To think my aunt is a major CF?

[Olieli3]

I'm 4 weeks post major surgery, not yet well enough to return to work. I've got primary age DC and a toddler so health aside my free time is limited as it is.

TLDR: This morning my aunt has called me and had a massive go at me for not going to see her.

We last spoke about 2 weeks ago and was on the phone for almost an hour catching up. I missed her call last week as I was in the middle of dinner but did send a text to follow up which she didn't respond to. She left a shitty voicemail which I haven't listened to but she relayed the context today.

So today she calls and I answered, within 30 seconds of being on the phone she's having a go at me for not going to see her and demanding to know whether I "want to know her or not"

Confused and hurt, I explained I still don't have my full mobility and the children mean I don't have much free time as it is.

On she goes, moaning at me.

I hung up.

It's not just me is it, this is really out of line?

Well I wouldn’t contact the nasty bitch anymore.

Easy decision.

she’s 66 not 96. She sounds like a bloody vampire.

But what, realistically, can she do to you? Does she have contacts in the local mafia?

This is just how she is, so much so other family members have had to instil firm boundaries, which she respects, but she just takes the piss with me.

Do you know why you let her do this to you, OP? Why did you feel you couldn't instil firm boundaries? I do think they are long overdue, and you should distance yourself from this woman.

Thank you all for your replies. They have given me the push to block her number as she has just tried to call me again.

This isn't the first time I've blocked her but I think it'll have to be the last as I don't have the bandwidth to continue dealing with her and her endless dramas. She can be truly awful.

I was in hospital with postpartum sepsis in 2019 after having DD and we were in the high dependency ward. My mum had DS so that now-DH could be at the hospital with us and tend to DD as I was too weak to lift her. My aunt was blowing up my phone then insisting DH goes home so mum could give DS back and go and see her instead.

Writing all of this down really hammers home how bloody awful she has been every time I have something going on in my own life.

IWIllDoItNowInAMinute Oh dear I'm sorry you can relate so closely, it's a nightmare isn't it? Well done on going NC I bet it feels absolutely marvellous!

You need a good book on setting boundaries, OP. This needs to be sorted now. You'll run yourself ragged trying to indulge this CF and run your own life.

Boundaries aren't cruel. They are absolutely necessary for your wellbeing.

I used to be boundaryless and I am changing. I have made so much more money this year because I've stopped letting demanding family narcs and alcoholics use up my time on the phone. I am WFH freelance and I'm afraid I've indulged them in the past to the detriment of my finances.

It feels good to have boundaries!

Just ignore or temporarily block her until you're ready, you have no obligation to an old spinster aunt unless she's minted and put you in her will and you might need to make a little effort just in case.

Fortunately not 😁

I'm worried about things like malicious reports. She tried to have her on/off partner evicted from his home by making a load of nonsense reports, reported him for tax evasion (which he wasn't committing) etc.

She knows my weakness is my children so I wouldn't put it past her to make a false report to social services, or accuse me of benefit fraud or whatever else.

Ofc it's all easily disproven but the stress it would bring.. not good.

She’s only an aunt why does she have any power in your adult life at all?

Why on earth are you afraid of her? You’re an adult, block her from your life if she frightens you.

You know she's being beyond ridiculous, OP, you don't need to ask us.

Many years ago my mother, who lived about 60 miles from me, was dying, I had a toddler and had just been discharged from hospital following a mid-trimester miscarriage. My godmother phoned me to have a go at me for not being at my mother's house caring for her.

We 'had words' and never spoke again. I didn't care. Well, maybe a bit when my sister inherited from her instead of me, but hey ho.

Regarding boundaries - I've always struggled with setting them as I'm a huge people pleaser, but I have made progress with it (still a work in progress though)

I've just discovered how to turn my voicemail box off, happy days! That'll put an end to the voicemails.

Except she might just be the sort of person who would allow you to think you might be a beneficiary when all the time her will stipulates leaving everything to the local donkey sanctuary.

Yeah, she might do something like that. But even the fact that you know she might should bolster your determination to get her out of your life once and for all. Only someone truly evil would be so wilfully nasty and vengeful. Ride it out, and enjoy the calm waters on the other side.

