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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to come with my husband to visit MIL if she's diagnosed with cancer

107 replies

sandymama · 26/11/2023 21:32

My MIL and I don’t have the closest relationship - we are civil when we meet but aren’t particularly close. In the past there have been issues with disrespecting boundaries from her side (in my view) and I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m not warm enough, in that I make polite small talk whereas she’d prefer if I told her all about my deepest worries and had no issue inviting her to watch me give birth.

I am however incredibly close to my husband, as cliche as it sounds we’re best mates in every sense of the word, he’s said himself he isn’t comfortable talking to anyone about how he feels except with me. He is very close to his mum himself.

There’s a high chance MIL is about to be diagnosed with cancer (had cancer before, has all the symptoms again now, waiting for scan results). I asked my husband if it does get confirmed, would he like me and our 2yo daughter to come with him to visit. He said he will see how he feels. I REALLY feel I should come with him because apart from me he doesn’t truly share how he feels with anyone - not his mates, not his family. I’m happy to keep out of the way most of the time, to take our daughter out if at any time he needs to be 1 on 1 with family, to be there full time with family and not stay in a hotel as we normally do, anything. I just want to be there to support HIM because he has a tendency to bottle things up when he’s upset unless I work hard to get him to talk, and in the past that’s led to issues with his mental health. Also as a side point, I know how much his mum loves our daughter and if there is bad news it would cheer the whole family up hugely to see her, play with her (in the past she’s said it really cheered her up when she saw our daughter, during a difficult patch in her life), so from that point of view it would be good to go too.

Any advice? What should / shouldn’t I say in case of the diagnosis? How can I ensure I’m there to support him?

OP posts:
OrigamiOwl · 26/11/2023 22:03

This is about your MIL, not you or your DH.

You've openly said you're not close, this isn't the time to try and insert yourself into things.

Thatfeatherthere · 26/11/2023 22:05

There's an awful lot of 'I' in your post, but nothing about what your MiL might want. The most important person in all this is her. She can deal with this however she chooses, but she gets the choice, not you.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/11/2023 22:06

Your MiL's decision whether she wants her son, both of you, or to turn it into a family outing with a picnic.
& If she says she's not fussed whether just her son or you as well, then it's his decision.

Some people are weird.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 26/11/2023 22:08

Don't go unless she asks you to.

Notonthestairs · 26/11/2023 22:12

It's down to his mum.

But in my view if he's visiting for a weekend he should go alone.
No doubt he will be able to unburden himself to you afterwards or privately over the phone.

The sad fact is that they'll need many months of support. Don't start off on the wrong foot if you are not directly invited.

Ywlala92 · 26/11/2023 22:14

I really don't think having a 2 year old around the weekend after a family member has been diagnosed with cancer is appropriate at all. They need time to digest the news, talk about potential medical plans, discuss important issues. I see your point about potentially cheering up people but in my opinion that'd be more appropriate for a week or two after the news.

You have asked him, he said he'll let you know. You do not go unless he asks. I appreciate you want to support him but chances are he isn't going to talk around his other family members anyway, and will lean on you when he gets home. He also probably needs the time to focus just on his mam.

saraclara · 26/11/2023 22:15

No no NO!

You are not close to her. She is not close to you. If she has bad news, the last thing she'll want is to be around sometime she's not comfortable with, and has to host. Nor should she have to put a brave face on because there's a small child around.

I don't understand why you see your DH as the priority rather than his mother. I really don't.

When my dad had cancer and our children were small, my DH held the fort at home, which was incredibly valuable. I'm like your husband. I'm not a feelings sharer either. Which is why I valued being left alone to manage whatever I had to deal with when things were rough with my dad and I had to go up there.

DH and the kids came with me to visit when things were reasonably stable. But neither my dad nor I needed the extra stress of other people around when things were scary.

You're putting yourself front and centre here, and it's not appropriate.

NeedToChangeName · 26/11/2023 22:18

OP, you might find it helpful to look into "onion theory"

In short, this means that MIL needs take priority over DH, his needs take priority over yours etc

SunPlant20 · 26/11/2023 22:19

I'm sure your mil adores your dc, but whenever children are around, everyone is required to put on a happy face for the child's sake. That to me just seems like an extra burden for your mil and other family members (including your dh) at a difficult time. I think just let your dh go alone and just be there for his mum.

If the visit is just for a weekend, no harm will come to your dh bottling things up for a couple of days. He can open up to you (if that's what he wants) when he gets back.

reesewithoutaspoon · 26/11/2023 22:20

No, because if she does get a diagnosis she needs to deal with that with people around her who can support her, not have to 'keep it together ' so as not to frighten the two year old. This is a time that needs to be about her solely, unless she specifically requests to see her GC

Riverstep · 26/11/2023 22:22

In this situation your mil and her feelings take priority. It’s not for you or even your husband to decide who should be there that weekend. I don’t know why you would want to impose in this way when (by your own admission) you aren’t even close. You can support your husband when he returns home.

HeddaGarbled · 26/11/2023 22:25

Yes, agree with all PPs - this is a time for close family. I’m sure there’ll be other opportunities for you and your daughter to visit in the future, just not right now.

Hankunamatata · 26/11/2023 22:25

No. Dh needs to go alone not be distracted by you and his 2 year old. You can support him via phone and when he gets home

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/11/2023 22:28

You expecting to be there with DD being the star of the show/comic relief/whatever is the same level of inappropriate intrusion as MIL expecting to be there at the business end as you pushed your DD out.

Be supportive when your DH comes home.

HardcoreLadyType · 26/11/2023 22:29

I have been in a very similar position. You do need to be emotionally available for your DH, but he needs to be physically there for his mum.

Dont go; if he needs to talk to someone, he will call you.

DaggerIsle · 26/11/2023 22:30

Yes, just play it by ear.
Don't impose anything (specially not a toddler) and wait and see what happens.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2023 22:33

Good grief, op, your opinion, not your husband's, even comes into play here. Your MIL is the only one who gets to decide who visits her at such a difficult time.

It's kind of shocking how you are making this all about what you want. Your husband is not a child. He will be perfectly fine without you for a few days.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 26/11/2023 22:33

Respect what your husband is asking.

Let him go alone if he needs to.

Didimum · 26/11/2023 22:34

Priority is what she wants, then what your DH wants. I’m sorry, but you come last in this pecking order, and you’re sort of making it about you? There will be plenty of time to support your husband when you are with him.

Topee · 26/11/2023 22:35

It sounds like you want to be there and are infantilising your husband to justify what you want.

Let him have some time with his mum.

Chagallo · 26/11/2023 22:35

It's not about you or your DH. It's about her and what she wants. Nothing else.

WrongSwanson · 26/11/2023 22:36

You talk about her not respecting your boundaries and it seems the same applies in reverse.

Let your husband go to support her. Your job is to support him when he gets back and in the months that follow.

I am sure she will get comfort from her grandchild during the months that follow, but immediately after diagnosis won't be the right moment

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2023 22:38

My MIL and I don’t have the closest relationship - we are civil when we meet but aren’t particularly close. In the past there have been issues with disrespecting boundaries from her side (in my view)

Oh, the irony.

lunar1 · 26/11/2023 22:41

They are mother and son, give them some space. Your op sounds quite emotionally manipulative.

YoBeaches · 26/11/2023 22:43

You can support your husband without being disrespectful to your MIL. Whatever the situation is, it's about her. Not you, nor your DH.

You sound extremely controlling to be honest. It's not even like you want to make amends on her death bed?

Stay out of it and respect the boundaries she chooses to manage her illness and / or end of life.