To ask my partner to make some compromises whilst I’m pregnant?

[laminaHK]

Hello - will keep as brief as poss but interested to know your views. Happy to answer any other questions too!

I’m 17 weeks pregnant with our first child after we lost our last baby at 11 weeks pregnant late last year. We’re both absolutely over the moon.
I love my partner unbelievable amounts & know he’s going to be such a good dad. I’m glad I’ve chosen him as my life partner, he’s also my best friend.

We have an active social life and we spent a lot of our dates going out for drinks / partying before trying for a baby.

In the first trimester of this pregnancy, I felt incredibly low and awful. I was sick and had migraines constantly. I didn’t want to go out because I simply couldn’t but my mental health was on the floor and a lot of my abandonment issues resurfaced that I couldn’t seem to get a hold of (usually I know how to deal with intrusive thoughts) I also felt lonely and what I thought was jealousy of my partner being able to carry on life as normal and carry on socialising and going out etc.
I felt like a different person completely, somebody that nobody would want to spend time with because I’m so boring and miserable to be around.

Luckily in the second trimester, I am starting to feel myself again and my illnesses have subsided significantly.
I have a large group of friends and we often go out for walks or meals or chilled nights in at home these days!

However - my partner tends to go out every 2 weeks with his work friends, mostly for work events which is basically a massive piss up… I wouldn’t dream of asking him to not go out or not drink anymore because I can’t drink, but I asked if he wouldn’t mind compromising a bit.
Maybe not coming home so late, not getting so drunk & not taking anything else which I am aware he does with some colleagues and it’s not really bothered me in the past.

He thinks I’m totally unreasonable to ask him if this because he doesn’t go out all the time, it’s mostly for work & he is very supportive most of the time, so why does he have to make this compromise too.

I said it makes me feel supported that I’m not going through pregnancy alone as I have had to give up that lifestyle (and I’d do it again and again til the end of time for my baby!) and I’ve made sacrifices / compromises.

A couple of ‘compromises’ he made was that he would get a hotel and stay out on the work nights so he wouldn’t come home drunk. Didn’t feel like much of a compromise to me 😅😂

Sometimes I think he thinks I want him to not enjoy himself, which absolutely is not the case. I just asked if he could tone it down in solidarity.
If he was going out for a couple at the pub, watching football, doing other activities with friends I would not have any kind of problem at all. I encourage him to see friends as I think it’s important. The problem I keep having is why does it have to be these massive piss ups til 2am…. Surely it’s not much to ask to reel it in a bit for a while?!

AIBU?
Do I just need to accept he can still do what he wants to, it’s just part of the process?

I'm not quite sure I understand - you had a miscarriage last year, and are now pregnant with a much-wanted baby but you are not married, and there is no mention of a plan to marry in your posts? I'm guessing he is in a relatively high-earning job if he is claiming that taking coke on a Friday night is practically in his contract. So what financial agreements have you got in place for when you go on maternity leave, and will he be paying for childcare proportionate to his salary when you go back to work?

I suspect that he has also got you worried about "being THAT kind of woman" (oh no!) if you bring up the elephant in the room - setting the date for your wedding so that your finances and future are protected when you put yourself in the very vulnerable position of having a baby with this man, who already sounds pretty manipulative from what you say.

I think the partying isn't quite the issue here (it's not really that big a deal, to be honest - it's all grinding to a halt when the baby is born anyway!), so much as the fact that he preys on your insecurities and gaslights you when you question him.

I don’t think the OP sounds jealous at all. Sounds like her social life has changed naturally as she has matured and she is understandably a bit disappointed/ concerned that her partner doesn’t seem to be making similar changes in accordance with their new situation.
I’m also quite bemused by some posters who seem to think the bloke’s responsibility to their pregnant partner and child only start at birth, and that it’s legit for them to see the pregnancy period as one big last hurrah?! Its the 21st century, not the 1970s! I find this so outdated and weird.

you had a miscarriage last year, and are now pregnant with a much-wanted baby but you are not married, and there is no mention of a plan to marry in your posts? I'm guessing he is in a relatively high-earning job if he is claiming that taking coke on a Friday night is practically in his contract. So what financial agreements have you got in place for when you go on maternity leave, and will he be paying for childcare proportionate to his salary when you go back to work?

What's that got to do with the OP's issue?

I find it really is when people on mumsnet poke their noses into an area of someone's life that has nothing to do with the question they've asked. In real life none of us would be impressed with someone who did this to us.

What a 'Prince' he is. Drinking to excess and taking drugs and doesn't see why he should moderate his behaviour and you can't even discuss it with him.

OP have you ever in your relationship had to deal with a disagreement over a serious matter? I think in every relationship you have to go through that learning curve at some point when things get serious and it can make or break you.

I wonder if you're holding your cards to your chest a little, whereas showing your vulnerability might make him react more favourably than asking him to cut down going out for solidarity.

