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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give up my Saturdays?

593 replies

Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:07

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

OP posts:
moomoomoo27 · 28/11/2023 18:48

Could the SD be picked up and dropped off by one of the team mates' parents if any live close by, that way it gives her the chance to have down time with her friends too in the afternoon (either at yours or theirs), and gives you more free time.

UnremarkableBeasts · 28/11/2023 18:50

moomoomoo27 · 28/11/2023 18:48

Could the SD be picked up and dropped off by one of the team mates' parents if any live close by, that way it gives her the chance to have down time with her friends too in the afternoon (either at yours or theirs), and gives you more free time.

How?

She’s still stuck being in for her SD or hosting a bloody play date.

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to be Saturday childcare for SD at all.

Octoflob · 28/11/2023 18:54

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/11/2023 12:15

Could you do every other weekend? Maybe see if there are any other parents who you could do a rota with?

Why should she, she has her own 2 kids to sort out, SD has 2 parents that could do this 🤷‍♀️

pphammer · 28/11/2023 18:56

Not your daughter. Not your problem

moomoomoo27 · 28/11/2023 18:59

UnremarkableBeasts · 28/11/2023 18:50

How?

She’s still stuck being in for her SD or hosting a bloody play date.

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to be Saturday childcare for SD at all.

Show quote history

Well presumably if she's got two young kids she's not going to be out all night 😂I'm sure she can cope with opening the front door and shutting it again.

Zerosleep · 28/11/2023 19:04

Honest OP fuck that, don’t do it. It will affect your relationship as you will just resent DH and SD. Sorry not your problem, DH and his ex need to find something that works and doesn’t involve you.

Dillydollydingdong · 28/11/2023 19:14

Just say no

TeenLifeMum · 28/11/2023 19:28

I’d assume the mum didn’t deliberately go and get a job on Saturdays to annoy her ex. It’s up to them to sort it between them but I’d probably agree to one or two Saturdays a month only because I feel for the poor dc. It’s so crappy when neither parent wants to care for them because “it’s not their day” or jobs change and they’re totally inflexible.

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 19:33

I'm going to be the outlier here and say that if you don't want to do this stuff, you shouldn't take on someone else's child.

A step child should be part of your family in the same way that your biological children are. If you can't do this, or don't want to do this, you should have found a man who didn't already have children. It's not the child's fault that her parents split up, and all the adults in her life need to make sure she can do the things she would be doing if she weren't already having to split her time between two houses.

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 19:36

pphammer · 28/11/2023 18:56

Not your daughter. Not your problem

This is a vile attitude.

If you don't want someone else's child to become your problem, don't get involved with a man who has children.

If you choose a man who has children, it's shitty to dump his children in it just because you prefer your biological children (and who wouldn't prefer their own biological children?)

MuckyElbows · 28/11/2023 19:37

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 19:33

I'm going to be the outlier here and say that if you don't want to do this stuff, you shouldn't take on someone else's child.

A step child should be part of your family in the same way that your biological children are. If you can't do this, or don't want to do this, you should have found a man who didn't already have children. It's not the child's fault that her parents split up, and all the adults in her life need to make sure she can do the things she would be doing if she weren't already having to split her time between two houses.

If she wasnt splitting her time between two families she wouldnt be able to go at all would she? As both her parents work on Saturdays!!

say NO op. You don’t need to give a reason, just say no.

Tomelette · 28/11/2023 19:37

OP isn't dumping his children in it.

Their mum is doing that.

pphammer · 28/11/2023 19:39

Not really.

Mum and dad should be able to agree child arrangements between them and not just impose a situation to sm

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 19:41

Tomelette · 28/11/2023 19:37

OP isn't dumping his children in it.

Their mum is doing that.

It's all semantics.

At the centre of this is a child who has three adults in her life who are all being unreasonable.

OP is the one who isn't working on Saturdays. Given that she chose a man who had a daughter already, and chose to have more children with him, she is the one who needs to facilitate the child's hobby.

Maybe if the DD's mum and dad had stayed together, she wouldn't have been able to do this hobby on Saturdays. But maybe if they had stayed together, her mum and dad would have found a way to make it work.

Her mum and dad are not exactly going to co-operate when they are scoring points off one another, so that's already a crap situation for the child. OP chose to come into the life of a child, so she can't now say she's bowing out of the bit she can't be bothered with.

If the OP didn't want to adapt her weekends to suit an unrelated child, she shouldn't have married a man with a daughter.

cocoloco23 · 28/11/2023 19:42

Haven’t RTFT but couldn’t see this mentioned in OP’s responses - apologies if this has already been raised…

Even if you don’t agree to taking DSD to her activity, are parents expecting you to look after her on the Saturdays she’s meant to see her dad? If he’s at work all day, are they expecting this to fall on you..?

Lorijune · 28/11/2023 19:43

It’s not unreasonable and you are within your rights to say no to taking on this commitment. I like the saying ‘you are free to make your own choices, but you’re not free from the consequences of your choices.’ Will your step daughter feel she’s been treated less favourably? How will that impact on her relationship with you and her dad? Tricky one to balance. My only other thought is can you make friends with the other mums and share the burden of lifts to this hobby? Good luck.

Backagain23 · 28/11/2023 19:45

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 19:33

I'm going to be the outlier here and say that if you don't want to do this stuff, you shouldn't take on someone else's child.

