To think my aunt is a major CF?

[Olieli3]

I'm 4 weeks post major surgery, not yet well enough to return to work. I've got primary age DC and a toddler so health aside my free time is limited as it is.

TLDR: This morning my aunt has called me and had a massive go at me for not going to see her.

We last spoke about 2 weeks ago and was on the phone for almost an hour catching up. I missed her call last week as I was in the middle of dinner but did send a text to follow up which she didn't respond to. She left a shitty voicemail which I haven't listened to but she relayed the context today.

So today she calls and I answered, within 30 seconds of being on the phone she's having a go at me for not going to see her and demanding to know whether I "want to know her or not"

Confused and hurt, I explained I still don't have my full mobility and the children mean I don't have much free time as it is.

On she goes, moaning at me.

I hung up.

It's not just me is it, this is really out of line?

Wow, she’s a cunt.

A cunt who will die alone.

I'm definitely keeping her blocked. Thank you all for your perspectives, it really helps to hear it from unbiased people.

I have put up with and forgiven so much on account of her MH problems, you'd all think I was mad not to have cut her off years ago if I listed it all..so I think I can walk away with a clear conscience now.

I've been conditioned to make allowances and excuses for her all of my life but that's her lot now, she can direct her shit elsewhere.

I was on the fence as to whether or not to send her a final text as I saw some v good messages up thread, but I think I'll leave it as she'll only misconstrue whatever I send.

In fact, is it worth contacting her doctor and others to assess whether she actually has capacity to live on her own and make rational decisions in her own best interests?

This kind of suggestion turns up a lot, often on threads featuring older, rather than younger, people. You can't just ask her doctor to assess her capacity! I believe her Nearest Relative (technical term) may be able to. On some threads, often on the Elderly Parents board, the posters would seem to have a point that capacity has been lost to some extent, and are frantic as to how to get an assessment done.

It's about individual freedom.

I'm currently going through something very similar. Only I look after the person. I am not well myself and have to have an operation just after Christmas. She doesn't know,due to circumstances,it wouldn't be in the right interest to tell her,but this is where you have to think of yourself and look after your own health. People do act selfish,as though others do not suffer.
I would advise that you draw back on her while you sort yourself and your needs out.
She will probably be mardy,but just ignore it if you can.
People should learn that they aren't the only ones going through things in their lives.
I wish you all the best,and please take care. Don't overdo things.
Look after yourself and your family 1st and foremost.

She has had some recent hospital admissions where her capacity will have been assessed, as in whether she should be in hospital or not, but I think it's much harder to assess with a view to long term housing as once she starts taking her tablets again and is stable she's fine and has full capacity.

I've been round in circles with the MH team about her for years but I don't have much authority as I'm not NOK. All I can do is let them know when she's presenting as ill again and then it's months of disturbing behaviour before they get the nod to admit her.

Thank you Foxy, I'm sorry you're not well at the moment and I hope your upcoming op and recovery goes as smoothly as possible. For me, having the op and going through recovery has prompted me to look at just how little I usually put myself first, and it has been cathartic to take some power back and say "no" when I need to. I wish you the very best too x

Ask her what is really making her need you to drop everything when you are unwell and whether she would consider coming to you. Does she have cognitive problems herself?

She does have MH problems, nothing mobility wise.

I moved a couple of months before my op and haven't given her my new address due to how she behaved at my last place, making a scene and swearing at my neighbours.

If it weren't for the abuse she gave me over the phone I'd have happily met her somewhere neutral or visited her at her place in a few weeks when I can get about a bit easier.

Olieli3, you sound so lovely.
What strikes me is that nearly all the replies to you have been sympathetic, showing that complete strangers care more about your feelings than your Aunt does.
I do understand as I'm a people pleaser too.My Mum was worse than me, It really annoys me trying to pacify horrible people, but it was drummed into me as a child !
Anyway take care, hope you recover well, try not to let it upset you too much and take a big step back from her She's so unreasonable.
Wishing you all the best 💐💐

Distance yourself from her. We all play a role in families and some are unwelcome, like being the one who takes all the flack, is burdened by everyone else and gets no gratitude. I think your aunt has burdened you with that role. Don't allow it. Reinvent yourself as someone who doesn't take any nonsense and who will do her fair share but no more ( and it sounds like you've already gone above and beyond that). People will respect you more although it won't seem like it at first. People who take the full burden of family end up ill themselves often with chronic illnesses. Listen to Gabor Mate on YouTube speaking about roles and illness, he explains this quite well.

66?! I thought you were going to say she's 96 and housebound! (and you still wnbu)

Completely ignore her. Preferably for ever. She apparently adds nothing to your life.

Tell whichever parent is her sibling what she's done and let them rip her a new one. Selfish twunt.

Delete the message without listening to it. There's no point, it's a load of shite.

I think your aunt shows masses of narcistic behaviour, meaning "it's all about me, myself and I". My advice is not to gó away but to run! Race! And never look back.

