Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

[EAC12]

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

You’re being very weird OP, but I think you know that now.

I don’t understand why you are fixated on meeting family as being a big deal. its a very dated opinion to have.
DD is early 20’s and in what she considers to be a serious relationship, since summer.

There was no formal introduction, he called in one day to say hi when he was picking her up for a date, we had a causal chat and off they went.

I had no idea if prior to this they had been sexual active or not and nor do I care to know.

Yes it's annoying when they do this..say partne instead of boyfriend. I'd have to say 'stop saying partner like you've been together 10 years' if it was my daughter 😁

I'm not saying sexual compatibility is not important, I'm saying there are lots of factors that are important in compatibility and there's no reason to believe that finding out about sexual compatibility before other aspects of compatibility is better than focusing on other things first.

My whole point is that yes, when (if) they have sex they might find out they're incompatible and it be the end of the relationship, but the opposite is also true, they could know they're sexually compatible and later realise they're not compatible for other reasons, so the op focusing specifically on them having had sex is taking a very limited view of what makes for longevity/value in a relationship.

And that's not even considering both that there's no need for a relationship to have guaranteed longevity before meeting family and that if e.g. they're both asexual, them not having had sex is them being sexually compatible.

If you look at the stats less people in the younger generations are having sex for a whole variety of reasons like better entertainment or not feeling the peer pressure like we did in the day. As a parent I think you should be happy about this. Maybe she is doing it for religious reasons, maybe she is a sex shawl, or maybe he is. It's okay.

A sex shawl?

@Yoyoban

My whole point is that yes, when (if) they have sex they might find out they're incompatible and it be the end of the relationship, but the opposite is also true, they could know they're sexually compatible and later realise they're not compatible for other reasons, so the op focusing specifically on them having had sex is taking a very limited view of what makes for longevity/value in a relationship.

I totally agree. And actually recent popular culture has put such an emphasis on sex that young people have tended to over-emphasise it's importance in a relationship when in fact it's one part of a suite of things which matters.

Also I think a good sexual relationship is partly based on chemistry but it's also partly a reflection of the basic psychological health of a relationship: if you're fighting or feeling resentful or neglected the sex will suffer even if its intrinsically good. It's really important to see the whole thing as holistically as possible.

Sorry, bit of a derail but it's a really interesting discussion.

Not everyone likes sex and if a man or woman wants to wait and get to know their partner first then what's wrong with that. Are they strange to want to do that first. It doesn't mean that those men and women who give it up quickly make them bad people they probably love sex. We all have to find our match in this crazy world. It's pointless a woman or man who is less craven for sex to go with someone who loves it. That would not be a match made in heaven more like hell.

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

@EAC12 Sex is not a sign of commitment/seriousness of a relationship; often quite the opposite unfortunately.

Some people wait even until marriage. It doesn't mean they aren't committed. You've got this the wrong way round.

What does it matter to you whether he's been in her fanny?

Why is it Risky to portray as something? I am confused where the risk is? Also she may just be saying they have not slept together but in fact were like rabbits over Rome. When I met my DP he met my parents before we went to his home country on holiday, where we live now actually, i never once talked about the sex life. I don't think I called him my boyfriend as it just sounded like kids, like i was 14 or something.

Sorry, I’m not sure what that’s got to do with what a wrote?

I haven’t once said everyone should be shagging every person they meet or that anyone is strange for waiting!

Simply that there's been a lot of talk about how op should be proud of her daughter for not having sex. Nobody should be any more proud of a child that abstains than one who has lots of sex. Both are perfectly acceptable life choices (and absolutely nothing to do with a parent!).

@SwingTheMonkey

Simply that there's been a lot of talk about how op should be proud of her daughter for not having sex. Nobody should be any more proud of a child that abstains than one who has lots of sex. Both are perfectly acceptable life choices (and absolutely nothing to do with a parent!)

Totally agree with you on this and there's an unpleasantly Victorian tone to some of the posts implying that people who wait are somehow morally superior and that their relationships are of higher quality.

