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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give up my Saturdays?

593 replies

Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:07

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

OP posts:
MadMadaMim · 29/11/2023 10:08

I've said YABU because I don't understand how this affects you. You should just get on with what you want to do and be home by the time she's dropped off from her activity. After that, bring her along to whatever you're doing that afternoon.

Small compromise, everyone happy.

TreacleMoon2 · 29/11/2023 10:15

MadMadaMim · 29/11/2023 10:08

I've said YABU because I don't understand how this affects you. You should just get on with what you want to do and be home by the time she's dropped off from her activity. After that, bring her along to whatever you're doing that afternoon.

Small compromise, everyone happy.

That makes zero sense. Who is dropping off SD in the first place? And what if OP wants to take her own DC out for the whole day, or go out with her friends, or to soft play, or her DC are invited to a party - should the DSD just be dragged along? That is in no-ones interests - not the OP, the DC OR the SD!

The OP's DP and his ex need to sort this. Not the OP.

KingsleyBorder · 29/11/2023 12:18

MadMadaMim · 29/11/2023 10:08

I've said YABU because I don't understand how this affects you. You should just get on with what you want to do and be home by the time she's dropped off from her activity. After that, bring her along to whatever you're doing that afternoon.

Small compromise, everyone happy.

Dropped off by whom? Santa?

funinthesun19 · 29/11/2023 12:31

MadMadaMim · 29/11/2023 10:08

I've said YABU because I don't understand how this affects you. You should just get on with what you want to do and be home by the time she's dropped off from her activity. After that, bring her along to whatever you're doing that afternoon.

Small compromise, everyone happy.

By everyone you mean the parents and their child only.

OP clearly won’t be happy and her children probably won’t be happy. So how is “everyone” happy?

MargotBamborough · 29/11/2023 13:55

MadMadaMim · 29/11/2023 10:08

I've said YABU because I don't understand how this affects you. You should just get on with what you want to do and be home by the time she's dropped off from her activity. After that, bring her along to whatever you're doing that afternoon.

Small compromise, everyone happy.

So in other words she should "just" have to organise every single Saturday around her stepdaughter's hobby?

And you don't understand how this affects her in any way?

If it didn't affect her in any way she wouldn't be posting. Duh.

jollywhite · 29/11/2023 14:27

I"m going to say OP is being unreasonable - as is every single other woman on here who 's defended her.

She got together with a guy who already had a child. Then proceeded to pop two more out with him. CHOSE to have a blended family. CHOSE to put this child in this position. (although I swear probably thought original child would just disappear with biological mum and no longer bother them)

That orginal child did not choose. She did not choose for her parents presumably to get divorced and to have a shit broken home life with adults argueuing about who was going to support her hobbies and who would be there for her.

I genuinely do not understand in the slightest how or why you would hook up with a guy who already has a child if you don't intend to make a blended family. And a blended family is one where the child can depend on the adult as family. OP is literally talking about this child as though she's some random who she vaguely knows. Put it another way, it's HER CHILDREN'S SISTER!!!!!

FGS. You all need to grow up.

I would take this child in a heartbeat. Kids aren't kids for very long The hobby is clearly important to her. How's about you be the first decent adult in her life???

Don't want to have to put a child's needs above your own? Simple. Don't have a child with a man who already has one. It really is that easy.

And the reason I get so angry about this is because my daughter's best friend is living this exact nightmare. Parents divorced. Dad's new wife got 2 kids and doesn't want to take her to sports competitions on 'her' weekend.

I see first hand the upset this causes. Honestly. It's so bloody pathetic. My only conclusion from all of this is that these women are all in their 30's. Hands down the most self centered, selfish generation ever born. ( I'm in my 50's and it's my generation that are bloody responsible in the main for this)

Controversial but so bloody true. Irony is, I drive my daughter's friend nearly every weekend this happens because her own mum is working and step mum can't be arsed and wants to have 'me' time with her two biological kids. I do this because I'm a decent human being and have the capacity to see the bigger picture. I feel so so sorry for this child, grown women argueing their needs are more important. Pathetic. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

commonsense61 · 29/11/2023 14:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TrashedSofa · 29/11/2023 14:33

jollywhite · 29/11/2023 14:27

I"m going to say OP is being unreasonable - as is every single other woman on here who 's defended her.

She got together with a guy who already had a child. Then proceeded to pop two more out with him. CHOSE to have a blended family. CHOSE to put this child in this position. (although I swear probably thought original child would just disappear with biological mum and no longer bother them)

That orginal child did not choose. She did not choose for her parents presumably to get divorced and to have a shit broken home life with adults argueuing about who was going to support her hobbies and who would be there for her.

