to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

We don’t need any of that info. Because it makes no difference.

However old the SD is, whether the OP’s children are her husbands… none of it changes anything about it being the SC’s parents’ responsibility to look after her.

I don’t see how to honour the DSD equally to the OP’s bio children without some flex.

Maybe the SD’s parents should ‘honour’ her. maybe they should ‘flex’.

Why are you holding the OP responsible for things that are their responsibility?

Why should she care more than they do?

What is left is the SC’s parents organising their work so that one of them is looking after their child.

Or they get a family member to step in.

Or the pay a nanny to look after their daughter all day, including going to the sport.

all your ideas start from the assumption that the OP should be doing this. It’s not her responsibility.

@Aimvs123

yep op doesn’t want to give up her Saturday. I wouldn’t either. Do you think that makes us selfish?
oh well, who cares?!

Why should this kid suffer because the parents are clearly working hard but the step mum doesn’t want to give up her precious Saturday?
The step mum is also working hard, all bloody week in fact, and yes, Saturdays are precious with your very young children when the most you see of them during the week is the morning rish out the door and maybe 2/3 hours for dinner/bath /bed during the week.
I've had a fabulous day with my young kids (worn them out, all napping currently 😁) and would not be giving that chance up for anything.

I never said nor implied OP should care more than the girl’s parents. Exaggeration is not helpful.

Of course it matters how old the girl is. If she is 13 she can stay home alone until being picked up for her activity. For all we know there is a subtext about where she will be until pick up for the activity - this is one point the OP has elided.

I have no qualms about saying that while OP should not constrain her Sat morning activities for DSD, her emphasis on having the day alone with her own kids seems odd for those mornings they might otherwise be hanging around the house with DSD. Here I do think DSD should be free to join her sibs rather than left alone at her mum’s, if that is her preference. Generally younger sibs are very happy with this and a child’s need not to be lonely trumps a mum’s needs for a couple of extra hours alone with her bio children.

You’re so desperate for the SM to be in the wrong here that you’re insisting she’s ‘eliding’ (which doesn’t mean omitting or fudging, btw) the SD’s age for some nefarious purpose.

Yet even if the SD is 13 and can be alone, the OP is somehow still in the wrong for ignoring her ‘need not to be lonely’ by not taking on childcare responsibility now her mother has decided she’d rather be at work.

I know what ‘eliding’ means, thanks @UnremarkableBeasts I was attempting to be tactful. Some OPs are very selective about what they answer and as of now she looks to be one of them.

Before you or anyone else keep on about how I want the SM to be wrong, please review my first several posts which defended her. I just think the DSD has gotten lost and OP’s failure to answer basic questions is a big reason why. This problem is not insurmountable and need not involve a compromise (or much of one, blended family life always involves some) of the principle that this is a problem for DSD’s parents .

Tactful may also not mean passive aggressive… implying people are leaving out key details on purpose is passive aggressive. It’s not tactful.

it doesn’t matter what age the SD is. Whether she’s 6, 16 or 46 the situation is:

• her parents separated and had come to a settled contact arrangement
• the mother has decided to change job and wants to change that arrangement to suit her
• the OP is expected to step in and take responsibility for the SD and her hobby so neither parent has to.

If the SD is getting lost, it’s because her parents have decided they’d rather not be look after her.

The parents can find a compromise for their daughter.

If she’s lonely, it’s because her mum and dad have decided they’re both going to work on one of the two days she’s not at school each week. That’s on them.

Not that there’s any point in arguing.

Hopefully the OP has been able to set her boundaries and hasn’t been brow beaten into taking responsibility for this by her husband.

We agree on some things: that the main screw up has been by the mum, and that the primary responsibility for solving it belongs to the parents. Above all, that the OP should not be browbeaten into solving the parents’ problem.

We disagree about the expectation on the OP. She hasn’t been explicit about that. She has (reasonably IMO) been seeking opinions.

We disagree about the relevance of the SD’s age. In the real world of blended families pragmatism is everything - which is a far cry from saying this is OP’s problem - so I do find OP’s lack of disclosure on basic facts striking and relevant. Also her complete lack of feedback on any CAO and the childcare option - where again age is relevant.

If OP really wants a solution involving minimal disruption to herself, giving us these details would help to find it.

She wasn’t asking for a solution.

She was asking for confirmation that it’s not her problem to solve.

On Planet Purity it’s not her problem to think about. In the real world it’s not her problem to deal with on a weekly basis but why would she not put the issue to bed if she could? Children’s feelings are at stake and a bit of thinking time is not a significant compromise

Here I do think DSD should be free to join her sibs rather than left alone at her mum’s, if that is her preference. Generally younger sibs are very happy with this and a child’s need not to be lonely trumps a mum’s needs for a couple of extra hours alone with her bio children.

Why don’t you just write - the stepchild’s needs trump all. That’s basically what you’re getting at.

