To ask my partner to make some compromises whilst I’m pregnant?

[laminaHK]

Hello - will keep as brief as poss but interested to know your views. Happy to answer any other questions too!

I’m 17 weeks pregnant with our first child after we lost our last baby at 11 weeks pregnant late last year. We’re both absolutely over the moon.
I love my partner unbelievable amounts & know he’s going to be such a good dad. I’m glad I’ve chosen him as my life partner, he’s also my best friend.

We have an active social life and we spent a lot of our dates going out for drinks / partying before trying for a baby.

In the first trimester of this pregnancy, I felt incredibly low and awful. I was sick and had migraines constantly. I didn’t want to go out because I simply couldn’t but my mental health was on the floor and a lot of my abandonment issues resurfaced that I couldn’t seem to get a hold of (usually I know how to deal with intrusive thoughts) I also felt lonely and what I thought was jealousy of my partner being able to carry on life as normal and carry on socialising and going out etc.
I felt like a different person completely, somebody that nobody would want to spend time with because I’m so boring and miserable to be around.

Luckily in the second trimester, I am starting to feel myself again and my illnesses have subsided significantly.
I have a large group of friends and we often go out for walks or meals or chilled nights in at home these days!

However - my partner tends to go out every 2 weeks with his work friends, mostly for work events which is basically a massive piss up… I wouldn’t dream of asking him to not go out or not drink anymore because I can’t drink, but I asked if he wouldn’t mind compromising a bit.
Maybe not coming home so late, not getting so drunk & not taking anything else which I am aware he does with some colleagues and it’s not really bothered me in the past.

He thinks I’m totally unreasonable to ask him if this because he doesn’t go out all the time, it’s mostly for work & he is very supportive most of the time, so why does he have to make this compromise too.

I said it makes me feel supported that I’m not going through pregnancy alone as I have had to give up that lifestyle (and I’d do it again and again til the end of time for my baby!) and I’ve made sacrifices / compromises.

A couple of ‘compromises’ he made was that he would get a hotel and stay out on the work nights so he wouldn’t come home drunk. Didn’t feel like much of a compromise to me 😅😂

Sometimes I think he thinks I want him to not enjoy himself, which absolutely is not the case. I just asked if he could tone it down in solidarity.
If he was going out for a couple at the pub, watching football, doing other activities with friends I would not have any kind of problem at all. I encourage him to see friends as I think it’s important. The problem I keep having is why does it have to be these massive piss ups til 2am…. Surely it’s not much to ask to reel it in a bit for a while?!

AIBU?
Do I just need to accept he can still do what he wants to, it’s just part of the process?

I’m 28 he’s 31

Here's why I don't think this is a "he is just getting it in while he can and will sober up when the baby comes" situation:

A man in that situation, with some perspective, would have said "look, I can see how you feel, but I know I'm going to have to rein it in after the baby so I'd really like to have some fun now". He could have said "yeah, you're right, it would make sense to throttle back a bit, but I don't see why I have to stop yet." He could, in short, have shown OP that he understood her feelings even if he didn't agree with her reasoning, and that he had some grasp of the changes he will need to make when the baby arrives.

What did he do? He went immediately on the attack. He responded with childish manipulation ("obviously you don't want me to go out at all"), knowing it would all but force OP to say "no, you can go out as much as you want". He hauled out ye olde Box of Misogynist Stereotypes ("I didn't think you were that kind of woman").

Bad, bad signs.

Love changes when you have a baby. He becomes a father and his duty is to put you and your child first.

That means saying no to work piss ups and more looking after you two.

My husband is totally devoted to me and our daughter. He literally waited on me hand and foot in pregnancy and first year after birth.

Our agreement was "I provide life support and care for our child, you look after me and our home while I do that."

The result has been zero post natal depression, a good recovery from pregnancy and birthing trauma amd a beautifully bonded family.

Could your partner agree to step up too?

Obviously this is a really common thing in recruitment, especially if he's a big biller.

I'm interested in understanding your motivation for wanting him to rein it in. In your OP you frame it as 'solidarity' which I took to mean that you're working on adjusting to your new lifestyle and want his moral support.

However other posters seem to have taken it to mean that you're concerned about the way he'll be when baby's here.

Ultimately there's loads of professions where drinking and a bit of coke is really common - especially recruitment, related sales, the arts, theatre, certain areas of high finance, film and TV, academia, etc etc etc...

It's also a class thing, in my previous work I've been in the domestic circles of a lot of upper and upper middle class people and they love nothing more than to park their children with childminders or nannies and get drunk and occasionally even get stoned or do cocaine.

All of that to say, just because it's not the 'typical' mumsnetters' experience doesn't mean it isn't common in certain professions and social classes.

