To ask my partner to make some compromises whilst I’m pregnant?

[laminaHK]

Hello - will keep as brief as poss but interested to know your views. Happy to answer any other questions too!

I’m 17 weeks pregnant with our first child after we lost our last baby at 11 weeks pregnant late last year. We’re both absolutely over the moon.
I love my partner unbelievable amounts & know he’s going to be such a good dad. I’m glad I’ve chosen him as my life partner, he’s also my best friend.

We have an active social life and we spent a lot of our dates going out for drinks / partying before trying for a baby.

In the first trimester of this pregnancy, I felt incredibly low and awful. I was sick and had migraines constantly. I didn’t want to go out because I simply couldn’t but my mental health was on the floor and a lot of my abandonment issues resurfaced that I couldn’t seem to get a hold of (usually I know how to deal with intrusive thoughts) I also felt lonely and what I thought was jealousy of my partner being able to carry on life as normal and carry on socialising and going out etc.
I felt like a different person completely, somebody that nobody would want to spend time with because I’m so boring and miserable to be around.

Luckily in the second trimester, I am starting to feel myself again and my illnesses have subsided significantly.
I have a large group of friends and we often go out for walks or meals or chilled nights in at home these days!

However - my partner tends to go out every 2 weeks with his work friends, mostly for work events which is basically a massive piss up… I wouldn’t dream of asking him to not go out or not drink anymore because I can’t drink, but I asked if he wouldn’t mind compromising a bit.
Maybe not coming home so late, not getting so drunk & not taking anything else which I am aware he does with some colleagues and it’s not really bothered me in the past.

He thinks I’m totally unreasonable to ask him if this because he doesn’t go out all the time, it’s mostly for work & he is very supportive most of the time, so why does he have to make this compromise too.

I said it makes me feel supported that I’m not going through pregnancy alone as I have had to give up that lifestyle (and I’d do it again and again til the end of time for my baby!) and I’ve made sacrifices / compromises.

A couple of ‘compromises’ he made was that he would get a hotel and stay out on the work nights so he wouldn’t come home drunk. Didn’t feel like much of a compromise to me 😅😂

Sometimes I think he thinks I want him to not enjoy himself, which absolutely is not the case. I just asked if he could tone it down in solidarity.
If he was going out for a couple at the pub, watching football, doing other activities with friends I would not have any kind of problem at all. I encourage him to see friends as I think it’s important. The problem I keep having is why does it have to be these massive piss ups til 2am…. Surely it’s not much to ask to reel it in a bit for a while?!

AIBU?
Do I just need to accept he can still do what he wants to, it’s just part of the process?

Binge drinking a couple of times a month is fine (but not great for health or your wallet) for someone without responsibilities, but he will be a father soon. If he doesn't give up this habit now then it'll be difficult to go cold turkey when the baby is here... Unless he's planning to continue to be like this and leave you at home with a baby and stumble in at 2am. A baby won't notice but a child will quickly pick up on this. Alcohol is also expensive and the money could and should be used for the baby.

Meeting friends for a pint or two? Fine. Getting drunk like a teenager? Selfish.

Have you asked him what he intends to do when the baby comes?

I like a night out like you've described, but I don't have children. Friends of mine who do who previously enjoyed such nights definitely don't as much anymore, some of them ever.

I think reigning it in a bit if it makes you feel better is not an unreasonable ask when you're carrying his baby.

If he can't/won't tone it down now, you are in for a tough ride when the baby arrives. Because he won't then either.
And FFS who needs to take "other stuff" because it's for work?!!
What are you doing on the nights he has these "work events"?
On the face of it, once a fortnight doesn't sound too bad but it sounds like you've got separate social lives.
Will he leave you home with the baby while he gets pissed?

He is 'taking stuff? But he's going to be an amazing Dad? Are we talking pills/coke here?

I don't think YABU at all. It's pretty shoddy behaviour on his part.

If he’s unwilling to alter his lifestyle now, I’m not convinced he will do so when there’s a baby. He may be the love of your life, but I’d want him to be showing consideration to the changes you’re having to make.

He sounds awful, no matter how many wonderful qualities you attribute to him in your op. His actions and behaviour speak volumes. I am sorry.