I genuinely do not understand in the slightest how or why you would hook up with a guy who already has a child if you don't intend to make a blended family. And a blended family is one where the child can depend on the adult as family. OP is literally talking about this child as though she's some random who she vaguely knows. Put it another way, it's HER CHILDREN'S SISTER!!!!!

FGS. You all need to grow up.

I would take this child in a heartbeat. Kids aren't kids for very long The hobby is clearly important to her. How's about you be the first decent adult in her life???

Don't want to have to put a child's needs above your own? Simple. Don't have a child with a man who already has one. It really is that easy.

And the reason I get so angry about this is because my daughter's best friend is living this exact nightmare. Parents divorced. Dad's new wife got 2 kids and doesn't want to take her to sports competitions on 'her' weekend.

I see first hand the upset this causes. Honestly. It's so bloody pathetic. My only conclusion from all of this is that these women are all in their 30's. Hands down the most self centered, selfish generation ever born. ( I'm in my 50's and it's my generation that are bloody responsible in the main for this)

Controversial but so bloody true. Irony is, I drive my daughter's friend nearly every weekend this happens because her own mum is working and step mum can't be arsed and wants to have 'me' time with her two biological kids. I do this because I'm a decent human being and have the capacity to see the bigger picture. I feel so so sorry for this child, grown women argueing their needs are more important. Pathetic. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

OP has never actually said that these DC are her husband's. I suspect given the ages, the youngest one probably is, but we don't know. Its interesting how many of you who've told her she's BU seem to have made that assumption a crucial plank of your argument. You're not the first.

IGotItFromAgnes · 29/11/2023 15:04

@jollywhite why are the child’s biological parents not pulling their weight and taking her to the competitions? You’re putting a lot of blame on the stepmother, but none on the parents as far as I can see.

MargotBamborough · 29/11/2023 15:06

jollywhite · 29/11/2023 14:27

I"m going to say OP is being unreasonable - as is every single other woman on here who 's defended her.

She got together with a guy who already had a child. Then proceeded to pop two more out with him. CHOSE to have a blended family. CHOSE to put this child in this position. (although I swear probably thought original child would just disappear with biological mum and no longer bother them)

That orginal child did not choose. She did not choose for her parents presumably to get divorced and to have a shit broken home life with adults argueuing about who was going to support her hobbies and who would be there for her.

I genuinely do not understand in the slightest how or why you would hook up with a guy who already has a child if you don't intend to make a blended family. And a blended family is one where the child can depend on the adult as family. OP is literally talking about this child as though she's some random who she vaguely knows. Put it another way, it's HER CHILDREN'S SISTER!!!!!

FGS. You all need to grow up.

I would take this child in a heartbeat. Kids aren't kids for very long The hobby is clearly important to her. How's about you be the first decent adult in her life???

Don't want to have to put a child's needs above your own? Simple. Don't have a child with a man who already has one. It really is that easy.

And the reason I get so angry about this is because my daughter's best friend is living this exact nightmare. Parents divorced. Dad's new wife got 2 kids and doesn't want to take her to sports competitions on 'her' weekend.

I see first hand the upset this causes. Honestly. It's so bloody pathetic. My only conclusion from all of this is that these women are all in their 30's. Hands down the most self centered, selfish generation ever born. ( I'm in my 50's and it's my generation that are bloody responsible in the main for this)

Controversial but so bloody true. Irony is, I drive my daughter's friend nearly every weekend this happens because her own mum is working and step mum can't be arsed and wants to have 'me' time with her two biological kids. I do this because I'm a decent human being and have the capacity to see the bigger picture. I feel so so sorry for this child, grown women argueing their needs are more important. Pathetic. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Um, how about the dad, who also "chose to pop out" more kids with the OP?

The one whose responsibility this kid actually is?

She has two parents.

Let us say it again, louder for those at the back.

THIS KID HAS TWO PARENTS.

Why is it the OP's responsibility to give up EVERY SATURDAY, at the expense of her own life and also that of her own children who also did not ask to be born into this situation, to facilitate the hobby of a child WHO HAS TWO PARENTS?

This situation is FOR THE CHILD'S PARENTS to sort out between them.

The OP is not this child's parent.

