He's hesitant about committing to a mortgage with me after years

[Melindamessenger1]

Lived together for 3 years and together for nearly 4, renting. He's mentioned wanting to own a home many times, not necessarily with me but just wanting to not have to pay rent and to have a place to call your own.
We're in the North and only looking at modest properties, i.e 90k max. We've got enough for a 5% deposit and also have enough for shared ownership schemes we've looked at.
We currently pay £1050 for all rent, utilities and CT so frankly a mortgage would probably be cheaper and for a bigger home.
I started talking earlier about making an appointment on Monday and he started to show hesitation, saying, ahh I just don't know, it's such a huge thing to think about, I just really don't know.
The other issue is area. We could get a lot more for our money in another area but he will not budge. He said he'd move within a 5 mile radius roughly but that's it.
Another issue is a pet. I've wanted a cat for a while, I've owned cats before and I wouldn't even expect him to look after it, but he won't have any sort of pet. I even suggested a goldfish but he wasn't keen.
I ended up telling him I feel that nothing is ever on my terms and he said he's sorry. I also feel sad that even after several years of living together he's clearly hesitant to enter into a mortgage with me.

Excuse typos.

Agree with practically everyone else; if you're absoljutely certain he doesn't have hidden debts he doesn't want to disclose then it's a commitment thing

And at 32 I wouldn't be hanging around hoping he'd change his mind ...

I'm not looking for the first house possible, but we've been together years and this is one of several things he's hesitating on, so it feels like the final nail in the coffin.

Fair enough. I think it's hard from reading just a small amount from your side to know where his hesitation comes from. Personally I wanted a DP and an emergency fund before buying and it seems like you don't agree on area. If his concern is about money/getting the right house (which is fair as it's a multi yr commitment) then that's understandable.

He was future faking.

He thinks you can be kept exactly where he wants you if he puts up a convincing enough pretense.

He just doesn't have a plan B. This is because developing an alternative relationship takes time and effort.

He has zero debt and savings? What about you? What do you have?

If you're solely relying on his savings to find the deposit then if I were him I wouldn't be keen to buy with you either.

No, I have savings too and would not expect to solely rely on his. The hesitancy to commit extends to absolutely everything, hence why after several years I am still a girlfriend with absolutely zero idea as to when things will be progressing.

It's also the snoring which I've asked him time and time again to make a GP appointment for, not just for my benefit but for his health. Sick of it disturbing my sleep but it also can't be good for him. I'm expected to just put up with it ... One night he'd been drinking and snored loudly like an engine for 3 hours straight.

This reminds me of a few relationships I have seen over the years. What happens is

1. Bloke in relationship around 30 to 35 is at a stage when they should commit properly to a LTR (marriage or baby or mortgage)
2. Panic out, say they are not ready as basically they don't want to be with girlfriend forever but are too pathetic to be alone.

Then either 3 or 4 happens

1. Girlfriend gets upset/frustrated pushes issue to an ultimatum. They split up as he fails to commit
2. He meets someone one else.
3. 2 years later she bumps into Mr "I'm too young to commit" he is getting married/bought a house/had a baby.

Basically he is hedging his bets. Men are fucking useless at ending alright relationships even when they know they aren't forever.

He doesn’t want to buy a house together, or progress the relationship, but also you’re not financially ready anyway.

The hesitancy to commit extends to absolutely everything

So in all honesty why are you still there, especially if you hope for a family?

Nobody pretends splitting is easy, but surely it's got to be better than years of frustration and disappointment - to say nothing of the chance of him doing the usual thing of meeting someone else and marrying/having children with them straight away?

Honestly, OP, get on with your life without him. Showing him that you’re moving ahead regardless will either prompt him to make a decision, or he’ll continue to vacillate and you move on with your life. Don’t waste anymore time. 💐

The pet I kind of get - I wouldn’t want a pet either, especially a cat. But a reasonably sized, affordable mortgage is very basic level commitment - if it all goes wrong, you just sell and move on (assuming no negative equity).

Honestly OP do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying to cajole this man into being your partner? He is making it abundantly clear that he does not want to commit to this relationship in the way that you want him to commit, so I think you either accept that or break it off and move on.

I'm sorry to be harsh but I see this all the time from women. The man you want him to be is not the man that he actually is, and if you keep on at this then you might get him to commit in the way that you want but it will eventually lead to resentment and a break up. So save yourself the hassle now, and try and buy a place on your own.

Your instinct is right that the hesitancy is about everything. You are being secondary and subservient to his wishes in the relationship - dependent on his will and his moves. A position as a de facto dependant because of a financial imbalance between you is not good enough. You are an adult and equally important person whose wants and needs must have room as well as his.

This reminds me of a recent couple from a reality television programme who had been living together, apparently happily for 3-4 years in a stable set up, with the nice home and the dog, until the woman pressed the natural expectation to go on to marriage and presumably, children, at which point it turned out he wouldn't. That was the end of the couple. A few wasted years for her in assuming an equal commitment which he didn't share.

You could start taking control of your own life and assert your freedom by planning financially and practically. End the current arrangement by leaving the shared rented flat, move in with family or a room in someone's house to save like mad until you have your deposit and can buy your own cosy little place and forge a new independence and path to the future that you want with a man who respects and values you as he should.

So he snores badly and won't do anything about it. He won't commit to you. He won't commit to a mortgage. He won't let you get a pet.

He's sounding lovelier as you say more....not.

Read some of the threads on here about snoring partners, partners who are tight financially, and who want everything their way. Because THIS is what he already is. If you don't like these aspects of him now it will get worse once he thinks you ARE tied to him in some way! (Eg DC).

At almost 34, if I was childless, not married and was only asking my LTB to commit to a house together and he refused, I would probably just go and get my own home.

Get yourself on the property ladder (even if you need to go a little cheaper or co Ownership). Get your pet.

Life is far too short to be worrying and pandering to someone who does not share similar visions to you.

Once you start living and making decisions for yourself, you can see better where this man fits into your life (if he does at all)