To ask my partner to make some compromises whilst I’m pregnant?

[laminaHK]

Hello - will keep as brief as poss but interested to know your views. Happy to answer any other questions too!

I’m 17 weeks pregnant with our first child after we lost our last baby at 11 weeks pregnant late last year. We’re both absolutely over the moon.
I love my partner unbelievable amounts & know he’s going to be such a good dad. I’m glad I’ve chosen him as my life partner, he’s also my best friend.

We have an active social life and we spent a lot of our dates going out for drinks / partying before trying for a baby.

In the first trimester of this pregnancy, I felt incredibly low and awful. I was sick and had migraines constantly. I didn’t want to go out because I simply couldn’t but my mental health was on the floor and a lot of my abandonment issues resurfaced that I couldn’t seem to get a hold of (usually I know how to deal with intrusive thoughts) I also felt lonely and what I thought was jealousy of my partner being able to carry on life as normal and carry on socialising and going out etc.
I felt like a different person completely, somebody that nobody would want to spend time with because I’m so boring and miserable to be around.

Luckily in the second trimester, I am starting to feel myself again and my illnesses have subsided significantly.
I have a large group of friends and we often go out for walks or meals or chilled nights in at home these days!

However - my partner tends to go out every 2 weeks with his work friends, mostly for work events which is basically a massive piss up… I wouldn’t dream of asking him to not go out or not drink anymore because I can’t drink, but I asked if he wouldn’t mind compromising a bit.
Maybe not coming home so late, not getting so drunk & not taking anything else which I am aware he does with some colleagues and it’s not really bothered me in the past.

He thinks I’m totally unreasonable to ask him if this because he doesn’t go out all the time, it’s mostly for work & he is very supportive most of the time, so why does he have to make this compromise too.

I said it makes me feel supported that I’m not going through pregnancy alone as I have had to give up that lifestyle (and I’d do it again and again til the end of time for my baby!) and I’ve made sacrifices / compromises.

A couple of ‘compromises’ he made was that he would get a hotel and stay out on the work nights so he wouldn’t come home drunk. Didn’t feel like much of a compromise to me 😅😂

Sometimes I think he thinks I want him to not enjoy himself, which absolutely is not the case. I just asked if he could tone it down in solidarity.
If he was going out for a couple at the pub, watching football, doing other activities with friends I would not have any kind of problem at all. I encourage him to see friends as I think it’s important. The problem I keep having is why does it have to be these massive piss ups til 2am…. Surely it’s not much to ask to reel it in a bit for a while?!

AIBU?
Do I just need to accept he can still do what he wants to, it’s just part of the process?

(BTW I totally agree that it's shitty of him to push it back on you. He's having an unfair reaction. But do think about the outcome you want).

I think YABU for bringing a child into this. Words are easy but his actions look suspiciously like your life will change massively, whilst his will carry on.
I think most couples get partying out of their system over the span of years, settle down and marry before considering DC. Even then it's a shock to the system.
The life you describe isn't normal, to me normal definitely isn't taking coke regularly and spending massive amounts socialising. How much does the booze, taxis, club, coke and hotel cost twice a month? Normal centres around being content at home or out with your family, occasionally doing the other. It seems my idea of normal is his idea of boring and that's scary.

Asking for support might be asking him to spend an evening in with you rather than with friends because you're bored and lonely but can't go out. Support might be listening to you when you're struggling. Support might be doing more of the heavy lifting at home because you don't have the energy to do it. Support might be being understanding if you're a bit more emotional or volatile than normal.

I don't think "support" means he must stop drinking or going out just because you can't party like he can. It may absolutely mean he goes out less, particularly if you used to go out with him for these sorts of events, but it doesn't mean stopping.

You see I'm inclined to agree here. Currently he is a childless man who goes out twice a month and gets drunk. I remember my husband saying yes to everything before our first was born as he knew it would be seriously curtailed when they did ( which is was) I was totally happy to chill at home.
Honestly it seems a bit mean spirited to want him to stop now to sit at home with you when it's not really all that often anyway. You are pregnant not sick per se so I'd enjoy the chill time. Order a takeaway and binge on something o like on tv when he is on his work nights out!

So when people say "we are pregnant" what's the "we" bit?

If his socialising is "for work" 🤮 that isn't going to change. Now if it was for friends he could move away from a skinful of alcohol and go to the gym. It is also acceptable for adult males to grab a daytime coffee with a mate. Realistically he's still 17. If he thinks his job is stressful then adding a newborn will be challenging. Not for him, for you.

This man loves you. He is in love with you. But won't permit a conversation with the woman he loves who also lost a baby around the change of becoming parents. Really? And this man is "great". I'd hate to see ones that aren't great.

Can someone tell me why work nights out have to include cocaine?

