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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to come with my husband to visit MIL if she's diagnosed with cancer

107 replies

sandymama · 26/11/2023 21:32

My MIL and I don’t have the closest relationship - we are civil when we meet but aren’t particularly close. In the past there have been issues with disrespecting boundaries from her side (in my view) and I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m not warm enough, in that I make polite small talk whereas she’d prefer if I told her all about my deepest worries and had no issue inviting her to watch me give birth.

I am however incredibly close to my husband, as cliche as it sounds we’re best mates in every sense of the word, he’s said himself he isn’t comfortable talking to anyone about how he feels except with me. He is very close to his mum himself.

There’s a high chance MIL is about to be diagnosed with cancer (had cancer before, has all the symptoms again now, waiting for scan results). I asked my husband if it does get confirmed, would he like me and our 2yo daughter to come with him to visit. He said he will see how he feels. I REALLY feel I should come with him because apart from me he doesn’t truly share how he feels with anyone - not his mates, not his family. I’m happy to keep out of the way most of the time, to take our daughter out if at any time he needs to be 1 on 1 with family, to be there full time with family and not stay in a hotel as we normally do, anything. I just want to be there to support HIM because he has a tendency to bottle things up when he’s upset unless I work hard to get him to talk, and in the past that’s led to issues with his mental health. Also as a side point, I know how much his mum loves our daughter and if there is bad news it would cheer the whole family up hugely to see her, play with her (in the past she’s said it really cheered her up when she saw our daughter, during a difficult patch in her life), so from that point of view it would be good to go too.

Any advice? What should / shouldn’t I say in case of the diagnosis? How can I ensure I’m there to support him?

OP posts:
greenelight · 26/11/2023 21:34

I don't think you should be there if MIL wouldn't be keen. It's about her first and foremost.

hotcandle · 26/11/2023 21:35

You let him make up his own mind. You sound like you have good intentions but you don't need to be there when he visits his Mum. He will let you know when he needs you.

Cazziebo · 26/11/2023 21:35

Not appropriate. It's a medical appointment, not a family day out. It's not about you, and it's not about your DH. This is about the MIL.

Your DH goes with his mother. You wait at home and support him when he returns.

CaineRaine · 26/11/2023 21:36

This isn’t about what you think or even what your husband wants, this is about what your MIL wants. You don’t have to visit with him to support him.

BerriesNutsConkers · 26/11/2023 21:40

This is about MIL...........

As much as you want to be there for your husband, you need to be led by what he wants.

Marblessolveeverything · 26/11/2023 21:41

No, let him unburden when he returns. He needs to be fully present for MIL. And I would not want any child around while I process the shock.

By all means later yes organise a visit if MIl wants. This is completely about her needs first.

Original poster
sandymama · 26/11/2023 21:41

Cazziebo · 26/11/2023 21:35

Not appropriate. It's a medical appointment, not a family day out. It's not about you, and it's not about your DH. This is about the MIL.

Your DH goes with his mother. You wait at home and support him when he returns.

I don't mean coming to the appointment - none of her family would go to that. I just mean coming with him to visit his family (normally we all visit together) for a weekend in case it's confirmed.

OP posts:
Sunshineismyfavourite · 26/11/2023 21:42

I agree with the PPs. It's about your MiL not you or your daughter. I don't think you should be fighting to be there on this occasion. That said, yes I agree that young children can be very comforting at difficult times. You will have to be led by your DH and MiL on this I think. Maybe he wants some time just with him and his Mum? Maybe he needs to process things on his own before he shares his feelings with you? There'll be other opportunities to visit after the diagnosis (whatever that may be) won't there? You can be there at home for your DH to talk to after his visit. If you are as close as you say, then he will know you'll be there for him but you don't have to be physically there the whole time.

Albioncreed · 26/11/2023 21:44

No… no you don’t!

you let your husband go and spend time with his mum alone.

this is not about you

YourDiscoNeedsYou · 26/11/2023 21:46

I don’t think it’s appropriate if you’re not close to MIL. Also, not sure you’re on the money thinking a toddler would cheer everyone up when MIL just got cancer diagnosis for a second time. And it might not be ideal for your daughter to be around at the point where it’s first absorbed. Give them all chance to get their heads round it as much as possible.

