He's hesitant about committing to a mortgage with me after years

[Melindamessenger1]

Lived together for 3 years and together for nearly 4, renting. He's mentioned wanting to own a home many times, not necessarily with me but just wanting to not have to pay rent and to have a place to call your own.
We're in the North and only looking at modest properties, i.e 90k max. We've got enough for a 5% deposit and also have enough for shared ownership schemes we've looked at.
We currently pay £1050 for all rent, utilities and CT so frankly a mortgage would probably be cheaper and for a bigger home.
I started talking earlier about making an appointment on Monday and he started to show hesitation, saying, ahh I just don't know, it's such a huge thing to think about, I just really don't know.
The other issue is area. We could get a lot more for our money in another area but he will not budge. He said he'd move within a 5 mile radius roughly but that's it.
Another issue is a pet. I've wanted a cat for a while, I've owned cats before and I wouldn't even expect him to look after it, but he won't have any sort of pet. I even suggested a goldfish but he wasn't keen.
I ended up telling him I feel that nothing is ever on my terms and he said he's sorry. I also feel sad that even after several years of living together he's clearly hesitant to enter into a mortgage with me.

He's not on the same page. Go it alone. With a mortgage of £90k, it won't be difficult.
It's fine for him to not want the same as you but don't waste too much time with this one if you want different things. Buy your own house, get yourself a child if that's what you want. Don't rely on men to deliver. You can afford to be single minded and go after what you want.

That’s a shit bleak relationship OP and I’m sad that you’re wasting your life with someone who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. It isn’t about home ownership it’s about an uncompromising selfish fucker.

i think a life partner is someone who can compromise, not one who cannot compromise on a single thing. I would save your own money from your new job and look at getting your own place, with a pet.

Dear Christ, are you actually considering staying with this man?

Of course he gets upset lovely. Splitting up without a woman waiting in the wings means he'll be single, cleaning up after himself, paying all the bills and not having sex. He will have to work at relationships and wine and dine.

It does seem that you are filing the GF space well but not a good fit for partner role. It doesn't make him evil but it doesn't make him good either. I am sure if you make plans to leave he will step up with something along the lines of a commitment but it will be meaningless and forced to get his life back on track, not yours.

I'd give up on this one, OP. You can't make him want to buy a house with you. He sounds too lazy to buy one on his own, so either you can stay with him, renting, or you can separate. Don't waste another year or two and then decide to separate - make a decision now.

You need to know the reasons for his hesitation.

5% is not a big deposit especially when looking for properties around £90k and saving ‘several hundred’ a month.

10% deposit minimum would put you in a better position and give you more mortgage options. You may also need savings for renovations, fees etc.

If his hesitation is financial (we are rushing into this without the cash behind us) or because he has genuine reasons why he would prefer to live in current location (better lifestyle, shorter commute, more amenities, family close by) you need to listen to him and think about what you want, those are valid reasons to delay.

If he doesn’t have any valid reasons you need to have a long think about whether this relationship is going anywhere long term and if you are prepared to go it alone, he wouldn’t be the first man to keep someone hanging without really committing.

You're Miss Right Now I'm afraid.
He doesn't seen you as a long term partner (unless he can't find anyone else).
Buy the.house, get the cats, make your own future.

If you’ve just started a new better job maybe you should use the shared costs of this relationship to save more of a deposit in your sole name .. two can play at that game

Buy a shared ownership of your own and get back on the dating scene. You need to get a wiggle on imo. Already been together 4 years and living together 3 at your age but won’t buy a house with you? He won’t have a child with you either he’ll string you along till Mrs right then they’ll be married and pregnant within 18m-2 years.

NB:
Proposals are cheap!
A cheap diamond on your finger doesn't mean he'll actually marry you...

I agree with @TeeBee , you’re not on the same page. If you’re not after four years together, I doubt that you will be.