Yes, we’ve had a few conversations over the years.
He thinks ‘life shouldn’t end when you have a child’ & you should still be able to go out on the odd occasion and get drunk. He agrees it would have to be reigned in a little once you have children, just doesn’t get why when I’m pregnant.

I somewhat agree - I don’t want to “just be a mum”, obviously some events will come up and we may have one too many, we’re human.
But honestly I would just naturally expect that this lifestyle calms down with having kids?! Don’t think I’d ever even want a hangover with babies and children relying on me the next day haha.

What 'other stuff' is he taking? Are you sure he's going to be an amazing dad?

If he admits things will change when the baby comes I don't see why he can't change them now, tbh. You're not saying he can't get drunk on occasion, you're just asking him to do it a bit less/not as drunk.

Were you trying for this baby? It sounds like either way it was on the cards at some point (very sorry for your previous loss 💐) so he's had plenty of time to get used to the idea.

If he won't make compromises now I wouldn't hold my breath for him magically changing when the baby is here.

The real reason to not have huge piss ups until 2:00 am is to make the change before becoming a father and before you are nearing the birth.

Being drunk and unable to accompany you to the birth, get you to hospital if you are unwell and be unable to care for a child. (drive, get up in the night etc).
He needs to grow up when he is responsible for another human being. No child carer is drunk. No driver is drunk.

Your husband realistically needs to modify his regular nights out for the rest of his life - and do so willingly. It is no sacrifice to behave like an adult when you have a family.

If it was just drinks once every few weeks that's fine but yeah I wouldn't like it if my husband got very, very drunk and was doing drugs. To be honest, I wouldn't tolerate this ever as I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought that was fun. He's definitely going to have to tone it down once your baby is born so why not start now?

My husband gives up alcohol when I'm pregnant. I don't ask him to. He just says it's not fair if he can have a drink with dinner at the weekend but I can't.

To add to this, I used to work with someone who was out on the piss with colleagues so late that he missed the last train home and had to sleep at the station. His phone died overnight so he missed all the calls that his wife had gone into labour 3 weeks early- by the time he'd caught up and got home he'd missed the birth, and she'd had to go through the entire thing alone and not knowing where he was (this was about 15 years ago but I often wonder if she wrote about it on mumsnet!)

Feel free to borrow that story to tell your DP, it scared me witless and I'm not having kids.

“Life shouldn’t end when you have a child” sounds suspiciously like “you’re the mother so you will change your life to accommodate the family but I don’t intend to alter mine at all”.

Of course parents still go out, my partner and I do. But your partner is already showing he is absolutely unwilling to making changes to his social life at all and I very much doubt with this attitude that he will change once the baby arrives.
Like you, before I fell pregnant, my partner and I enjoyed very active social lives, a lot of the time including alcohol and nights out. When I fell pregnant this obviously changed, and it changed for him too! He stayed home a lot more because I did and we’d arrange pregnancy friendly social activities, lunches out, invite friends for dinner etc.
Your partner is being unreasonable, it’s not an occasional night out he’s having, he’s going out once a fortnight and taking drugs. Don’t downplay that.

His drug-enhanced piss-ups are "for work"? How does that work for the parents in his workplace, or the Muslims, or...

As long as he adapts in the few weeks before the baby arrives (and afterwards of course) I don't really see the issue.

It's like saying " I've got a broken leg, so should show solidarity by not going for a run" or "I've been diagnosed with diabetes so you should show solidarity by not eating chocolate"

But I'd be having a serious talk about what 'still enjoying yourself while having a baby' means to him.

I hope your faith in his amazingness isn’t misplaced because he doesn’t sound like he’s willing to change his life at all on becoming a dad. He sounds selfish and immature. I hope you’ve got other support.

You’re having a child with someone who is regularly under the influence of drink and drugs. Once a fortnight is regular. Are you really sure he’s going to be a fantastic dad?

There are lots of people on mumsnet who have a particular mindset about drugs and drinking.

Before DH and I had kids we went out a lot. Went to festivals, club nights, traveled the world, carefree, took drugs (shock horror!) and drank lots. When I was pregnant it took a while for DH to curb his nights out. I mourned for my old social life. However, when the baby came he was amazing. I think for some men - they realisation only sinks in when an actual baby is there. We've definitely made some mistakes but odd hangover whist looking after kids is enough for both of us to change our ways.
Some of our friends have also settled down but some still go out loads. Sadly the group as slightly divided into those who have kids and those who can't or choose not too. (Not for every occasion- but parents can't exactly go to Ibiza for a week long rave!).
Talk to him. He'll likely get there in the end.

