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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give up my Saturdays?

593 replies

Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:07

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

OP posts:
ithinkmyheadiscavingin · 01/12/2023 17:32

Allyliz · 01/12/2023 14:16

Compromise... say you'll do alternate weekends....its too much to give up every week but this way at least you're being caring and considerate...unlike them

Hell no. Why on earth should OP do alternate weekends when the child has 2 parents of her own who both know she has an activity on that day and decided to go to work that day instead.

No, no, no.

UnremarkableBeasts · 01/12/2023 19:06

RedoneP · 01/12/2023 10:23

Nope not non sequitur. If my sister's wealthy ex had had his son at times, she could have worked more or had a career. She didn't but married a wealthy tight git who has a similar attitude to most commentators on here - not my biological child, not my problem. His step siblings are all paid for university but not him.

I have paid for my nephew, driven him around etc. He deserves that as no parent or step patent will. I feel so sorry for kids in there situations. The financially poorer parents children always suffer most in the long term.

Btw, I work and have kids myself. My husband works shifts so we get barely any family time. If my self centred, freeloading sister had actually worked and had a career, he wouldn't be so deeply affected. I feel sorry for all children who are seen as an "inconvenience ". Hence why I step in.

The fact that you don’t seem to understand how entirely irrelevant your sister’s choices are to this OP’s situation is astounding.

Your sister’s gave up a career. Her ex had little contact with his son but paid a lot of maintenance. You think she should have given him 100% residency so she could work.

What does any of that have to do with this OP?

UnremarkableBeasts · 01/12/2023 19:09

Allyliz · 01/12/2023 14:16

Compromise... say you'll do alternate weekends....its too much to give up every week but this way at least you're being caring and considerate...unlike them

If you go to a restaurant and the person at the next table decides you’re going to pay their bill for them, do you ‘compromise’ by paying half or just say no to the CF?

If someone at work expects you to do their work as well as yours, do you ‘compromise’ by doing half of their work and all of yours?

So why should this OP ‘compromise’ by being unpaid childcare for her husbands ex every second weekend?

2Rebecca · 01/12/2023 19:57

I'm a step parent as is my second husband. I negotiated with my ex and he with his. If my son needed taking to a party/ sports match at a weekend with me it was my job to sort it, same for my husband and his kids. If husband's ex wants to reduce her weekend commitment she discusses it with the child's father and if he can't cover the extra time she needs to sort out childcare.

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 03:54

I really don’t understand this at all.
I have a stepdaughter and don’t see looking after her as ‘childcare’ . It’s a massive responsibility taking on another persons child - sister to my children - and I treat her as I would my own. That’s what you sign up to a step- parent.
I agree it’s a little much and unreasonable to expect her to commit to every Saturday - which probably won’t last that long anyway as they all tend to drop these clubs after sometime - but if you would do it for your own child you should do it for your stepchild. Both the parents are working - presumably to provide a better life for all the children involved - it’s not like they’re gallivanting around playing golf or going out . The mother only has one night a week without the child and seems to working hard. Why not help her out!?
Think of the child as your own and your view might change .

Floofydawg · 02/12/2023 09:00

It’s a massive responsibility taking on another persons child - sister to my children - and I treat her as I would my own. That’s what you sign up to a step- parent.

Not everyone chooses to do that though. Step families come in all different shapes and sizes, and that's ok.

TrashedSofa · 02/12/2023 09:08

Additionally, the fact that OP hasn't signed up either of her own children to an activity that monopolises every Saturday should tell us something.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 09:08

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 03:54

I really don’t understand this at all.
I have a stepdaughter and don’t see looking after her as ‘childcare’ . It’s a massive responsibility taking on another persons child - sister to my children - and I treat her as I would my own. That’s what you sign up to a step- parent.
I agree it’s a little much and unreasonable to expect her to commit to every Saturday - which probably won’t last that long anyway as they all tend to drop these clubs after sometime - but if you would do it for your own child you should do it for your stepchild. Both the parents are working - presumably to provide a better life for all the children involved - it’s not like they’re gallivanting around playing golf or going out . The mother only has one night a week without the child and seems to working hard. Why not help her out!?
Think of the child as your own and your view might change .

If the OP does this for her stepdaughter she won't be able to do this - or indeed anything - for her own children. Because all their Saturdays will be spent in the car driving her to fixtures.

