to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

Good Lord the patronising is dripping here. FWIW I'm your sort of age and I think you are deluded

Yes it does matter to OP. The more nights the father has the children, the less he has to pay first wife.

Also, if first wife doesn't work, the more deprived the first child will be.

My sister has full custody of her child. His father pays £900 pcm via the CSA for him. If he saw his son more, the less he'd pay. My nephew's payments stop soon as he will finish A Levels. The golden goose will stop paying for his son. My sibling is sorely regretting not being able to have worked more no university is approaching. My nephew may not be able to afford to go as my sister remarried and her new husbands income is assessed although he earns a lot, he's said no, not paying for my nephew's university, plus he has 2 children from a previous relationship he pays for. Like I said think long term.

@RedoneP

THEN CHILD PAYS FOR HIMESELF! It's not difficult student loans, a job.

I paid for myself.

Your long term point still makes
no sense, given the reduction in maintenance is the shorter term thing.

And it still somehow makes the OP responsible for her husband’s ex. Or her inability to provide a better lifestyle for herself and her child.

I don’t see how the SM ending up with more childcare responsibility and a much curtailed social life to save her husband a few pounds in maintenance is a good outcome for her.

The long term view is that the OP is best off investing her time and effort into her own career, her own children and maintaining her social ties.

The situation of that poster’s sister who has happily lived off child maintenance and (presumably) UC but has now remarried meaning her son no longer qualifies for more than the minimum student support package is in no way relevant.

If the father has a new wife, the long term outlook is that child maintenance stops and her husband no longer has a significant monthly expense.

This is a total non-sequitur. And in no way establishes that the OP benefits now or in the future from making herself the unpaid nanny for her husband’s ex.

I’m in my 50’s and I think the OP is not being unreasonable to say no to this demand of her time.

@HighywayToHell me too, another 50+ who agrees with OP

Another (almost) 50 year old who agrees too

Nearly 60 and my views on taking on the role of SM skivvy au pair are long established.

Utterly thankless is what I will be drilling into my daughters.

Nothing on MN makes me think any man is worth the sad reality of step parenting, just a life of thankless juggling whilst the father avoids parenting as much as possible.

A mugs game.

Not being unreasonable. Sounds like SD mum has changed things without consulting your DH. Just to confirm though your DH hasn’t agreed to this already ‘assuming it would be ok?’
Stick your ground and keep things as they are.

Am in right in assuming that would also mean you would have SD every Saturday night too?

I’ll be drilling it in to my daughter too.

I feel very sorry for any the daughters of any of the women on here who have basically said OP should be a skivvy with no voice and that her kids were born second so come second.
Just imagine if these posters’ selfish-30-something-daughters came to them for support because they’re upset about the demands being put on to them and she wants to say no because she feels something isn’t right and she has some self respect. Can’t imagine mother dearest would be encouraging her to stick up for herself.

Even if OP did want to take on the parenting of her DSD 'as if she were her own', that would mean DSD would still have to fit her social stuff around her siblings. What she wants doesn't override what's best for the rest of the family. And it's up to op to decide if a commitment like this is compatible with activities/time with the other 2. No child in any family gets to do everything they want. There's only so much money and time to share out.

What ? You survived on 4k year when halls are double that? That's about how much he'll get as it's based of his "household" income. I worked 30 hours a week as a student. However, some children, like my nephew, has severe dyslexia. It takes him twice as long to do the work others do and lots of blood sweat and tears. Ordinarily I'd preach like you, but life isn't black and white.

Bully for us - we funded ourselves. However, I'm not as arrogant as to state that to neurodiverse children. And no, they barely give disabled students allowance to dyslexic children anymore.

Nope not non sequitur. If my sister's wealthy ex had had his son at times, she could have worked more or had a career. She didn't but married a wealthy tight git who has a similar attitude to most commentators on here - not my biological child, not my problem. His step siblings are all paid for university but not him.

I have paid for my nephew, driven him around etc. He deserves that as no parent or step patent will. I feel so sorry for kids in there situations. The financially poorer parents children always suffer most in the long term.

Btw, I work and have kids myself. My husband works shifts so we get barely any family time. If my self centred, freeloading sister had actually worked and had a career, he wouldn't be so deeply affected. I feel sorry for all children who are seen as an "inconvenience ". Hence why I step in.

@Ohgollymolly

I’m sure she likely will be doing something else though. Op is hardly likely to be sitting home every Saturday with nothing to is she?

Ladies ! The moral of the story here is - NO MAN is worth being a step mother for. Period. Whatever you do or don’t do you will be called selfish (because soooooo many people still have so much internalised misogyny.

That's sad. I know of many step parents in very loving and well-functioning families.

@CharlotteBog

nah, what’s sad is being expected to be a Martyr to men and/or children (and children who are not even yours!)

that’s sad!

The basic problem is that in this scenario innocent people will lose out unless the DSD’s parents step up and do the right thing. The OP is one of them, but I agree it is worse for both her DC and above all the DSD.

I am on OP’s side but admit it feels uncomfortable, and I think it is because a child is paying the price. Ultimately that child’s needs are more important than OP’s - though not more important than the needs of OP’s DC - but this is not to say OP must be the one to fulfil them. It is a very fine line.

Agree.

Maybe there are the very rare 1% out there that aren't selfish arses , but for me it really is a hard swerve.

I didn't raise my precious daughters to settle for so little.

I have zero difficulty in this.

Telling them to avoid men with baggage may be harsh for some to read, but I certainly didn't give my daughters the very best of starts in their young lives for them to end up as skivvy aupairs for any man.

Not a chance.

Agree with you, Billy.

One set of kids per person is a good rule of thumb. Nobody needs to be producing offspring with multiple people in 2023.

PS For clarification, above I meant that the OP is one of the innocent people caught up in a situation she did not create. Not that she counts as a parent to DSD.

This

Compromise... say you'll do alternate weekends....its too much to give up every week but this way at least you're being caring and considerate...unlike them

Not a chance would I offer 50% of the time.

With CF's you offer an inch they take a mile.

Not her problem at any level.
She's doing too much already.