Urghh. My daughter's partner was 'getting it out of his system' during the pregnancy, not too long after the birth and he was exactly the same as before.

What a manchild, his use of language is an attempt to make you feel like you're in the wrong

He's not 17, she's 17 weeks pregnant. She talks about partying through their 20s so I'd guess they're around the 30 mark.

But OP you are telling him what to do - because it’s what you want/what you feel is “appropriate”, and not what he wants.

I’m a mum of two (with another due). I’ve been pregnant at least for 5 of the last 6 years. Prior to having a family I loved a night out. Post having a family I still love a night out out. No drugs (mainly as parenting changed my perception/desire for risk) but I love to dance. Obviously for practical reasons actual nights out are few and far between but sometimes (about once every few months) I’ll babysit for friends and them for us and it will be a late one. 95% of the time our home centers around our kids, but I’m a better happier mum when I’ve bits that I love too. And I don’t think I’m damaging them by still enjoying clubbing/socialising past the “acceptable age/stage”.

DH has a work role that is similar to your partners, and the assumption is that he is out for dinner/late several times a week at busy season. While technically it’s not part of working hours, in reality, those that are women/parents do the events too. They are expected part of working/progressing in field. I’m in healthcare so the idea of a funded night out is alien to me!! But If I was to give him a time limit on those nights - I would be limiting him.

We solve it by constantly talking. He drinks a lot less at the events now but that’s mainly by choice as he knows if I’m on shift the next day he’s an entire day of childcare, which isn’t fun hungover.

For me the worst bit about pregnancy is that it’s not shared. We’re not in it together. It’s my body. It’s me that’s sick, that has to find time out of work to attend scans, that has to hold the worries about growing a human, the fear of labour. I wish it was shared. But while DH can empathize with my experiences he can’t share them. It is unfair. I find it much easier to share tasks once the child is here - as even if BFing they can be handed over!

Can you share your worries with him? I hear that what you say you are asking for is support…but wonder…if it’s also about both of you hearing each other?

It’s ok for him not to HAVE to change his lifestyle entirely now, to prove he “can do it” in a few months. Are the cut backs you are asking of him (now and future) really realistic for him? Can you hear his explanations of what it would mean for him? Can he heart your worries, fears? Can he answer you as to have you have your support and/or your own space, if he needs/wants to be out evenings? How do you align both your needs? Because both have value.

If I were you OP, I would make a little schedule for yourself - take yourself swimming, to pregnancy yoga, go out to cinema etc, whatever you want to do. That could also involve a dinner with him on however many nights a week etc.

Oh dear, this wonderful husband and dad to be won't be so wonderful if he's asked to make changes. My guess is that he's only 'wonderful' whilst he's getting his own way and not having to compromise.

You're in for a rough ride once the baby is here. Will he still go out twice a month with work, will he still socialise with his friends - all whilst you are at home looking after the baby? My guess is yes. Start to put boundaries in place now otherwise it's going to be hellish

As for reining it in, what does that mean? Goes out twice a month? Will he facilitate you going out twice a month too?

Are the posters saying to cut him some slack and he's just letting his hair down before the baby comes reading the OP's posts? Her DP is being selfish, sexist, manipulative, and not acting like one half of a team.

Oh op, this thread has made me a bit sad.

I will come across very weak in sharing this info but I have deep rooted abandonment issues from my childhood. I think I’m scared to be resented and that he will leave me.

This does not make you weak. Does he know about this, and if so why is he being such a dick and twisting it round so it's all on you?

I said I could take him home if he wants and he said yeah we’ll play it by ear, then asked me do I want him to go home at that time is that why I’m offering….

He should be able to read the situation and sort it out for himself, not ask for precise instructions (which he will then be able to throw back in your face when he wants to go out but says that you have not allowed him to).

I hope you manage to sort it out, you sound lovely.

I think you can do both things simultaneously - you can take the view that you’ve made your point and leave it for now, see how things pan out. Your faith in him might be rewarded as time goes on. Some guys really just take longer to get their head around it all and as he sees what you go through in the last weeks, in birth, when his child is actually here, it will feel more real to him and hopefully the penny will drop and going out will be the last thing on his mind.

What I would really urge you not to do though, is doubt the reasonableness of your own position, or be gaslit by him into thinking you’re the one in the wrong. You don’t have the press it now, but you ARE in the right that he will have to change. If he doesn’t change after the birth, then you will know you have a different category of problem which you’ll have to face.

If your abandonment issues are distorting the way you and your partner are dealing with these issues you could maybe talk to someone about that now (it’s harder to find time for this sort of thing after the baby arrives!) But again, I’d be wary of internally dignosing this as a ‘you’ problem/ to do with some psychological issue you have. It really isn’t. You’re just being reasonable and he, at the moment, is not.

