to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

@funinthesun19 No axe to grind at all (I'm not a step parent, and my children have no step parents) - but after years of parenting and sharing the experiences of friends, I feel very strongly that blended families only work when all the adults are willing to put themselves out 100% for any children who had already been born before they decided to get together.

If you "shack up with" someone with children, you are also taking on their child/ren, with all that this entails. If you're not willing to do this, you shouldn't do it at all.

So the stepmum is held to a higher standard because the child existed first? And the parents who caused that existence of the child aren’t held to a higher standard?

That makes so sense whatsoever.

I would agree if this had been the position from the start but it hasn't SD mum has taken a new job before making prior arrangements. Why should that fall on SM what if she already had classes booked for the other children.. things if arranged in advance would be different but the mum has been completely unreasonable here.

I’m assuming that poster also believes any firstborn child should be completely prioritised over their siblings if their parents are still together - that’s the only thing that could make this even make vague logical sense.

It does actually make sense. The parents are clearly both failing to communicate properly about their daughter's needs.

The step-parent chose to put herself into this situation, so she therefore has to fill in for the benefit of the child whom she chose to take on as a step child.

If she hadn't chosen to join this family, then obviously she would have no need to take anyone else's needs or feelings into account. But this is a child. Any half decent person would make sure they could facilitate her hobby, especially given that she's good at it.

In 15 years' time, the child will be an adult and will remember who did or didn't do what when she was younger.

I personally don’t think there has to be a rule where the stepmum has to do as she’s told and commit to extreme situations for the parents and it be framed as “putting the child first.”

But that’s just me. Can’t stand CF parents.

In 15 years' time, the child will be an adult and will remember who did or didn't do what when she was younger.

Yes and hopefully will realise it’s her parents who should have stepped up, not her stepmother

Still don't understand what make the step child the most important

Because they’re in a situation not of their making. They’re shunted back and forth between their parents and two homes. They have stepparents who they have no choice in and see relatively little of (usually) their dad unless the arrangement is 50/50. I felt so sorry for my stepchildren.

Then the parents need to communicate better don’t they? And put their kid first. Problem solved.

*I’m assuming that poster also believes any firstborn child should be completely prioritised over their siblings if their parents are still together - that’s the only thing that could make this even make vague logical sense

Absolutely not. In a nuclear family, all children have to make concessions, and the parents will work together to juggle things so that all the children get to do a bit of what they want to do.

In a divorced family, the children are making a massive concession in that they are to-ing and fro-ing between houses and (mostly) warring parents. This is not what they would choose to do.

When a step-parent joins the mix, that's a further complication for the child/ren who are already buffeted around by their parents.

But that’s just me. Can’t stand CF parents

Neither can I. I can't really do with other people's children either. Which is one reason I wouldn't have become a step parent!

To look at this in another way: if a step parent does a really good job, then the child (when s/he is an adult) might well say: "my parents were crap, but my stepmum was fantastic".

That's what I'd want if I were a step mother of a child whose parents were both a bit rubbish.

Though a man who was a bit rubbish with his child would be a complete turn-off for me.

Thankfully I’m not a stepparent either. But I also don’t think stepmums owe their lives like some sort of martyr.

I’m actually a bit concerned about how dismissive you are about how shit the parents are being towards their child. It’s like it’s going over your head because you’re so focused on the stepmum. Really bizarre.

Let's apply some common sense.
None of the children are in a situation of their own making.
But you were quite happy to say that because OP got with a man who had a child, it's fine for her children to be buffeted about by the whims of some random woman their dad used to go out with.

Has the Mum actually had a conversation with you @Frey11 ? What on earth did she think would happen?

None of the children are in a situation of their own making.

The children of the second family are living in one home with both their parents. The impact on them is minimal compared with the stepchildren. And I was quite happy to say nothing of the sort.

Does the SD's Mum have a new partner?

Has this new partner been approached?

If so what was the answer?

This problem really is for the actual parents to sort out.

I imagine that all of us with multiple children (with or without the added complication of blended families, S Children, Exes etc etc) have had problems with clashes of interests, timings, locations etc - and sometimes have had to say no.

This is one of those situations.

How old is she?
its not unreasonable to expect dad to
do at least every other Saturday as childcare, he can’t expect to restrict her earnings to further his own. Work and paying bills comes First so if the hobby can’t be accommodated shell
have to cut back

Personally I’d say that the child’s hobby that falls on a Saturday, should be facilitated by her two parents. Surely they can do this between them?
It’s not fair on either OP or the child herself otherwise is it ? Being passed over to her step mum when she has two parents.

OP hasn't actually said whether her DC are DHs or not, and refers to them only as 'my DC'. I'd guess so from the timing, the younger one at least, but an argument about who's most important on the basis of living with both parents needs more than an assumption.

Agree that it’s so important that all of the children in a family are considered equal and parented as such.
But you don’t have parental responsibility for your DSD and you weren’t asked or considered
in this decision at all. I think it’s completely unreasonable that you are expected to give up part of your Saturday every week and commit to taking her.

It will mean that the other two children in the family will be limited on what you can do as a family on Saturday’s. Not fair on them either. I should imagine that you feel knackered too and you deserve some time at the weekend.

Presumably it wasn’t like this from the start? If her Mum and Dad wanted this to happen, it should have been discussed fully between all of you and agreed, prior to her mum committing to the new job or the child’s activity.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable

Any half decent person would make sure they could facilitate her hobby, especially given that she's good at it.

I consider myself to be half decent. If I were a step mum I wouldn't mind facilitating my step child's hobby during my husband's contact time if my husband had to work. I would however try to encourage my husband to alter his working time for his child's sake, though, to maximise the time spent with his child, not for my own sake.

What I would NOT be doing is facilitating my step child's hobby on a regular basis during her Mum's contact time. That is for her Mum to sort out, whether that is getting a relative or good friend to be roped in to help her. I wouldn't mind a one-off if eg the Mum wasn't well or had tickets to somewhere (as long as that generosity was reciprocated). But as a regular arrangement it's just wrong.

Just because they live with both parents, doesn’t mean they “owe one” to their sibling.

I didn’t say it did. 🤷‍♀️