I’d tell him that you’re definitely interested in owning your own home and you’ll be working towards that goal, with it without him. Perhaps having that ultimatum will help him decide what he really wants.

if he doesn’t want what you do, he can go.

This selfish, entitled man who lives his life on his terms and expects you to give up your own preferences has done you a huge favour here but I fear you are not picking up his very clear hint

He does not see a future with you and will not therefore commit to a mortgage with you.

Leave him.
Get a lovely cat, or four or five of them.

Buy a house yourself in the area where you could afford one.

There are men out there who are ready and willing to live in a relationship where there is mutual respect and love. The one you're in right now is not such a relationship.

No, he doesn't want kids because they would tie him down, and tie him to you.

He is placemarking with you.

He has not committed to you in his heart at all. You're nice to have around to share the rent, cook, clean, and share a bed with. For the time being.

I'm not sure if I can afford it alone, I'll try and see.

The worst reason to consider buying a property with someone is because you can't afford it, you're setting yourself up to be trapped with the person with no easy escape.

The second worst reason is to stay with someone who is making it clear he doesn't want to commit to you and doesn't care about how you feel. That's abundantly clear from what you've posted.

Probably best to make your own plans and not rely on a reluctant partner for your future happiness.

I spent about a decade waiting for an avoidant man to get on the same page. The tragedy is he loved me and if I'd have said 'fuck this, I want a house/baby/dog/area move and I am doing it without you' he'd have freaked out a bit, but then got with the programme.

Men have infinite time to commit, so they put it off. Unless they think they will lose what is on offer, many men just can't bring themselves to act now.

Get on with your own life, and mean it. It's okay to love him, but you should love you more.

Because women believe their future faking.

Deep down, men who do this have a very inflated view of their own worth and attractiveness, and an unrealistically low estimation of the value of women in general. They're not necessarily aware of their outlook, but their behaviour reveals it very clearly.

They have also been brought up to feel entitled to use women. Maybe not by a raging chauvinist in a home where it was explicitly taught that women can be used, but society sends men signals about themselves and about women and about commitment and integrity, and there are men who absorb that and don't question it.

You could also write a how-to book entitled "Handing Yourself Over On a Plate, for Dummies".

You need to end this completely one soded relationship and look up 'the sunken costs fallacy'.

Go it alone, OP.

He doesn't want to share. He doesn't want to compromise. He won't allow you to have any say. You don't count.

Why would you want to buy a home with someone on those terms?

This!! Even if you do decide that you want a mamas well as a cat, the independence, power and choice it will give you, to own your own place on your own terms, is so worth it. Even get a lodger in for the first few years if necessary.

Someone I know was in a similar situation. She purchased via shared ownership without him. He moved with her and she ensured he wouldnt be entitled to anything. They split up (obviously) after some time but she was stable and fine to cover costs on her own. House is worth significantly more now (she has moved on, married with kids).

He starred looking at houses when I tried to be clear I wouldn't wait around, but I feel it was just out of panic and he doesn't really mean it..

@Melindamessenger1 I wouldn't want to settle down with someone who (1) had to be dragged into it kicking and screaming and (2) didn't think he was the luckiest man alive to be with me x

i think you say airily ok, if I buy on my own I will 1000% be getting a pet, rather than not having something I’d love to keep a man happy when they clearly aren’t interested in committing.
but think carefully about buying with him, it’s a mess to be in if you dont think the relationship is one to stay in. And don’t stay in a relationship with a man who never compromises. What does he go along with that you want? I wouldn’t want to put my money into something he wants in the area he wants where you can’t have a pet because he doesn’t want it.

Are you doing this in too much of a rush op? Maybe I'm wrong but you need to talk about priorities you both want in a house, and it seems like you want to hurriedly pounce on the first house within budget. If you aren't sure your relationship is on solid ground you shouldn't be buying a house together as the transaction costs are very high. You need to plan to be in the house for yrs.

If you break up, who keeps the house? Maybe buy in your own, gave him pay rent, or at least get a place you could afford in your own.