Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

[EAC12]

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

@determinedtomakethiswork - Taking that amount of time (5 months for goodness sake!) means it is more likely for things to go wrong, it is just not normal.

The OP is being both concerned and supportive. Whether you agree with her or not, using the word “insane” to describe her is offensive.

Meeting the parents isn’t that much of a big deal nowadays, you might meet 5 different partners before she settles down or this could be the one and only.

Maybe your right and they will break up when they have sex if they realise they aren’t compatable, but isn’t that your daughters business?

I find it strange you are thinking so much about your daughters sex life.

Absolutely bizarre. Anyway if a relative brought up something to do with my sex life I would probably also bat it off with a comment like your DD did to shut it down.

Awkward for who ?
I think your too involved instead of being happy for you Dd . Is this about your saving face if it all ends ?

Hmm I also think you're way over thinking this. Whether they've had sex isn't really any of your business, it doesn't equate to seriousness of relationship.
I also think it sounds like you're taking this 'meet the parents' far too seriously, it doesn't mean your daughter has to stay with him forever. Her relationship breaking down shouldn't be embarrassing or awkward for her, she might have a series of good relationships throughout her life that all serve a purpose and make her happy, she doesn't have to meet 'the one' and it isn't a failure if that doesn't last her whole life. I think your thinking around relationships is a bit skewed.

Can’t see really what the problem is. My parents met my boyfriends with the same ease as they met any other of our friends. It didn’t mean we were ready to marry them anytime soon.

Now, don’t take out her baby photos when you meet him!

It's literally non of your business whether your DD and her " 'partner' " (not sure of the use of quotation marks here, if she's says they're together, it makes no difference if they've had sex or not!).

You should be happy that she is confident enough in herself to have boundaries. And that she's found someone that respects and/or shares them. They sound perfectly compatible!

OP, you are behaving very oddly.

If people stopped basing their relationships on shagging, about 75% of the relationship problems aired on here wouldn't exist.

In your head, how does this one play out OP? Are you going to ask on a regular basis whether your DD and her partner have had sex before you will recognise her relationship? "darling, have you had coitus today? No? Better luck tomorrow".

This is absolutely crazy.

She's an adult so you should mind your business and not encourage her to do or not do anything.

You're essentially saying to her you don't want to meet her partner because they haven't had sex yet, which is fucking strange however you try to spin it.

Weird reaction. If her sister was making casual jokes or comments about her sex life maybe she was winding her sister up but denying she had even sex with him.

Very odd of you. In many cultures (including my own), people don't have sex until marriage and meeting parents is seen an important part of a healthy dating relationship and courtship.

In a world of tinder, casual hookups, using people as just bodies to get off with and not people etc I find your daughter and her partner very refreshing. I think you need to grow up.

😂😂😂😂😂

I don't think meeting family is a big deal. If you've spent months seeing someone then it's inevitable. It's not your call to decide if their relationship is serious or not. If anything I think their decision to wait makes them more committed, not less.

I once met the parents of a ons/fwb in the kitchen the next day. That was fun

I have not and do not discuss my sex life with my parents and siblings.

It's not really your business whether they've slept together or not - your DD wants to introduce you to her boyfriend. It's perfectly possible to be nice and welcoming in the full knowledge that this relationship may not be forever - I really don't think it's awkward in any way unless you make it awkward. Treat them like you would any other guest. Unless you are horrible to people you've never met before. Think of him as a friend if you like. Whatever helps but I'd say it's quite nice she wants you to meet this person. Realistically people might not marry the person they are dating at 23 - it's fine. My DS in only 19 and has a serious gf - I keep my opinions about it to myself and behave properly - for his sake. I think they are too young to be serious but I don't say that!!

We treat meeting the family as the absolute opposite-would always welcome adult kids’ boyfriends/girlfriends early on without making a big deal of it-making it something big just adds pressure where it’s not needed

Definitely tell her you don't want to meet him until they've had sex.

Either that or accept that you are totally over thinking this.

I agree. The fact they haven’t slept together isn’t an indicator that it’s any more or any less likely to break up. It could in fact suggest they have other reasons they are drawn to each other so actually the sex might be less of a factor for them anyway. How would you go about refusing? “ Oh I’d rather wait till you’ve thrown him round in the sack and know he’s a keeper.” They are probably going at it like rabbits and the comment was a defection/joke. In any case, it’s an honour - to you and him - she wants you to meet. I wouldn’t overthink it.

Sorry: “ deflection!”

Well guess what, the world is bigger than what you have known. Other people run their love lives in ways that you might not have experienced or even considered.

Im surprised that you have reached middle age and hadn’t found that out yet.

Now please PLEASE butt out of your adult kids sex lives. Because this isn’t normal or healthy.

I find this level of detail weird. You know some people don't have sex before marriage, should they never meet parents then, avoid them at the wedding? I also don't undertsand the problem with meeting someone that your DD might break up with. Relationships often don't last at that age, it doesn't mean that they're not important.

He is her boyfriend, though, not partner. That you live with partners or are otherwise long term committed is the hill that I will die on.

I've met a few Bfs before my Dds "settled" down usually after 3 or 4 months . I have no idea what they got up to in private and I didn't have a checklist of the seriousness of a relationship, I don't get the partner reference but that's up to your Dd and him I .think you need to chill out !

There are all kinds of important factors in compatibility, the fact that you are so hung up on sex determining compatibility IS odd. Do you also check if your other children have discussed whether they want children and marriage, how they handle disagreements, what their attitudes are to family involvement, politics, religion, finances, travel or any of the other many things that could break a relationship before you agree to meet them.

The fact that they are both happy to be meeting family before they've had sex is a sign of compatibility, their priorities don't need to align with yours - they need to align with each others.

Also did you never meet boyfriends when they were not having sex yet? I introduced my parents to several boys when I was a teenager and not yet sleeping with them.

This.
My dds haven’t had boyfriends yet, but I tend to meet any friends v early on. I think it would be the same with a boyfriend, why not ?
I also agree with the sex thing being totally irrelevant. There are still couples who wait until marriage, just as there are couples who sleep together early on.