If she’s lonely it’s because both parents are working without a thought to who would look after her.

Not sure why taking her to a hobby is now looking after her in the morning anyway. So much stretching going on here to make it the SP’s responsibility to solve all the DSC’s issues

No. The SD’s needs don’t trump the needs of the other children. The OP has not said anything about relations between the 3 children. This would have been useful information.

The needs of the three children are the most important thing. I do not mean OP should be roped into acting on the girl’s behalf every week. I do think that as an adult in a blended family she could turn her brain towards finding a solution for the parents for an hour or so, especially since we collectively proposed some she has not objected to (child care).

The OP has not said anything about relations between the 3 children. This would have been useful information.

Because it doesn’t have anything to do with it. OP does not want to give up every Saturday to take DSC to a hobby and amuse two small children while she’s doing it.

How the children all get on together is not relevant.

It’s still the parents issue to solve.

I have never suggested that OP ‘give up every Sat to take DSD to a hobby’ - ver far from it - and am therefore baffled as to why you are focusing on this.

But anyone can see that the problem does not exist in a vacuum. It would be useful to know whether she proposes to ban SD from her home when dad is not around or whether, as I said earlier, she may have some flex - that her own DC may even appreciate.

Flex can only mean the OP taking responsibility for her SC.

You want her to do the thinking. Her to consider her SD’s feelings. Her to figure out how to solve the problem.

The thing about it not being her problem is that she simply doesn’t have to solve it. Her husband and his ex need to solve the problem. They are the children’s parents.

it is still childcare, if the OP has to look after the SD in the morning. Or be in so she can be dropped off. Or anything else. She still has to organise her entire day around the SD and her hobby.

That is true however close the children are or are not. Whatever age the SD is. Whether the SD likes pink or green better. Whether the children are half siblings or step siblings. Whether the earth is round or flat.

I feel sorry for the poor little 'millstone' around her parents' necks, both arguing why they shouldn't have her!

But yes if she doesn’t want to support the child’s hobbies then don’t help out, it’s simple isn’t it . Just not very nice as far as I’m concerned. I’d drive any of my children ( step or otherwise) anywhere to support them for anything

Of course you would. Anyone can say anything on the internet! How do we know you even have stepchildren?

I might well take a stepchild to a hobby too. But it would depend on the circumstances and I would definitely prefer to be asked before the actual mum took a job without checking. I realise people need to earn a crust but you'd still check. Wouldn't you? Especially when the stepmum has other children?

She doesn’t have to do any of this. Her silence on the subject of child care for DSD to solve the problem - hence the relevance of SD’s age - was deafening.

The reality is that activities such as occasionally hanging with DSD on Sat mornings may do a lot for the sibling bond at the expense of a small compromise to the principle that I Shouldn’t Have To Get Involved With A Problem My Husband’s Ex Created.

Yep. You really wonder why some people produce kids. Poor girl.

This thread isn't about occasionally hanging out with her stepdaughter on a Saturday morning.

It's about whether it is unreasonable to object to being expected to drive her stepdaughter to sports fixtures every Saturday meaning that she can't make any other plans or do anything nice with her own children.

But the OP hasn't said anything about "banning her stepdaughter from her home when her husband isn't around".

It is worth noting, however, that contact time with her dad is supposed to be just that: contact time with her dad. That is why her dad doesn't work during what is supposed to be his contact time.

The problem here is that the child's mother has decided to take on paid work at a time when her daughter is neither at school nor having contact time with her dad, and instead of doing what most parents in this situation have to do and sorting out some sort of childcare, she is expecting her ex husband's new wife to provide it for free.

What a bizarre thing to say . Yes this is the internet . The whole OP could be fabricated but I think we’re going to assume it’s not. You could be an old man positing , you could live in South Korea, how do we know you’re who you say you are? Stupid isn’t it.
Not too sure why you’re so offended at me answering a public forum question.

Absolutely the child’s mother should have checked , but it remains that there is a gap on the Saturdays and the OP was ‘am I being unreasonable to not take my stepchild to her sports every Saturday’ whilst I think it’s inconvenient ( and probably not even possible every single week as it sounds like it’s outside) I would still just do it despite it being annoying and inconvenient. Maybe I’m a sucker who knows, seems like there’s some really selfish people out there who think that’s so outrageous . So glad my children’s step mother is bloody lovely and I get on so well with my stepdaughter, we could have ended with some really selfish people in our lives.

The child with the hobby is going to grow up and think wow I had three adults in my life and not one of them could get me to my sports . Makes me really sad .

The problem is that the OP was very vague.

I salute @Aimvs123 . I wouldn’t step in every week, myself , but I think and hope I could step up perhaps 30% of the time for the reasons she articulated. That isn’t to say that anyone else should make the same decision but I stand by the principle that adults, collectively, should put children, collectively, first whilst at the same time this
is essentially a problem for the girls’ parents