to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

OPs first priority is what's best for her own children.
She didn't sign up to be a second class mother.
Maybe the ex should prioritise her own child.

Does this mean you and the father have never been to a single game? The mother has been supporting her daughter for years and enabled her daughter to develop to a good level and now you are both annoyed because she has got a job she has to put first? So you’re been asked to help out after all these years. Like she’s been helping you both out all this time he’s worked weekends.
Not to mention your husband only sees his daughter for two nights a week?
You are both suppose to be parents and if sounds like all you’ve offered so far is a regular babysitting service.
Hope this girl gets to continue with this sport as she’ll need something to give her confidence after the clear messages she’s been getting off you both that she’s not something to be bothered about and is now becoming an inconvenience!

This situation just wouldn't arise if they'd still been together as ONE of them would have had to be there for their daughter. It's just taking the piss to expect you to do it, it really is. I feel sorry for the kid with both of her parents working every Saturday. Both her mum and dad need to try and find a way to facilitate each working every other Saturday so that they can parent her properly, like she deserves to be.

In a couple of years, if not already, OP will have multiple Saturdays taken up by birthday parties of her children's classmates. Is she supposed to turn down those invitations as she'll be ferrying her SD around because both her actual parents have abandoned her on a Saturday? Just appalling from the parents, it really is. I feel for you, OP.

Has she not got grandparents who can do it or a partner of her own? Sadly though, this is the reality of blended families and when you married/got together the previous children come with the package.

However, many families even with children of their own have to do this. I remember being a preschooler having to got to my older brothers football practice on a Saturday then a match every Sunday. Whilst I agree it's a pain, this is life. It won't be forever but even "normal " families have to suffer like this. However, I do remember hating it myself.

Of course YANBU, but this kind of drama is part and parcel of marrying someone who has dcs from an earlier marriage. He came as a package, and you will find situations where you have to sometimes support him with childcare when it’s on his watch, but in this instance, when it’s every Saturday, I’d say no.

She kind of did sign up to being a step mother though. Stepping in sometimes, to help, comes with the territory. Not every Saturday, but I think occasionally.

This.

Of course the OP's first priority is what's best for her own children. That's human nature.

However, that's also why being a step-parent is only going to work in the very few cases where the step-parent is able to put someone else's children pre-existing children first.

If you don't want to do that (and I wouldn't), then don't become a step-parent.

Step parents are not there to mop up shitty parenting by the actual parents. It’s not their job to be the ‘fixer’ and it’s definitely not down to her to bin off Saturdays for the next 10 years for her own TWO children. I really don’t get those posters who think you should be setting the example for her two adult parents to the detriment of your own. Just no.

I take it the family courts see things the same way and that step parents have rights. Cos it would be hypocritical as you cant have it both ways.

The parents have an arranged schedule. If the parent who is scheduled on decides to go do something else during their contact time then they cover the cost of childcare. If the OP and DH decided to go away for a couple of days or go out for dinner when it was his scheduled time you wouldn't expect the ex wife to help cover the cost of childcare would you.

No it's for both parents to sort out. The ex already does the majority of the parenting.

Care to explain why the pre existing child is more important than the (post?) existing children? Ridiculous concept as they all exist now anyway.
Also would love to know how you came to decide that it's fine for bar for parents to be low but a step parent should be held to a higher standard (but only with regards to their step child - its fine for them to be a shitty parent to their own children)?

Can you not see the irony? That's exactly what dad has been doing to her all this time when she's had to pick up the slack for him.

@Backagain23 Yet again: if you shack up with a man who already has a child/children, that child has to come first. If you can't accept this, don't get involved with a man who has children. There are plenty of men who don't come with this kind of baggage.

If you choose to get involved with a man who already has a child, and then choose to procreate with him, then you absolutely have to bear in mind the needs of said child, even if both the child's parents are too selfish to do so.

Again, if you don't want to do that: don't get involved with a man who has children.

She's not being asked to step in occasionally. That's the point.
I do lots of stepping in to help DH and his ex with logistics for my SC. But I absolutely would not be running my two small childrens weekends around her every single week. I'm their Mum first and foremost. All other roles in life file in after that.
It's completely unrealistic, unreasonable and downright cheeky to expect this of OP.

Its not your responsibility absolutely not no. You ANBU

BUT!
It also doesn’t sound like your partner does nearly enough for his daughter. Sorry to say but, he doesn’t worry about childcare at all. I’ll bet mum does. She does the lions share by the sounds and is probably fed up!

You can "bear in mind" the needs of a child without having to accept them being unilaterally foisted upon you.
Love the language there - "shack up" indeed. My husband and I had a right to get married and out children have a right to exist. His ex GF would not have the right to try to make me run about after her child for her, no matter how often you state that she does.
Still don't understand what make the step child the most important and why the step parent is being held to a higher standard.

If you choose to get involved with a man who already has a child, and then choose to procreate with him, then you absolutely have to bear in mind the needs of said child, even if both the child's parents are too selfish to do so.

So the stepmum is held to higher standard then - is that what you’re basically saying?

And I never understand why some people can’t just talk properly when they’re referring to stepmums. They always say things like “Shacked up with a man with children”. If you’re expecting people to take you seriously then maybe stop with the deliberate derogatory language just because it’s something you clearly have an axe to grind about?

I agree, which is why I said ‘occasionally..’

@drowninginjelly Mum has been picking up the slack for Dad, so far as we can tell, for some time (picking up DD from the sport and having her at home until he picks her up). Where ideological purity lies, I do not know. But cooperation between the girl’s parents seems the pragmatic choice.

Still don't understand what make the step child the most important and why the step parent is being held to a higher standard

Because that child existed first, and the step parent made the choice to become involved with that child. If the step parent couldn't be arsed with someone else's child (and, again, I am firmly in this camp - other people's children are of no interest to me), then they shouldn't have become a step parent.

If woman don't want to put a child first who already exists, then why not find a man who doesn't already have children? There are plenty of them around.

YANBU - Your OH could speak with his workplace and change his schedule.

No DH ex is completely unreasonable for not making arrangements prior to accepting the new job! Then if your DH expects you to do it he's wrong too. Do not do it you have to have that time with your own children and friends. I am similar as sometimes DH will ask me to pick up SD on a Saturday as he works until 5 and then has to go back past our home for a further 15 miles. However I have done it a few times thats because if I have plans with my toddler which like you is special time as I work all week I'm not giving it up. Sunday I tend to have to shop, big clean laundry and cook for everyone SD and older children here, DH cannot cook a thing he needs training badly!! Therefore I'm not giving up that special time on a Saturday as my husband changed his job not thinking about the 60 mile round trip! pick up plus it's 30 miles round for me and my car eats fuel so it's a big fat No unless I'm in SD area. DH however does not expect it he will occasionally ask if say he wants to get back earlier or if I'm in SD area. Do not give in! X