Wow. It sounds like he is in total denial about what is happening to you both. I’d find this extremely worrying if I was pregnant.

He wants to spend your joint money (and yes it is joint family money, you’re parents now) on a hotel room just for him on a regular basis so he can get drunk / take drugs?! Even if you have a good income this makes me feel actually sick. Your income will feel a lot less generous once you’re back at work paying for childcare and everything else the baby needs - you should be saving spare money now if you can or at least spending it on things you can both enjoy. These hotel stays would be an insane indulgence - and for what? I hope once the baby’s drives he looks back on that suggestion and is utterly embarrassed.

I am not at all convinced he is going to be the dad you think he is - either that, or he is just seriously in denial at the moment (it sounds like you both are a bit to be honest).

I think you need to have a much more adult conversation about this. Yes ‘life doesn’t stop when you become parents’ but as other posters will tell you, it does for a good while. That’s because he will soon be responsible for your post-natal care and support (especially if you have a c section or difficult birth) as well as the care of a newborn who is incredibly vulnerable and needs looking after round the clock. It’s hard to overstate how serious a responsibility you have both taken on. You simply cannot go out and get drunk in that scenario. Down the line of course you should each have the odd night out and the other should care for the baby while you do so. But for me and my DH this wasn’t possible for about six months, and even then it was rare, and I wouldn’t have got out of control drunk or taken any drugs because what if the baby becomes unwell (as they frequently do) or something happens and you need to get home quickly?

It is not a responsibility you will be able to turn on and off at your convenience because you ‘want a night out’. He needs to grow up.
If he can’t make any compromises now I’d be very worried about him in the future. Sorry OP

Sorry but I don't equate someone who refuses to stop using cocaine at work events with being an amazing father.

Life doesn't and shouldn't stop because you have children but it sure as shit should change as your priorities should shift.

He sounds like an absolute loser.

I think you need to be a bit more specific in your communication.

You're saying you'd like him to compromise and tone it down, but what do you actually have in mind by that? He goes out just as much but comes home earlier? He still goes out late, but once a month instead of twice a month? Put a number on it.

Whereas he's saying he still wants to go out and have fun, but what does HE mean by that? What are the compromises he feels he should make? He should put a number on that too.

As the child-free friend who still parties I've definitely noticed that different couples are handling this differently once they have kids. Some take it in turns to go out, some have obviously agreed a certain number of nights per month or whatever. It takes solid communication, not hints and vagueness.

As others have said, I'd be surprised if he stops drinking and taking drugs once the baby is here. He'll no doubt leave you to be the main parent.
I personally, can't stand drug taking and I wouldn't have even entertained the idea of having a baby with someone who does. What a role model for your child.

Sorry OP but I'm hearing alarm bells. He'll need to curb his behaviour when the baby arrives, it's nice he thinks nothing should change, but it will drastically and there will not be time for going out and getting pissed, not monthly let alone weekly! Think you both need a reality check tbh or you're both in for a really nasty shock

I do worry about that sometimes….

I just keep myself busy when he goes out, try and see friends / family.

I hate talking to him about it because he gets so wound up and doesn’t understand where I’m coming from.
He says he has these nights out to relieve stress as his job is more stressful than mine or he has different stresses to me.

He also said he didn’t have me down as a type of woman who would tell him what he can & can’t do. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I would never say you can or can’t do this, I just asked if he would do it to support me. It’s exhausting and makes me worry about the future sometimes ☹️

I asked him if he’d speak to his friends who have had children and see their view on it or ask them how they handled similar situations, but he won’t.

Don’t think we’ll ever see eye to eye on it… I just came here for my own sanity because I wondered if I was just an absolute crank making his life hell.

not getting so drunk & not taking anything else which I am aware he does with some colleagues

I just noticed that you said he takes illegal drugs too. I wouldn't want a man like that around my child. The drinking is bad enough. He sounds insanely selfish and a good parent is selfless, not selfish.