Rocknrollstar · 26/11/2023 21:47

When my dear MiL was dying my DH took a back seat, a long way back. I was the one sitting on her bed and holding her hand while DH sat on a chair in the corner. I was also the one that carefully laid her newest great grand child on her stomach so she could ‘hold’ him. I don’t think you should force your way into the situation but I agree that your DD might lighten everyone’s mood. I also think that your DH might not necessarily make the right decision about whether you should go or not.

Mylovelygreendress · 26/11/2023 21:48

I adore my DGC ( and DC of course) but when I received my cancer diagnosis I just wanted to sit quietly with my DH while I digested the news .
Please stay away until your MIL is ready to see you ..

KrisAkabusi · 26/11/2023 21:49

It's up to her, not you.

friendsfiend · 26/11/2023 21:51

You have to do what he and she want.

If your husband decides to go alone, you need to accept that and be there for him when he gets home.

To be blunt you and your young child may be a distraction he doesn't need and he might feel torn between you.

LadyHag · 26/11/2023 21:52

Absolutely not appropriate.

Your MIL will want her immedite family, ger dh, her children at times.

You dont turn up to support your dh, you stay away, be there or your dh at homw, when he needs it, you focus on home, the children, so dh doesnt need to think of this and he can focus on his mum.

PatChaunceysFruitCake · 26/11/2023 21:52

You've said you have had issues with her disrespecting boundaries in the past. I think this is the same...you need to respect her boundaries. If she wouldn't want you there then don't go.

TheresaCrowd · 26/11/2023 21:54

Woaah! You're like a bull in a china shop here.

Step back and calm it down a bit.

The most important person in all of this is your MIL. If she wants you there, I'm sure she'll say so.

Pumpkinpie1 · 26/11/2023 21:59

I think you are being pushy and rather controlling.
You don’t have a loving relationship with MIL & hold her at arms length- your choice we are all different.
But facing a cancer diagnosis is very personal & she doesn’t need someone whose visiting not to support her , but who wants to control & oversee her husband’s behaviour.
Its not really the time to have a small child visit however beloved they are.
Let your husband chose without your interference

AuContraire · 26/11/2023 21:59

Not appropriate, just stay behind and let him go to his mum. You can see him and talk to him when he's home.

And definitely don't bring your 2 year old until the news has settled, probably a few weeks later at least.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 26/11/2023 21:59

@sandymama I'm sorry your MIL might be going through cancer again.

Are you usually such an anxious person.

you don't need to be planning what you'll do if she gets a diagnosis.

just see how it all goes...

if necessary do you have family/friends that could have DD for a couple/few days, maybe give them the heads up.

but also your DH can talk to you when he gets home.

Tigertigertigertiger · 26/11/2023 22:00

Don't go.

user1471556818 · 26/11/2023 22:00

TheresaCrowd · 26/11/2023 21:54

Woaah! You're like a bull in a china shop here.

Step back and calm it down a bit.

The most important person in all of this is your MIL. If she wants you there, I'm sure she'll say so.

Absolutely as above you don't like her you think she doesn't like you .This is about her not you .Let her have some time

Nicole1111 · 26/11/2023 22:01

As nice as it is to want to support your husband this weekend is not about him, or you. He has plenty of time to process his emotions if a cancer diagnosis happens, he doesn’t need to have you on hand to do it the minute his mum is diagnosed. In fact he might benefit from a chance to process it privately, without having to think about you and his daughter. He’s also an adult so if he needs the support I’m sure he’s capable of asking, even if he chooses not to seek that support.

WeightWhat · 26/11/2023 22:02

No, I tho k this would be a good opportunity for your MIL to be with DH without DIL.

Wanttobeok · 26/11/2023 22:02

No.

You're not even close to her! Leave her alone and let your husband go and see his mum.

He can talk to you when he gets back. Its a weekend visit, not 6 months