MIght it help to spell out the issues?
Dear Aunt, I can only imagine you were joking when suggested I should visit/ do x for you.
As you know, but might not have appreciated the severity, I am still recovering from major surgery. I need a lot of support right now just to get through the day and keep [childrens names] safe and fed] .
I wonder if you might be able help me by fetching my shopping/ doing some cleaning for me/taking DC to the park next week? Let me know what suits.
If she then doesn't offer help to reciprocate what you have already done for her, next time she asks you for anything you can say No with a very clear conscience.

She maliciously and lying reported her own partner?
Fucking hell that's grade a batshit.
No loss to your life, none. Cut thee loose OP!

Dear Aunt, I was shocked with your outburst. To answer your question as to whether I want to know you or not... Well I've given it a great deal of thought and have decided to prioritise my own family and health. I wish you all the best. There is no need to contact me or other family members about this private matter as you've made your feelings clear as have I. If yourself or anyone else in the family needs further clarification on this matter, please put in writing, you have my address. oOtherwise I will seek further advice.

She's really got nothing to say after that and you've claimed all the power with a sprinkle of embarrassment just for her!

She did yes 😔

They were "off" at the time and it caused him so much stress that at his age (over 70) that he really didn't need.

That's what she does when she goes on one, somebody (usually close to her) becomes a target and she does all of those horrible things. It's clearly my turn, again.

She even targeted her downstairs neighbour after deciding that she doesn't deserve her 2/3 bed council flat as she lived alone. The hypocrisy of she herself living alone in a 3 bed council flat escaped her.

She's so self righteous and malicious.

Not all of the time, she can be very nice on occasion, but God help anybody she gets a bee in her bonnet about.

I have a 92 year old aunt who has always been like this and who caused no end of trouble for my dad's brother over the years by falling out with every member of his family. When he died a couple of years ago and she was left alone, I helped her but she just began the same behaviours again. I was doing her shopping, changing her bedding and washing and ironing it, taking her out to lunch/for coffee, to all her medical appointments, dentist, sorting out all her admin, house issues. She was expecting me to drive across to do whatever she wanted immediately- even filling a salt cellar. I work full-time, have 3 small DC and a DH. She complained continually and I managed for a while to maintain some distance while still helping her but she went completely over the top a couple of months ago with nasty remarks and I have just stopped.

People who behave like that have no idea how hard work they are.

So did you do all of that?

Why haven't you got firm boundaries with her?

Classic narcissist. As soon as they think the attention is on anyone else (even if it's for something awful like illness), they kick off to try to get it back on them. I bet she's the biggest wailer at funerals of strangers, with the actually bereaved people comforting her.

I'd get back to her by text
"I've been thinking about our conversation and your question as to whether I want to spend time with you, given your behaviour I really think that it is best if I focus on my children for now. Take care"

Then leave her be.

Yes, something like this.

Report her to 102 if she attempts any malicious behaviour.

Tell the police of her previous behaviour.

See how she enjoys a call from them.

Never ever unblock her.

She is vile and unhinged.

No one needs anyone like that in their lives.

Beware of flying monkeys like other members of your family telling you to be kind.

Do not allow them to speak to you about her.

Do her MH issues play a part? DH has a 'difficult' relative but other members of the family make allowances because their MH issues mean there are certain aspects of their behaviour that are outwith their control.
You obviously don't like her, OP. So cut contact.
And work on your own boundaries.
But, it might also be worth noting that there are a number of posters on this thread taking great delight in using sexist and derogatory terms for women against your relative. They're not really the type of support you want or need.

id have cut her out at the post I was in hospital seriously ill and she was starting her self serving pity drama

tell her reports to social services and the council are a two way street, any malicious reports will be retaliated, so its up to her whether she wants to start a family war and split with her suffering possibly more than anyone else. Bullys are cowards deep down and being threatened with her own style of treatment will stop her silly reports as she will not know whats coming back to her

Ring her back and say ‘I have just been thinking and YOU haven’t come to see ME either, what are you going to say about that?’

And then say nothing.