He's hesitant about committing to a mortgage with me after years

[Melindamessenger1]

Lived together for 3 years and together for nearly 4, renting. He's mentioned wanting to own a home many times, not necessarily with me but just wanting to not have to pay rent and to have a place to call your own.
We're in the North and only looking at modest properties, i.e 90k max. We've got enough for a 5% deposit and also have enough for shared ownership schemes we've looked at.
We currently pay £1050 for all rent, utilities and CT so frankly a mortgage would probably be cheaper and for a bigger home.
I started talking earlier about making an appointment on Monday and he started to show hesitation, saying, ahh I just don't know, it's such a huge thing to think about, I just really don't know.
The other issue is area. We could get a lot more for our money in another area but he will not budge. He said he'd move within a 5 mile radius roughly but that's it.
Another issue is a pet. I've wanted a cat for a while, I've owned cats before and I wouldn't even expect him to look after it, but he won't have any sort of pet. I even suggested a goldfish but he wasn't keen.
I ended up telling him I feel that nothing is ever on my terms and he said he's sorry. I also feel sad that even after several years of living together he's clearly hesitant to enter into a mortgage with me.

I’d push ahead alone if you can afford to. It doesn’t have to spell the end of the relationship but I wouldn’t wait for him to decide what he wanted.

I'd understand if I were badgering him to commit to a 700k property or something very expensive for us but this would be well within affordability. He's the one who even wanted home ownership more than me tbh.

I'm not sure if I can afford it alone, I'll try and see. It just hurts after already living together years. It's understandable I'd I'd suggested it after 3 months or something but pretty much most people I know own together by now (if they're in a position to do so )

If he's already impossible can you imagine throwing a house into the mix?

I'm not asking him to move to Australia, I suggested places which are approx 30 mins train away.

Well, you have acknowledged yourself that nothing is ever on your terms, so you need to think about what you do going forward.

There are pros and cons to renting/buying depending on individual circumstances.

Are you hoping to have children with this man? Is he going to jointly support a child or will the onus going to be on you.

I think it's a bigger issue than just a mortgage. But a lot will also depend on what sort of bloke he is overall.

Not saying LTB at all, but you should be considering your options and being sure about what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

Look in the cheaper location and do it on your own.

Then get 2 cats, they're better company than a man who doesn't want to share with you and who wants everything his own way.

Totally agree with @HellonHeels

He is telling you something important very clearly.

I would go it alone if you can afford it make some enquires and see if it possible.Even a 1 bed shared ownership just tohave your own place would be a start.He May come around to the idea but I doubt it.Make your own decisions and move to wherever you want.

It doesn’t sound like you’re really compatible or that your aims in life align very well. He’s not keen to commit or even to consider compromise after 4 years.

It may be time to start thinking about what your life can look like without him.

What is the long-term vision here? Is there one? The only one I can make out is that you, very wisely, would like to own a property - good for you and I hope you achieve that. But in terms of this relationship - what do you want from it? That's not very clear and it kind of sounds like you're drifting along together without a shared vision. If that's the case, are you happy with that?

@Melindamessenger1

If you are in a position to go ahead with your plans without him (talk to an independent financial advisor/mortgage broker) and put them into practice. Don't let a ditherer, blowing hot and cold, delay you moving in the direction you want. And yes, get your cats - they'll give you more live and attention than this man who's not committing every therapy. 🌹

Honestly…
buy what you want where you want. On your own. And get the cat if you want it.

He can move in with you (if you want) or not.
but then it’s yours and it’s stable.

This guy isn’t going to be around in 5 years if he gets a better offer…you have no shared future goals or plans and it reads like you are just drifting along.

To me, it sounds as if he's really worried about committing to a mortgage but I can't see anything to suggest that the reservations are anything to do with you.

You've managed to save a 5% deposit for a £90k home and are looking at shared ownership. This suggests that you do not have huge amounts of cash. Is he worried about spending your savings in a time of impending recession, worried about his job, worried about maintenance costs, has read all the recent negative news about shared ownership? In a falling market, I don't think it's a bad thing to be cautious.

So the other points - he wants to live in the nice area where you can get something for £90k, not in an even cheaper area where you could get a bigger house. I think he's right. If this is an investment, you buy in the best area you can afford.

Pets. Everyone needs to want the pet. The person who doesn't want a pet takes priority, like the person who doesn't want another baby takes priority. You can't force someone to have a pet.

So to me, it isn't 'everything on his terms' it's 'everything is on the terms of the person who is talking the most sense.'

Can you buy a flat on your own? I’d be moving on. Don’t be a passenger n your own life , waiting for a man to drive

I agree with HellOnHeels.

if he won’t commit to buying with you after this many years - he’s not that into you. I’m sorry.

Some people are just hesitant with mortgages and large financial commitment anyway, throw in a relationship and things can become scary quickly so I think it's unfair for people to just say "he's not into you".

I think he needs to explain himself clearly, but he sounds anxious.
After 3 years he must know if he's committed to the relationship so check on that and explain that this makes you feel as though he isn't and he can explain exactly what his concerns are. He's a man though, so you know, it can be like getting blood out of a stone.

I definitely wouldn't tie myself to him via a mortgage. Move out and go it alone.

I'm sorry OP but he's clearly saying he's not that into you. Not enough to commit to a mortgage, and very probably not enough for marriage or children. However he does like his life right now as it requires zero effort on his part.

Time to look after yourself. Get your own place, get your own pet. Find someone who actively wants the same goals as you.

Hi op
Call me cynical are you sure he is financially up to it? No debts you don't know about etc

I hate to say it but I think he's afraid of the extra commitment both a pet and house brings. Breaking up is a lot messier with something big like that to sort out between you

All I know is that he's got zero debt and saves several hundred a month. The mortgage and bills would be slightly less than we pay now.

I think, maybe, he’s seen some of the incompatibility between you and thinks they’re a barrier to commitment. You value different things in a home (you put space over location, he puts location over space). You want pets he does not. These aren’t things people are necessarily willing to compromise on. So he’s reluctant to take a step like a joint mortgage. That’s not an unwise position. But I think it’s unlikely to take you both to a place where you agree and have a happy ever after.

If you’re happy enough with the status quo for now, then stick with it but start putting a bit more money aside for you. When you’re ready for something different I think you’re going to have to do it without him.

Yeah, echoing what pretty much everyone has already said: his actions and hesitation equals he does not want to buy a place with you. That's his perogative.

Personally I would get two cats (not kittens) and one bedroom home so which way.

Time to paddle your own canoe.

I won't force him to have a pet of course. It's just an example, a goldfish is hardly any bother, my point is that he won't compromise on a single thing.