Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

[EAC12]

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

Maybe stop worrying about your daughters sex life, what a weird thing to focus on!

Back in the old days this was completely normal! My nan & grandad didn't sleep together till married, they've been married over 60 years!

My kids were always bringing various girlfriends and boyfriends home, not specifically to meet me, just bringing them home like they would their friends.
One week they would bring Jane / John home, the next week Jane / John was history and Susan / Bob would be coming in instead. I never knew who would turn up next.
I have no idea if they had sex or not. Nor did I care.

You should probably just meet him and respect their dynamics. There could be personal choice issues, religious reasons ,physical reasons that's kinda between them and that's the way it should be. By all means if you're curious try asking your daughter. But yes you you sound like a control freak tbf

You're her mum. Your role is to love and support her, not to judge her and dismiss the important relationships in her life because she doesn't measure those relationships by the same yardstick as you. Maybe they will never have sex. Maybe they will wait until marriage. Maybe there's a medical reason. Maybe it's just a choice for one or both of them. None. Of. Your. Business.

Clearly they are serious about each other to the extent that they are going on holidays together and meeting each other's families. They don't need to have had sex to prove to outsiders - least of all her actual mother! - that they care about each other and see a future in the relationship.

The way you talk about your daughter and compare her negatively to her siblings and yourself is really disrespectful and no doubt she would find it extremely hurtful if she knew you harboured these thoughts. She sounds like she knows what she wants and knows how to hold a boundary. You should be proud of her, not starting threads on Mumsnet about how you find her choices odd and using speech marks to ridicule and dismiss her i.e. "dating" and "partner".

DH and I had been together a long time, were engaged and started the process of buying our house before we slept together! My parents would never have met any of my boyfriends if I’d had to be sleeping with them before they would do so!
If your DD wants you to meet her partner just meet him!

Wow - and all those thousands of parents who would be so proud of their daughter taking things slowly and building up a relationship!!

I’d have loved to be a fly on the wall when you did your DM talk about birth control with your kids…

Because the daughter said so.

I think the OP is coming from a place of concern about her daughter getting heavily invested in a relationship before she doesn't know if she'll be compatible with him.

I'd want to know why they haven't had sex,it's unusual at that age , I wouldn't ask but I'd be concerned there might be a reason which might only get worse over time and that might affect the daughter's happiness. You only have to read the relationship posts on MN to see how many issues there are with sex due to over use of porn/ death grip. All the warning signs were there at the beginning but they think it'll improve.

Just meet him OP and you'll be in a better position to form an opinion and support your daughter. Hope everything works out for them.

What on earth is the problem?

How the world has changed. Dating someone for five months and not having had sex with them was considered normal two generations ago. They both sound sensible and mature.

This obsession with your daughters sex life is utterly bizarre. Be happy she wants to introduce you to her partner

@Dontbeme

Family wide approval - great now I have a mental image of the OP and family standing outside a bedroom door with score cards waiting to evaluate this poor lads performance.

LOL. I didn't quite mean it like that. But, and maybe I'm a complete prude, the idea of keeping your siblings and parents in the loop about your sex life makes me vaguely uncomfortable.

Why do they need to be 'serious' before you meet him?

Exactly, I would have thought that they were more serious than if they had had sex.

Find it hard to believe that your notion of how valid or serious a relationship is is based on have they had sex. By that logic if she had met a guy in a club and bonked his brains out all that first night you would be happier to meet him than the nice, respectful and patient guy she is currently with who clearly through his willingness to wait for sex sees his relationship with your daughter as a long term thing? You sound weird

@Mikimoto - So intimacy deprivation is a good thing? How do they even know they are sexually compatible? Why should a parent be proud of their daughter for not having sex? It’s nothing to be proud of or ashamed of. Would the same attitude apply to a son?

Taking things slowly is absolutely no guarantee of a better relationship. The “Relationships” section of MN, which is full of people with problems emphasises the point.

In contrast, my own sister has been happily married for years and bedded her now husband at a friend’s wedding within hours of meeting him.

It gets me that these days meeting the parents means you are serious but having sex means nothing. It was somewhat the other way around when I entered my 20s in the very early 80s. If you were living at home they’d inevitably meet the parents when picking you up from home.

OP you are being so, so weird about this! Back the fuck off and let her do her own thing in her own way.

I'd want to know why they haven't had sex,it's unusual at that age , I wouldn't ask but I'd be concerned there might be a reason...

Christ on a bike. Some people's interst with their children's sex lives on here is frankly disturbing!

Every chance she has slept with him and doesn't want to tell the world and her mother. Even if she hasn't 5 months is beginning to get serious, maybe she wants your opinion before she takes it further.

Quite honestly, you sound insane. Most parents are worrying about their children having sex with people when they are not in a proper relationship. You're getting yourself in a twist about your daughter taking her time.

Not everyone jumps into bed at the drop of a hat. Some people wait. It has no bearing on how serious the relationship is.

You've had some hyperbolic replies, OP. AIBU seems to encourage this sort of reducto ad absurdum. Probably best to just ignore them and deal only with the people reading you in good faith.

Interesting that, but the daughter is talking about her and her boyfriend's sex life in public. Sounds like a power play to me and it makes me uncomfortable.

I wouldn't want to meet a boy that my daughter was leading as merry dance. I'm not saying this girl is, but I'd want to make sure she wasn't before I met the boy.

This has to be one of the oddest posts I've seen on here. They are a couple, it doesn't matter whether they have had sex and it doesn't matter if they never do, it's nothing to do with you and doesn't make them any less a couple.