My DH aunt is like this. Always moaning that she never sees us and we are keeping our kids from her. She lives a 10 min walk away and still hasn’t been round to see our ‘new house’ having been in it now for 7 years. She is fully mobile and only 67 years old. We are very busy, both in full time job, DH is a football coach and our kids do football and basketball. We don’t get much time off at all. We get accused of keeping busy on purpose, we are never free, we are selfish etc, yet not once has she asked to come and see us or the kids because we would make time. I haven’t spoken to her for over 2 years after she commented on my parenting in front of DH family and she wrapped up and gifted me a used tea towel and a year out of date box of biscuits for Christmas. It’s ended up with me being the issue and I plan deliberately to keep my family away from her and I’m ungrateful. Far from it as I’ve never been anything but nice to her. DH has had experience with this as she’s like this with his cousin, she picks a target, usually female, and tries to break them and humiliate them. He’s been more than supportive and we’ve carried on as normal. Not even my MIL likes to have dealings with her. From experience, crack on with your life. Your life shouldn’t revolve around people like that and tell her exactly where you stand.

OP for your own sake, block her immediately. Let her report you to SS, let her do what she pleases, keep diaries of everything and report to the police. Your own mental health is more important xx

She sounds utterly self absorbed. Tell her to get fucked.

Sounds like really weird family dynamics. Why is aunt so entitled to your time? Why are you not being supported by family? Do you need support and help in setting boundaries? Because your children are your priority. Keep it simple.

Tell her to Haul her arse from you, that’s crazy.

You need to move on with your life without her in it. Life is too short she’s a taker and will
always be that way

I agree the dynamics are weird.

She is obsessed with the idea of 'family' and wants to keep those of us who are left, close. She has clung on to me ever since I was little and I think she still sees me that way, probably compounded by the fact she doesn't have DC of her own. I'm 30 yet she talks to me like I'm a child.

I'm going NC now for good. I've done my bit and have a clear conscience.

I've just caught up with the replies thank you all so much ❤️

I have an aunt I can cope with seeing about once every two months.

She's quite bitter and says horrible things, which I can't point out because she has a tendency to start crying. So I just silently put up with it.

She can be ok though says something horrible each time I see her. I partly see her out of obligation, since she doesn't have a partner or children and my (now dead) gran would want me to.

I've been going to therapy for two years and at one point will need to stop her when she's nasty and just deal with the crying, but don't have the energy.

Are we speaking about the same aunt?

I think she’s obsessed with being controlling and dresses it up as family as they’re easier to control.

If she wants her family to stay close then she needs to learn how to treat them.

If she wants to know why you’re being so distant then tell her exactly why.

If I wasn't certain that they don't see one another I would be wondering if you were my cousin concussed

My aunt does the same. For years I've given her the benefit of doubt and resigned myself to the fact she just has shit social skills but meant well, now I'm wondering if she does it on purpose.

I've had loads of backhanded comments from her about my appearance. A particular phone call springs to mind. I was suffering from hormonal acne after having my DD and when she called she said "how's your spotty little face darling" in a faux concerned baby voice. I think I spoke about that on here actually. I was fuming about being patronised like that.

Even then, though, I just thought to myself it was just crap social awareness and no filter because "It's just how she is"

Another time she was asking how on earth I got into a pair of jeans I was wearing. Another time commenting that I'd put weight on. Another time 'joking' that I had fat arms. Another time she had the cheek to say my DS is always in the same Tshirt (she had seen him twice in 6 months!)

I've wound myself up reflecting on all of that and I keep remembering more and more examples of her being an arsehole.

The worst one is probably when she suggested I ask social services if autistic DS can spend some time in foster care so I can have a break. Who the hell says that?

I'm livid at myself for not realising who and what she is sooner but I guess it's hard to see past the FOG when you've had 25 odd years of conditioning about how she always means well interspersed with what felt like genuine affection, her saying how proud she is of me etc.

What an absolute dickhead.

About a decade ago mine noticed I'd lost weight. I'd become clinically underweight.

Her first reaction when she got to my house was to demand I get the scales so she could weigh herself in comparison. Being in my 20s (I was very depressed and going to therapy) I did. As soon as she confirmed she still weighed less she was delighted.

She's also criticised my foundation etc.

Most recently she came in my house and told me my furniture is 'horrible' and I should 'sell it on eBay' and replace it with things she likes. She looked affronted when I said I was keeping it.

These people all sound so awful!

Mind you, not surprised as I have a few of these in my own life, so I can empathise.

I am the inverse of your aunt, in that I am the aunt without children of my own (from choice in my case), but my niece and nephew love to keep in touch with long chatty phone calls because my brother and sister are aggressive alcoholics who have treated their children like crap. My niece and nephew have both turned out to be such wonderful people that I honestly don't know how they managed it with the lives they have had.

I think my own dysfunctional childhood had a lot to do with me not wanting kids of my own. I thought I'd be a crap mother, though I am now "mothering" my niece and nephew because my brother and sister both had kids before sorting out their issues.

Sorry, this thread is not about me. What I've learnt is that you will never change your aunt. She is who she is. What you need to do is draw up your boundaries and protect yourself and your family from her onslaughts. A therapist might help. There are a lot of books out there and support on the internet too.

Good luck! I know none of this is easy, but you and your family have a right to live in peace. You sound like a good person, don't let your aunt use your lovely qualities to guilt and control you.