If you're happy to drive your daughter's friend around every weekend because her mother is working, great, good for you. But it is not the stepmother's responsibility. It's not up to you to judge her because she "can't be arsed" or for wanting "me time" with her own children. Of course she wants to spend time with her own kids rather than sacrificing every bloody weekend ferrying around a child who is not her own at the expense of her own kids. You are presumably driving your daughter to her hobby anyway and so it doesn't make a huge amount of difference giving another child a lift. Would you drive your daughter's friend to her hobby every weekend even if your daughter wasn't doing the same hobby? No, of course not. Why? Because you would want to have your own life and spend time with your own child at the weekends. Well guess what? So does the child's stepmother, and so does the OP.

Backagain23 · 29/11/2023 15:55

jollywhite · 29/11/2023 14:27

I"m going to say OP is being unreasonable - as is every single other woman on here who 's defended her.

She got together with a guy who already had a child. Then proceeded to pop two more out with him. CHOSE to have a blended family. CHOSE to put this child in this position. (although I swear probably thought original child would just disappear with biological mum and no longer bother them)

That orginal child did not choose. She did not choose for her parents presumably to get divorced and to have a shit broken home life with adults argueuing about who was going to support her hobbies and who would be there for her.

I genuinely do not understand in the slightest how or why you would hook up with a guy who already has a child if you don't intend to make a blended family. And a blended family is one where the child can depend on the adult as family. OP is literally talking about this child as though she's some random who she vaguely knows. Put it another way, it's HER CHILDREN'S SISTER!!!!!

FGS. You all need to grow up.

I would take this child in a heartbeat. Kids aren't kids for very long The hobby is clearly important to her. How's about you be the first decent adult in her life???

Don't want to have to put a child's needs above your own? Simple. Don't have a child with a man who already has one. It really is that easy.

And the reason I get so angry about this is because my daughter's best friend is living this exact nightmare. Parents divorced. Dad's new wife got 2 kids and doesn't want to take her to sports competitions on 'her' weekend.

I see first hand the upset this causes. Honestly. It's so bloody pathetic. My only conclusion from all of this is that these women are all in their 30's. Hands down the most self centered, selfish generation ever born. ( I'm in my 50's and it's my generation that are bloody responsible in the main for this)

Controversial but so bloody true. Irony is, I drive my daughter's friend nearly every weekend this happens because her own mum is working and step mum can't be arsed and wants to have 'me' time with her two biological kids. I do this because I'm a decent human being and have the capacity to see the bigger picture. I feel so so sorry for this child, grown women argueing their needs are more important. Pathetic. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

If you'd be prepared to put a step child ahead of your own two small children every single weekend out of some misplaced martyr complex you'd be a shit and selfish mother.
Shout all you like, OPs kids deserve to be their mum's priority.
They did not choose anything either.

Randomusername16 · 29/11/2023 16:37

I clicked YABU by mistake OP!! You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable here!

drowninginjelly · 29/11/2023 17:13

jollywhite · 29/11/2023 14:27

I"m going to say OP is being unreasonable - as is every single other woman on here who 's defended her.

She got together with a guy who already had a child. Then proceeded to pop two more out with him. CHOSE to have a blended family. CHOSE to put this child in this position. (although I swear probably thought original child would just disappear with biological mum and no longer bother them)

That orginal child did not choose. She did not choose for her parents presumably to get divorced and to have a shit broken home life with adults argueuing about who was going to support her hobbies and who would be there for her.

I genuinely do not understand in the slightest how or why you would hook up with a guy who already has a child if you don't intend to make a blended family. And a blended family is one where the child can depend on the adult as family. OP is literally talking about this child as though she's some random who she vaguely knows. Put it another way, it's HER CHILDREN'S SISTER!!!!!

FGS. You all need to grow up.

I would take this child in a heartbeat. Kids aren't kids for very long The hobby is clearly important to her. How's about you be the first decent adult in her life???

Don't want to have to put a child's needs above your own? Simple. Don't have a child with a man who already has one. It really is that easy.

And the reason I get so angry about this is because my daughter's best friend is living this exact nightmare. Parents divorced. Dad's new wife got 2 kids and doesn't want to take her to sports competitions on 'her' weekend.

I see first hand the upset this causes. Honestly. It's so bloody pathetic. My only conclusion from all of this is that these women are all in their 30's. Hands down the most self centered, selfish generation ever born. ( I'm in my 50's and it's my generation that are bloody responsible in the main for this)

Controversial but so bloody true. Irony is, I drive my daughter's friend nearly every weekend this happens because her own mum is working and step mum can't be arsed and wants to have 'me' time with her two biological kids. I do this because I'm a decent human being and have the capacity to see the bigger picture. I feel so so sorry for this child, grown women argueing their needs are more important. Pathetic. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Well bully for you but if you think martyring yourself and your other two dc by losing EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY when a child has two parents is being somehow better then I suspect you were a crap parent.
^
There are 3 dc in this scenario. THREE. 2 are too young to have any agency. One child has 2 bio parents and you think that the right thing is for the step parent and two very young dc should sacrifice everything? Yeah, y'all seriously messed up^

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 29/11/2023 18:25

jollywhite · 29/11/2023 14:27

I"m going to say OP is being unreasonable - as is every single other woman on here who 's defended her.