A step child should be part of your family in the same way that your biological children are. If you can't do this, or don't want to do this, you should have found a man who didn't already have children. It's not the child's fault that her parents split up, and all the adults in her life need to make sure she can do the things she would be doing if she weren't already having to split her time between two houses.

How about the parents shouldn't have had a child if they didn't want to do this stuff?
Why should this be dumped at the door of the next closest adult?
It's not OPs DCs fault that their fathers ex got a new job - why should their time with their mum be commandeered in this way?

IGotItFromAgnes · 28/11/2023 19:46

OP is the one who isn't working on Saturdays. Given that she chose a man who had a daughter already, and chose to have more children with him, she is the one who needs to facilitate the child's hobby.

No. That’s on whoever agreed the child could do the hobby on Saturday - which I assume wasn’t the OP? Unless the OP was asked at the time if she could cover, this is on the person changing the arrangements.

Codlingmoths · 28/11/2023 19:46

notameangirlhun · 28/11/2023 17:56

I agree.

It is arrogant of the mother to assume you would do it OP.

I also think it is arrogant of your DH to leave 12 days a fortnight of childcare to his ex.

I’d guarantee that he didn’t run his work schedule by his ex before deciding to parent so little.

Your DSD has two parents. They both have the responsibility to provide childcare for her, including taking her to her hobbies.

I cannot believe so many posters are piling on the mum when OP’s DH takes so little responsibility for his child.

Show quote history

I was firm up the thread that op shouldn’t do it but I feel this way too. If my Dh were mad at her, I’d say you know I feel for her. Here you are having children with two different women and you can work whenever you like as you have had me and her taking on all of your parenting responsibilities. I don’t blame her for thinking I’ve got this job opportunity, I’m not married to this man anymore, he can work Saturday, why can’t I? He can step up for a change. I am cross she thinks I can step up for you which I won’t, but partly sympathetic that she thinks that because it’s so unrealistic that you actually would, could you please think hard about this. Parents rearrange their life all the time for their children, and you aren’t exempt from this.

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 19:56

*It's not OPs DCs fault that their fathers ex got a new job - why should their time with their mum be commandeered in this way?

Because their mum is the one who put them in this position by having children with a man who already has a child. She chose this.

@IGotItFromAgnes, I agree in principle. However, two separated/divorced parents are basically going to be selfish and point-scoring, and will put that ahead of their child's needs. If they had stayed together, either they would have made her hobby work, or they would have come to a joint decision that it wasn't possible because they both have to work (though where the child would go on Saturdays, goodness knows).

Children of divorced parents have enough crap to cope with as it is, and a step-parent should be sensitive to this. That's what you sign up for. If you don't want to sign up for this, find a man who has no children.

Backagain23 · 28/11/2023 19:57

OP is the one who isn't working on Saturdays. Given that she chose a man who had a daughter already, and chose to have more children with him, she is the one who needs to facilitate the child's hobby
She chose a man and to have children but I'm not seeing where she agreed to be at the mans ex's beck and call to the detriment of her own children.
The entitlement is outrageous.

Backagain23 · 28/11/2023 20:00

Because their mum is the one who put them in this position by having children with a man who already has a child. She chose this
The DSC mum chose to have her during a relationship she couldn't sustain.
She chose to sign her up for a commitment on the he day she has her child.
She then chose to work that day instead.
She put her own child in this position.
She chose this.
She doesn't get to dictate another woman's life.

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 20:02

Backagain23 · 28/11/2023 19:57

OP is the one who isn't working on Saturdays. Given that she chose a man who had a daughter already, and chose to have more children with him, she is the one who needs to facilitate the child's hobby
She chose a man and to have children but I'm not seeing where she agreed to be at the mans ex's beck and call to the detriment of her own children.
The entitlement is outrageous.

She agreed when she chose a man who has a daughter, and when it must have been clear to her that that her husband worked on Saturdays and that his ex wife might well end up doing the same. It's not about what the man wants: it's about what is best for the child.

If the ex wife weren't working, there would presumably be a ranty post about how she doesn't work hard enough and expects her ex husband to fund her.

Tomelette · 28/11/2023 20:04

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 19:56

*It's not OPs DCs fault that their fathers ex got a new job - why should their time with their mum be commandeered in this way?

Because their mum is the one who put them in this position by having children with a man who already has a child. She chose this.

@IGotItFromAgnes, I agree in principle. However, two separated/divorced parents are basically going to be selfish and point-scoring, and will put that ahead of their child's needs. If they had stayed together, either they would have made her hobby work, or they would have come to a joint decision that it wasn't possible because they both have to work (though where the child would go on Saturdays, goodness knows).

Children of divorced parents have enough crap to cope with as it is, and a step-parent should be sensitive to this. That's what you sign up for. If you don't want to sign up for this, find a man who has no children.

This is absolute manipulative bollocks and I completely disagree with you.

beedayuser · 28/11/2023 20:04

Backagain23 · 28/11/2023 20:00

Because their mum is the one who put them in this position by having children with a man who already has a child. She chose this
The DSC mum chose to have her during a relationship she couldn't sustain.
She chose to sign her up for a commitment on the he day she has her child.
She then chose to work that day instead.
She put her own child in this position.
She chose this.
She doesn't get to dictate another woman's life.

I agree that both biological parents are being unreasonable.

However, the OP chose to come into this family, and part of that involves mopping up the mess left by both parents, for the sake of the child.

If you don't want to do this, don't become a step parent.