To ask my partner to make some compromises whilst I’m pregnant?

[laminaHK]

Hello - will keep as brief as poss but interested to know your views. Happy to answer any other questions too!

I’m 17 weeks pregnant with our first child after we lost our last baby at 11 weeks pregnant late last year. We’re both absolutely over the moon.
I love my partner unbelievable amounts & know he’s going to be such a good dad. I’m glad I’ve chosen him as my life partner, he’s also my best friend.

We have an active social life and we spent a lot of our dates going out for drinks / partying before trying for a baby.

In the first trimester of this pregnancy, I felt incredibly low and awful. I was sick and had migraines constantly. I didn’t want to go out because I simply couldn’t but my mental health was on the floor and a lot of my abandonment issues resurfaced that I couldn’t seem to get a hold of (usually I know how to deal with intrusive thoughts) I also felt lonely and what I thought was jealousy of my partner being able to carry on life as normal and carry on socialising and going out etc.
I felt like a different person completely, somebody that nobody would want to spend time with because I’m so boring and miserable to be around.

Luckily in the second trimester, I am starting to feel myself again and my illnesses have subsided significantly.
I have a large group of friends and we often go out for walks or meals or chilled nights in at home these days!

However - my partner tends to go out every 2 weeks with his work friends, mostly for work events which is basically a massive piss up… I wouldn’t dream of asking him to not go out or not drink anymore because I can’t drink, but I asked if he wouldn’t mind compromising a bit.
Maybe not coming home so late, not getting so drunk & not taking anything else which I am aware he does with some colleagues and it’s not really bothered me in the past.

He thinks I’m totally unreasonable to ask him if this because he doesn’t go out all the time, it’s mostly for work & he is very supportive most of the time, so why does he have to make this compromise too.

I said it makes me feel supported that I’m not going through pregnancy alone as I have had to give up that lifestyle (and I’d do it again and again til the end of time for my baby!) and I’ve made sacrifices / compromises.

A couple of ‘compromises’ he made was that he would get a hotel and stay out on the work nights so he wouldn’t come home drunk. Didn’t feel like much of a compromise to me 😅😂

Sometimes I think he thinks I want him to not enjoy himself, which absolutely is not the case. I just asked if he could tone it down in solidarity.
If he was going out for a couple at the pub, watching football, doing other activities with friends I would not have any kind of problem at all. I encourage him to see friends as I think it’s important. The problem I keep having is why does it have to be these massive piss ups til 2am…. Surely it’s not much to ask to reel it in a bit for a while?!

AIBU?
Do I just need to accept he can still do what he wants to, it’s just part of the process?

Your latest post makes me sad OP.

Getting wound up when you try and talk to him about something? Saying his job is more stressful than yours? Making you feel like you're "a type of woman"?

Sounds like a peach.

A couple of ‘compromises’ he made was that he would get a hotel and stay out on the work nights so he wouldn’t come home drunk.

Cynical me makes me think he's already laying the groundwork, so he gets pissed and stays in a hotel whilst your at home with a baby? This has got to be a joke.

I was leaning towards 'might take a bit of patience & the penny will drop for him' until your latest post, which just made me sad for you.

I used to work behind a bar & found it hard to respect the men who were out regularly getting wasted & taking coke whilst their pregnant partner or wife was at home mumming. No issue with the drugs just the doing it in that family scenario.

Not sure what to suggest, sorry OP :(

Thank you, I think you’re right but I’m worried I’ll come across like I’m telling him what to do, when I absolutely don’t want to do that.

How would you recommend I go about putting a number on it?

How I’ve tried to describe it is we’re both bringing a child into the world, we both need to make some sacrifices / compromises, I would appreciate it if you didn’t get so drunk or come home so late. I just want him to rein it in a bit.
But he’s asked me what the line is, when does he know I won’t be happy with it? Should he not go out at all? Should he not drink at all?

And I get frustrated because I think Christ almighty, we all know how to reign it in a bit, we all know when it’s best to call it a night and stop drinking / get a taxi. Why do I have to give an instruction?

I’m doing the classic ‘I want you to WANT to reign it in’ which makes me eye roll myself but I honestly do want that ha…

He says he has these nights out to relieve stress as his job is more stressful than mine or he has different stresses to me.

What is this incredibly stressful job, that it can’t be coped with without going on a fortnightly bender?

He also said he didn’t have me down as a type of woman who would tell him what he can & can’t do. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I would never say you can or can’t do this, I just asked if he would do it to support me. It’s exhausting and makes me worry about the future sometimes.

