to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

The problem is that the step parent has no say in the arrangements yet is expected by some people to take up all the responsibility. With 2 very small dc the OP may not have chosen the hobby for the oldest dc but that's not her call. The bio mother set it up. The bio mother changed her schedule. The bio father and mother won't compromise and now the step parent is being castigated for being so cruel as to not be a doormat and sacrifice her and her dc time for everyone else.

So, I asked my husband his view- he thinks it's a bit unreasonable every Saturday. Get a car share sorted or her parents or grandparents to sort it. Although, as I said before, even nuclear families have to drag younger siblings along which is miserable. I think they need to sort it out themselves but on the odd week, maybe you can do it on occasion but EVERY Saturday if it's your only day off is a bit much.

It is tough, package or not/blended families or not, there must be alternatives but to be EXPECTED every week is much. For me, the moral high ground is yes, you should. Although, if I was in your situation I'd be miffed at the expectations being thrust on me. It's a tough call but I'd get her parents to sort out lifts etc. You can be there when she gets home is a fair compromise.

And still the step mother bashers tie themselves into ludicrous knots.

Daft plain daft

Did your Dad try to manipulate your Step Dad in the way OP is being manipulated?
That's where resentment comes from. The idea that a step parent is no longer an autonomous human, but now exists only to serve and must do as they are told, is sadly not uncommon on this site. And many posters, myself included, will absolutely rail against the poison.
I've done a lot with and for my step child, and sometimes even put her interests ahead of my own kids (same as sometimes one or other of my own bio children have to be the priority for whatever reason), but even I would absolutely not tolerate this level of entitlement.

My step dad did more than my dad did and he never made us feel that he resented that.

there are always going to be complicated dynamics and relationships in blended/step families.

I had some horrible experiences with my dad partners who I would never class as a step parent as they never treated us that way. We were always low priority compared to her children and that was really damaging.

its great you are able to prioritise your step child sometimes but even your language suggests that this is something unusual. With my mum and step dad we all felt equal and were treated the same. We were a family.

I fully acknowledge I have never been a step parent and there will be situations where women are taken advantage of in these situations. Just wanted to share my views from a different perspective.

Quite simply, if the parents wanted the OP to take over the hobby faff, they should have discussed it with her before they changed plans. You don't just decide other people will do stuff for you.

its great you are able to prioritise your step child sometimes but even your language suggests that this is something unusual. With my mum and step dad we all felt equal and were treated the same. We were a family
It is more unusual to prioritise my DSC - my children are very young, one with a disability, so their needs are more pressing, and also they live with us full time. DSD lives with her mum. My family is still a family, it's just a different shape than yours was.

I can’t believe what I’m reading.

She’s a child! Have anyone of you stopped to think how this might make her feel?!

OP, you took on a man with a child, you need to do your part. Your OH clearly has form for leaving women with his kids, so this could be you one day. How would you feel if his new woman cba with your kids?

Do better.

Tell me you haven’t properly read (or understood) the thread without telling me you haven’t properly read (or understood) the thread.

Slowly: The child’s parents need to do THEIR PART and look after their child.

If the poster is left for another woman then she can look forward to her exH and his new partner looking after her kids as you think is right. The new exH partner - the stepmum could look after and take the ops kids to their weekend activities. The op will get a good rest and time for herself of time to work for money. Sounds good.

And the posters who insist on dragging up the stepfathers comparison…

The bar for men is on the fucking ground. Being a father is to be congratulated for just occasionally existing around your children. See this song for details:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGedtAp92/

Stepfathers are compared to (nonresident) fathers and, as a result, get lauded as some kind of superheroes for doing very little at all. Because getting over the bar for men is unbelievably easy.

