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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my aunt is a major CF?

104 replies

Olieli3 · 27/11/2023 10:34

I'm 4 weeks post major surgery, not yet well enough to return to work. I've got primary age DC and a toddler so health aside my free time is limited as it is.

TLDR: This morning my aunt has called me and had a massive go at me for not going to see her.

We last spoke about 2 weeks ago and was on the phone for almost an hour catching up. I missed her call last week as I was in the middle of dinner but did send a text to follow up which she didn't respond to. She left a shitty voicemail which I haven't listened to but she relayed the context today.

So today she calls and I answered, within 30 seconds of being on the phone she's having a go at me for not going to see her and demanding to know whether I "want to know her or not"

Confused and hurt, I explained I still don't have my full mobility and the children mean I don't have much free time as it is.

On she goes, moaning at me.

I hung up.

It's not just me is it, this is really out of line?

OP posts:
wuvoobee · 27/11/2023 10:39

She's out of line!

Has she always been this bossy and demanding and maybe you haven't noticed it so much? Now you have problems of your own and can't pander to her 24/7, it's highlighting her selfishness.

heldinadream · 27/11/2023 10:40

Is she normally like this? She sounds self-centred at best, at worst a raging narcissist.
You've done nothing wrong that I can see. Does she ever come and see you? Has she asked after your health post-op?
Heal well OP and stop worrying about her I suggest. Flowers

Original poster
Olieli3 · 27/11/2023 10:42

She has always been a tad demanding of families time but not usually so 'harsh' with it if that makes sense?

When we last spoke on the phone I said we'd catch up before Christmas and I would have made an effort to do that, but we're still 4 weeks out 😔 it was just yesterday I was pondering what to buy for her.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 27/11/2023 10:45

What age is she and does she have her own DC ?

Definitely out of order, but if she is elderly and has no other support or visitors, she is probably overly dependent on your contact.

Theforeverhome · 27/11/2023 10:46

I don’t think you are out of line given the circumstances. If she is a lonely elderly aunt with no other family, I might be prepared to give her a bit of slack, after reiterating the reasons you have not been to see her, otherwise I’d give her a swerve.

heldinadream · 27/11/2023 10:47

What's the backstory? Have you been in a position in the past to indulge her demandingness? If so and that's what she's like she just might not get it now that YOU have needs and problems to, so it might be time to tighten up your boundaries and be clear with her. Otherwise this could get worse.
Not understanding that you've just had major surgery and are not available at the mo is dangerously self-involved on her part.

Original poster
Olieli3 · 27/11/2023 10:47

She's 66, no children of her own.

She has siblings that she sees fairly regularly and an on/off partner who she treats like crap who can't do enough for her.

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 27/11/2023 10:48

Did she come to see you after your op or send a card etc? Does she prioritise you? I suspect not!
You need to set boundaries, tell her you can't move properly and you need to rest, she can visit you but will need to help out

heldinadream · 27/11/2023 10:49

Ah well the bit you've crossed out speaks volumes OP.
Push back time I reckon.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/11/2023 10:51

It is out of line but is there a reason for it? People often behave like arses when they're frightened or in pain.

Of course, people can act like arses anyway.

pinguins · 27/11/2023 10:51

Is she diagnosed with a personality disorder? "Go away/don't leave" comes to mind.

Penguinfeet24 · 27/11/2023 10:52

She's a dick, ignore her.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2023 10:54

I'd be taking a massive step back from this harpy. Don't allow her to blight your Christmas with your kids. She needs to know very clearly that behaviour like that has consequences.

KohlaParasaurus · 27/11/2023 10:56

What hold does this aunt have over you?

BarbaraCadabra · 27/11/2023 10:57

Beware the person who takes great offence at you needing to give your own issues time and attention.

Grey rock the fuck out of her.

Original poster
Olieli3 · 27/11/2023 10:59

heldinadream · 27/11/2023 10:47

What's the backstory? Have you been in a position in the past to indulge her demandingness? If so and that's what she's like she just might not get it now that YOU have needs and problems to, so it might be time to tighten up your boundaries and be clear with her. Otherwise this could get worse.
Not understanding that you've just had major surgery and are not available at the mo is dangerously self-involved on her part.

There is loads of history to be honest.

She has MH problems and pre children I would try to do as much as I could for her but circumstances have meant I'm not able to do as much these days and she is resentful about it.

There are so many examples of her being demanding but to name a few;

When I was on crutches from SPD, asking me to travel across the city via 2 busses and a tube to have a look at her printer or paint her a feature wall / upcycle a cabinet.

Asking me to do endless admin for her when I had a newborn and was sleep deprived.

Asking me to go to the cash point for her when I'm in the process of miscarrying.

She is completely ignorant to anything that anybody else has going on in their lives and wants to be the centre of attention.

She isn't without people who support her though. This is just how she is, so much so other family members have had to instil firm boundaries, which she respects, but she just takes the piss with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olieli3 · 27/11/2023 11:01

KohlaParasaurus · 27/11/2023 10:56

What hold does this aunt have over you?

Fear, to be honest. She can be really malicious to people she supposedly cares about if she feels wronged by them. Her partner is a lovely man and she has been vile to him.

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 27/11/2023 11:02

I can’t imagine she’ll be much missed, good riddance

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2023 11:04

Time to make some huge changes in how you manage your relationship with her, op. She can only take advantage of you and abuse you if you allow it. I'd be telling her that if she refuses to treat you respectfully, she'll no longer be a part of your life.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/11/2023 11:05

“This is just how she is, so much so other family members have had to instil firm boundaries, which she respects, but she just takes the piss with me.”

Time for you to have firm boundaries then!! She’s cruel but you aren’t putting her in her place so she keeps acting the same indulgent way… You have kids would you allow your kids to be that mean?

Member984815 · 27/11/2023 11:07

Put yourself first, I had one of these was younger had kids and dh but I found more and more that she was cycling through different dramas to draw me away from my own family and wanted constant support . didn't like me spending time with others including my own family. I drew way back and am now no contact . I've less stress and my time is my own now.

Lucytheloose · 27/11/2023 11:09

Next time she asks 'do you want to know me', say no.

HelplessSoul · 27/11/2023 11:11

Lucytheloose · 27/11/2023 11:09

Next time she asks 'do you want to know me', say no.

....and tell her to fuck off as well!

rookiemere · 27/11/2023 11:13

Olieli3 · 27/11/2023 10:47

She's 66, no children of her own.

She has siblings that she sees fairly regularly and an on/off partner who she treats like crap who can't do enough for her.

Gosh I thought she was a wee old lady and was prepared to cut her some slack because of that. At 66 - no I don't think so.

IWIllDoItNowInAMinute · 27/11/2023 11:14

She sounds like my Aunt.
The only way I could deal with her in the end was NC. She was so demanding. It came to an end when I became quite ill and she behaved just like your Aunt. It was the last straw for me. Life is so much better without her trying to control every aspect of it. She also is the malicious type if she feels wronged. She did a smear campaign against me, but I view it as she did me a favour because it showed me who cared and who didn’t. Don’t keep her in your life because of fear of what she might do. Life is too short to put up with the stress that people like this cause.

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