He’s grooming you to to tolerate his behaviour. And to never criticise. This does not bode well for the future!

Don’t think we’ll ever see eye to eye on it… I just came here for my own sanity because I wondered if I was just an absolute crank making his life hell.

His gaslighting seems to be working! Of course you’re not a crank; just a normal woman dealing with a selfish man!

How I’ve tried to describe it is we’re both bringing a child into the world, we both need to make some sacrifices / compromises, I would appreciate it if you didn’t get so drunk or come home so late. I just want him to rein it in a bit.
But he’s asked me what the line is, when does he know I won’t be happy with it? Should he not go out at all? Should he not drink at all?

Yeah so I remember going thru this, trying to teach self control & independent decision making...

With my kids, when they were about 5

Yeah, based on your last post I'm pretty sure that in a year he'll still be getting pissed and coked up and staying out all night and you'll be at home with the baby. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he does it more when the baby's born, because he won't be at all adapted to the harsh and tiring reality of life with a baby. It'll be far too "stressful" for him.

This isn't just "it's not real for him yet but he'll come around when the baby arrives". He responded to your reasonable request with guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, and a complete and total unwillingness to listen to or compromise for you. Plus a side helping of how child things are your job and that he's too "stressed" aka speshul/male to compromise for a baby. That isn't a future good dad in denial. It's a man who's more committed to his booze and coke than he is to you and his child.

I'm sorry. I wish I could be more positive. But I'd brace yourself for a rough ride.

In what way is this binge-drinking cokehead going to be an amazing father?

Thank you - I was in two minds to mention drugs because I know there is obviously a lot of different opinions and mindsets. I think I am in quite a similar situation to what you were in.

I’ll look ridiculous defending a man who occasionally takes cocaine with work as that is not the kind of man you’d associate with being a father. I totally understand that.
I personally think that party life has been done and dusted for me, I’ve done that throughout my twenties, as has he.
I believe it should be curbed when you have children. Don’t think he’s at the same mindset but perhaps the penny hasn’t dropped yet like you say.

It’s also hard for me to give an entire back story and character reference of him. A lot of people will think he’s a dead beat but he’s honestly brilliant.

It’s just this part of our relationship, which feels rocky right now. I’m struggling to get through to him and I’m quite an emotional person and struggle hiding when I’m upset, disappointed or annoyed.

Oh yeah my stbxh did that the whole time I was pregnant and made me feel horrible for feeling vulnerable when I couldn't come out too.

He carried on with exactly the same behaviour after the baby arrived and in fact as soon as I came home him the hospital he went out.

That's why the selfish, entitled %£#^ is now an ex.

I hope yours improves.

Unfortunately you have made the same mistake than many women make, and that is you are having a baby with a useless dickhead. I would recommend leaving him.

I am afraid he sounds suspiciously like my ex apart from the drugs.
When we met we also had an active social life, then the babies came along...It is a long time ago but when I had my first and was in hospital for a few days I would get a quick visit in the evening and he would be off out celebrating to 'wet the babies head' again and again! Tbh I never thought much of it at the time.
Looking back I would say he led his social life through work, out every Thursday 'networking' and staying out in hotels. Playing rugby on a Saturday which was not local as he refused to change teams and drinking afterwards.
I was the cool wife with all of this at the time, but as time went on I knew from experience if I objected 'you're not my mother' would be his response. He hated being told what to do.
He never changed and would go to the opening of an envelope. I do hope for your sake and babies that you can sort this.
Don't be me and let it carry on indefinitely as resentment will build, certainly don't let him shut you down with 'you can't tell me what to do'
If he won't change once baby is here it is much better to make a decision about what you want and need from a supportive partner than let it drag on for years.
Good luck.

I know…
For these work events, he says he can claim all the drinks and hotels back on expenses, so I shouldn’t be concerned about finances.

Most people won’t be surprised to hear he’s in recruitment haha. Feel like it’s renowned for this lifestyle! But the company are always doing so many social events, concert tickets, charity balls, etc.
Honestly I truly do not mind him going, I would encourage it. But I feel like it’s a smack in the face that I just wanted him to rein it in & all of these events involve binge drinking and yes often drugs.

He told me he often turns down events to go to because he knows I want to feel supported (not what I asked for… at all…) and so that means these events every fortnight / 3 weeks are actually not as often as they could be 😂🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m laughing at myself typing it out it’s fucking ridiculous isn’t it.