So I would suggest two things:

1. Understand and acknowledge the underlying motivation behind your desire that he tones it down
2. Decide what you want your life together with baby to look like in terms of going out / staying in / caring for baby / work events etc etc

Armed with this self-knowledge you will be able to have a proper and mutually respectful and loving conversation with each other.

Hope the birth goes well - congratulations :-)

I'm on the fence really.
It does frustrate me when women expect their partners to have a personality transplant after getting them pregnant. It doesn't work like that.
He's the kind of guy who likes to go out with his colleagues, get very drunk and occasionally take drugs. Doesn't sound like great father material to me. Not unless he has said himself that he wants to stop and has preferably cut down already to show he means it. Now you're pregnant and trying to get him to be more sensible but it's too late really - he can do what he wants and get away with it because you're pregnant with his baby.
It does seem reasonable for him to have fun while he still can but my concern will be whether he actually stops doing it as you approach your due date (because he'll need to be with you and sober when you give birth) and after the baby is born.

What jumps out at me is your abandonment and mental health issues. I think you're at high risk of perinatal depression. I think you need to stop worrying about him and focus on yourself. Have you been referred to the mental health midwife? If not you should ask. Now is the time to get some counselling if you can, because you'll have a lot less time and mental energy for it after your baby is born.

You can't rely on him for emotional support so you need to make sure you have other support. Motherhood is very lonely otherwise.

If he really needs to be getting wasted and taking drugs to cope with the stress of his job, he is saying he can't handle the job and he needs to find a different one. He is twisting things around to make you feel bad.

What's to stop you from saying "my job as a mother is so stressful, it's 24/7 and you just don't understand. So I'm going out every 2 weeks for a spa and hotel all by myself.

Playing by his rules and expectations you're within rights to demand the same.

Because your job is more stressful than your wife’s. Apparently!

I'm sorry if this sounds bad but in summation you got pregnant to a drug addicted party boy and now you expect him to stop being who he is?
Doesn't really sound like either of you are mature enough to raise the human being you made

With a bit of luck all of you making the sarcastic shock horror comments, the posts like this one etc will be the one whose kids grow up to be groomed into county lines, who get stabbed in gang fights, shot dead because of gang warfare etc. They're unlikely to be involved in people/sex trafficking, be drugs mules etc due to where they live but never say never. Of course, it would be better if no ones kids had to be involved but let's not be naive and sheltered eh?

This is a glimpse into your future, is this how you thought family life was going to be?

You are in for a rocky ride here. I'd bet my life savings that you'll be back here in a a years time wondering why your life has changed beyond recognition, and he is STILL going out spending your money on drunk & drugs.

He's not going to be a fantastic dad.
He's not an even a halfway decent boyfriend right now.
He's selfish and belligerent and already working on you to believe that you're asking too much (you're not) and making you scared to approach him about it (abusive ).

Are you married?
Are you financially secure?
Do NOT give up work for this man.
Chances are he'll be off within the year - or hopefully you'll take control and kick him out yourself.

Do not rely on this man. Set your life up so you & baby need him as little as possible. You'll thank yourself later.

If two people jointly take a decision to have a baby, they should also acknowledge that changes and possibly, sacrifices will have to be made.

OP, I’m sorry, but It’s pretty apparent that you don’t want to rock the boat and he presses your buttons by telling you you’re telling him what to do. So you back off and he carries on doing the social scene that he’s always done.

Unless he is able to see things from your perspective and it doesn’t sound as though he does, he isn’t going to change, you’re going to be walking on eggshells and you’re going to be resentful. I think you’ll find yourself pretty much on your own.

my DH spent my pregnancy on-call, repeatedly driving me to the hospital on zero notice. We had an extreme situation, but it’s still not that unusual for fathers to need to curtail their lifestyle before the baby arrives.

I would be mainly worried about his plans for once the baby arrives. If these outings are work related, does he still expect to be spending his evenings out partying? Does he expect you to be the default parent for all of that? I would want to look at the calendar for the next few months and pretend the baby had arrived. How does he see it playing out?

I take it you’re not married? @boomtickhouse has it in one.
He’s clearly got no intention of settling down, will carry on getting pissed and doing drugs regardless of what you want/say/do 🤷🏼‍♀️
Personally I would be calling it a day now to save years of heartbreak further down the line.
He’s never going to change and why should he? He’s got whatever he wants and zero commitment.

Yes, totally agree, Silvie

Yuk. I wouldn't mind at all him going out twice a month but fortnightly binge drinking sessions? And no, this is not work. No work do involves require a level of intoxication on that level.

He is not gonna change once the baby is her and he isn't the great catch you think he is.

Another MN Amazing Partner and Wonderful Father.
Op, I don't imagine you're going to do anything for a while, but I will say this one thing: Start saving up in a separate account.

Mumsnet is quick to give up on prospective fathers.