My final observation is that I know from personal experience that recruitment can be an industry with a very toxic workplace / social culture. I would watch that. It’s full of young people with no responsibilities who will be encouraging him to stay out and (possibly) stand his ground against his ‘boring wife’ etc etc with absolutely no understanding of what they are talking about. He needs to understand he is no longer one of those people with no responsibilities and he can’t expect his life to look like theirs any more. To be honest it’s sad he would want that. I can’t imagine much worse. Most people have outgrown all that by their thirties!

Wishing you luck- you sound really sensible and I hope that your DH will see sense too in time and repay your faith in him.

I’ve seen plenty of men like this over the years, and it can go one of two ways. Some men step up once the baby arrives and take their responsibility seriously. Even ones that previously said ‘life shouldn’t change because we’re parents’.

However, the vast majority never stepped up, and indeed their lives change while the wife did everything. Most couples I know in these cases eventually split up.

To go against the grain a little: I think it is perfectly acceptable to tell your husband to stop doing drugs and going on all-night benders once the baby arrives, and even in pregnancy. You’re the one who has already changed significant parts of your life and health, why shouldn’t he do the bare minimum and support you? I don’t think you’re being nagging or controlling. If it were me, and he didn’t, I would leave.

OP: I would really recommend some therapy if you can afford it. You’re going to have to build some self-confidence and find your voice if you’re going to be the best mum you can for your little baby.

*their lives don’t change

Hi OP

I think it's really difficult. I was resentful of my husband when I was pregnant, I hated that my lifestyle was curbed and not his, I hated that I had all the responsibility and not him. But I also knew I was being unreasonable to feel like that, given he can't actually get pregnant!

What difference would him coming home earlier or drinking less actually make for you? For example I'm not sure that you need much support between 11pm and 3am so asking him to come home early seems a bit pointless. But if he is too tired and hungover to spend any quality time with you the next day then that's not fair and I think it's acceptable to ask him to make sure he is in a fit state to do whatever you had planned.

I wonder if it's not so much what he is doing now, that you're actually worried that he won't step up when the baby is here? Yes you can still go out as a parent but for the vast majority of good parents, this doesn't happen with the same frequency at least when kids are young. When your baby is very little it doesn't seem fair for one of you to go out drinking and having fun and then sleeping it off the next day, while the other one is struggling to get a hot drink and a shower for long periods of time. What's he going to change to support you when you genuinely need more support - you're recovering from birth, have only got a couple of hours sleep and haven't been able to put the baby down all day because every time you do, they cry. That's what I'd be asking.

I’m afraid this is my conclusion. I can see that at least one PP has had a much better experience when her DH got his act together but the problem is you’re not going to know until baby is here.

Personally I expected my DH to grow up and knock off the student lifestyle - but in fact we both had already done that long before Dc appeared. The drug use is a red line for me, though. I wouldn’t be with someone who uses because it’s totally unethical.

He sees no reason to stop at the moment so my best advice, if you’re not considering leaving him now, is to get a good support network in place in case you go into labour early when he’s out, or he does not cease the heavy drinking and coke use once baby is here.

How old are you both?

@NoCloudsAllowed

I was being sarcastic. Never comes over in text.

Oh, the sarcasm! I've heard of that but never experienced it. I am grateful to you @muchalover ;)

It's not bothered you getting and making a baby with someone taking stuff other than drink wow you need a head wobble

I think you are being unreasonable asking for this now when you are basically in the fairly early stages of pregnancy, and perfectly able to live your life normally, ie go out to dinner with friends, or enjoy a cozy night in (though he needs to stop that when you are 8 months pregnant and might give birth at any point!).
HOWEVER I would be very very worried for the future as this will definitely need to stop when the baby comes and from what you describe I don’t think he has any intention of stopping. I think you are going to be literally left holding the baby… not to mention safety risks of him looking after a child the next day when hungover or incapacitated, or the child swallowing his various pills etc by accident.

I kind of think the only reason why you think your DP is a great partner is because you’ve never challenged him on anything and have effectively been groomed into being “the cool wife”.

It’s completely reasonable for you to tell him to cut out the coke use (if someone got wind of it, you’d be reported to social services) and that a couple of nights out over Christmas is fine but you are fed up of being regularly woken up at 2am when he’s pissed and wasting the weekend hungover.

I get the feeling he fully expects his life to not change at all and you will be left to do everything with the baby. Hopefully he steps up but having a child tends to really highlight the selfishness of some men. Make sure you have a good support network around you and to be financially secure if you need to walk away if he turns out to be a deadbeat.

He sounds like a clown. Hopefully he winds his neck in once the baby arrives. Take care of yourself OP