This has all blown up again recently because his Christmas do is this weekend that starts from 3pm and I am out for a late meal with friends where I’ll be in the same city & finishing around 11pm. I said I could take him home if he wants and he said yeah we’ll play it by ear, then asked me do I want him to go home at that time is that why I’m offering….

I think at this stage I'd focus on

1. what are the adjustments we need to make to our lifestyle when the baby arrives - what will a typical week look like (early months versus later months)?
2. what do you want your lives to look like up until the baby is born?

I've encouraged my OH to make the most of pre-baby time and I've tried to do the same (like you i wasn't up to much in the 1st trimester, 2nd much better, 3rd I'm staring to feel more tired).

What are you trying to achieve by him going out less now? Is it that you want him to stay in and keep you company while watching TV? Or are you concerned that he realises/is signed up to a significant shift of activity once the baby arrives? (And to a certain extent in the last few weeks to make sure he's not caned for the birth of his first child).

Is he living in the 1970s or what?

Pregnancy is boring. Parenthood is boring. It's about responsibility, dedication, commitment, and slog, frankly. Wiping down a high chair five times a day. Singing the same nursery rhyme for the 20th time. Rocking your baby to sleep for hours on end. It has its wonderful bits but a lot of it is also just dull drudgery.

It's about making decisions that are in your child's best interests, even if it means sacrificing your own wants and needs sometimes. It's about having to take care of a child who is upset about being slightly sick when you are actually very sick (hello Covid!). Its about being prepared to sit up most of the night because your child has a temperature or is breathing fast and you're the one who is responsible for keeping them alive.

This is kind of why marriage is a good idea before kids - you need to be willing to say yes, I choose monogamy and stability with all the monotony and sacrifice that involves.

Luckily for you, we're not in the 1970s. Women then would be told to get on with it while their husbands boozed away, brought the boss back for dinner etc, and they'd often suck it up because their mothers had, being a single mother involved a lot of stigma and hardship, and they thought any father was better than none.

You need to ask him how he envisages life with a small baby. What he will do on a day by day basis. Yep, you can have the odd day out but I wouldn't want a drunk druggy partner around a baby. It's way too easy to nod off on a sofa and risk the baby being suffocated, or drop them or lose patience etc. A realistic amount of socialising with a new baby might be once a fortnight or once a month. It's a new life stage and it changes things.

You're carrying a child that both of you wanted, with all the fun and games that involves - so far it's very one-sided. I think you need to have a plan B in case he's not going to be the father you want him to be.

I don't know what his company is, but unless it's tiny there will be other fathers or senior people who aren't out getting legless and taking cocaine. It's about making choices.

Sorry that's a bit of an essay - basically you're better doing parenthood on your own from the outset than struggling with the heartache of a partner who can't or won't step up and going through a long drawn out break up.

Oh no OP, your update made me so sad. For me, him turning it around and saying ‘I didn’t think you were the type of woman who’d have a problem with me going out’ would be a major red flag. You sound really intelligent and I think deep down you can see that red flag waving too. He is gaslighting you into thinking this is a ‘you problem’- you’re becoming a ‘problem’ partner (a nag, a harridan, pick your misogynistic stereotype…)

In fact it’s sadly obvious to all the women on this thread (and you, deep down) that it’s him and his attitude and behaviour which is a problem. A pretty serious problem, given that you’re pregnant.

It’s telling that you are so ’worried I’ll come across like I’m telling him what to do, when I absolutely don’t want to do that’

Why are you so worried about how you ‘come across’ or being the ‘cool wife’? You know you’re just being reasonable. Why is he making you doubt your own reasonableness? And judgement?

Of course you don’t want to tell him what to do, because it shouldn’t be necessary in a grown up relationship - and you’re right it should be obvious what reining it in actually means - and that he should want to do it.

Does he have a friend who has been thorough this and changed their ways and stepped up, who could take him out for a (single!) beer and talk some sense into him? Or a sibling he listens to?

Otherwise I guess your best hope is that when he holds the baby in his arms the penny drops for him what’s happened in his life and what he is now responsible for and he changes. This does happen to some guys. But the signs aren’t that good.

Whatever you do please don’t let him make you doubt that you’re in the right on this. You are, and you really need to stop doubting yourself and stand your ground.

And I get frustrated because I think Christ almighty, we all know how to reign it in a bit, we all know when it’s best to call it a night and stop drinking / get a taxi. Why do I have to give an instruction?

Well, exactly. What's his answer to that?