It's totally up to individuals as to whether they have sex and when they have it and there's no correlation whatsoever between the time you wait before having sex and the durability of the relationship. That attitude is a hangover from the days when witholding sex was seen as a necessary weapon that women were supposed to employ to persuade a man to marry them and good riddance to it. (See also the deeply unpleasant 'why buy the cow when you've already got the milk' meme which always comes up on marriage threads).

Sex is not currency for people to exchange in pursuit of financial goals.

Victorian attitude?

"Upon entering into the world of prostitution, there were several different avenues that could be taken by prostitutes including military encampments, brothels and streetwalking. The number of women prostituting during the Victorian Age was staggeringly high."

Fucking hell women have choices today whether to spread thy legs or not. Shock horror women have better career choices. They don't have to give sex to get a man they can choose to abstain.

Does it matter whether the op did or didn't bring her up to show respect and to respect herself does it matter whether it was her influence or not. I think girls are a lot more emotional than men when it comes to sex and if you see a friend who is erratic with sex then that may persuade them to wait.

surely meeting the family is helpful to do before you know if the relationship is going anywhere serious, so you know what you are getting into, and also so your partner can see you interact with their family ie can you all get along together.

No, you’ve completely lost me here, I’m afraid. What has any of that got to do with what I’ve written? I’ve not said anything about how op has raised her child or what influence she’s had over her daughter?

I thought my point was fairly succinct and the fact that others clearly understood what I meant proves that!

By the way - girls aren’t ’a lot more emotional when it comes to sex’. That idea was just a way of controlling women to make sure they didn’t have multiple sexual partners - because you should be in love before you ‘give your innocence away’.

@EAC12

I find it totally bizarre that you insist on the using the awfully twee, "slept together" at the same time as taking an abnormal interest in your adult daughter's sexual relationships.

Odd all round.

@Carpediemmakeitcount

Fucking hell women have choices today whether to spread thy legs or not. Shock horror women have better career choices. They don't have to give sex to get a man they can choose to abstain.

That was my whole point. This whole narrative about waiting to have sex leading to better quality marriages is rooted in an old-fashioned idea that if you give away the goods too soon you will not get the man. Which is exactly why I find it irritating that people are implying that there's any kind of correlation between the length of time you wait to have sex and the quality/durability of your relationship. It's a total red herring.

It's a bit like The Rules and all that bollocks. Never being the first to call, never having sex before the third date. All of it has been given a very 21st century reboot and pretends to be about engendering respect from the man but it's basically an elaborate bargaining chip which has its roots in the very old-fashioned idea that if a man has sex with a woman he will lose interest afterwards and therefore the idea is to get them legally committed before they can back out.

It's pretty ugly stuff which has no place in the world we live in.

Just meet him. If they vrek up, they'll break up. If it's awkward, it's awkward. No need to overthink this. They have their reasons to do things in this order.

Meet him, greet him and be welcoming. If they break up at some point, so be it. It could happen whether they are bonking or not. I can't see the problem.

It sounds as though your DD is looking for something more than a shag and wants to take things slowly - that is fine; it is her choice.

Having sex isn't a marker of "seriousness". Me and OH had been together for 3 years before we had "proper" sex. We were serious, had been on holidays together, had discussed marriage and getting a house together etc., but just weren't ready to lose our virginities until the time was right. The difference is that no one knew we hadn't "done the deed" as it was something we didn't talk about with friends and family - I assume they'd all assumed we were sexually active by going on holidays together etc.

OP, kindly, do you not have much to worry about?
Whats the worst that can happen? Either they’ll split up or they’ll stay together. They may one day even have sex - then split up or stay together.
Either way she’s your daughter and it’s always nice to meet her friends, boyfriends, partners … and a chance to vet them too 😉

I think it is something impressive if someone can resist all the social expectations on us to have sex (at the very least we get it from individual men we date.) Sounds like she has a good guy there.

Someone who doesn't have sexual traction.