To think my aunt is a major CF?

[Olieli3]

I'm 4 weeks post major surgery, not yet well enough to return to work. I've got primary age DC and a toddler so health aside my free time is limited as it is.

TLDR: This morning my aunt has called me and had a massive go at me for not going to see her.

We last spoke about 2 weeks ago and was on the phone for almost an hour catching up. I missed her call last week as I was in the middle of dinner but did send a text to follow up which she didn't respond to. She left a shitty voicemail which I haven't listened to but she relayed the context today.

So today she calls and I answered, within 30 seconds of being on the phone she's having a go at me for not going to see her and demanding to know whether I "want to know her or not"

Confused and hurt, I explained I still don't have my full mobility and the children mean I don't have much free time as it is.

On she goes, moaning at me.

I hung up.

It's not just me is it, this is really out of line?

You clearly know she's being 'out of line' and you also know that she's been repeatedly out of line countless times in the past.

You're not powerless here. I would literally have stopped speaking to this woman about a decade ago, in your position.

Yes, there is a small chance she will somehow report you for benefit fraud or phone social services, but I guarantee you that nothing will come of it. You may, at most, have to answer a few questions, which may be mildly stressful, but actually a lot less stressful than having this horrible old cow in your life for the next 20-odd years.

And I do think never unblocking her is the key. My aunt is furious that I have blocked her (see previous post at 11.49am). I told her I had had enough of her manipulation and nastiness about other people and towards me and would not be returning and blocked her when I left. She has since told me cousin, who lives 300 miles away, that she 'rings me every hour on the hour' and can't understand how she can't contact me- says I 'must be busy' and she has no idea why I am upset by her behaviour.

They NEVER change.

So you are basically only having anything to do with this woman because you are frightened of what she might do otherwise - that’s bonkers!

I never understand these types of dynamics in families - she’s not even a close relative but an aunt- let your dm deal with her.

I just wouldn’t entertain having someone so cold in my life - and I wouldn’t give a shot about what she might do either- other people will have the measure of her and know how nasty she is, that’ll be why she’s lonely and going to extreme measures to garner attention and sympathy. Just don’t have anything to do with her any more - simple. To think she can get u in trouble with SS etc is ridiculous- even if she tried they’d suss her out in a minute especially given her history of trying to get other pet into trouble. I’d honestly contact the police if she started getting seriously slanderous.

Sounds just like my mother!!

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread to meet souls with similar experiences.

People who behave like that have no idea how hard work they are.

Yes, they do. Their behaviour is intentional.

@Olieli3 I wouldn't give your aunt any ammunition at all, she could 'misconstrue' even a bouquet of flowers, let alone a cheerio message. You'll not do right whatever you do so you're better to leave her to stew in her own juices.

You'll be aware that she'll not take being ignored lying down so you can prepare yourself not to react how she'll want you to react. But meantime enjoy the peace and concentrate on your recovery

I haven't always pondered to her unreasonable demands no, but I did used to make more of an effort to see her and help her with bits and pieces before I had children.

Actually, even after I had DC1 I would do quite a lot for her but once I had two DC (and DS1 was diagnosed with autism) I had less and less time / ability to just pop across the city at short notice.

I don't know why I've let it get to this stage to be honest as it's not the first time she has turned on me for some perceived slight. A couple of years ago she told me it was my fault she stopped taking her meds and ended up in hospital because, again, it coincided with me being ill.

Then earlier on this year out of nowhere she went around telling people I've burgled her. That accusation was made when she was off her meds so I didn't hold it against her but now this..

Alot of people would go NC for the false allegation alone.

PP asking whether some of her behaviour is as a result of her MH problems.. I think the more extreme examples yes, although she has always been a very entitled person even when she's completely mentally well.

I think if it weren't for her having MH problems I would have thought fuck this and kept her blocked years ago but a part of me feels sorry for her and has empathy about the MH problems.

As Bertie Wooster observed, "Aunts aren't Gentlemen".

She is not your responsibility.

Lol. Or you could just not answer that question OP and let her work it out. If she has a partner there then you know she has help at hand if she needs it.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. “I’m sorry but I’m not prepared to be spoken to and treated like this so I’m going to end this call.” EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then when she manages a nice phone call lots of positive reinforcement, telling her how nice it’s been to chat etc. She’ll soon get the message and hopefully will change her behaviour. If she can’t then you know you’ve done everything in your power to support her and given her chances to change how she interacts with you and can lessen or cut contact guilt free.

Two can play at that game.

I will say that I'm posting this having only read the opening post (I will go back and read the rest of the thread) but here is my advice.

After you hung up, she was probably taken aback that any one would dare hang up on her.
So I would give it a couple of hours and phone her back and have a go at her for her complete lack of empathy towards you and your recent procedure. She might be your aunt but does that mean that her sympathy bone was removed at an early age? Drive the message home that streets and phones work in two directions and she hasn't once asked after you or asked you how you're doing or offered to help at all. Don't give her an opportunity to come up for air. Lay it on thick and say that you're disgusted that someone you thought so highly of in the family could be so self centred and all "Me me me me me!". Then say that you're going to give her time to mull over what you've said and you expect a full and heartfelt apology for her earlier behaviour towards you or your calls and messages will stop with immediate effect. Then hang up again.