She got together with a guy who already had a child. Then proceeded to pop two more out with him. CHOSE to have a blended family. CHOSE to put this child in this position. (although I swear probably thought original child would just disappear with biological mum and no longer bother them)

That orginal child did not choose. She did not choose for her parents presumably to get divorced and to have a shit broken home life with adults argueuing about who was going to support her hobbies and who would be there for her.

I genuinely do not understand in the slightest how or why you would hook up with a guy who already has a child if you don't intend to make a blended family. And a blended family is one where the child can depend on the adult as family. OP is literally talking about this child as though she's some random who she vaguely knows. Put it another way, it's HER CHILDREN'S SISTER!!!!!

FGS. You all need to grow up.

I would take this child in a heartbeat. Kids aren't kids for very long The hobby is clearly important to her. How's about you be the first decent adult in her life???

Don't want to have to put a child's needs above your own? Simple. Don't have a child with a man who already has one. It really is that easy.

And the reason I get so angry about this is because my daughter's best friend is living this exact nightmare. Parents divorced. Dad's new wife got 2 kids and doesn't want to take her to sports competitions on 'her' weekend.

I see first hand the upset this causes. Honestly. It's so bloody pathetic. My only conclusion from all of this is that these women are all in their 30's. Hands down the most self centered, selfish generation ever born. ( I'm in my 50's and it's my generation that are bloody responsible in the main for this)

Controversial but so bloody true. Irony is, I drive my daughter's friend nearly every weekend this happens because her own mum is working and step mum can't be arsed and wants to have 'me' time with her two biological kids. I do this because I'm a decent human being and have the capacity to see the bigger picture. I feel so so sorry for this child, grown women argueing their needs are more important. Pathetic. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

I would take this child in a heartbeat.

I don't believe you, sorry. I doubt you'd cross the road to help someone let alone give up every SATURDAY for ever.

funinthesun19 · 29/11/2023 18:29

I see first hand the upset this causes. Honestly. It's so bloody pathetic. My only conclusion from all of this is that these women are all in their 30's. Hands down the most self centered, selfish generation ever born. ( I'm in my 50's and it's my generation that are bloody responsible in the main for this)

You got me! I’m 34 and would never commit to taking someone else’s child to a hobby every single Saturday.

You say we’re the most self centred generation of women going. Well, I’m happy to be so. Maybe we’re the first generation of women to push back and stick up for ourselves because we have some self worth. I know I can’t speak for others, but at my age now I’m so sick of being a people pleaser so I won’t be one. I don’t like men dictating my life and I certainly wouldn’t let an ex wife of a man dictate my life.

I will back any woman up who feels like she’s being taken advantage of by two CF parents who should be taking some damn responsibility for the child they brought in to existence.

beedayuser · 29/11/2023 18:35

@jollywhite
I agree with every word of your long post.
I'm also in my 50s, and I also agree that the selfishness of some of the people on here is astounding. Entirely me, me, me, and nothing about the child who's already had to experience her parents divorcing.
As I said several times upthread, if you're not prepared to treat a step-child as your own, don't shack up with a man who has children.

funinthesun19 · 29/11/2023 18:42

beedayuser · 29/11/2023 18:35

@jollywhite
I agree with every word of your long post.
I'm also in my 50s, and I also agree that the selfishness of some of the people on here is astounding. Entirely me, me, me, and nothing about the child who's already had to experience her parents divorcing.
As I said several times upthread, if you're not prepared to treat a step-child as your own, don't shack up with a man who has children.

Us “selfish posters” can see that the level of commitment is unreasonable. The concept of taking the child isn’t so much the problem, it’s the fact that it’s every single Saturday and that commitment is too much for OP.

I don’t think OP should martyr herself just because this involves a child.

Backagain23 · 29/11/2023 18:58

As I said several times upthread, if you're not prepared to treat a step-child as your own, don't shack up with a man who has children
Dude, you need to straighten your head out.
Is your definition of "treating a child as your own" looking after and putting them first every Saturday?
If so then OP is doing just that! She's putting her children and their care and interests first! She's treating her own children like her own children!
What you want is for her to treat her own children like they're not her priority, in the name of treating a child who is not her child like they are her child.
How about the childs parents treat her like she is their child? Why are you so determined that this woman's employment decisions are OP and her DCs problem to deal with?