Most people have worked out by the age of 30 at the latest that getting seriously drunk is a mug's game. It's a waste of money, it's not actually that enjoyable, and you tend to feel varying degrees of rough the next day. If your husband hasn't worked that out, and/or hasn't worked out how to de-stress from work without getting drunk and taking drugs, he's seriously immature. It actually sounds more like he's desperately trying to keep in with younger or more stupid colleagues.

Alternatively, if his work genuinely is that stressful, he needs to look for another job.

I'm going to go against the typical advice here. You've tried to get through to him and he's said no. This is only happening once a fortnight. As much as he should be making changes now, he isn't the one pregnant and it may be that when the baby comes, the personality you're describing comes into play and he does change. I suggest you hold fire for now and accept that once a fortnight isn't much because you can't change it but you run the risk of alienating him. It shouldn't happen but he may withdraw if he feels you're being unreasonable and that won't help you. Keep your relationship intact and appreciate what he is doing to support you. When the baby comes, see what he's like. You don't have to stay.

Thank you, this is a really interesting question because I’m genuinely asking myself ‘what am I wanting to achieve out of this’.

I don’t want him to stop going out and sit in with me watching TV, hell I don’t wanna be sat in watching TV either! 😂
I think it’s healthy to have social lives separate from each other as well as social lives together. I’d like him to see his friends and enjoy himself. Interestingly yes I would also like him to make the most of it pre-baby.

A part of me thinks maybe I am a selfish person for wanting him to make compromises / sacrifices like I am because I feel like we are doing this together.
No I don’t want him to feel poorly like I did or not drink or not have a nice rare steak and some pate 😂

I didn’t think I was being unreasonable to ask him to rein it in, but maybe I am.
Sometimes I feel worried for him adapting to life changes when the baby comes, but ultimately what I think I’m bothered about is feeling supported, feeling like we’re in this together & not feeling alone in a total shift in lifestyle / life changes.

it is interesting though because I’m struggling to answer your question and I wonder why

Okay, I'm going against the grain here - I don't see why he should have to completely cut back on his partying in "solidarity" with you. But then, I've never understood pregnant women whose husbands also stop drinking in "solidarity" or whatever. The only issue would be if you're finding yourself curtailed and stuck at home and bored, while he's out and about - he should be making an effort to spend time with you if you're unable to go out. But it sounds like you are, just at a lower level?

What I AM concerned about however, is what happens AFTER the baby comes along. Because the reality is that these sort of huge piss ups on a regular basis will be a problem, especially in those first few months.

Having said that, it does depend on every couple. Some couples take the approach that regular, but low key, nights out are fine - as long as everyone can get up in the morning/ do their share of the middle of the night stuff. And others who prefer to go the "massive blow out every few weeks" but fully at home the rest of the time approach. Whatever works.

Thank you 🤍
I hear everything you’re saying.

I will come across very weak in sharing this info but I have deep rooted abandonment issues from my childhood. I think I’m scared to be resented and that he will leave me.
It feels more scary now that I have my son growing inside me too.

I’m embarrassed to ever be a woman who takes shit because she’s scared to be alone, because I’ve been alone and I KNOW I’m okay to be alone.

However despite that, I also would like to think I am a fair person who tries to see both sides of our relationship and wants to make it work and be healthy for both of us.

God everyone is so hung up on the drugs. People on here are so sheltered and naive! If once a fortnight I’d let him have the fun for now but not once baby is here.

@Quickquestion10 @NotLactoseFree

thank you - I appreciate hearing this side of it. That is the other option that I’m torn between as I do agree with it as well. Perhaps I do need to just take this on the chin and see how it pans out.

I’ve been bothered by the lack of trying for something I’ve asked for support on, as it hurts but I can understand maybe he just needs some time to adjust.

OK, so it sounds as though

1. you don't feel confident that you're on the same side and that he understands how he'll need to/is signed up to how your lives will change once the baby is born.
2. you would like to spend more time with him as a couple this side of birth - date nights etc.
3. you're anxious about being on your own.

If this sounds right, have you articulated 2) to him? It's a much easier message than "stop going out on the piss with your mates just because".

3. is more sensitive but an essential conversation. I didn't really have my head round it, nor did my partner. We've had to work some stuff out together but I absolutely had to have the conversation with him where i said I need to know we're going to be on the same page. At 17 weeks (basically before the 20 week scan) it didn't feel real to either of us (previous losses). Antenatal classes started at 30 weeks and that has been a really useful way of getting our heads round it and talking about it. Are you doing some together? If not I HIGHLY recommend.

I am neither sheltered nor naive.

I don't think that parents should waste money on booze and drugs, though.