to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

Because it’s family! You just do things for family.

How's about you be the first decent adult in her life???

Parents job. Step parents have no responsibility. And no, you don’t ’take on the children’. That phase is only ever rolled out when people are demanding the SP to do something for them, never the rest of the time when they might have an opinion on how they’re raised etc.

But not your own kids, apparently.

Your DH and his ex need to sort this between them both. It’s not your problem to solve.

I agree with this, too. The girl's mother is being crap, and her daughter will realise this at some point, if not already.

But the fact remains that she is a child, and the OP is her stepmother and has therefore taken on the job of being a parent to her. It would be horrible of her to say "not my child, not my problem".

Can you not see it from the child's point of view?

If I were the child in this scenario, I would be very grateful to my SM if she stepped in where both my parents were too busy scoring points off one another to bother with me.

Can you not see it from the child's point of view?

Interesting that you're clearly only thinking of one child here, not the other two. Their points of view go unmentioned.

The daughter from the first marriage existed long before the children from the second marriage came along. If you marry a man who has children already, you have to accept before you have children that the existing child already has needs and commitments. You can't just say "not my child, not my problem".

Plus the child from the first marriage has already had to experience her family splitting up. Even with the most amicable divorce (in which case, why get divorced?), that's deeply upsetting and destabilising. Her father has then met someone else and had two more children. So her nose is already pushed out of joint. Her stepmother clearly doesn't regard her as part of the family. The first child's point of view is, I would say, more important than those of the two very young children whose world is intact.

Can you not see it from the child's point of view?

The ultimate in SP emotional blackmail.

Shouldn't the parent have done this first before changing jobs?

Yet another post based on an assumption that OPs DH is the father of her children. But she's never said that, and indeed referred specifically to them as hers. Never theirs.

Now he may well be the father of one or both, of course. But you really need to have that confirmed before you decide it's sufficient basis to be ranking the children's welfare in importance.

But the fact remains that she is a child, and the OP is her stepmother and has therefore taken on the job of being a parent to her. It would be horrible of her to say "not my child, not my problem".

Can you not see it from the child's point of view?
She hasn't taken the job of being a parent.

The child has two parents: their mother and their father.

If a child's point of view is to blame the stepmother for not filling in the gaps caused by her own mother's parenting and poor decisions then I'd strongly suspect that the mother has been manipulative in the situation.

Step parents should not be guilt tripped into picking up the slack because a child's parent(s) haven't made appropriate arrangements.

I’m honestly speechless that a bunch of grown women could be so awful.

It’s a kid, they’ve had no choice in this. If you’re not doing anything else, why wouldn’t you?

No, I’m not a step mum, but I’d be a bloody good one compared to you lot.

But she is doing other things. She's doing things with her own little children that she can't do any other time because she works all week.

You may think you'd be a bloody good stepmum, but you'd be a shit mum to your own children.

Maybe you're speechless because your comprehension skills are so appalling.

As an adult imagine looking back and thinking your step mum cba to help you with a hobby. It would feel awful.

As an adult imagine looking back and thinking your mum and dad cba to help you with a hobby. It would feel awful.

The first child's point of view is, I would say, more important than those of the two very young children whose world is intact.

And there we have it. The bit no one says out loud; the assumption that the first children matter more.

And of course, it’s for the step-parent to cater to this emotional blackmail, not their actual parents.

OP, stay strong.

Maybe you're speechless because your comprehension skills are so appalling.

About the same as your logic skills. Read that sentence again.

They can Hire a student , baby sitter to take her there and back

Given that you're one of the ones who also decided OPs DH is the father of her DC despite her not having said that, you're not one to be talking about comprehension either. But go on, which of the three sentences in the post I quoted are you advocating a re-read of, and why?

I’m suggesting you re read your own sentence - since when did lack of comprehension lead to speechlessness?

It's remarkably simple.

@Ohgollymolly has informed us that she is speechless at how awful we all are. She then goes on to ask why OP wouldn't do this if she's doing nothing else. But OP isn't doing nothing else, and has mentioned how she uses the time. The poster only thinks this because of her failure in comprehension. Maybe if her comprehension was better, allowing her to understand that OP is not in fact doing nothing else, she'd be less speechless. We'll have to wait and see what she has to say if she comes back to berate us all further.

No, "You just do things for family" is not an answer to the question "Why should the OP and her two young children have to sacrifice every Saturday to support this child's hobby when her own parents are not willing to do so?"

Her own parents are her family.

Why do both parents apparently think it is reasonable to expect the OP to do something for their daughter which neither of them are willing to do for her themselves?

Exactly.
Has the sm or the op partner offered to have the OP’s kids a whole day every week to equal the work of every Saturday and the activity hassle?
Not read that at all.

But the OP is doing other things.

Do you think she should never be allowed to spend time with her own children on a Saturday, doing things they want to do?

Do you think the OP's children should never be allowed to have a play date on a Saturday, or do their own hobbies on a Saturday, or attend a birthday party on a Saturday, because of this weekly commitment to ferrying their older sister around?

The OP isn't being asked to help out occasionally. What is being proposed is a permanent arrangement whereby she spends every Saturday doing this, and dragging her own children along regardless of the weather, illness or anything else they might rather be doing, with no end date.

If you think normal people never do anything on Saturdays, that's a bit weird.

Even if they did offer to do that, who says the OP would want to offload her own kids in exchange for free time?

I have two kids and I work full time. Saturdays and Sundays are my time with my kids. I want to spend it doing things we can all enjoy together. That's what the OP wants too. To enjoy her days off work with her kids.

All of the children exist now..
You insisting that one matters more is disgusting.