RedToothBrush · 02/12/2023 09:12

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 03:54

I really don’t understand this at all.
I have a stepdaughter and don’t see looking after her as ‘childcare’ . It’s a massive responsibility taking on another persons child - sister to my children - and I treat her as I would my own. That’s what you sign up to a step- parent.
I agree it’s a little much and unreasonable to expect her to commit to every Saturday - which probably won’t last that long anyway as they all tend to drop these clubs after sometime - but if you would do it for your own child you should do it for your stepchild. Both the parents are working - presumably to provide a better life for all the children involved - it’s not like they’re gallivanting around playing golf or going out . The mother only has one night a week without the child and seems to working hard. Why not help her out!?
Think of the child as your own and your view might change .

The thing here for me is if the OP had a daughter the same age and then her two children, she probably wouldn't be doing this club with her eldest precisely because of the difficulty of taking the two younger ones and how it prioritised the wants of the eldest over the needs of the youngest.

If it was something else I might be more inclined to agree more about the general childcare aspect but this activity the whole situation doesn't work and that's actually part of the problem.

That does need to be acknowledged. The OP wouldn't make the same decision to do the activity if she was the mother of the eldest.

So I don't think you can use the equivalency argument for this particular situation.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2023 09:13

If OP is to think of SD as her own, she can presumably take her out of the activity as it no longer fits with what’s best for the wider family. That’s what being a fully involved parent would mean, equal say in activities, choosing schools, discipline.

That’s not what the “treat them as your own” brigade usually mean though. They mean pay for them, drive them around, facilitate the choices the actual parents make and if you have your own children remember you can never put them on an equal footing to your step children, even if they are also step children.

It requires so much bizarre reasoning you’d become a mental contortionist.

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 10:12

It really isn't that complex

But yes if she doesn’t want to support the child’s hobbies then don’t help out, it’s simple isn’t it . Just not very nice as far as I’m concerned. I’d drive any of my children ( step or otherwise) anywhere to support them for anything. It all goes so quickly before they don’t want to do hobbies and just want to go out with their mates/ partners work etc . My husband waits up until our teenagers are home safe when they’re been out to parties etc - and my 17 year old boy is not even biologically his. It’s called unconditional love.

Children need different things at different stages of their life . Why should this kid suffer because the parents are clearly working hard but the step mum doesn’t want to give up her precious Saturday? Not saying she has to do it or that it isn’t annoying and inconvenient, but this is what we sign up to. If she reversed the roles I wonder what she would want for her own kids.

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/12/2023 11:04

Why should this kid suffer because the parents are clearly working hard but the step mum doesn’t want to give up her precious Saturday?

What about the OP's own children? Are they supposed to suffer instead? She works all week to provide for them too, so the weekend is when they get to spend time with her. That is why her Saturday is "precious".

CornishGem1975 · 02/12/2023 11:05

Why should this kid suffer because the parents are clearly working hard but the step mum doesn’t want to give up her precious Saturday?

Because she is not responsible for that kid. And the law tells us so.

As a stepmother you're expected to do all the donkey work yet have no legal rights or parental responsibility. Can't be both ways.

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/12/2023 11:11

Apparently so. Three adults to dedicate themselves to one child, and the other children get no day alone with their mother.

Honeychickpea · 02/12/2023 11:11

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 10:12

It really isn't that complex

But yes if she doesn’t want to support the child’s hobbies then don’t help out, it’s simple isn’t it . Just not very nice as far as I’m concerned. I’d drive any of my children ( step or otherwise) anywhere to support them for anything. It all goes so quickly before they don’t want to do hobbies and just want to go out with their mates/ partners work etc . My husband waits up until our teenagers are home safe when they’re been out to parties etc - and my 17 year old boy is not even biologically his. It’s called unconditional love.

Children need different things at different stages of their life . Why should this kid suffer because the parents are clearly working hard but the step mum doesn’t want to give up her precious Saturday? Not saying she has to do it or that it isn’t annoying and inconvenient, but this is what we sign up to. If she reversed the roles I wonder what she would want for her own kids.

No. It's what you signed up to. It's not what the OP signed up for.

