Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

[EAC12]

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

I met my DH family the day after we hooked up as he still lived at home at that point 😂

Gosh you are totally strange OP. Maybe they’ve decided to wait until marriage or just not talk about their sex life? If he’s important enough for her to want him to meet her family, then if you want to never see her again of course you tell her to fuck off and not meet. Random. Their break up won’t be any harder or easier if they’ve met her family. Probably easier for her as you sound so unsupportive!

Whether they've actually had sex or not is neither here nor there and I wouldn't draw any conclusions either way. Some people feel sexual compatibility is very central in a relationship, others less so.

What I do think is weird is using the fact of them having had sex as some milestone in their relationship. Partly because it means nothing: some people have sex with masses of people and put no store in it whatsoever, for others it has an almost sacred significance and they insist on waiting until after marriage. But most importantly because I just don't think the family should have visibility of it in any way at all. And the idea that its a milestone that has to have been achieved in order for the boyfriend to meet the parents is nuts.

BTW I don't think the OP was trying to be prescriptive about this, she was just using it as an example of how serious the relationship is (or isn't). It just makes me uncomfortable.

They may marry before they first sleep together!

She's 23, not a teenager, I do think it's different and she doesn't live at home either! But clearly I am being the strange one here but just going by people around me, I didn't think so but that's why it was better to gauge opinions here

I couldn’t agree more with this. As odd as OP’s opinion is, it’s so grim to read how many women think it’s admirable the daughter has waited to have sex, how respectful of herself she is and how proud her parents should be that she’s not had sex.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex, provided it’s consensual, legal and safe. It’s fun. A grown woman having sex with whoever she wants to is not indicative of a lack of self respect.

I think your obsession with your DCs sex lives is quite frankly inappropriate and intrusive.
It wouldn’t even enter my mind to quiz my DCs about theirs 😵‍💫

OP do you talk to your kids about their sex life? Not judging this at all just curious. We didn't at all in our family (beyond basic discussion about contraception advice etc) so I would feel very uncomfortable if my mum had asked about this. Other families are different some of my friends had quite intimate discussions about sex.

If you talk openly about it it's slightly different. I still don't think its any indicator of what the relationship is like, but it does at least put it into some sort of context.

I would be happy to meet any of my children's friends that they wanted to bring round. I think it's a very strange opinion that you shouldn't introduce the family until you are really serious about someone. Surely that depends more on geography - if you live near then you are more likely to meet earlier probably. Are you a really unsociable family who rarely have friends or visitors round, or are you really strange, that your children are so reluctant to introduce their partners? Why would it be worse for them to split up if the family had met him?
The sex thing is equally strange. Sex doesn't mean a relationship is serious. I find it extremely weird that you are close enough to your children to know who they are having sex with, but not close enough that they feel they can bring friends round.

I agree with others that you're being strange OP!
Sleeping together isn't an indicator of how serious they are. I know people who got married before they slept together. I know people who had a one night stand and never saw each other again.
They clearly feel quite seriously about each other so why wouldn't you want to meet him?
Keep your nose out of their sex life.

That’s what we are here for! 😍 It was good to gauge opinion and you did the right thing to choose an anonymous forum.

There is no 'normal' when it comes to compatibility, it's not whether you're having sex twice a day or once a year that determines the success of a relationship, it's whether you both share similar attitudes. Maybe they're both asexual, or have low sex drives, or want to take the time to get to know each other beforehand, or don't believe in sex before marriage. You really don't know.

Yes maybe they'll be sexually incompatible or maybe they actually both aren't happy with the state of affairs and one is pressurising the other to meet the family so they can formalise the relationship in the hopes of it becoming sexual. But there's no more chance of them being incompatible due to sex than them being incompatible for other reasons having slept with each other much quicker. I mean how often are there posts on here about problems with sex that have arisen later in a relationship due to incompatibilities in other areas

No, OP, it is not "better to gauge opinions" about your adult daughter's sex life on the internet, particularly on a forum where she or one of her friends or siblings may see this post and recognise the details.

It is completely inappropriate.

What would actually be better would be for you to butt out completely.

You know about your other children's sex lives too? Your fixation on who with and when your daughters are having sex is quite disturbing. You seem to think your daughter is wrong for not having had sex yet with her bf. There could be any number of of reasons they haven't which are none of your business. Or maybe they have and she doesn't want her entire family knowing. You need to set yourself some boundaries.

Op you do realise that you can have a serious relationship without sex being involved until later on?

So if she slept with him on the first date and wanted you to meet him after a week, is that more serious than 5 months together with no sex?

My parents knew my first boyfriend well. We never slept together because neither of us was ready to take that step with anyone. But we were together for 18 months. Not having sex didn't make him any less an important part of my life. And other than my DH, still the best and healthiest relationship of my life.

You're massively overthinking it. She feels like it's serious enough to introduce him. Meet him.

So you're worried she ISN'T having sex? You don't think building a firm foundation of friendship and mutual respect is better than building one built on lust which lets face it, never works is better? Wow. Keep your nose out of her sex life and worry about whether she's HAPPY and they have a good and happy relationship

Sorry love I won’t meet your partner till you’ve slept with him.

Ths has got to be one of the strangest threads I’ve ever read on here, and there’s been a few of those lately.

This is weird. 🤨

I mean this, although there is no boundary with the other 2 that's why there is the "quandary"

I have a friend who didn’t have sex until her wedding night (yes really!). Would you have considered their pre wedding relationship not serious?

This is such a weird OP.

Most parents would be happy to have such a sensible daughter, with a boyfriend who clearly respects her. It's a good thing and you're making out like there's something wrong with her.

What do you mean? The lynch pin of your post appears to be your daughter's sex life (or lack of). Why do you see this meeting as such a big deal, in any case? She just wants you to meet someone she spends a significant part of her life with. Have none of your children ever brought a boyfriend/girlfriend home just because they wanted you to meet their friends? It all seems very formal and formularised with the odd twist of you being very invested in their sex lives.

Its not the not having sex the OP should be proud if her DD for, it's her decision to have sex or not as and when she sees fit, rather than following the current mainstream convention that you must sleep with a partner by a certain point in your relationship. Pushing women into sex they don't want under the guise of it being 'important' to test compatibility is as bad as the old fashioned shaming them for wanting sex. The OPs DD is a grown woman entitled to decide for herself, and its great she is doing so.

It's odd that you see meeting the family as such a big deal. My parents met many of my boyfriends and I met boyfriends' parents, even without any of us thinking we'd necessarily met the love of our life.

My parents would never have known or cared about if/when we'd slept together.

If your DD wants their partner to meet you, take it as a compliment. It doesn't have to mean anything except her wanting you to meet someone who is currently special to her.

@Yoyoban

But there's no more chance of them being incompatible due to sex than them being incompatible for other reasons having slept with each other much quicker. I mean how often are there posts on here about problems with sex that have arisen later in a relationship due to incompatibilities in other areas

I do actually think sexual compatibility is pretty important in a long term relationship. People often choose someone purely because they tick certain boxes (shared interests, financial stability, demographics, social outlook, faith) and completely overlook sex and then are completely nonplussed when their partner or spouse finds this frustrating. Sex is almost a barometer of the underlying subconscious health of the relationship and if it's mismatched from the getgo it's fairly unlikely to significantly recover.

But it's also true that sleeping with someone early on in no way inoculates a relationship against problems down the line. Sex is one thing which can go wrong in a marriage, it's by no means the only or the most important thing.