To want to come with my husband to visit MIL if she's diagnosed with cancer

[sandymama]

My MIL and I don’t have the closest relationship - we are civil when we meet but aren’t particularly close. In the past there have been issues with disrespecting boundaries from her side (in my view) and I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m not warm enough, in that I make polite small talk whereas she’d prefer if I told her all about my deepest worries and had no issue inviting her to watch me give birth.

I am however incredibly close to my husband, as cliche as it sounds we’re best mates in every sense of the word, he’s said himself he isn’t comfortable talking to anyone about how he feels except with me. He is very close to his mum himself.

There’s a high chance MIL is about to be diagnosed with cancer (had cancer before, has all the symptoms again now, waiting for scan results). I asked my husband if it does get confirmed, would he like me and our 2yo daughter to come with him to visit. He said he will see how he feels. I REALLY feel I should come with him because apart from me he doesn’t truly share how he feels with anyone - not his mates, not his family. I’m happy to keep out of the way most of the time, to take our daughter out if at any time he needs to be 1 on 1 with family, to be there full time with family and not stay in a hotel as we normally do, anything. I just want to be there to support HIM because he has a tendency to bottle things up when he’s upset unless I work hard to get him to talk, and in the past that’s led to issues with his mental health. Also as a side point, I know how much his mum loves our daughter and if there is bad news it would cheer the whole family up hugely to see her, play with her (in the past she’s said it really cheered her up when she saw our daughter, during a difficult patch in her life), so from that point of view it would be good to go too.

Any advice? What should / shouldn’t I say in case of the diagnosis? How can I ensure I’m there to support him?

You can support him when he returns home.

There is no need for you to make this about you

It’s whatever your mil wants. If your bloke - who knows her inside out - says no, you sit down and shut up.

In the context of your relationship as you’ve described it, no I wouldn’t insist on going to visit.

Well I’m not a MIL but have experience of DH being diagnosed with cancer and I can tell you all decisions were made bearing in mind his preferences first and foremost.

You seem hellbent on being there whether you’re welcome or not. The thing is you might be welcome but the decision is not yours. You could offer to come along with DD or maybe offer to join them on the second day of the weekend but whatever the answer is you need to say that’s fine and not interjecting with all these reasons why you should be there.

I expect they might like a bit of space initially but that’s only my guess, the only way to know for sure is to have DH ask MIL (not you asking). If they would prefer you’re not there you can support him when he’s home, give him a chance to process things too.

You sound very immature and infantising your DH.

He’s a grown up and you need to listen to what he’s saying.

Your DD maybe be a ‘distraction’ but that’s a low blow considering the circumstances.

You are thinking about your DH being the one who needs support and you are the best person to provide that support.

however, it’s your MIL who needs the support in this situation, and then secondary your dh. You should only go if you genuinely think you can support your MIL and she would want you there. From what you’ve said, that’s not the case.

stay away until invited. It’s probably going to be a long road, there’s going to be time to offer support to your dh - this isn’t it.

No, i love my dgc and have a very good relationship with dil but if you'd have to stay over night I'm not sure I'd be up for toddlers, if he can go for the day I think he should do that on his own the first time as well

I didn't take any of my at the time young children the first time I visited my gps or mum after their cancer dx. Let her have some time with just her son

What your mil wants comes first. She might not even want anyone to visit.

This isn't about him getting support. It's about him giving support.

If you were to go, your role would also be to support her, not him. As you aren't close to her I think it's probably best you don't go. He will need to hold himself together until he gets home. It's really not about him.

I'm the MIL in this scenario

I'm not close to my DIL but we get on fine

My son came with me and continues to come to all my oncology appointments. My DIL doesn't and I wouldn't want her to. She sends me kind and supportive messages, after DS updates her

Leave your DH to be with his mother and offer what support you can after

Wow. If she is diagnosed with cancer you’re just going to make an already intensely difficult weekend even harder. Let the poor woman spend time with her son without worrying about trying to accommodate someone who obviously dislikes her.

Are you always this pushy? Listen to your husband.. he's said he'll see how he feels. In other words, he wants to be with his mum without you there taking over. Just leave them be, and be there for him when he comes home.
This is not about you!

I say no. You e distanced yourself from someone he is extremely close to, she k owes you don't like her, and expect to be there at her most vulnerable. I understand you want to support your husband but it would be shitty of you to go

Stay away - not the time for you to intrude, he can open up to you later

It's up to your MIL.

Your DH is there to support his mother. He's an adult and I'm sure he can cope with bottling up his feelings for a weekend. You can talk about it when he gets back

What the rest said. You’re sounding rather managerial about your DH’s emotions here. Maybe he’s happy bottling things up, and doesn’t want you ‘working hard’ to ‘make him talk’, especially if he’s dealing with his mum dealing with a cancer diagnosis?

Respect his wishes when he arrives at them. on his schedule. He will want to be thinking about her without having to juggle your competing demands for him to ‘share’, especially when you aren’t particularly bothered by the likely diagnosis on your own account.

Your best support will be in letting him make the decisions he needs to, and to let him come to you if and when he wants to, or not.

I’m that MIL and no, I wouldn’t want you there.

As others have said - NO please don't do that. If she gets a cancer diagnosis for the second time, she will be devastated. Quite understandable that your DH may want just to spend time with his Mum, the first weekend after that diagnosis on his own. It's only a weekend, you can help him offload once he returns home

It's also entirely inappropriate to take your small DC to visit until your MIL has had time to process things - then I'm sure your DC visiting WILL be appreciated.

But it may be that MIL doesn't want anyone to visit immediately after she gets a bad diagnosis.

I don't really understand why you are trying to plan this all out right now and aren't just waiting to find out and then 'go with the flow'.

I think you should respect his wishes and let him see how he feels.

He might want to be upset away from your child. He can process things with you when he gets home.

In the past there have been issues with disrespecting boundaries from her side (in my view)

I wonder what mil would say about this, seeing how comprehensively you seem to want to trash her boundaries @sandymama.

You can support him from afar . Leave him with his mother . She needs HIS support .

When my mum had cancer, my sister used to bring her youngest boy with her to cheer my mum up. It was terrible. Mum wasn’t fit for a toddler and just didn’t have any time or patience for him.

Op he knows if he needs you, you'll be there. That's enough. Let him do what he needs to do, support that choice and then support him after that choice.

Stay home and be the support he needs on his return. Let him have that time with his mum.