"I'm scared all the sacrifices will be left to me, your life will go on as normal and I'll have all the responsibility, sleepless nights, no support, and really resent you for it. In all honesty I'm just looking for some reassurance that I won't be doing this alone and if you can give me that, none of the partying prior to baby's arrival will bother me".
If he cares for you and is a good man as you say, then he will provide you with reassurance that his head is actually screwed on, maybe he'll even own up to being frightened of the big responsibility coming your way. To an extent people handle fear in different ways and this might just be his reaction to a big imminent change.

The reality is the carer of a young child just cannot be piss drunk or under the influence, especially if you're breastfeeding and/or co-sleeping. Additionally as you get more advanced in your pregnancy there may be unpredictable times when you need to go in for a check (concerns about bleeding/leaking waters/reduced fetal movements) and you WILL resent him if you have to do that alone.

Just a few things to think about and talk through. But I think you CAN work through this with a lot of respect, honesty and giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

This. I also would agree its fine if he continues as is as long as he steps up when the baby is born, but it sounds like he has no intention to, in factvhes laying the groundwork for his life to stay the same. I think you need to seriously rethink this relationship and even having a baby

Is it possible that, deep down, you have suspicions that he will just keep on in this current routine once the baby arrives? So trying to get him to reign it in now is like a test run to see if he can?

I'd reframe the conversation with him:- "how do you see your lifestyle changing when the baby comes?", "how often do you want to be going out with friends and me stay home with the baby, given that we both need to be given the chance to get away and meet a friend or two while the other one stays home with the baby?"

That sort of thing.

Can I ask, what indicators has he given you over the years that he "will be an amazing dad" as I honestly don't know how it's possible to tell.

I don't really get the solidarity thing tbh. I didn't drink alcohol or eat raw beef because it would have harmed my baby inside me. I didn't feel like that was only something I could do if other people did it too. I didn't need DH to prove he loved me or prove his commitment by not doing stuff i'd arbitrarily chosen from a list.

So I think yabu in that regard.

The drug use around your future child, the uselessness for whole days with a hangover and your child etc. that's all a very different qn

It doesn't sound like he particularly wants to be a father to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m not too sure…. Maybe?
I think it’s more that I felt hurt that he wouldn’t want to do something that I’ve said would make me feel supported & also that it was bothering me that it felt very one sided on how we adapt our lives for this pregnancy.

That’s why I wasn’t sure if it was unreasonable or not… tough one in my head haha.

To some it’ll sound mental but hopefully to most they’ll understand - he’s a great dog dad 😂😂 he’s brilliant with all the children in my family, he’s very loving & attentive. He takes care of us and wants to provide for us. He does his fair share round the house, he does majority of the cooking. We always seem to work well as a team - most of the time! Disagreements happen but we almost always sort them out and can communicate.

It’s hard to give MN the full picture without writing War & Peace 😊
I do see some red flags with his current behaviour and how he likes to have fun / destress with work colleagues. I just think he enjoys this life and he’s making the most of it before our baby comes, I just wish the penny would drop sooner!
I am confident it will once our baby is here, despite what people are concerned about (I can understand why reading the context of these messages).

I really appreciate everyone’s feedback, it’s really helped and helped me see different sides and also know that I’m allowed to have my opinions on this matter and I’m not just ‘some nagging wife’. X

He’ll be a dad soon. He needs to start stepping up now. What happens when baby comes?

Why does he need to change his social life now?
When I was pregnant with our first, my DH and I used our last bit of freedom to the max. In fact, because I was late, we had three separate 'last meals out'!

Giving up the things that you won't be able to do with the baby arrives, a full five months before you need to, makes no sense to me

Agree with other posters, the comment about 'that type of woman' is a red flag. The rest, I might've overlooked.

It's not about 'proving' love or commitment. I like rare steak, so does my husband. Right now, I can't eat rare steak. I wish I could because it's delicious. My husband loves me so would not choose to eat a rare steak in front of me as he knows I'd be jealous. Same with alcohol. He's not proving anything, just continuing to be the kind and thoughtful human that he is 😊

Ok so you've said it seems very one sided how you have to adapt your lives to this pregnancy. This is very true and in many ways biological and not his fault.

If this is the case I have a suggestion.

1. Tell him that he's rubbing your face in it. He needs to tone it down because the unfairness of it all makes you feel like crap. It's bad enough that you have to be pregnant, give birth, take on all the physical risks and have to do all the recovery after birth without him adding to your misery by constantly rubbing your face in it that he doesn't have to do anything to adapt his life to pregnancy. He does have to do something. He has to do what he can to make you feel as comfortable and happy as possible during pregnancy, as an absolute minimum, given that he can't physically take on any of the pregnancy and associated risk.

1. If he wants to support you, there should be other things he can do to make you feel better to try and make up for the sheer unfairness of women having to be the ones who are pregnant while men don't have to but still get a baby out of it. The only way he can have a baby with you is through your liking sacrifice so he needs to be making sacrifices himself in recognition of this to support you. Do you want a massage a week? Lots of pampering? Is there anything else that he can do that might make you feel better that you can also ask for? And it's not all on you to have the mental load of thinking of things he can do to make your life easier either, he should try to come up with things.

Willing sacrifice not liking sacrifice!!!