to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

The OP said that the Dad picked her up at 4pm every second Saturday but a later post clarified that the Mum takes her to and from the match and she is collected at 4pm from the Mum’s house. The Mum takes her to the match.

I think you’ll find it does

Mum never worked Saturdays before so always took her and then DH collected her on his way home from work about 4pm.

Sorry - missed that (I've come in a bit late and clearly didn't read all OP's posts thoroughly enough).

It is a moot point as it's irrelevant to OP's situation anyway.

@KingsleyBorder 's summary is good, taking the sport out of the equation. It actually doesn't really matter whether there's a sport or not. Ultimately poor DSD doesn't have anyone to look after her on a Saturday because of both of her parents choosing to work on Saturdays. That should never become OP's responsibility to resolve.

As is often said on here "No" is a complete sentence.

Sorry, unsure on what you mean re the 7 days working week for mum? I didn’t say that.

I said from what OP said contact works around dad’s work schedule.

We don’t really know what’s fair to SD. Perhaps 50/50 would work for her, perhaps not. Only her parents know that.

did he ask you or her-i think theyve got a cheek she sholdnt have accepted more hours without discussing it first

Maybe the child's actual parents could sort out their own child's weekend sports?

Dad picks her up from her mums house on his way home from work not from the hobby venue.

I think you’ll find that it doesn’t.

To clarify,SDs mum takes and picks up from hobby (often just stays). She is home at her mums house by the time DH collects her at 4.

You presumably do the Saturday run on the weekends you have the SD? I Think that could be reasonable given she's a part of your family and its your DH weekend so his responsibility (which I guess as a family you've decided it's OK for him to work Sat). For the ex weekend, she needs to sort herself out with relatives or childcarer

I think your Dh is going to struggle to sort this. Either way, is he expecting you to be around to pick her up from/wait in to welcome her home from the game? I think you need to push back hard on this or you’re going to be really screwed on Saturdays.

@Frey11 just agree with your husband.

"Yes darling you and ex have a problem". Then disengage.

Not your Circus not your monkeys.

No. On the Saturdays they have DD she does not get picked up till 4pm, after her Mum has taken her to the match and brought her home again.

Alternate weekends she doesn’t even go to her father’s till Sunday.

Neither OP nor the child’s father currently takes the child to her sport fixture or collects her from it.

Not your problem. Her parents have both decided to work Saturdays, without a though as to how to solve this problem. Shrug your shoulders and say 'sorry, not available' and leave them to it. What CF's.

OP says she's expected to do it every Saturday. Because neither her husband nor his ex are going to be available on Saturdays, full stop.

Oh I see you were saying “you do” as a proposal for the future?

Problem is that the weekend contact was never scheduled to start before 4pm so this would be varying that arrangement, regardless of any sport in the mix.

Hi OP,

I'm a mum of a child who does a hobby. This hobby is football. She has been playing since she was 10, and is now semi-pro (at 19).
I do not blame you for saying no. Every weekend (was Saturdays, now Sundays) was taken up by the sport. We travelled a lot, I sacrificed a lot, and her siblings were dragged along (in the sometimes horrid conditions).
I didn't mind - as she was my daughter and she loved it. But she's your SD, and her parents are asking way too much of you to do this on regular basis. They have no idea of the impact this will have on you or your children.
Please be firm, and say no now - or you will be saying goodbye to your Saturdays for the next 10 years.

YANBU, the parents need to find a solution.

In fairness to his ex, I can’t blame her for wanting him to have their child more so that she can work, given how little he has her. However she should have ensured that the childcare arrangements could be changed before accepting a job. Equally your DP can’t just see you as default childcare for his child. If he wants to support his DCs mum being able to work more, then he should consider rearranging his working week to no longer work on Saturdays.

Has your husband told you he expects you to take on the responsibility of Saturdays?

This should have been discussed between the mother and your DH when she was considering the job. If he had said sorry I am working, then she would have had to make a decision and tell DD that she could no longer go.

The world doesn't actually revolve around children. It is ok to tell them that as a parent, you can't do something. That was essentially the decision that the mother made when she took the job (unless your DH had told her it was fine for you to have her without discussing it with you).

You need to stand your ground and he needs to sort it out. If they are both working then DD comes to you, but doesn't do her thing any more. They need to take the blame for this, not you.

Some of my friends with young children consciously opted out of football and other sports for their families because they didn't want to be shackled to routines and obligations like this. It's a bit hard on the child now that she is ensconced in it and presumably has mates on the team. But maybe that would be for the best. There are other enrichment activities that could be done.

It does sound as though there is an imbalance in how much care OP's husband provides. Perhaps he should give up his Saturday gigs and have the girl every other weekend.

It's a little cold to say "it's between them, not the OP's problem," when there is a young human being involved; she's not a dog or a piece of luggage being batted forth and back. But the best hours of every Saturday is a grim obligation.

Reason No. 2,843 that I wouldn't advise having kids with a man who already is a parent. The first daughter must feel like a nuisance to both her parents.

@Frey11 is DH the father of both your pre school children?

There's really no reason OP should 'end up' looking after DSD, though. So the possibility of lifelong resentment can be migitated against by just.... not. Asserting the boundary and sticking to it.

Why is it the OP’s responsibility? Being a woman doesn’t make her automatic childcare.

Even if the OP and her DH have agreed he will work in Saturday’s that doesn’t mean she’s required to take on responsibility for his older child too.

The ex is entirely in the wrong here. She’s unilaterally decided that she wants to work during her established contact time. The DH is also in the wrong because both the SD’s parents seem to have just decided that the OP (and the small children) will be spending every Saturday running around after SD for them.

Ridiculous. What MN stepparenting shows repeatedly is quite how selfish and entitled many parents are in their expectations of a stepmum. And also how keen some
MNers are to insist it’s somehow her responsibility to exist as a childcare accessory for an SC’s parents.

the parents need to organise another family going to the hobby, (or a paid child minder) to ferry and look after the child until one of the parents can collect them.

Even if you were the fully involved full time 3rd parent in this relationship, as neither of the other 2 parents discussed this with you at any stage until it was a fait accompli, it's not your problem to solve.

No, do not give an inch on this
Weekend are your time with your DC
It's up to DH and ex to sort this