UnremarkableBeasts · 29/11/2023 18:58

beedayuser · 29/11/2023 18:35

@jollywhite
I agree with every word of your long post.
I'm also in my 50s, and I also agree that the selfishness of some of the people on here is astounding. Entirely me, me, me, and nothing about the child who's already had to experience her parents divorcing.
As I said several times upthread, if you're not prepared to treat a step-child as your own, don't shack up with a man who has children.

Totally ok for the children’s parents to be selfish and palm all the responsibility on to a new partner though?

Why is the experience of the child not the divorced parents’ responsibility?

If parents don’t want to look after your own children, they should not have any.

UnremarkableBeasts · 29/11/2023 19:03

Small compromise, everyone happy.

Where is the compromise for the child’s parents?

Honestly, as @MargotBamborough has said repeatedly THIS CHILD HAS TWO PARENTS. It’s their job to make compromises and put their daughter first.

MargotBamborough · 29/11/2023 19:08

beedayuser · 29/11/2023 18:35

@jollywhite
I agree with every word of your long post.
I'm also in my 50s, and I also agree that the selfishness of some of the people on here is astounding. Entirely me, me, me, and nothing about the child who's already had to experience her parents divorcing.
As I said several times upthread, if you're not prepared to treat a step-child as your own, don't shack up with a man who has children.

How is the OP treating the stepdaughter as though she is not her own child by not wanting to drive her to sports fixtures every Saturday?

The child's own parents also do not want to drive her to sports fixtures every Saturday.

Noodles1234 · 29/11/2023 19:09

That’s not on, and not your responsibility to sort. Usually I am very much about helpig out with DSC, but this is too much especially when you have two young children and work all week. Weekends are precious and treasured. I feel sorry for DSC as they haven’t asked for this, but Ex or DH need to sort this, don’t let them emotionally blackmail you.

Eleganz · 29/11/2023 19:17

beedayuser · 29/11/2023 18:35

@jollywhite
I agree with every word of your long post.
I'm also in my 50s, and I also agree that the selfishness of some of the people on here is astounding. Entirely me, me, me, and nothing about the child who's already had to experience her parents divorcing.
As I said several times upthread, if you're not prepared to treat a step-child as your own, don't shack up with a man who has children.

Am I missing something here? The argument appears to be:

A mother decides to unilaterally change jobs to Saturday working when her co-parent already works on that day with no prior thought, discussion or agreement with any other adult with a role in caring for that child to make arrangements for that child to be cared for and it is therefore clearly an entirely different woman's fault because she doesn't want to be forced to pick up the pieces.

The stepmother hate is really strong in some people, to the point that they lose the ability to exercise logic and reason.

beedayuser · 29/11/2023 20:11

Totally ok for the children’s parents to be selfish and palm all the responsibility on to a new partner though?

Absolutely not ok! They are both being entirely selfish and neither of them is willing to put themselves out for their daughter.

Why is the experience of the child not the divorced parents’ responsibility?

If you marry into a pre-existing family, the children (should) become the responsibility of all the adults. If you don't want to do this, find a partner who doesn't have young children.

If parents don’t want to look after your own children, they should not have any.

I agree with this, too. Too many selfish people have children then dump the children in the middle of a divorce. They shouldn't have children if they aren't willing to inconvenience themselves.

The OP's partner and his ex wife should be adult enough to work out a way for their daughter to pursue her hobby. But given that neither of them actually appears to care about what happens to the DD or her hobby, it would be nice for her if the third adult in her life could advocate for her.

At the very least, the OP should be telling her husband to get over himself and find a solution with his ex wife that doesn't make their daughter feel as if she doesn't matter. I would not want to be married to a man who didn't put his child first.

Edited to make quotations from previous posters clearer.

Atthe · 29/11/2023 21:06

I always feel torn on the step parent posts and I think the role of a step parent is seen differently by different people. I grew up with my mum and step dad and never once did he question his responsibility in supporting to raise us. I never got the sense of him feeling resentful for doing stuff for us. We were a family and there wasn’t a divide over which adults we belonged to and who should do what. I was lucky and felt like I just had an additional parent.

I guess for some people it makes sense that the step parent can hold their hands up and say ‘not my child so not my responsibility’ but can’t help but wonder what that feels like from the child’s point of view.

I don’t actually feel you are being unreasonable for not wanting to do it every Saturday but some of the comments do make me feel uncomfortable! Step parents have made the choice to become a step parent and that naturally comes with some responsibility.