I don't get drunk and I've never done drugs. But I was surprised to find how many of the friends I've made since I was around forty, had past lives like your husband. They're now pillars of the community and really involved dads, and as I didn't know them at that point, I simply can't visualise them as the big drinkers and occasional recreational drug takers that they were. And yes, they were/are in big billing professions with frequent work social events.

So don't give up yet, OP. I hope that you're able to have natural and calm conversations with him as your pregnancy progresses and the arrival of the baby seems more real.

Will you both be attending parenting/NCT type classes? Meeting other prospective dads outside his normal circle might help him see other perspectives and expectations.

YABU because this behaviour will not suddenly stop once a baby arrives.

Drinking and taking drugs and staying out late whilst not having children doesn't make someone a terrible father. This kind of suggestion is pretty ridiculous and yes, naive in some ways as there are many people who do this prebaby and do nothing of the kind after and are amazing parents. You can go out all the time before having children and become an amazing, doting parent who is always there for your child and partner.

If you ask him how often he intends to go out once the baby is born and he doesn't intend to be there looking after you or the baby instead of going out or if he says he does and you don't believe him, then that's something different.

For now though, it's still not clear to me why you want him to curb his going out. "To support" you is not clear at all on its own. You need to say in what way getting him to cut down is supporting you to be clear.

How is it supporting you?

1. Is it that you feel lonely in your misery or not being able to go out and his going out every other week is rubbing your face in it and reminding you of what you can no longer do? Then say that to him.

1. Is it that you feel it's unfair that in pregnancy you have to stop going out and do a whole host of other things, but he doesn't, so you want him to cut down to make it feel fairer?

1. Is it that you are worried that at 17 weeks pregnant you might have a medical emergency or appointment you need him to drive you to at any moment and he won't be capable of it if he's drunk? (It doesn't sound like it's this, but I'm trying to go through possible reasons as in my opinion you have not clearly articulated them yet).

1. Is it that him coming home smelling of alcohol activates your nausea?

1. Is it that he is not loving and supporting when he comes home and you're feeling unwell and tired and that actually you need someone who will make you feel better when you're sick not roll over and pass out?

1. Is it that you want him to stop or cut down on doing this when the baby is born and you're worried that if he doesn't demonstrate that he's capable of this now then there's a risk he won't be willing or able to do it once the baby is born?

1. Is it something else?

It will help if you try and articulate the problems, all of them, as specifically as possible so that you know what you want from him.

If you get to an answer like "I just want him to feel rubbish too because I do" ask yourself but why is this supporting you? Maybe there is a reason for that that it would be helpful to tell him. It's ok to tell him life is not fair, you feel like crap all the time, please stop making me jealous of all the great times I'm missing out on by getting wasted every second week. He might have an answer you'd find useful like hey why don't you take 3 extra months off work unpaid until you're feeling better and I'll cover the expense.

When my partner was pregnant with our first, I stopping drinking and going out. It just sort of naturally happened. She never complained or asked, I didn't even realise I had really done it until months in. It could have gone the other way, my brain was sort of kept telling me "this is probably your last chance - go nuts" as some of my friends seemed to do, which is totally natural. However there was sort of another voice going "your a grown-ass man now, why not act like it?". Somehow that voice was louder. Giving up on my old life for that 9 months 'out of my own choice' meant that when baby came and turned everything upsidedown it wasn't a sudden hard stop. Didn't miss going out one bit as I'd already closed that part of my life. Loved the early baby months so much.

Did find friends who partied until the bitter end got quite a sharp shock and had some issues adjusting. They got there in the end but it was a lot harder.

Ooh I'd be furious. I am, on your behalf. I hate the way he's making you out to be a nag or "the kind of woman who tells him what to do". I find that pretty misogynistic language, he's threatening you with stereotypes.

It's not about you telling him what he can and can't do. It's about you telling him what would make you feel happy - you would hope that a supportive partner would, once they understood that, choose do that for you.

Thing is, the run is something the individual for themselves, and the diabetes is something that neither person wants.

Whereas a baby is something both want, but only one takes the brunt of. A little solidarity can go a long way to improving maternal mental health.

I agree. He doesn't sound very mature or responsible.

Sorry OP, it may be my reading but the way you've phrased this sounds a bit like "I'm jealous I don't get to go out and party anymore so you should stop too" whereas looking at the responses and further messaging, is it possible you mean "we have a child on the way and need to start adjusting our lifestyle for his/her benefit"?

The latter is likely to be much more persuasive if he's a good guy/father to be.

And for the record, I get that the first point of jealously is probably mixed in there a little too. It's hard when your life changes so much more than theirs, especially in the early days of pregnancy/childbirth/nursing etc. It is unreasonable to "force" someone to change their behaviour out of jealously though.

Good luck!