would be horrendous. Imagine if you're ill, or one of your toddlers is ill but you're still expected to do it because there's no one else. Or one of your kids is invited to a birthday party? Or wants to start their own activity class in due course? Just. Say. No.

mamamamamamamamamamachameleon · 28/11/2023 18:42

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/11/2023 12:12

That you have children of your own who need time with their mum at weekends is all I need to hear.

It's down to SD's TWO parents to sort this out.

This