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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to come with my husband to visit MIL if she's diagnosed with cancer

107 replies

sandymama · 26/11/2023 21:32

My MIL and I don’t have the closest relationship - we are civil when we meet but aren’t particularly close. In the past there have been issues with disrespecting boundaries from her side (in my view) and I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m not warm enough, in that I make polite small talk whereas she’d prefer if I told her all about my deepest worries and had no issue inviting her to watch me give birth.

I am however incredibly close to my husband, as cliche as it sounds we’re best mates in every sense of the word, he’s said himself he isn’t comfortable talking to anyone about how he feels except with me. He is very close to his mum himself.

There’s a high chance MIL is about to be diagnosed with cancer (had cancer before, has all the symptoms again now, waiting for scan results). I asked my husband if it does get confirmed, would he like me and our 2yo daughter to come with him to visit. He said he will see how he feels. I REALLY feel I should come with him because apart from me he doesn’t truly share how he feels with anyone - not his mates, not his family. I’m happy to keep out of the way most of the time, to take our daughter out if at any time he needs to be 1 on 1 with family, to be there full time with family and not stay in a hotel as we normally do, anything. I just want to be there to support HIM because he has a tendency to bottle things up when he’s upset unless I work hard to get him to talk, and in the past that’s led to issues with his mental health. Also as a side point, I know how much his mum loves our daughter and if there is bad news it would cheer the whole family up hugely to see her, play with her (in the past she’s said it really cheered her up when she saw our daughter, during a difficult patch in her life), so from that point of view it would be good to go too.

Any advice? What should / shouldn’t I say in case of the diagnosis? How can I ensure I’m there to support him?

OP posts:
WinterNamechange · 26/11/2023 23:54

Are you sure it was your MiL that was the one who was disrespecting boundaries? Your husband said he would let you know and you are already planning to rail road him into letting you come. If I was in your MiL’s position I would want to spend a bit time with my children too process the news, not their suffocating spouses who I wasn’t even close to.

Mylovelygreendress · 26/11/2023 23:57

I have a feeling that the OP is determined to go .
There is no way I could have coped with a toddler immediately after I was told I had cancer . Fortunately my DC respected that.

Bigbiggirlinabigbigworld · 27/11/2023 00:01

I don't think I've ever seen a thread where every single poster unanimously agrees before!

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 27/11/2023 00:01

It's really your husband's decision on whether he wants you there or not. He knows best how you can support him and he may want to be alone with his mum.

saraclara · 27/11/2023 00:16

I've just re-read your OP. You really do seem to infantilise him and think you know what's best for him. He's a grown man. You're not his mother.

As someone else who's private you insisting on 'making him' talk about his feelings makes me shudder.
You dislike your MIL wanting to share your every feeling with her, yet you treat your DH the same way.

He's an adult. He can cope with a weekend up there on his own, and withsupporting his mum. It's almost as if you want him to need you, rather than you trusting in his own maturity and his relationship with his mum.

Your attitude really doesn't make sense to me. You seem to want him to be dependent on you. He can do this alone, and it's very likely that he needs to, for his sake as well as his mum's..

SanctuaryCity · 27/11/2023 00:31

You talk about her disrespecting boundaries but he has picked a wife just like his mum. You treat him like a child - I’m not surprised you clash as he now has two overbearing women in his life. This is about her and her diagnosis - you shouldn’t meddle or impose - just stay away and provide support when he is at home.

Maddy70 · 27/11/2023 01:06

Thus is about your mil wishes

Canisaysomething · 27/11/2023 01:35

No need to baby him. He’s a grown adult who is capable of handling emotion on his own with his mother. He can phone you if he needs to talk to you.

SheTookChances · 27/11/2023 01:38

If I’d had bad news, I wouldn’t want someone around me that I wasn't close to and only civil with. It would really annoy me actually. Your husband is an adult, he’ll cope, and can talk to you when he’s home.

Badgrief · 27/11/2023 01:40

How you feel is not important. Even how your DH feels is less important than what his mother wants. Be guided by her.

Mumminma · 27/11/2023 01:54

I agree with the advice you’ve been given.

Could you work on this?
“I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m not warm enough, in that I make polite small talk whereas she’d prefer if I told her all about my deepest worries and had no issue inviting her to watch me give birth.”

When my DiL moves beyond social niceties and gives me a hug it means a lot.

BlueEyedPeanut · 27/11/2023 02:15

I agree with everyone else. You can support your DH without being there physically. Your MIL needs to be surrounded by people who love her and who she loves. It isn't appropriate for you to put yourself in the middle of that, nor is it appropriate for your child to be there taking away attention unless MIL specifically asks. Clearly your DH knows this, hence why he hasn't told you to come. If you really want to support him, tell him you understand if he doesn't think it is a good idea.

aurynne · 27/11/2023 02:28

If you were waiting for a possible cancer diagnosis... would you want someone you dislike present there, or your one of your children?

Stop making this about you and let your DH's mother choose who is there in her time of need. Which I strongly suspect, won't be you.

mugofstew · 27/11/2023 02:29

I really like my MIL, she visits our house for several weeks at a time, we often holiday as a family and she & I can happily go out for the day together.

I would still let her spend the weekend after she got a cancer diagnosis just with her son because she is his mother.
I'd give your MIL this weekend OP.

mugofstew · 27/11/2023 02:31

And she accidentally ended up staying for my birth experience now I think about it.
But still no, I wouldn't intrude.

Redskyatwhatever · 27/11/2023 02:38

Using your child as a wedge to force yourself in where neither your husband or your MIL want you to be, isn’t acceptable OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/11/2023 02:45

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2023 22:38

My MIL and I don’t have the closest relationship - we are civil when we meet but aren’t particularly close. In the past there have been issues with disrespecting boundaries from her side (in my view)

Oh, the irony.

Agreed.

You’re infantilising your dh. Your mil is the priority here.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 27/11/2023 04:39

I agree with everyone else, you be guided by your DH, and if he says he would rather go alone then step back. Your intentions are good, but this is not about how you feel and what you think your DH needs.

SpamFritterSandwich · 27/11/2023 04:43

No. Don't go.
Plenty of time to support DH at home and visit mil with DD in the future.

CherryBlossoms88 · 27/11/2023 05:16

Jesus Christ, this woman might be diagnosed with a terminally ill disease and all you can think about is yourself and your husband in this situation?!!! You should be thinking what’s best for your mother in law and what does SHE want. If she wants just 1:2:1 time with her son then leave them to it. If she wants the whole family with DGD there then bring her. However don’t get pushy or in get in the way if all she wants to do is be with her son.

Firebug007 · 27/11/2023 05:40

You say it's the MIL with the issues respecting boundaries, you'd never know from this post. Stay away unless invited.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 27/11/2023 06:06

No, he deserves the time with his mum without having to think about you and your dynamic with her.

Step back and let them have their time together and be there for him when he gets home.

Tilllly · 27/11/2023 09:10

@sandymama
You ok?
What have you decided?

MimiGC · 27/11/2023 09:35

You seem to have a bit of a 'saviour' attitude towards your husband ie you, and only you, are able to support him in the way he needs to avert any mental health problems . That's not a healthy dynamic, for him to be so dependent on you. Give them both some space and visit your MIL another time.

OCDmama · 27/11/2023 10:18

Absolutely not. Your DH goes alone, and to be honest, it sounds like you are the one that needs boundaries.

If someone you are admittedly not close to gets a cancer diagnosis, you don't barge into their home.