See if that would change her behaviour.

You can’t placate a person like this—all your people pleasing acts are like pouring water into the desert—they evaporate immediately. Its good that you blocked her. Don’t ever unblock her! That is intermittent reinforcement and it will cause her to ramp up again. This is more like animal training than it is like a negotiation. If you can keep ignoring her that is best. If you can’t then move to behavioral methods. Take longer and longer to reply. Never say yes to any of her requests. Tell her you will hang up the phone if she is rude, or abusive, or begins to complain “Sorry, Aunt, but you know I won’t listen to your grievances. We will talk again in three minths!” Then ring off cheerily. She will try to hurt you but she will do it at some point no matter how good you are to her—or how submissive. These are tactics to avoid thecwar but they will ultimately fail. Cutting her off is safest.

What is stopping her from coming to see you apart from her ego?

You've got mobility issues, so her potentially having a mobility issue is not relevant in this case.

Ignore. And distance. She is a toxic force in your life. You don't have to deal with her. Let her have a hissy fit.

Make sure your house is ready for a social services visit at all times.

Having read the whole thread - please disregard my earlier advice.

It would be much better to placate her with a message like what @User1775 suggested. Polite, no wiggle room to turn it around on you and you get to block her number afterwards.

If she wasn't as nasty an individual as you've posted, I would do what I suggested earlier but that could backfire. You could always have it as a Plan B if the gently gently approach doesn't work.

Bless you. Try to be firm. There’s nothing wrong with helping out or visiting her and I’m not one to say go NC but in your case I would really limit how much time you spend with her. If you say you can’t do something because you’re busy or because you’re poorly, then that needs to be the end of it. She knows you’re afraid of her and she’s taking advantage but you need to take some responsibility for letting her (don’t mean this in a harsh way). Hope you recover soon.

Surely she should be the one helping you here??!

I think all you can do is put some boundaries in place. Every time she kicks off, tell her you will end the call if she doesn't stop - and do it.

You are never going to change her, so all you can do is change the way you react to her.

I have had MH problems, and asked for support from people. But this is different.

The Aunt is trading on her MH problems, as if it gives her a free pass to do what she wants. You are right to set and enforce boundaries.

You know you are allowed to prioritise yourself and your own family don’t you? If she’s a toxic drain then take a massive step back and let her leech off of someone else.

Jesus Christ. Op I won’t be reading more as from this it is VERY clear you need to put yourself first for once. My own elderly grandmother wouldn’t expect this of me or anyone and this aunt doesn’t actually care about you does she? She uses you. Stop letting her! Stop allowing someone else to upset and abuse you. She IS abusive.

Asking me to go to the cash point for her when I'm in the process of miscarrying

She is absolutely horrible. Stop being afraid of her. Contact her if and when you want to (I wouldn’t and I really don’t understand why you want to know someone like this) and put the phone down if she starts up her nonsense.

Well done for blocking and don’t worry too much about malicious reports. She’s obviously made so many in the past that you can point out, and any such report about you won’t go far anyway.
Hopefully your eyes have been properly opened now and you’ll stop feeling sorry for her.

My mum has severe MH problems and so I understand the hold they have on you and the guilt they can make you feel.
My mum has little support and it can be very difficult to just cut her off.

But I decided I wasn’t going to be treated by her, any worse than what I would allow anyone else to treat me.

So if she phoned me up being rude and shouting at me to come and see her, then I’d tell her to stop being so rude and put the phone down.
Then when she tried calling back I’d ignore it and then when the abusive texts came through I’d just reply that I won’t be speaking to her until she acts appropriately.

I literally treat her like a child.
When she does good I will speak to her and see her.
When she is nasty and does bad, then I won’t speak to her until she’s calmed down.
Its surprising how quickly someone will change after they know you won’t tolerate being treated like shit.

This woman is a nasty piece of work.
Yes there may be MH issues, but that doesn’t mean she is allowed to treat people like this.
I bet she’s all sweet to her colleagues or strangers.

Think to yourself - would you let a partner or friend or even a stranger, treat you like this.

You need to start putting your foot down and telling her that you won’t be spoken to like that.
You are busy and when she gets shitty then say I won’t bother coming at all if you’re going to be like that.

Some people will treat other people like shit, just because they can get away with it.

Nick Martin on YouTube does lovely readings of Jeeves and Wooster, no ads, no music and mostly under an hour. Fab.

I suspect that if your aunt has a history of making malicious allegations against people, your local police, social services etc all have her on a list of people that they won't take seriously in the absence of corroboration. So I wouldn't worry too much about her capacity to try to stir up trouble against you.

In fact, is it worth contacting her doctor and others to assess whether she actually has capacity to live on her own and make rational decisions in her own best interests?