Stepmothers are compared to mothers - who are often the resident parent. That bar is not even vaguely comparable to the expectations around fatherhood. Even if the do ‘step up’ and try to treat the SC ‘like their own’, they’re told to stop overstepping. Stepmothers are expected to joyfully provide provide free childcare to both parents (without consultation), act as housekeeper and general dogsbody (but don’t dare expect to have any say in whether the child cleans their room or eats what’s cooked) and often to pay for it all too. They don’t get a say in whether the child does a sport or what school they go to but they’re expected to drop everything and be a convenient fembot for the child’s parents.

Patriarchal bullshit.

@Ohgollymolly

You couldn't sound more ridiculous if you tried.

Do better.

Great idea, the imaginary future new woman can take the kid to the Saturday activity now and that’ll solve the problem nicely.

Yes, and when you take on a man with a child, you become their step mother and you need to love that child too. You need to muck in and help.

My best friend has a step son, but she never calls him that. It’s always ‘my son’.

Honestly, this is so ridiculous. She’s a little girl. She already spends her life between two households, which is disruptive enough. Imagine knowing you had to give up a hobby you love because a ‘loving’ adult in your life cba?!

As an adult imagine looking back and thinking your step mum cba to help you with a hobby. It would feel awful.

Yes, and when you take on a man with a child, you become their step mother and you need to love that child too. You need to muck in and help.

Err nope, @Ohgollymolly that's not how it works. You're not a SM clearly so you have no idea of the dynamics. And why should I have to 'muck in' when I a) Have my own children and b) my step children have two perfectly capable parents (and grandparents) who can 'muck in' for them.

As a SM it's not my job to facilitate their hobbies and activities, if their parents can't accommodate it then it doesn't happen - EXACTLY how it would be if their parents were still married.

As an adult imagine looking back and thinking your step mum cba to help you with a hobby. It would feel awful.

But not as awful as thinking that your own mum (who took and collected you from this hobby) decided to change jobs without discussing it with anyone first, which meant that she wouldn’t be doing it any more!

It’s not OPs job to sort, but it’s absolutely 50/50 with DH and his ex to sort.It’s still his child!

^As an adult imagine looking back and thinking your step mum cba to help you with a hobby. It would feel awful.*

It is infuriating when PARENTS basically use stepmothers as emotional shields to avoid their children blaming THEM for not doing things.

This child should grow up and blame her parents for not ‘helping’ with her hobby. They are the ones choosing not to do it.

I can imagine that our pearl clutching SM-blamer’a friend wouldn’t date share anything about the realities of stepmothering with her. Because most SMs recognise what to keep quiet about.

As an adult imagine looking back and thinking your step mum cba to help you with a hobby. It would feel awful.
Imagine being an adult looking back and realising that your mother didn't bother to factor you in when making changes to her working arrangements, she wasn't that bothered about your hobby so didn't bother to communicate with your father to make arrangements for it, and then rather than take responsibility your mother chose to try and shift the responsibility onto another woman.

In the overwhelming majority of cases when SM's wake up and realise what absolute mugs they have been, .....used as skivvy aupairs by their step childrens actual parents, .....and decide fxxk this I am so done with this whole situation, ......they walk away without a single responsibility OR legal right to ANY relationship with their step child.

Why?

Because they never adopted these children. The relationship survives for only as long as the marriage/partnership does.

So often these young naive women are used for years by the actual parents, .......juggling it all by being guilted, .......until they wake the hell up and realise that they have been run ragged by their actual parents, whilst also having their much younger children too.🙄

So many SM rightly regret the day they got foolishly involved with these men, ........even more so when the penny really drops and they have children themselves.

They never get to fully enjoy their own young children,...... such is the responsibility they are burdened with to be skivvy on call for their SC, and their lazy avoidant parents.

I would be devastated if either of my precious girls sold themselves so short to be used in such away.

It's for her parents to sort out.

Not every woman wants to be a martyr 🤷‍♀️

soz

Exactly this! Stop blaming the stepmothers for parental failures!

Can you please explain using small words why you think the OP and her small children should have to sacrifice every Saturday for an indeterminate period of time to facilitate their stepdaughter/sister's hobby, which neither of her actual parents are willing to facilitate?