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 11:17

She asked if it’s unreasonable. I said yes . End of .
if she doesn’t want to look after the kids hobbies don’t do it , don’t ask for opinions if you don’t want them. I personally think that’s unreasonable, and don’t marry a man who has kids if you don’t want the ‘inconvenience’

TrashedSofa · 02/12/2023 11:26

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 11:17

She asked if it’s unreasonable. I said yes . End of .
if she doesn’t want to look after the kids hobbies don’t do it , don’t ask for opinions if you don’t want them. I personally think that’s unreasonable, and don’t marry a man who has kids if you don’t want the ‘inconvenience’

AIBU doesn't really do 'end of'.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 11:35

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 10:12

It really isn't that complex

But yes if she doesn’t want to support the child’s hobbies then don’t help out, it’s simple isn’t it . Just not very nice as far as I’m concerned. I’d drive any of my children ( step or otherwise) anywhere to support them for anything. It all goes so quickly before they don’t want to do hobbies and just want to go out with their mates/ partners work etc . My husband waits up until our teenagers are home safe when they’re been out to parties etc - and my 17 year old boy is not even biologically his. It’s called unconditional love.

Children need different things at different stages of their life . Why should this kid suffer because the parents are clearly working hard but the step mum doesn’t want to give up her precious Saturday? Not saying she has to do it or that it isn’t annoying and inconvenient, but this is what we sign up to. If she reversed the roles I wonder what she would want for her own kids.

WHY IS THE OP MORALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR DOING SOMETHING NEITHER OF THE GIRL'S ACTUAL PARENTS ARE WILLING TO DO?

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/12/2023 11:46

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 11:17

She asked if it’s unreasonable. I said yes . End of .
if she doesn’t want to look after the kids hobbies don’t do it , don’t ask for opinions if you don’t want them. I personally think that’s unreasonable, and don’t marry a man who has kids if you don’t want the ‘inconvenience’

Except, it's not unreasonable to want to spend time with your own children. Which is why the OP doesn't want to do the hobby on Saturday.

End of.

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/12/2023 11:50

It's incredible how people just ignore everything else in a post/situation except for the presence of a stepchild. As soon as a stepchild is mentioned, it becomes the only thing that matters.

UnremarkableBeasts · 02/12/2023 12:23

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 11:35

WHY IS THE OP MORALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR DOING SOMETHING NEITHER OF THE GIRL'S ACTUAL PARENTS ARE WILLING TO DO?

Show quote history

Exactly!

Why should this kid suffer because the parents are clearly working hard but the step mum doesn’t want to give up her precious Saturday?

These parents can arrange their work commitments around their parenting responsibilities. Thats what they signed up to when they decided to have a child together.

Parents all across the country turn down jobs or make career-limiting decisions because they need to be available to look after their children. Why do so many people on MN think that remarrying provides a nanny for the parents?

poetryandwine · 02/12/2023 13:18

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/12/2023 11:11

Apparently so. Three adults to dedicate themselves to one child, and the other children get no day alone with their mother.

I am mostly on the stepmum’s side but it does seem that everyone is forgetting about Sunday. I don’t understand why mum needs a day with her DC without her DH. Too bad she has not clarified, IIRC, whether he is their dad bit it seems from timings that he is very like dad to the 2 yo at least.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 13:20

poetryandwine · 02/12/2023 13:18

I am mostly on the stepmum’s side but it does seem that everyone is forgetting about Sunday. I don’t understand why mum needs a day with her DC without her DH. Too bad she has not clarified, IIRC, whether he is their dad bit it seems from timings that he is very like dad to the 2 yo at least.

Show quote history

I don't think it has anything to do with her needing a day with her kids and without their dad.

It's more that she wants to be able to actually do things with her own kids on Saturdays.

UnremarkableBeasts · 02/12/2023 13:24

’oh you’ve got Sunday to spend with your children’ 🙄

honestly, people really think SMs and their children should be grateful for whatever scraps they can find after the SC have been prioritised but not but their parents.

poetryandwine · 02/12/2023 13:50

I get @MargotBamborough ’s point and I have defended OP unreservedly in several earlier posts. I am not minimising her need, and her DC’s, for the 3 of them to have good times on Saturdays, @UnremarkableBeasts

But we are operating in a weird vacuum. OP has not even answered repeated questions about how old DSD is or whether DH is the father of her DC. These things matter. She has failed to acknowledge suggestions that DSD’s parents (whether it should just be the mum can be argued either way) hire childcare for transport, she has rejected the idea of participating in a rota (with the possibility of a childminder to watch DSD as necessary) etc. What is left?

Ultimately the equal needs of three young children are the most important thing here. I don’t see how to honour the DSD equally to the OP’s bio children without some flex.